Spun
By Liz Wyatt
Chapter 15: This Is My Life
When I met you
I was barely living
I was lost in the dark
But with the love
That you've been giving
I'm back from the dead
With you in my head
when I look in your eyes
I know you understand
That good things always
Seem to slip right through my hands
And everything but love
Is just grains of sand
But with you this is my life
-Fefe Dobson
They were running. That she knew for sure.
However, she was still uncertain if the shaking in her hands was being caused by pure adrenaline or the heaviness sitting in her chest from the sobs that had racked her body in the moments prior. There was an abrupt slacking in her arm as the person pulling her had stopped long enough for her body to crash into theirs.
"- your choice." Is all she heard. She knew he had been saying something but she had only focused long enough to hear the end of his out of breath rant.
"Rogue… Rogue!" Her shoulders were being shook now. Then his gloved hand forced her face to meet his own.
"Hey, did you hear me?" he asked. His eyes ran wild with his own adrenaline and an underlying concern.
She simply shook her heard to reply. The words seemed too far for her mind to connect them through her mouth. It didn't really matter though because he understood her all the same.
"I said that you have to decide. We can seek them out now and I'll take my chances escaping your bodyguard or you come with me immediately and we lay low. Thing is Rogue, I'm not sure I can go back now. I'm not sure I'll even make it to tomorrow knowing what I know. They're gonna hunt me down for this…" he paused seemingly lost in his own thoughts before continuing, "I won't stop until your safe, but you need to decide right now."
Although her mind could barely process what he was saying she knew what she said next would change everything between them. It was then that his words really hit her. The images were like a flame bursting with energy before her eyes as she saw him fighting Magneto. She saw bodies flying around the room. Some were her friends, struggling towards her direction. Others were the faces she had only seen before in data files contained within the mansion. There was someone calling out her name, but they were too far away. There was screaming. Tears streaming down a horrified face. Then she realized that face was her own. The tears she felt on her own face and the screaming from her own mouth seen through another's eyes.
"Rogue! God, I know this is difficult. I know this is pretty damn fucked up right now, but I can't do this. I…you have to…Rogue please we don't have time." There were sounds of an explosion and more screams ringing through the wooded area surrounding them. Rogue opened her mouth and forced out her only clear notion.
"He'll be looking for me. Tracking me. That's probably how he found the base."
"What?" The pyro was utterly confused and for a moment Rogue wondered if she was even making any sense.
"Logan! He'll be trying to find me."
"…Okay, so we…"
"Run!" Rogue yanked his arm this time as they made their way further into the forest.
They ended up on a back road, following it to a major road junction. After walking for miles they decided to stop at the only gas station they'd seen for miles. Although they had been running, both were now too tired to even jog. Their feet felt heavy and their heads light from the entire trauma.
Rogue decided to use the bathroom while John went inside the convenience store.
Opening the door, she first went to the sink. She washed the dirt and grime off of her fingertips before cupping the water to splash on her face. There was a stinging coming beneath her bandage as the water soaked into the white material. Rogue slowly began ripping the tape from across her face. The bandage fell away to reveal that her gash was still somewhat open. The water had only made it worse.
As Rogue sighed in frustration she peered to her own eyes in the smudged up mirror. Somehow there was a darkness within them that she hardly recognized. The image of her face screaming out before another's eyes filled her head again. With painful recognition she felt the essence of Teva running through her.
Rogue fought back tears as her stomach gave way and she sought solace in the toilet a few feet away. Heaving out her lack of contents, Rogue's chest kept constricting and her breath was shallow.
Before she could completely release the tears in her eyes there was a knock at the door.
She paused like a deer in headlights. What if it was Magneto? What is they'd found her. Was he going to kill her now or make her another pawn in his plan once again?
"Rogue?" a quiet voice reverberated underneath the door.
"Yeah, just a second." Standing, she washed her mouth out best she could with the water. Turning towards the door she prepared herself for whatever came next.
John had gotten them a lift into the city. Rogue had assumed he meant that they would be traveling by a stolen vehicle; however, she was stunned to see that he had in fact used his words instead of his fists to acquire them transport.
A heavyset man with a dusty trucker hat eyed her over as the two mutants approached his vehicle.
"Your girl looks like she's gonna be sick." The gruff driver stated.
