A/N: AshleyCullen0021/High Off Werewolves. This is our first collaboration! Yay! It's Blackwater obviously, in a way. Sort of one sided. There's a little bit of Bella bashing involved in it, so if you are in love with Bella, I suggest you don't read it. No Nessie, she's only mentioned.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer? I'm flattered, but I'm not her.
Jacob Black liked to come here to have peace.
It was a spot that brought him terrible memories, a spot that caused him to remember his previous aching heart. It was a dark, gloomy place that reminded him of all the guilt that he tried to store away, the life he cost. The tears he was so good at hiding fell freely here. It was the first place he could actually feel normal at. Because according to him, there were two Jacobs.
There was the happy, blind and naïve Jacob that he was around Nessie. The carefree, imprinting Jacob whose only thoughts, worries and cares belonged to his imprint. Where every other guilt filled emotion left him and he could actually smile again. The good Jacob, the fake Jacob.
Then, you had reality. The broken hearted, overwhelmed with guilt, irritated and angered Jacob Black. The Jacob that didn't speak, eat or talk. Practically a comatose state, a complete other side. It was like an other dimension where Billy wished for his son back, Quil and Embry tried to get him out of his room and Bella had to call him everyday to make sure he wasn't dead. It had gotten so bad that Sam had to take over his pack.
Or, what was left of it.
Yes, so Jacob came here for normality. Because you can't get more normal when reality is staring you right in the face in the form of a cold, hard rock.
Harry Robert Clearwater
A son, husband and father.
You will be missed.
But that wasn't the gravestone that was the source of Jacob's misery. Oh no, it was the one that was laying next to it, surrounded in fresh, colourful flowers.
Leah Elizabeth Clearwater.
A sister, a daughter, a friend,
An angel sent to Earth.
Just the sight of her name sent cold, hard shivers down his spine. Not angry shivers, he wasn't in risk of phasing here. Here, he was the farthest from mythology because death was no myth. And the taunting name on the rock in front of him was cold, hard proof of that. He could never be angry at Leah, wherever she was right now. It was all his fault anyway, wasn't it?
Seth sure thought it was. He hadn't spoken to him since he made his speech at the funeral two weeks ago. His exact words at the end of the speech were:
"As for you Jacob, I hope your imprint is very good to you. Because she cost Leah her life."
Some people were confused, but Jacob was not. And those words were so true that he couldn't even defend himself. He just looked at Seth, tears brimming his eyes and apologized meekly. But he knew he could never bring back the life that had been lost, for his carelessness and selfishness had caused it.
He missed Leah, more than he had the right too. He missed her rare, warm smiles that were specifically reserved for him and Seth. He missed the way her black hair would bounce around when he walked. He missed her sarcasm, he missed her wit, he missed her humour. Jacob wished he could see her deep gray eyes, tinged with a bitter sense of reality, staring right back at him. Truth was, he missed everything about her.
Which wasn't fair. To him or Leah. Why was it that death had brought her to his attention? How could he have been so stupid to forget about Leah until she was gone? Why couldn't he had opened his eyes, why couldn't he had forced himself into reality?
Why couldn't he save her?
"Leah, Leah." He sighed softly, hand gently rested on the grave as he got into a sitting position. "I wish you were here. I know you'd be pissed to find out that Sam had taken over my- our -pack. You'd probably yell and scream at me, something you had been doing a lot of. I miss you a lot, and I know that's not fair."
Jacob had to close his eyes and try to turn away the image that was burned in his mind whenever he thought of Leah. Her body slumped against the wall of his bedroom, gun dropped to the floor. The sick feeling he got when he saw her brains, blown and smeared all over the wall. The mortician said that by the angle of the bullet, she had stuck the gun inside her mouth.
He had nightmares about that for weeks. He still never sleeps in his room, he's moved to the couch. He couldn't believe that he hadn't seen this coming, he had no idea that Leah had felt like this. That she was so heartbroken that she had decided to go and off herself like that.
That wasn't the strong Leah that Jacob Black knew. The letter she had wrote him had smudge marks from her tears. The Leah he knew would never cry. Or maybe that was the point, maybe he didn't know Leah as well as he'd like to believe.
It was a short note, just written on a sticky note taped to the gun. But it left a bitter taste in his mouth, a feeling of pain spread across his chest.
I missed my dad, I'll tell him you said hi.
Remember me Jacob Black. I love you.
That's why I'm here.
He didn't know if she meant here as in his room or here as in, moments away from death. Whatever it meant didn't matter, because she was gone now. And Jacob kept that note taped to his mirror. The smudged tears a reminder of the girl he never cared about.
