Chapter 4: Not Fearing Love

I drop down into a chair at Byakuya's bedside, looking down again into the translucent chamber, studying his frozen, time-stopped form.

"I can't do this anymore," I moan softly, pressing my forehead to the side of it.

"Renji," Rukia says, touching my shoulder, "Renji, what's happening to him?"

"I don't know," I reply, "No one seems to know."

The door opens and Yoruichi steps in. She glances at Rukia and me, then walks across the room and sits down beside Byakuya, studying him silently, her golden eyes glistening.

"Captain Unohana asked us to stay here. She will be here in a moment to talk to us," she says, her eyes never leaving Byakuya.

A few minutes later, the door opens and Captain Unohana comes in, followed by Hanatoro. Her face is calm, but very serious.

"The tests we conducted on Captain Kuchiki's blood and reiatsu have come back. Both tell the same story. The symptoms he is experiencing are related to something that entered his system from the outside…something introduced within the last few days."

"Wait a minute," I say, staring up at her, "Are you telling me…that Byakuya has been poisoned?"

She nods.

"Yes…that is exactly what I am saying. Sometime in the last few days, someone poisoned Captain Kuchiki."

"What kind of poison? How bad is it? Can you counteract it?" I ask, my words tumbling over each other in haste.

Captain Unohana sighs.

"We cannot determine the exact poison that was used. So until we do, we cannot counteract it. We do not know how bad it will get. Captain Kurotsuchi is currently researching all known poisons that cause the symptoms displayed by Captain Kuchiki. While we wait for news, all we can do is to manage the symptoms."

"Manage the symptoms?" I say sarcastically, "How do you manage falling into unconsciousness and declining reiatsu? You can't manage those symptoms."

"Actually," she says softly, "we can. But the question becomes…do we want to? Certainly, I can use a stimulant to wake him and keep him from losing consciousness. I can use reiatsu injections to bolster his reiatsu levels. But that assumes that he needs to be conscious and doing something."

"Captain Unohana…are you suggesting that we just leave him in that chamber?" I ask angrily, "Why? Why would you want to do that?"

"Think of it this way," Unohana says calmly, "If we manage the symptoms, but keep him conscious, the symptoms will get worse as the poison takes over. I will be forced to use more and more powerful methods to keep him on his feet, until finally the symptoms will no longer be controllable. If he remains in suspended animation, the poison's effects will halt and we will have time to search for a way to counteract it."

"Are there any dangers associated with being left in the chamber for an extended time?" Rukia asks softly.

Unohana lowers her eyes.

"Each time we use the chamber, there is an increasingly greater possibility that we will not be able to wake him."

"So we really can't leave him there while we figure this out," I conclude, "besides, Byakuya once told me that he and I are most vulnerable when we are separated…and he was right. We are going to need his input in this. This is his life we're talking about. He should have a choice."

"Renji is right," Yoruichi adds softly.

Her voice sounds choked and when she looks up, there are tears staining her cheeks.

"Byakuya should be the one to decide."

The three of us look at each other and nod slowly in agreement.

"Very well," says Captain Unohana.

She moves to Byakuya's side and opens the seal on the chamber. She injects him with reiatsu, and then with the stimulant. After a few minutes, he begins to moan softly and his eyes blink open. They meet mine and it seems to me that they hold on tightly as he fights to come to full awarness.

"What is it?" he asks, his eyes holding mine, "What's happening?"

"You were poisoned, Captain Kuchiki," Unohana explains, "We don't yet know how, with what, or by whom. We need to make an important decision…and you should really be the one to decide."

He nods in acknowledgment.

"Captain Kurotsuchi is conducting research to isolate and identify the poison. The stealth force is conducting an investigation of all persons having access to Captain Kuchiki in the past five days. I also want to test each of your family members and all household staff. I want to know if anyone else might be affected. And there is something else that you need to know. I was informed this morning that Captain Kuchiki is not the only one who has been poisoned."

"Who else was poisoned?" Byakuya asks.