The pyro glanced to his side where Rogue stood. She did look a bit paler than usual, but he just assumed she was as tired as he was. She refused to meet his eyes.
"She's fine." John responded.
"Just make sure she ain't spewing all over my haul kid."
With that John nudged Rogue to the boat that was clipped to the gruff man's pick up truck.
"Are we…why aren't we riding in the truck?" Rogue whispered to her partner.
"Trust me Rogue, this is a better deal. Not like I could have just ripped this guy off. We made a deal, so just get in the damn boat." The Pyro put his hand lightly over the small of her back, urging her to board the boat.
She did so without much more hesitation.
As she settled on worn in cushions of this small speedboat she recalled the way she had met Logan. How she had stowed away next to his motorcycle. Even with all the fear she had then, things had worked out for the best. Maybe fate would lend her another hand to repay her for the shitty one it had just dealt her.
As the engine began, Rogue suddenly wished to be in the truck rather than in her current surroundings. Even with the questionable man driving, the heater would most likely be on full blast. With her adrenaline kick behind her, she now realized that her body was producing little protection for her against the cool night air. She still wore the X-men uniform leather pants; however, someone had taken her jacket thus only leaving her in a ripped up tank top. She glanced over to her new partner who was seemingly scanning the tree lines.
When a large gust of the cool night air road through Rogue's back she shivered and quickly dropped off the cushion and sunk with a rather loud noise to the plastic basin.
John eyed her, "you okay there?" his voice wasn't concerned; rather it held a sarcastic undertone. It was as if in that moment all that had happened with Magneto was a lie. It was like one of these many times where Rogue would trip, fall, or do something quite embarrassing at the mansion and he would have always been the only one there to notice.
He was still eying her. Waiting for a reply.
"I'm fine. She replied with annoyance.
"Whatever you say." He stated before looking off in the distance once more.
"What are you looking for?" she asked as if she didn't already know the answer.
"Making sure we weren't followed. I told you they'll be coming after me since they know I'd never go back with you."
She thought about that. Did he mean that he would never take her back to the brotherhood or that he couldn't go to the mansion? She assumed it was the latter.
"You know… you could, come back that is," she offered.
"No, I really couldn't." He didn't elaborate although Rogue could tell there was more that he wanted to say. Instead she would be left to dwell on that later.
"Won't they guess where we're going?" she asked as she pulled her knees towards her body and proceeded to wrap her arms across them.
"They'll expect me to do certain things, yes but they won't know where we're going because I really have no idea either. This isn't some well thought out plan you know." He seemed to be upset with her once more. She took that to heart as she bit back at him.
"Maybe you should have just left me then. It would have saved you all this guilt about saving me."
That caught his full attention. He shifted around to face her from the elevated seat.
"You think I'm upset because I should have left you there? How can you say that!?"
"I understand. You gave up all your friends, your family-"
he cut her off, "my friends? Family? You really think anyone in that brotherhood would think twice killing me? We aren't some fun loving group who has picnics and basketball games on weekends. We are soldiers. We fight for our freedom from the humans who are trying to control or eradicate us. You don't understand anything Rogue!"
She decided to keep her mouth shut then. She was already exhausted and while their argument has gotten her blood pumping, she was still being thrashed to her core by the cool winds. Talking took too much energy she determined. She tried to create friction on her arms by rubbing her palms up and own her biceps.
"you cold?" he asked quietly.
She simply nodded, avoiding his gaze. He took off his leather jacket and passed it to her.
"thanks…" she whispered through chattering teeth. He produced a dramatic sigh as she slipped the jacket on. Eyeing him, Rogue watched as he slipped down from the seat so he was shoulder to shoulder with her.
"not like I get cold easily. Internal furnace and all." He stated.
She smiled slightly while still convulsing.
"Here." He sighed in frustration and began to move his hands towards her own. She scooted away from him quickly.
His face shone his shock.
"What the hell?" he basically shouted.
"You know my powers are back! I can't really control it!" she yelled back.
"I know that. I figured you'd absorb a little of my power and you wouldn't be so cold. I'm the one putting my life on the line. Don't think I forgot our little incident in Boston."
Her eyes widened.