He remembered how mad Leah was after the battle that would have been with the Volturi. Of course, Embry, Quil and Seth were pretty ticked off too, but nobody raises the livid bar like Leah Clearwater. She yelled at him and called him a million names under the sun, telling him that she hated him. She didn't understand why he would had left the pack to die as soon as Bella summoned him. She knew even Quil would have put the pack first.
Jacob had told her that he would have come back. He kept repeating, I would have come back. But he knew he was lying and so did Leah. She didn't talk to him for four days, refusing to patrol, phase or even come near the Cullen's. He remembered how betrayed his pack was and how he felt how he failed as a leader.
It was nothing compared to what he felt now. His Beta was dead, Seth wouldn't talk to him anymore and Sam had taken his pack under his wings. He hadn't failed as a leader because he wasn't a leader anymore. There was no Alpha, just as much as there was no Beta. When Jacob wasn't around Nessie, he might as well be dead too.
His teardrops fell just like the rain around him, but he was so hot that the rain barely affected him. "I'm sorry Leah. I wish I could be Jacob again. But I can't, I never can." With his declaration of failure as a person, his phone rang. For a moment, Jacob considered not answering.
But all and all he did. It could have been an emergency. "Hello?" He answered, his own voice a stranger to him. Instead of the carefree murmur of a chipper 17 year old boy, he sounded aged. Dull and lifeless, like he felt.
"Hi Jake." It was Bella's melodic voice that filled the speaker. She sounded hesitant and nervous, as everyone did when they spoke to me in Nessie's absence. I felt, well, I felt like Bella after Edward had left. "Um, Nessie has been asking for you to come home. Well, demanding actually." She giggled nervously. "Can you come?"
He thanked the heavens that it wasn't Nessie herself that had called. Because if it was, he couldn't have refused. It would have been impossible. "Bella, I- no." He told her glumly. Her small gasp of shock was audible on the other end. "I'm going to go away, maybe go running again. Canada was a pretty nice place, I'll probably go back there. It might be a week, it might be a month. Hell, I might never come back again. Depending on how long I can stay away from my imprint. If the pain isn't so bad, don't expect me to return." The words fell out of the shocked mouth of Jacob before he realised he was going to do it.
Bella was speechless for a moment on the other end. "Jake." She croaked, sounding close to tears if she could cry. "I don't want you to leave again."
Angry Jake took over numb Jake. "Well Bella, I hate to tell you this but this isn't about you okay? I'm sorry that you had to learn that everything thing isn't about you. Get over yourself, this is for me." He snapped at her.
"I'm sorry." She apologized quickly. "Just- what about Nessie? I'm sure she'll be heartbroken when you leave, especially if you don't return."
The mention of Nessie dulled down angry Jacob. "I'm sure she can handle it." He whispered. "She has a whole bunch of people who love her, she won't even have time to miss me. Plus, she never imprinted on me. If I leave, it won't take her a long time to get over it. She's young, the bond is weak." Mostly, he was trying to convince himself. Otherwise, he'd never leave.
Bella seemed to understand that and gratefully changed the subject. "I'm sure it'll do you some good. Trying to escape from reality?"
"Actually, the opposite. I just need to be normal for a little longer. "
The phone was quiet. That probably wasn't what she was expecting to hear. "Oh." She sounded astonished. "Well, I'll tell Ness that you're going to come and say goodbye."
"No." Jacob barked out loudly. "I can't- I can't see her. You have to understand, if I see her then I'll never be able to will myself to leave. I'll be fake Jacob again and as I told you, I need to be normal right now. So just, give her a kiss for me okay? Tell her I said goodbye and tell her I promise that maybe I'll be back one day. If not, I'll write."
"Okay. I'll miss you Jake, really." Bella said quietly.
"I'll miss you too, but I'm sure you can survive." With that, he hung up abruptly and leant his head against Leah's gravestone. "You'd be proud of me Leah. Well, maybe. I hope you are. I'm trying to break my imprint. In a way, I hope I don't succeed but that's the fake part of me talking. Real Jacob is praying for a rebellion. " He smiled wistfully at the image of Leah, praising him. "No one's ever done this before, willingly up and left their imprint. It's supposed to be the worst pain imaginable. Well, I know that I'll survive Leah, I'm stronger now." He looked longingly at the name carved in marble stone and traced it with his finger. "I've already experienced the worst pain imaginable."
He caught sight of a sandy wolf peeking out of the bush, a low growl and then it turned to disappear. "Seth wait!" Jacob called loudly. The wolf stopped in its tracks. "Please, come over here for one second. You don't have to talk, just listen. Please!" The wolf walked into the forest. Defeated, Jacob sighed and closed his eyes until he heard footsteps. Seth was walking towards him in a pair of cut offs with a stony face. He had never seen the kid so serious, it would kill Leah to see her brother without a smile on his face. It wasn't natural, it wasn't Seth.
