AN: I probably should be editing this first, but life is going to be a little busy from here on out and I fear fanfiction takes a back seat in these situations. Thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter. I realize the last chapter was a little awkward and I hope this one sort of balances it out.
Surprising Explanations
Naruto paused outside Sakura's open window. He wrapped his fingers against the wood as a courtesy before her disinterested voice called him in. Naruto stepped through her window carefully, ignoring the rumble in his stomach when he caught the scent of watermelon wafting over to him from the slice on her table. Sakura glanced over at him over the top of her book. "What happened this time?" she lifted a brow. Naruto turned his cheek to her and her mouth fell open. "You didn't!" she put her book on the bed face down and hopped off. "When did you have time to hunt down Kiba?"
Naruto stepped back from the hand reaching forward, avoiding the blue glow of chakra building in the palm of her hand. The fox would heal it soon enough. He wanted to hold onto it until then. The sting of it would keep him clear headed.
"It wasn't Kiba," he said.
He clenched his jaw, trying not to wince when it shot a sharp pain along his jaw. He stared at a small stack of books on Sakura's floor. The picture of an odd configuration of sticks and circles filled the cover.
"Sai?" Sakura said. "But I just saw him..." she frowned. Naruto frowned, turning to look at his teammate. Green eyes widened slowly and for a moment Naruto hated that he would think of Gaara now when he looked into her eyes. "You went to see Gaara." She frowned when he nodded. She released the chakra in her hand and grabbed his wrist. She pulled him over to the bed, sitting down and patting the spot next to her. "Tell me what happened."
Naruto fell onto the mattress heavily. She bounced next to him, her hands curled over the edge. A wisp of her hair kept blowing into her eyes but she ignored it.
Naruto sighed and closed his eyes. "We got into an argument."
Gaara's angry eyes flashed before him again. How was he to know that the kazekage had time to be interested in romance? He had never brought it up before. He twiddled his thumbs in his lap.
Sakura's hand rested on his shoulder. She pat him lightly like she did whenever any of them were down. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Naruto was silent. It would be stupid to say no after he climbed in through the window when he could have used the front door. Of course he wanted to talk about it... if he could figure out what to say.
He grit his teeth, ignoring the pain. Why was he so good at opening his mouth and so poor with words? "I went to warn him," Naruto hesitated. Warn him about what? he thought. Warn him that people would think he was gay? Warn him that there was false rumors about their relationship? Naruto covered his hands with his face. "I wanted to give him a heads up about any rumors about us dating. And I wanted to warn him about Kiba."
"He didn't take it well?" Sakura prompted.
"He thought I had something against him being gay. But I tried to explain that wasn't it... that I was just trying to look out for him. You know guys like Kiba aren't interested in romance." Sakura nodded. "I was just... trying to protect him, the same way I would for you." Naruto looked at Sakura and caught a less than sympathetic look on her face.
"What did Gaara say?"
Naruto sighed. He shouldn't have been this upset, but his cheek stung and he'd been fighting back the lump in his throat since he left the kazekage's suite. He took a deep breath to calm himself.
"He said maybe he wanted Kiba's attention... and he didn't say it, but he implied that it was none of my business. I was just trying to help..."
Sakura let out a sigh. Her hand slipped from his shoulder and landed in her lap. She looked down at her own small hands. "I tried to stop him before he left," Naruto continued. "I didn't want him to leave angry with me. I thought... if I could just explain in a way that could make him understand! The sand lashed out before I could reach him. I don't know what happened. I've never had trouble with it before." Naruto's insides clenched and he realized, without voicing it that this was what hurt.
"Naruto," Sakura placed a hand on his knee. "Do you remember that question I asked you last night?" Naruto looked at her wondering what that had to do with this. "Did you figure out your answer?" she asked carefully.
"That's totally different," he turned his body away from her. "This is about our friendship. I tried to help and he basically smacked me and told me to mind my own business. Is that how you treat your closest friends?" Naruto scowled. Sakura muttered something under her breath. Naruto let out a startled yelp when his butt was suddenly colliding with the wooden floor. "Hey! I thought you were supposed to sympathize with me!"