"John, how do you know I'd even be able to pull away. I just…with Teva…I killed her John! I killed hr and now she's swimming around inside my head." She closed her eyes placing a hand across her forehead. "I can barely make out which voice is my own in here. I can't have you in here too! I can't have anyone…ever again. I won't."
Even with her eyes closed he could tell that she was near her breaking point when a tear escaped. He knew that he should do the proper thing and let her be, but he decided to press his luck.
"Now you're just gonna close up, shut down? I've seen you try and be 'normal' Rogue! I've seen you fail at that because it's pathetic." She opened her eyes and scoffed at his continuation at berating her.
"Normal is boring. You're not some helpless mutant anymore. You're not that little girl who came to Xavier's. I don't know if you'll ever get past this…but I do know you can't let this control you."
He slowly moved to sit by her side once more.
"Can we just worry about tomorrow when it comes? Right now I need to make it through the night and I'm scared to close my eyes…" Rogue said with utter exhaustion.
She closed her eyes and sunk her head into her arms.
She then felt his hand brush over her covered forearm.
"I'll wake you when we get there."
Even with all her confusion, lingering anger towards him, and frustration she lumped her head into his shoulder.
Rogue awoke a few hours later to the artificial street lamps breaching her personal space. They were on the outskirts of the city and the boat was slowing its' momentum from being toted by the truck ahead.
Turning her head ever so slightly she found that her squishy pillow was no longer her friend's shoulder, but instead he had somehow managed to lay his own head in her lap as she settled on his propped up bicep. She observed that they looked like a tangled mess of limbs. It amazed her how comfortable he was around her. He didn't seem to think twice about letting her absorb his power.
While she was still shocked and upset about his suggestion a few hours prior, she had to admire him for trying to help. Rogue knew all too well how difficult it was for him to show any kind of a thoughtful side. John Allderyce had always been cloaked in sarcasm to hide his secrets. Maybe that's why Rogue had been so drawn to Bobby in the first place. Bobby, unlike John, was an open book. Even when Bobby didn't want to say something it would be written all over his face for everyone to see.
Just as she was lost in her own thoughts, she felt John stirring in her lap. He seemed unaware off the situation or where he was. Then Rogue felt his hand squeeze her covered wrist. Then he moved up to her forearm and then her elbow. His body went rigid as he sprung to a seated position next to her.
He peered out of the corner of his eye, seemingly thinking up something to wash away what he had discovered.
As the truck stopped completely, she opted not to dwell on it.
"guess we're here?" she said with a slight questioning gaze towards her companion.
"guess so.." he moved up to the proper seat of the boat and began to take in their surroundings. He assessed the street names, signs, and buildings.
"end of the road you two." A gruff voice bellowed from the ground behind Rogue. She waited until John motioned for her and they descended the boat's ladder.
As they walked further into the city, Rogue wondered how she'd gotten this far. Not too long ago she was sitting on a park bench after fleeing the school. Now she couldn't wait to get back to some resemblance of her life.
With Teva's voice in her head she could hear what the younger girl's reaction would be. Teva would tell her take a look around before settling down. The kid had lost everything and still remained strong because she found something worth fighting for. It wasn't something that came to her, it happened to her. She saw the world running in fear from mutants and she trying to deny their existence.
Rogue knew she'd never be as reckless as the mutants she'd come across in the real world; however, she wasn't certain the X-men's plans worked either. There were too many confusing and contradicting ideas plaguing her future.
Just as her feet were getting ready to give out, John stopped ahead of her and turned to face her.
"This is it. I think we can crash here for the rest of the night. Then we'll figure out the rest later."
She simply nodded and followed him into a broken down building. Inside the staircase shook with each of their steps. Rogue thought it could cave in on them at any moment; however, John seemed unaffected. He looked determined and tired.
Stopping on the fourth level, John rapped his knuckles against a worn door.
A woman whipped open the door, angry.
"what the hell do you want at two in the morning?" the woman said before recognizing the mutant at her door and continuing, "Thought you'd gone and got yourself killed. It's been a good couple of months since you showed your face around these parts."
"I know. Been a bit Stell. I just need a place to crash and of course thought of your open door policy."
"you know it's the morning, handsome." Rogue rolled her eyes. Leave it John to pick the place with one of his admirers as a solution. The woman looked as if she could have been a few rounds with him and his friends. She was clearly comfortable with herself, even at 2 in the morning.
