Edward finally managed to pick his jaw up off his chest as the echoes of my preternatural gassiness faded.
I was trying to smooth my mussed hair and clothes again, but realizing that it was beyond such simple repair. Dirt, blood, and leaves were knotted from my ears to nearly my waist, and the satin of Alice's beautiful dress was so shredded it was a wonder it didn't just fall off me.
Edward noticed as well, but his raised eyebrows and slackened jaw told me it wasn't Alice's displeasure he was thinking about. I waited for my usual blushed response, and was instead able this time to take note of the oncoming tidal wave of vampire-libido just before it washed over me. Fascinating.
I started to wonder if I'd be able to control it in the future but Edward's screams interrupted my train of thought. "Your teeth! Bella, your teeth!" he was crying, his hands and even his feet scrabbling at my torso in an effort to push me away.
I sat up, spit out the remains of his chocolate brown leather belt, and crossed my arms over my chest. "A girl might begin to think you don't appreciate her affection," I said and pushed out my lower lip.
"You… forget your strength, Bella," he said warily. "Just because I heal doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And that it won't scar."
"I'll try to control myself," I promised. I smiled at him, biting my lip in what I hoped was a flirty way. Success! He grinned and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close for a kiss. His lips were neither as cold nor as hard as I expected and I was just losing myself in the sweetness of him when I felt a warm, insistent nudging on the backs of my thighs that shoved quite suddenly up between my legs.
"Edward!" I gasped. How forward of him. And how was he in front of me and behind me all at once? Was there more to vampire freakiness than I had hoped?
"Mmm," he responded. Then he shoved up between my legs again from behind and I squeaked in surprise. "Now Edward," I protested, and reached behind me to push away his… whatever he had back there. Hands? No, those were on my waist. And his pants were mostly still in one piece this time so no prehensile super-serpent powers down there. Dammit.
I felt hot, snuffling breath and a slick tongue and whirled around just as an enormous golden retriever bounded up to wrap his front legs around my waist and started humping my legs furiously. "Edwaaaard!" I shrieked. "Make it stop!"
The bastard was too busy laughing and I was not only pissed off by that but also still thirsty, so I took matters into my own hands. Or mouth.
Edward was giving me a disgusted look as I swallowed down the last bit and let go of the armful of fur. "Let's go see our daughter," he said, shaking his head. "And don't mention this to Jacob, hm?"
I rolled my eyes.
"And Bella, wipe your mouth. You have a little Fido... right there. You got it."
"Thanks. Sorry about that."