"Not when you're being a moron!" Sakura crossed her arms and stuck out her tongue. "For as long as I've known Gaara, the only non-related person he lets close to him is you. And as far as I can tell, that hasn't changed between yesterday and today. Yesterday you were freaking out that Gaara liked you. Now you're freaking out that other boys are looking at him and that suddenly, you might not be his most important person. Tell me what part of this isn't you being immature and selfish?"
Naruto crossed his arms and turned his nose up the other way. Obviously Sakura didn't get it.
"Naruto," she warned. "Let's be honest now. How do you feel about Gaara?"
Hurt, angry, confused, worried, like the world was topsy turvy and the kazekage was the cause... "I'm upset," he said. "I know him, and I know he's been hurt in ways most people shouldn't be. He doesn't know what the dating scene can be like, or how crazy it can get. I just didn't want him to get hurt again."
"Naruto," Sakura tried again. "He's the kazekage. Do you really think he couldn't defend himself if someone made unwanted advances?"
"That's not it either!" Naruto said. "Sometimes..." Naruto sighed. He ran his hand through his hair wondering why this had to be so damn difficult. "Would you let Sai go out with just anyone?" he shot at her. Sakura let out a chortle before shaking her head. "His rudeness aside, Sai's not all that familiar with relationships. It's probably ridiculous, but I worry that someone would try to take advantage of his ignorance, or lack of experience. It's the same with Gaara, only... worse."
Sakura slid from her bed to the floor. She scooted up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder again. "Would it be so terrible if Gaara was interested in Kiba? Would it be so terrible if he wasn't so interested in romance like you are? Not everyone wants a lasting relationship at 19. Can't you trust him to make his own decisions, even if you don't agree with his approach?"
"But Gaara's not like that!" he protested and then froze. His mind flashed to the stack of magazines in the room. Kankuro had left them, but why? Why leave an entire pile of het and gay porn magazines with the kazekage? Unless... "Oh man," Naruto covered his face. Of course he was interested in intimacy. Who wouldn't be after so many years of feeling alone? He remembered what Gaara said about the difficulties of catching him alone. And yet all this time... he had taken it for granted.
"Ugh, why am such an idiot?" he groaned, pounding his head lightly with his fists. "Sakura," he whined, "I've totally screwed up this time."
"It wouldn't be a first," she commented under her breath. "Fill me in, because none of that now just made sense."
Naruto sighed, slumping his shoulders and resting his head against the mattress. "All this time... I was the closest one to him and I never noticed. All this time..." Naruto mused to himself. "You're right. I never did see it. The smiles, the special treatment, the fact that I'm the only one that was allowed with him without escort. And I took it all for granted."
"No duh. I told you as much when you were freaking out yesterday."
"But I didn't think he liked me. He never talked about girls, or porn, or dates or any of that. I just... assumed he wasn't interested."
"Again, I thought we established that yesterday," Sakura prodded him.
"I'm getting there!" Naruto said impatiently. "I've got a million different things swirling in my head and it's a little tough putting them in order! But to, continue, I went to warn him today about Sai's rumors. I even laughed at the idea of us dating."
Sakura frowned at him. "I didn't mean to mock the idea... but I was nervous and argh! I've totally hurt his feelings even though I swore I wouldn't! And now he thinks I'm a homophobe and that I don't like him and he'll run into Kiba's arms just because the bastard is a sleaze and I practically told him the guy wants into his pants and if anything happens to him because of this it will be all my fault because I was stupid and opened my mouth without thinking again!"
Sakura shook his shoulders until he calmed down. "Whoa, Naruto, slow down. First off, Gaara is leaving tomorrow with the rest of the Suna shinobi and second, I really don't see him dashing off recklessly into Kiba's arms. Give the guy some credit. Even Sai has standards."
Naruto nodded. He didn't mention the part where Gaara admitted no interest in Kiba, or the hurt look in his eyes when he realized the sand had lashed out. He didn't admit it because Naruto didn't want to admit it. It was easier to deal with anger than guilt.
"Naruto," Sakura's voice was soft and comforting, like a parent talking to a child. "Is the idea of dating Gaara so terrible? Does it horrify you as much as you're letting on? It's not like you're taken, or dating anyone else. I've never known you to get intimate with anyone despite your rise in popularity. I think Sai has racked up more experience points than you."
"Sai?" Naruto's face twisted. "With who?"
Sakura looked away a bit sheepishly. "It was only once," she admitted. Naruto's face fell.
He climbed up and stomped over to the window. "I'll kill him!" he declared.
