ZekksGoddess: And suddenly, with the new username, I recognize you so much better –laughs-. Tenel Ka just lost her soul mate. It's not going to be easy for her :(

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Chapter Eight: Phantoms

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Phantom hands tried to stroke the welts on her face, and Sanar jolted awake. It was a reflex, even if there was no physical reaction to the "touch". The first thing she noticed was that Devnos was no longer at the door; shuddering, she wondered what he would do to her when he came back. Her room was still a mess, she knew, without looking about. Little stopped Devnos' telekinetic power. The bruise on her head from where she'd been hit by a brooch said as much.

The second thing she noticed was that a disgustingly familiar presence was nearby, floating around as only a ghost could.

"Kyp Durron," she recognized flatly.

She was surprised to see concern (and…was that anger?) flooding his blue, transparent eyes. However, she quickly reassured herself that it had nothing to do with how pitiful she was – he was just being a "hero".

"Sanar, sweet Force, what did he… Why?"

The slave swatted his hands away and was rewarded with Kyp retracting his offending appendages, even if she couldn't possibly touch him. She sat up slowly, a scowl finding residence on her face. "Why not?" She half rolled (she was being lazy), half dragged (her ankle hurt) herself to the bed, and relaxed onto it, trying to imagine it all away. "So, has anyone in this kind of situation ever actually found their 'redemption'?"

"Self-pity really doesn't suit you."

Her temper flared. "Yeah, well, you know what? I just got beat up by my big brother because I was covering Solo and Zekk's backs. I'm not seeing the benefits for me."

"Why," he said with mock-surprise, "don't you feel the satisfaction of a job well done? Devnos still doesn't know. And why aren't you happy that you protected your friends?"

"They are not my friends," she hissed. "They're just a few more people I saved along the way, since I couldn't save myself. I don't have friends – it's too risky, not to mention stupid."

Durron turned away from her and began inspecting her shelves of knick-knacks. "Then you must be the saddest person in the universe," he muttered, and she wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not.

She took offence anyway. "I don't need your pity, Durron. I know plenty of people who are more pathetic than me."

"But most of them don't know any better."

Sanar snorted derisively. "Their self-delusion is the worst part. They don't know anything else; they expect life to be horrible, and they think they deserve it." She crossed her arms over her chest. "It's disgusting."

"It's your mother," he acknowledged.

Cold fury burst from her mouth in the form of suggestions as to how Kyp might better spend his time.

The Jedi turned back to her, one thick eyebrow raising. "I'm not quite sure that's humanly possible," he replied dryly when she finished a particularly foul suggestion.

She almost ripped her fingers off when she started twisting them. Electricity crackled in the air. Sanar couldn't summon the Sith light properly, but if Kyp wasn't dead, she would have tried to use it on him anyway. "Why do you always have to come around here?" she demanded. "You know, I was perfectly fine with my life before you came along."

"You were a desperate woman who hated herself," he retorted. "I'm not necessarily all that happy about being sent back to you every few days either, doll. Do you think I enjoy seeing your eyes burn with hatred? This isn't my choice. Ever heard of the Force? It kinda holds all the cards at the moment."

"Oh I get it," she said mockingly. "The Force decided I'd spent enough time hating myself and decided to give me a break. Well, tell them I'm quite sick of using you as a dart board. I'd like to go back to my day-to-day living, thank you."

Kyp snorted and crossed his arms over his imposing chest. "Thanks for your vote of confidence, but I don't consider myself on the up-and-up enough to counsel the Force. Besides," he added, eyes gleaming. "I've developed a soft spot for you, even if you look like a wreck half the time I see you."

Her hand unconsciously raised to her frizzy hair. When she realized that she was checking it, Sanar scowled and lowered her hand. "You're dead," she said plaintively, "so why do you have to keep coming back? And how the Sith can your eyes still do weird things?"

He frowned. "What was that?"

"You're two dimensional," she stated as she stood and put her hands on her hips. "There is no way your eyes should be able to gleam."

"It's my charismatic personality; and you forgot to mention that the 'weird things' include the way your heart is flip flopping right now."

Her look dripped in disdain. "Yeah, dancing with pity for your mother, maybe. Is there no end to your arrogance?"

"Is there no end to your hatred?" he returned.

Sanar's face changed to stone. "You know nothing about me," she said. Her dull, mocha eyes met his. "I am what I need to be."

Kyp watched Sanar, for the first time unsure of what to say to her. His heart – which he had assumed was gone – ached. He wasn't intimately connected to Sanar, but he had seen Jaina's nightmares after the two women had bonded.

Sanar shook her head in exasperation and turned away from him. She itched to do something, but years under Horaire had taught her to keep still. Recalling her plea a month ago, when she was tired enough to believe in redemption, she thought she might collapse on the spot. I hate this, she acknowledged. I hate Devnos. I hate myself. I hate, I hate, I hate…

"Was it Gantik or Horaire who taught you to shun yourself?" Kyp finally managed.

Her shoulders tensed. "I don't let men affect me like that," she said, her voice as sharp as any dagger. "Not anymore."

Kyp nodded wearily. He had his answer.

Gantik.

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I hate this.

It will be easier when you stop fighting.

Shut up! I hate you. Is caring such a crime?

It is when it's for a niftyax

She's not –

Men are the superior gender. Females are weak. Only strength matters.

That's not true! You know it's not!

If it's not true, then why can't you protest?

Because you…!

Ah, yes. It's all my fault. Sorry, but that doesn't work. I let you speak the truth. I'm not stopping you from doing anything else.

Pause.

You're mechanical; how can you speak like one of us?

After so many years, my programming has become slightly destabilized. You are – as humans say – "rubbing off on me". Not to worry though; I will work for several more of your lifetimes before my planned objective is affected. Would you prefer that I wipe this conversation off your mind completely?

No.

Why not? It will help you sleep better. The Darkness can only cradle you for so long.

Shut up! I'd rather die than go around like a zombie.

Silence

Your father fought it, too.

Don't you dare bring him into this! I hate you, I hate your government, I hate –

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeekta.

Tell me, Dark one: how do you feel now?

I…I can't… Silence.

Good. Very good. I'm afraid you humans are very easy to control. Will you, I wonder, even wake up this time? Probably not. Your heart is slowing…ah yes…in fact, it's barely beating. Why is it, I wonder, that you are so affected by me? Downloaded knowledge tells me that humans react badly to enforced beliefs, but you are being melodramatic.

Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? I think this is good-bye, Dark one. You fought longer than I expected. If I was programmed to, I think…I think I could admire you.

Even if you are a fool.

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Please R&R!

.Tjz