It seems everyone is fake these days.
"What Jacob? Make this quick." He said in a low, hard voice. The lack of emotion almost made Jacob flinch.
"I need you to tell Quil, Embry and my dad that I'm leaving." He informed him, watching the stony mask relax into shock. "I'm probably going to go back to Canada. Maybe for a week, a month, maybe forever. Like I told Nessie, I might not be back ever. Depending on how I can handle being away from her. I think I'm strong enough now, I've had harder times."
His eyes widened. "Jake, did I make you that upset? Are you leaving because of me?! I'm sorry, I'm just taking this hard. I never imagined losing my sister! It's so hard, oh please don't go Jake!" He cried, pleading. Jacob almost smiled, that was the Seth he remembered.
"Kid, listen. It's not about you okay? Or Nessie for that matter. This is about me, maybe a bit about Leah. I'm making her a promise, something I should have done a long time ago. I'm tired of being fake, Seth. Nessie brings out the best in me, that's what some people would say. I think she brings out the worst in me. Sure, I'm happy. But it's all fake and, after all the events that have happened lately, reality is my only sanctuary. I'm going to do one last thing for Leah, I'll never make a relationship with my imprint. I'm finally going to be the person whose strong enough to break it, the very thing Leah thought would never happen." He sighed. "Sort of like a delayed apology or something like that."
Seth sat beside him, leaning against Harry's gravestone. "So this is it? We're never going to hear from you or see you again?"
"No. That wouldn't be fair to you guys. I already abandoned my pack, leaving them without an Alpha or Beta. Hell, we all had to go back to Sam because I couldn't be a leader anymore. Do you know how hard that is, going back to the one person I had tried to get away from? I know it sucks, I would never abandon you completely. We'll still have the pack mind of course, even though Sam and his stupid pack will be able to read my mind, trying to get me home. So you guys can run down and visit me sometimes, I'll even meet you halfway. We can communicate, I won't ignore you like last time." Jacob explained his plans to the boy sitting beside him with the hopeful face.
He asked the forbidden question. "Can I go with you?"
"Absolutely not." Was Jacob's automatic reply.
"Aw, come on Jacob!" Seth whined, like the little boy Jacob knew and loved. "You said that about your pack too and Leah and I both joined. It was great! You don't want to do this alone, it's not healthy!"
"Seth, what part of no, don't you understand?" Jacob asked, frustrated.
"I love her too you know." Seth said. Jacob blinked and looked at the ground shamefaced. He felt like Bella at that moment, forgetting everyone else around him when he was down. "I'm hurting just as much as you. I've got nothing to lose!"
"You have your mom, Seth. Sue lost Harry and now she lost Leah, what do you think would happen if she lost you too?" Jacob tried to argue.
"Nah, she's got Charlie now. Besides, my mom is a strong woman. She can get through anything."
"Yeah well, that's what I thought about Leah too. And look where she is now!" Jacob roared angrily. Seth hung his head and Jacob put a regretful hand on his shoulder. "Look kid, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell, especially so soon after you forgave me. But I think I need to be alone. I need to do this alone. You understand right?"
Seth nodded. "I do I guess. So what, you're never going to stop phasing? You're going to stay a wolf forever?"
"No. If I do decide to stay away for good, I'll stop phasing eventually. I never wanted forever you know."
Seth understood, he didn't either. "Of course. I'm sorry to see you go, but I guess I'll see you again soon. Promise?"
"Promise." As stupid and juvenile as it was, they locked pinkies and grinned in spite of themselves. "I should probably get going now though, if I want to get to Canada by later tonight." He stood up in sync with Seth and swiftly kissed Leah's gravestone. "Love you Lee."
Both the boys phased in the woods at the same time, but they ran in opposite directions. Light chatter continued mentally until Seth faded out after he phased. But Jacob, he wouldn't be doing that anytime soon. So he just kept running, making a promise to himself on the way, just like he had with Seth and Leah.
He promised that he would never return to Leah's grave. He realised that, as guilty as he was and as sad as he felt, he needed to let go. Closure, in a way. Leah had already had hers and she would want Jacob to do the same. So as he got further away, he learned to let go of the beautiful, sarcastic and loving girl in the casket back where he came from.
The second girl that Jacob Black had ever loved.
For the second time in his short life, he ran free. Not to find himself, but away from himself. To recover who he wants to be and forget who he needed to be. Jacob was like Leah in this way, he never liked orders.
And he vowed to never let himself be controlled again.