Stell, as John had identified her, looked past John in Rogue's direction.
"Who's the girl? You trade in the kid for a more willing model?" Stella clearly wasn't too excited by Rogue's presence.
John glanced back at Rogue before facing the older woman once more.
"drop it Stell. She's a friend. You gonna give us a room or not?"
"How long this time? You know you'll owe me extra for paleface here."
Rogue felt her blood begin to boil. She was frustrated enough with their situation and was nearing her past patience point. She wasn't one to sit and take someone's jab at her. Not now. Not from one of John's sleazy acquaintances.
John somehow seemed all too aware of Rogue's switch in demeanor.
"whatever you say. Room. Now." John demanded.
"Where are your manners honey? You think you can come up in here and order me around. You know better."
"okay I'm done with this John." Rogue huffed as she turned towards the stairs. John hurled himself in her direction. He grabbed her elbow in order to stop her.
"Hey, don't be like that." He said with sincerity in his eyes. She was taken aback by his quick demeanor alteration.
Stell seemed to be just as stunned.
"John, huh? Guess she's somebody important if she gets all the details."
"It's Pyro." He bit back at Stell.
"Fine. Last one down the hall is open. There's only a mattress, nothing fancy."
"Doesn't matter." John stated before motioning for Rogue to follow him past Stell's doorway. Both women exchanged a heated stare.
As John entered the room, he searched for the light switch. Clicking it up and down, nothing turned on.
"guess we'll have to do with no light." He stated before moving further into the room. Rogue stood in the doorway watching his shadowed outline move about the room. He opened a shade to let the street lamps flood through the grimy windows.
It didn't help too much. Now she could make out the lines of his face; however, the majority of his body was hidden. Closing the door behind her, Rogue moved into the room where an old mattress lay alone on the ground. There was a lone towel hanging in the bathroom that John took and placed over the worn mattress.
"It's better than a park bench."
"says you." She quipped back.
"Not like you're going to die from one night." He said with a sigh.
"just might contract something." She laughed inside at their situation.
"well if you wanted the Hilton then by all means go call your band of merry x-men and find your own god damn way home!" he yelled before falling back on the mattress in a huff.
She smiled towards him. She wasn't being serious before, yet he was completely riled up. It amused her. She moved towards him and peered down over him.
"What!?" he yelled in frustration.
"just waiting to see what comes out of your mouth next." She laughed. "you know I was hardly serious. This is fine."
His hardened face relaxed a bit; however, he was now angry with her for taking enjoyment at his expense. He was pouting like a child as she sat down next to him.
"You're ridiculous John Allderyce. You know that?" she asked.
"you're the one who is being ridiculous Rogue." He grumbled as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"aww, don't be like that. Come on…handsome." She used her best impression of Stell.
"shut it." He ordered.
"naw, it's too much fun seeing your squirm fireboy." She laughed once again as she peered down at his face from her sitting position.
"I'm warning you." He advised her.
"I wonder if your girlfriend's 'open door policy' applies to everyone. She could make a pretty penny off some of your friends." Rogue mused again.
With that John rolled up to sit and quickly forced Rogue's body to lie down beneath him. He had her pinned with her arms secured in his hands, parallel to her shoulders.
"maybe some of your friends would like to take part. I know ice balls has been looking for someone to take care of his needs." John bit.
The shock and amusement quickly faded on her features. Her eyebrows knitted as her eyes darted and she pursed her lips with a restraining inhale. His hardened jaw released as she swung her head to the side, avoiding his eyes.
"can you please get off me." She whispered.
He released her arms and stared at her as though he was watching a car crash that he couldn't take his eyes off of. He didn't know what he was supposed to say or do. John realized that he had burst the only bubble of happiness that she had in the past days.
And for what? Because he was tired?
She shook him off as she rolled onto her side. Sitting on his side, John searched his thoughts for a way to fix what he had done.
"Rogue…" he began, but she cut him off.
"just stop." She whispered.
"you know I didn't-" he continued as she stopped him again.
"I know…" she said, still facing away from him.
They awoke a few hours later to the bright sun drowning their room. John peered over his shoulder to find that Rogue was no longer in bed with him. He quickly shot up to scan the room. She was nowhere to be found.