Sakura tugged him away from the window and pushed him back onto the bed. "No you will not!" She rested her hands on her hips and glared at him. "It was my decision to make and I made it. As I said... Sai has his standards."
"But he knows I've had a crush on you since we were 12!"
Sakura rested her head in her hands. "Do you really now? Because I don't recall you ever asking me out in the past year or trying to make a move on me. Think really hard and then tell me you still have a crush on me. Or better yet, tell me what it is about me that you like."
"That's because you always say no," Naruto muttered. He felt like he was 12 again and Sakura had just rejected him for the millionth time. "And I like you because you're beautiful, and smart and strong and," Naruto paused. And he had stopped asking since he failed to bring back Sasuke; his one promise to her and he had failed. "I never really asked, because I knew you were waiting for someone else. Or so I thought you were." Naruto's eyes slid over to the nightstand, catching his reflection in the glass framing the photo from their genin days.
Sakura stepped away and glanced at her book shelf. Her fingers brushed her school books from their academy days.
"You know, back then I wasn't so strong. I was loud and obnoxious and pretty damn insecure. Looking back on it, I think part of me was attracted to Sasuke because he was good looking. Part of me wanted to be recognized by someone who seemed so strong, so confident. If he could care about me, then I was worth being cared about. It was the same for you, wasn't it?" She sent him a wistful smile.
Naruto picked up the frame and brought it closer to him. It was true back then that he was a goof off and a clown. Back then it was a good day if Iruka scolded him and if his pranks meant another day of not being ignored. It was probably that same need for attention, that same craving for recognition that led him to declare his crush on the prettiest girl in class and his rivalry with the most popular boy in school.
His guilt over his broken promise aside, it had been years since Sakura pined over Sasuke. They had become close in his absence. If anyone should have noticed that Sakura no longer talked about bringing him back, it was him. She was no longer the same twelve year old girl he had declared his crush on. She had grown, and so had he.
"You really let Sai convince you to make out with him?" Naruto grimaced. The idea was too weird to fathom. Sakura covered her face with one hand and groaned.
"Word of advice, Sai may seem socially inept, but he's a lot more crafty these days than you'd think. There's a reason why it was a one-time deal." She shook her head at him with a laugh before he could ask for more details. "But really Naruto, you should think about it. What's so different between our friendship than the one you have with Gaara? If you can answer that... well, maybe that's the solution to all of this."
Naruto glanced down at the photo again. His finger traced the long pink hair that was once Sakura's greatest vanity. He couldn't remember the last time the thought of her made his heart beat faster.
-
Gaara knocked on the door and waited. When no one answered he tried again. He opened up his senses and felt the slight flare of two chakra signatures on the other side. Gaara turned and nodded to his guard. He walked down a few steps when the door opened behind him.
"Gaara, what's wrong?" Temari poked her head out of the door. Gaara noted the errant strands of hair that had fallen out of her pigtails, the pink cheeks and the messy appearance. He warred between telling her to forget it, to walk away and leave her to her suitor. But he also didn't want to unburden himself on Kankuro tonight.
Temari caught the slight frown. "Come in," she said and nodded toward her suite. He hesitated, but she was already opening the door and greeting his guard. Gaara approached slowly. She moved aside to allow him in. Gaara paused just inside, noting the man on her bed pulling on a chuunin vest. Nara Shikamaru bowed his head awkwardly. Gaara returned the bow, never keeping his eyes off of him.
"I've interrupted you," Gaara said politely. He turned to leave, but Nara was on his feet.
"No, you're fine. I was just leaving. His hand brushed along Temari's back as he passed, the touch just lingering as he whispered something to her. Temari lowered her eyelids. Her cheeks turned a light pink and Gaara turned away. "Kazekage-sama," Nara said, bowing at the door. His footsteps were light down the hall.
"I'm sorry," Gaara tried not to look at the bed. "I didn't know."
"That's because I never told you," Temari said. She walked to the bed and tried to tidy it up. She picked up the pillow from it's half fallen position and fluffed it up a bit before dropping it near the head board.
"How long... have you," Gaara didn't know how to finish that sentence. He folded his arms over his chest and stepped over to the window. A few stars twinkled at him like a familiar face smiling at him from a different angle.
"It's hard to say really. We see each other so seldomly."
