Despite weighing almost nothing Sanji feels the presence of Zoro's note in his breast pocket the whole time that he's cooking. Now and then his fingers wander absently towards it before he has the common sense to jerk them away. It's just a note, it shouldn't mean anything but... Ugh. Sanji bangs his head softly on the cupboard door. He'd told himself that he wouldn't do this. Now that he's got himself back into Zoro's good books and the two of them are friends again he'd sworn that he was going to do whatever it took to stay there. Because they are friends now, perhaps they didn't used to be. After everything they've been through though he can't deny that friends is what they are now. But his stupid heart keeps trying to ruin it with feelings. Zoro was just teasing him with that note but Sanji keeps reacting to it like a schoolgirl with a love note. It's stupid and dumb. But... well... what Zoro doesn't know won't hurt Sanji so maybe he can just allow himself the small weakness of keeping the note close to himself.
He's pathetic, but what else is new?
When he calls the crew in for dinner there is the typical stampede of bodies trying to get in and get their share before the black hole that is Luffy engulfs all that he can. Zoro and Usopp are talking together in between mouthfuls, though Sanji notices that Usopp is the one doing most of the talking. Though Zoro isn't having so much trouble pronouncing things or having gaps in his vocabulary it seems that the actual process of having a conversation with other people is still hard work. He feels a little flutter of something at the thought that Zoro can talk better with him than Usopp.
"So Sanji, how is Zoro's progress coming along?" Chopper pipes up curiously.
"Oh, it's good. He's doing well." Sanji answers with a smile.
"I wrote." Zoro adds happily. At that Chopper's ears perk up with adorable deer excitement and his eyes get adorably wide.
"You did! That's amazing! What did you write? Can I see? Where is it?" Chopper asks enthusiastically. Zoro just shrugs and bites into his food, apparently having no words to offer.
Unsatisfied with that explanation, or lack thereof, Chopper turns to Sanji with expectant eyes.
"Oh, uh. I had it around here somewhere but I'm not sure where it is now." Sanji lies clumsily. He doesn't want the others to see the note, it's for him. Zoro wrote it to him and yeah, it's dumb and he's reading a hell of a lot more into Zoro's scrawled 'shit cook' than there is there, he knows that. He's acting like it's a goddamn love letter but in reality it's not, not at all. But shit, he's not allowing himself to do anything external to jeopardize his and Zoro's friendship but surely he's entitled to his own private weaknesses and indulgences isn't he?
"Really Sanji?" Robin asks, her eyes sharp on him.
"Uh..." Sanji says, stalling for time.
"Because I'm sure that it's in your jacket pocket where you've kept it all afternoon, you know, right above your heart." She continues, staring him down.
SHIT. Shit. How the hell does she know? Was she watching them? Does she know what it means to him? Fuck! Of course she does, she's Robin, she knows and sees all.
"I don't-" He scrambles, his voice getting a little high.
Robin's beautiful lips purse and a sudden fragrance of flowers bursts around him. Before he can react, a disembodied hand slides down his chest and inside his suit jacket. Once he would have melted and swooned over Robin's hands on his chest. Now all the flooded him was panic and possessiveness. She was going to find the note and she was going to take it from him, it's his, Zoro made it for him and she can't have it. But he's stuck like a deer in the goddamn headlights as the note slides free in her hands and is quickly passed along out of his reach and down to her by a series of flower hands.
She unfurls the note and smiles as she reads.
"Aww, Zoro's first written words. 'Shit cook'." She smiles and a few around their table laugh. Of course they do, they think it's just regular old Zoro and Sanji banter, ha ha, those idiots arguing again. But it's his... it means something to him...
The sense of being watched fills him and he turns and catches Zoro's eye.
It's not hard to do, Zoro is staring right at him. His gaze is assessing and focused, like he's trying to work out just what Sanji is and how he fits together. He's looking at Sanji like something doesn't fit. He's right though, it doesn't. The two of them are rivals, friends too, but rivals nonetheless. So why would he keep Zoro's note? It doesn't make sense, not unless there's more going on there. Zoro's dark gold and brown eyes pin Sanji to the spot for several terrifying moments until the cook is able to break free, grabbing the water jug and muttering something about a refill for the table.
He parks himself at the sink and slowly fills the glass jug, begging his hammering heart to slow the fuck down. At the table no one else has noticed anything amiss. People are congratulating Zoro's progress, laughing about their bickering, the usual. Usopp bounds past Sanji and sticks the note to the fridge with a pineapple fridge magnet that Sanji got from a shitty island resort ages ago. He teases Zoro good naturedly about pinning up all his milestones to the fridge, like a kid at school.
Sanji returns to the table with the jug. The topic of conversation has moved on, Nami is discussing the weather and sailing with Franky, Brook is telling a joke about a cricket to Chopper. Zoro's gaze is back on his food as he uses his fork in one hand to eat the meat and keeps his knife in the other, wary of Luffy's thieving hands.
Zoro eats slower now, he seems to savour the taste of Sanji's food a little more. Maybe he appreciates what Sanji puts into it more, understands him and his cooking more. Maybe...
His eyes cut to Robin as his neck itches with the feeling of being watched. She is watching him too, she's not speaking to anyone, her chin rested on laced fingers as she watches Sanji with a coy little smile on her lips. Irrationally he feels like she can see inside his brain.