Panic set in as he found his jacket on the floor. She was gone. Had she really left without saying goodbye? Had she left him to be on his own because of what he had said earlier?
Just then the door opened to reveal Rogue carrying two cups. She kicked the door behind her with her foot. Then she realized that she was face to face with rigid John.
"where the hell have you been!?" he demanded.
"I got us some coffee. Geez, what happened to you?" she asked, calmly.
"coffee? And you didn't wake me? I thought…I mean what makes you think…I…" he took a hand to his head. Running it through his hair and letting his stored air seep out, John moved towards her.
"You can't just leave without telling me, okay?" he said.
She smiled at his display. "alright."
"promise me you won't leave without telling me." He ordered.
"okay." She said.
"no, promise me." He was still riled up.
She laughed slightly, "I promise."
"good." He began pacing back towards the bed. "how the hell did you get coffee anyway? We have no money last I checked."
"I know." She grinned.
"you didn't…"
"take it without asking? Well, maybe. I mean I am learning from the best." She said.
"I can't believe this. Good little Rogue, stealing."
"believe it Pyro." She stated.
He smiled a bit to himself while she moved to sit in a window seat.
"about last night…" he started. He wasn't sure why it was so important that he apologize, but it was clear to Rogue that he wasn't letting it go.
"I already told you, I get it."
"no, I was out of line. Especially with everything that has happened in the past few weeks."
She looked at him curiously. It was as if she was seeing him in a new way. Trying to figure out who this person was in front of her.
"I accept your apology okay? So we got a plan here?" she asked.
"yeah, I figure we'll get you on a bus back to the mansion. I'm gonna go scrounge up some cash for a ticket and then you'll be off."
"a bus ticket?"
"yeah, what's wrong with that?" he asked, confused.
"what about you?" that caught him off guard. He hadn't really thought about his next move. His moves after she was back home, safe.
"who knows. Maybe I'll stay here a while. Might go off and take on those government bastards. Got a few friends still willing to help."
She moved off the window seat and walked towards him.
"so that's it? You jump around place to place and take on the government all on your own?"
"well, not on my own. I'm not completely stupid Rogue." He laughed although he stopped when her face remained serious.
"I could call Logan. He could come get me here instead of taking the bus and then-" she started, but he waved his hand in the air, understanding her underlying motives.
"You're not going to get me back there. He'll never drag me without a fight. Even then, you and I both know my place isn't there."
"John, please you can't live like this!" she pleaded.
"This is my choice Rogue. This is who I am. It's all I've ever been. Before the professor flew me back to that mansion, where do you think I was? I wasn't some wholesome kid with god-fearing parents to send me to some prep school. I was in a gutter, fighting for my life. Anything seemed better than being my father's human ashtray punching bag."
"John…" she had tears in her eyes now. All his secrets about his past…She understood it now. She understood why they had been clicked before.
He wasn't about to let his emotions break through. He was piling up that stonewall again.
She rushed closer to him with her heart aching. Not knowing what to do, she hugged him. At first it was just her arms wrapped around his neck and shoulders. He stood there, but slowly he slid his hand around her and onto her back. He felt her cheek brush his, but nothing happened. There was no pull.
He reacted then by pulling her out to arms length. Her own arms unraveled from his body as his held on to her elbows.
"Your powers didn't kick in." he said.
"I know…they've been coming in random bursts I guess. Won't be long I think until I can't control it."
"you mean, you can control it!?" he asked quickly.
"well, no. I don't know. Dr. McCoy wasn't sure if it was my mutation coming back in burst or if it was linked to my emotions…I mean I restrained myself with Peter, but it doesn't always work…sometimes-"
She was halted then by the look on John's face.
"what?" she asked, baffled.
He didn't respond, just stood there wide-eyed and contemplating something.
"what?" she tried again, getting a little annoyed.
Then before she knew what was happening, his lips were on hers. He was wrapping his arms around her once more. Rogue was surprised, to say the least. His mouth was attacking her own and while she felt the pull initially, it dissipated as the shock of his actions wore off and recognition set in.
Then she was smiling into his kiss. She was controlling her powers.