"Senbonzakura," Unohana answers solemnly, "Byakuya, you and your zanpakuto are slowly dying from this poison. It is possible for me to place you in suspended animation for the duration of the investigation. It would halt the advance of the poison, but it could result in the suspended state becoming permanent."

"And I am guessing," Byakuya says, his eye falling on Senbonzakura leaned against the wall, "that although I can be placed in suspended animation, my zanpakuto cannot?"

"That is correct," Unohana says softly.

Byakuya nods.

"I will have a fate no different than Senbonzakura's," he says softly.

We're all absorbing Byakuya's answer when a hell butterfly arrives and settles lightly on Unohana's fingertip.

"Captain Unohana," Kurotsuchi's voice says, "I have completed preliminary research on the samples you provided me and I can tell you a few things about the poison. First, I can tell you that it is a progressive poison…meaning that after the initial poisoning, this poison spreads throughout the infected organism, causing fatigue, malaise, loss of consciousness, and declining reiatsu. These effects will increase over time until they incapacitate and kill the organism. Secondly, the poison is of a class not of legal use in Soul Society because if it infects a soul reaper…it can also infect that soul reaper's zanpakuto. The zanpakuto will slowly begin to lose its connection with its wielder and if not counteracted, it will kill the zanpakuto as well. An interesting note. The samples you sent indicated that Captain Kuchiki was infected prior to the infection of his zanpakuto…and that he was exposed to the poison more than once. That being said, your first concern must be to locate the source of the infection. Once you do that, I will need you to try to collect a clean sample of the poison, if possible. I should be able to build a counteragent from that. Finally, you need to move quickly on this. Assuming he was infected in the past two or three days, Captain Kuchiki and his zanpakuto have about one week for us to come up with the counteragent!"

The hell butterfly flutters away. We all sit staring, no one quite knowing what to say. Finally, Yoruichi breaks the silence.

"I am going to see Kisuke. Captain Unohana, if you could provide some samples, I could have Kisuke study them. He's very talented at this kind of thing."

Unohana nods.

"Yes he is…And we would be fortunate to have his assistance."

She turns back to the rest of us.

"Until we know more, I am going to recommend that Byakuya return home. I will provide medications to manage the symptoms. As soon as word comes about the investigation, I will summon you."

When we arrive at the manor, Byakuya turns toward the forest trail. I put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Where are you going? Shouldn't you be resting?" I ask.

He gives me a calm stare.

"Renji, the symptoms are under control, for now. I have done little but sleep for the past several days. I need to walk and reflect a bit."

"Is it okay if I come with you?" I ask.

His eyes soften.

"Of course, Renji. Please, join me…"

We make our way down the forest trail, wind blowing the sakura petals, making them spin in the air around us. His reiatsu is amazingly calm, considering he just got the news he only has about a week to live.

As we reach the end of the trail, we hear the hard crash of water against rock and the force of the impact leaves a fine mist in the air. Byakuya sits beneath one of the cherry trees at the top of the cliff. He leans back against the tree and I settle between his bent and spread knees with my back rested against his chest, my head leaned back against his shoulder. We rest there until darkness comes and the sky fills with stars. There is no moon tonight. He doesn't tell me any stories about the stars this time. We just sit beneath them, touched with their glow sharing each other's warmth in the cool of the night. Finally, Byakuya stirs.

"I think they'll have dinner ready soon," he says, pulling free of me.

He starts to get to his feet, but as he stands, he gives a sharp anguished gasp and drops down onto his hands and knees, his head lowered and his body shaking heavily.

"Renji!" he hisses in a trembling voice.

I drop down beside him and put an arm around him.

"What is it? What's happening?" I ask.

He looks up at me with haunted eyes that are quickly filling with tears.

"Renji," he cries softly, "I can't feel Senbonzakura! He was there just a moment ago, but now…he's gone!"

"Hey," I tell him, pulling him close, "Captain Unohana said that it would happen over time. Don't panic. I'm sure this is just temporary. It wouldn't happen all at once like this. Shh, it's okay. It'll come back, I promise."