"I'm gonna just- Usopp it's your turn to wash." Sanji mumbles out and then scuttles out of the room, his metaphorical tail between his legs.
Sanji makes his way down, under deck and down hallways until he comes to the bathroom. He lets himself inside and clicks the lock on the door. He pauses before double checking the lock and jiggling the handle just to make sure that he's on his own.
He leans against the door, body and mind heavy and weighing him down. He tries to process the look that Zoro was giving him. Curiosity and confusion certainly, but Zoro isn't stupid for all that Sanji says that he is. What if Zoro figures him out? Figures out that whilst Zoro's just been focusing on getting better Sanji's heart has been getting the best of him?
He'd thought that he could allow himself this quiet indulgence in his mind, that he could just keep his feelings small and burning inside his heart, like a little lamp for himself to light up the dark places. He didn't have to let it go, he didn't need to let it burn brighter, he just wanted to hold the warmth for himself. Okay, so what he really wanted was for all those little fantasies of Zoro to come true, for the man's fingers to trace his lips for something other than just learning. For those lips of Zoro's, so often chewed in thought or uncertainty, to follow his fingers and kiss him. He wants it, he wants it in ways the he could never have believed before.
He can't though, Robin seems determined to drag his feelings out into the open, regardless of whether she knows just what she's doing or not. She's an archeologist, a mystery solver. She sees something she doesn't understand yet and pulls and pokes at it, examines it and prods until she does. But this time she wouldn't be laying out some archaic text out for all to learn from and look at, it'd be his feelings.
He shoves his body away from the door. He needs to kill them.
His feelings, obviously. Not his crew. God, no.
Sanji shakes his addled head and walks to the sink, looking at the mirror above it and staring himself down. Kill his feelings, got it.
"He doesn't want you." He says softly to his reflection. Sanji pauses and thinks for a moment. He turns around the twists the knob on the shower around, to full blast. The water pelts off of the ceramic and the sound fills the room, obscuring any other sound from prying ears. Back to the mirror.
"He wouldn't want you." He says to his reflection. Reflected Sanji looks like he thinks that this is a stupid idea. Sanji concurs.
Okay, so that isn't working. He tries to imagine it then instead. He confesses his feelings dramatically and Zoro rejects him, angrily and violently, like he did when Sanji fucked up with protecting him. He opens his eyes and glares at his reflection.
"Like he'd fucking want you. He'll kick your ass for saying anything." He asserts.
Hm, no. That doesn't sit right. Even the thought of Zoro throwing his feelings back in his face like that makes him angry. Not hurt but angry. He'd think 'well fuck you then, you don't deserve me' and kick Zoro's ass right back. His self esteem isn't so low that Zoro's reaction would hurt him so badly. He's not an unattractive guy, he's got nice eyes, good skin, his hair's kind of shiny and soft. He's attractive, Zoro could do a lot worse than him.
So that isn't working. But he still needs to kill his feelings for Zoro or else he'll find out.
Maybe...
He imagines what would happen, what could have happened if he'd stuck around after dinner. Zoro would walk over to the fridge, look at his own writing curiously, wonder why Sanji had kept it like that. Robin would make some sly comment about it being sweet, maybe Usopp would thoughtlessly joke about it being romantic, like he had that time on the beach. Maybe Nami would join in too. The thought would occur to Zoro. He'd realise all the little tells that Sanji has no doubt been dropping, the way he reacts to Zoro's touch, his neediness for Zoro's presence and the way he kept the note to himself.
Maybe Zoro would look at him, curious dark eyes asking for an answer. Why?
He'd stumble over an explanation, a hurried and clumsy confession of feelings. Zoro would look at him, eyes wide with surprise. Sanji imagines himself making a double or nothing bet, he'd lean forward and press his lips to Zoro's. His stomach flutters with butterflies and Sanji jumps. There it is, there's the goddamn feelings that are getting the better of him. Now that he knows where they are he can attack them.
He imagines Zoro's hands on his shoulders, not pulling him in but pushing him away. Firm but gentle hands. Sanji would blink in hazed confusion to see Zoro looking at him. Pity written clear on his face. He'd struggle to form the words, embarrassment and awkwardness choking his tongue.
"Sorry, but-" He'd say.
Something inside Sanji lashes in pain. Zoro would pity him. Stupid Sanji, falling for someone who doesn't want him. Just like he flirts and fails with all those girls he's met on their journey. He flirts and they tolerate it, smile and then reject him. Only he was just flirting with them, his feelings for Zoro are real. He's had enough rejection to find it easy enough to superimpose it onto Zoro's image.
"I'm not interested." He imagines Zoro saying.
No, no, no. His heart aches but he goes on.
Zoro's brow creases with worry. Worry for Sanji's feelings, he tries to put on a bright but sympathetic expression. He runs Zoro through the words he's heard before.
"I'm sure you'll find someone else, you're sweet." He imagines Zoro saying. He layers on the pity in Zoro's voice, the tones of 'why on earth would he think that I'd like him?' in there too. Sanji bites into his lip, lying to himself that the pain is why his eyes are getting blurry. It's not enough though, he needs to finish this weakness of his.
"You're more like a brother to me." He imagines Zoro adding.
Sanji whines, moisture dropping from his lashes.
He looks up at the mirror again.
"See? He doesn't want you." He declares shakily to himself. This time he buys it.