Forgetting all her reservations, Rogue kissed him back forcefully. They were melding their mouths together as their bodies pressed into one and other. He pushed her towards a wall for support. Her back pressed into the worn wood, Rogue used her hands to roam into his hair and pull his face closer into her own.
He lifted her away from the wall a bit as he dislodged his own coat from her shoulders and threw it aside. Without thinking he pulled her up on the wall and she sat along his hips.
Then they both had to come up for air. John feared that she would realize then what they had been doing, or rather who she was letting violate her mouth.
With ragged breathing between the both of them, John moved his lips to her exposed neck. She moved her hands down his back, pulling underneath his shirt's hemline.
It was then John knew that they had to stop it before he took it too far. He wanted her so badly that it was clouding his judgment, but he knew that he didn't want to be some regret for her. Usually he could have sex with careless ease. It was in his personality. Sex wasn't some big production; however, with Rogue he knew that she had never experienced the act before. For her it was an important step. As her friend, or former friend, or whatever they were now, he knew that he couldn't make the choice for her. He had to be the guy she always saw in him. Some kind of resemblance of a respectable person.
Still with her hands underneath his shirt, however now across his abs, Rogue felt his body move a few inches away from her own. He sighed with closed eyes as he pushed his forehead to lay against her own and held his hands pressed against the wall behind her head.
"John…" she said, puzzled.
"Rogue, I'm trying to be good here. I'm sorry if I just did something that you completely regret. Trust me I'm used to being that guy." His eyes were still shut, even as she searched the face leaning above her own.
"being what guy?" she asked.
"the forgettable kind." He moved his forehead off hers, keeping his hands planted on the wall on either side of her head. John opened his eyes to seek her own.
She smiled. "you know you did catch me off guard." She removed her hands from under his shirt. "I wasn't expecting it at all and when my powers kicked in I freaked out. Thing is…I controlled it!" she grinned now. "I freaking, controlled them for the first time."
"still a proper girl I guess." He was referring to her use of 'freaking' and he smiled slightly.
she placed a hand on top of his chest.
"how do you feel about me? No games." She was serious.
"I think you know now." He said.
"I need you to say it." She said back.
"say what? That you have always been one of my best friends. That even though I am this badass killer I still get weak around exactly one person? That I don't deserve any of your compassion and yet I demand it every time I see you? That I feel like a complete and utter poofter by declaring any of this shit in front of you?" he moved away from her, away from her hands.
"I know what you are John. I know what you've done and yet you keep saving me. You're there in my head when I don't want you to be and I can't for the life of me explain why it's so damn important for me to keep you alive. I was angry when Bobby said he killed you. I was angry when you left us. Yet, here I am unable to trust you completely, but irrevocably drawn to you."
"you have to go. You need to go back to the mansion and forget me Rogue. We both need to stop this now."
"why?" she moved to him, but he inched back.
"because this can never be anything than it already is. We don't fit. We don't work."
"who says?" she shouted.
"I say. You say. You just said you couldn't trust me. It's true. I don't know who I am with you. I don't know who John is."
She moved quickly to him and took his head in her hands.
"but I know who John is. I know who you are."
He ripped her palms away and backed further away.
"you have no idea who I am. You think I'll just be like I was before Magneto came."
She was unsure how to react next. It was clear that he was behind his wall once more. As Rogue fought through her mind for a way to reach him, there was a pounding on the door.
Screams flooded the hallways and shots reverberated off the walls of the building. The pounding continued as the door's hinges shook.
"Rogue!" John yelled in her direction
A/N: Thank you SO much to my lone reviewers RogueNya & MythStar Black Dragon
Your responses helped me to pick up the drive once again.
I'm also trying to bump up the readers by possibly making a trailer on YT, granted I've made a total of one X-men vid on there. Anyways if you guys have suggestions for places to find Aaron clips from stuff like Traveler, then please let me know. OR if someone wants to feels so inclined to fill my wish list then please feel free to make the trailer. Any info is brilliant!
I think I prefer writing the Ryro to all the action parts since I seem to get too wrapped up in the back-story crap. Oh well, I'm still learning and I'm proud of what I've done along this journey so far.
to RogueNya: sorry I didn't really explain Teva's power very well, but I thought I'd incorperate it more than I did in this chapter, but instead I used her more as a character voice. Don't worry if you still don't get it because in the end...it shouldn't matter.