He clings to me, still shaking, but he breathes a little more deeply and settles gradually. A few minutes later, a tremor passes through him and he releases a sigh that sounds like a soft whimper.

"You okay?" I ask, pulling back to look at him.

His expression is a mixture of relief and exhaustion.

"I'm okay now. I think you were right, Renji. It did come back. I knew it would happen. That part didn't surprise me…but I guess I wasn't expecting it so soon. I'm sorry if I frightened you with my reaction."

I hold him tightly against me.

"Don't you worry about me. You just worry about yourself and Senbonzakura. I wasn't frightened. I was just worried about you."

"Arigato, Renji."

He slowly stands, bending to brush the dust off of his clothes. We walk slowly back to the manor, not saying anything, We say little at dinner and eat even less, then we slip into bed and lie there for a long time just holding each other quietly. Finally, he sighs softly and turns in my arms.

"Renji?" he says, looking up into my eyes, "Do you remember the first time we made love?"

"Yeah, of course I do. As I recall, you were ready to run. You said you didn't want to fall in love with me."

"Because…for me, love equals loss. I said those words…but that wasn't what was in my heart. I wasn't being honest with myself, Renji. I tried to tell myself that I would rather die than feel the love that I was feeling for you. It was because I was afraid. I spent so much time being afraid that I would lose you. That was wasted time, Renji. Loving you was never something I needed to fear."

His lips brush mine and pull away again.

"I choose to believe that you and I are going to come out of this okay. But I need to know that you believe it too. Because, I know if we both believe in it…then it will happen that way."

"Well, I do believe it will be okay."

"Good," he whispers, brushing his lips against mine again, "Now I want you to do something for me, Renji."

"Anything, Byakuya. I'll do whatever you ask."

"Make love to me."

It strikes me all of a sudden how quiet everything has gotten. I can't hear the wind in the trees or the trickle of water in the koi pond. There's a deep silence that seems to start inside me and it creates a barrier all around. I hear what he asked me to do, but I feel frozen…cold…alone. It's like he's here, but at the same time, he isn't. And I wonder for a moment, if I try to reach out and touch him, will he disappear? He's looking into my eyes like he understands exactly what I'm thinking. He touches my face and smiles.

"Don't be afraid to love me, Renji. That fear is a waste of time…and this time is precious. Make love to me, Renji."

He does understand.

He knows.

Because he's been here before…only now it's him who is dying…and I'm being left behind.

I touch his hair and I try to remember the first time it touched my skin. It was a few days after I became his vice captain. I asked a question and when he turned his head, his hair brushed against my hand. Even before I loved him, I knew how soft it was. I longed even then to sink my fingers into it. I kiss his forehead, his eyes, his open mouth. He moans softly into my mouth, sliding his hands down my back and pulling my hips in closer. His hands push open my kimono and trace the dark lines like they have a thousand times, but this time his touch burns. My lips brush against his pale throat and he tilts his head back, moaning my name

Suddenly, I want to touch every inch of him. I want to explore every curve, every bit of softness…everything! So I run my hands over his body, curling then gently around his head, threading my fingers through his hair, stroking his face, then letting soft kisses follow those searching hands all over his body.

"Renji…" he whispers, "Renji…"

His thighs part and I sink down in between them. I bury my face in his throat, kissing, stroking with my tongue and sucking gently as I slowly enter him. I stop for a moment…long enough to capture his beautiful dark eyes. Then I move slowly…like I did that first time, when we fell in love…in Inuzuri. He moves with me, his eyes locked on mine, his hands sliding down to my hips, and his lips curving upward in a sweet contented smile. I know we're moving faster, that the sensations are becoming more intense, but everything keeps that soft feeling of slow motion, even so. I feel his hands grip my shoulders and his hip rise up sharply against mine. The rough feeling of him moaning and panting against my shoulder sends me reeling and I release deep inside him. I stay buried inside him for a long time after, stroking his face and hair, and indulging in a light play of kisses all over his face and throat.

I wait until he has drifted off to sleep before I let the tears fall.