"Do you love him?" Gaara asked.
His sister was quiet behind him, the sound of fabric rustling had ceased. She approached him slowly and this time the sand did not strike when she placed a hand upon his shoulder. "In my own way," she said. "It's never been a traditional romance, but I think... I think that's why I can love him."
"What's it like?" Gaara asked. He wondered where Naruto was tonight. Gaara wouldn't know where to find him if he tried. The other shinobi had always come to him. He glanced at his sister, noting the softer look in her eyes. He had grown up with a fierce woman, a girl tough enough to give the boys a challenge. It surprised him to see her look so feminine.
"Well he's obnoxious sometimes, and he thinks he's so smart, which I suppose he is, though he did finally give up that annoying habit of giving up too easily. But mostly he's lazy about things and knows how to get under my skin and for the life of me, I can't stop coming back to him for more." Temari smirked, looking out the window. Gaara mused on Uzumaki's ramblings, and his silly, sometimes idiotic claims, and his pranks and his carelessness. He felt he could understand.
"But he's not all bad. He challenges me and I like that he's not afraid of me." Temari smiled, tilting her head against Gaara's shoulder. Without her shoes on they stood at nearly the same height. "Yeah. That must be it," she mused to herself.
Gaara nodded slightly. "Yeah," he agreed. She wrapped one arm around his waist and they stood like that, looking out at the stars. Gaara had always wondered when Temari became so physically affectionate. He imagined Nara played a hand in it.
"You still haven't told me why you're here," she said. "I thought you would be with Uzumaki." Gaara remained quiet. Temari lifted her head and pulled away to look at him better. "Did something happen with him?" Gaara took a deep breath.
"My sand lashed out at him this afternoon."
"Were you two sparring? Was he up to no good?" Temari frowned.
Gaara turned from the window. He shook his head, glancing down at his hands again. It had been a long time since he failed to control his shield.
"It was unprovoked." He turned to his sister and for a moment he wondered what guidance he had been hoping for.
"Tell me what happened." She leaned against the wall and glanced out the window, turning her face away from him the way she did everytime he endeavored to tell her something personal. He wondered if she was uncomfortable or if it was for his sake.
"I have been... discovering my attraction to someone." Temari's green eyes widened. Her face seemed to pale slightly. "It has been a... confusing experience. Kankuro thought it best if I figure out my preferences before venturing into any form of experimentation." Temari nodded. "And it was at this time that Inuzuka Kiba became aware of my tastes."
"Your tastes?" Temari asked.
"For men," Gaara said. Temari nodded and he felt an unexpected relief that she seemed neither surprised nor uncomfortable with this declaration. "Uzumaki has discovered this as well, along with Inuzuka's interest." Gaara looked down. Their earlier exchange still weighed heavy on his heart. Uzumaki's words still stung.
"He's uncomfortable with your attraction to men?" Temari said, surprised.
Gaara breathed slowly. Their angry words came back to him, his own anger included. "He wanted me to stay away from Inuzuka."
"Has he," Temari paused and turned her eyes down. "I mean to say, is there an understanding..."
"Uzumaki has expressed no desire to change the nature of our relationship," Gaara said. He meant it to sound factual, but he was certain that this one phrase had just revealed everything to his sister. He didn't look to see the frown he knew would be there.
"But if he isn't interested in having you to himself, then what should stop you from receiving another man's attentions?"
Gaara shook his head. He had asked himself the same question. "Uzumaki doubts Inuzuka's intentions. He has an askew notion that my virtue needs protection." Temari snorted.
"That guy... Only he would." Gaara smiled a little. It was rather humorous when one thought about it. The former monster of Suna and his friend thought he needed protection. "But what happened with your sand?" Temari asked.
The smile instantly faded. I was leaving when it lashed out behind me. It struck Uzumaki when he tried to reach for me. I don't think he had any ill intent, but the sand construed it as so." Gaara sighed. "It has never happened before."
Temari bit her lip and narrowed her eyes. She reached forward, but the sand smacked her hand away. "Ouch! Okay, so I kind of expected that," she rubbed her hand. She tried again and this time, the sand allowed her to place her hand harmlessly on his shoulder. She titled her head to the side. "Hrm. Interesting."
"What?" Gaara asked, confused by what she was doing.
"When I intended to pinch you, it struck me. When I had no intent to harm you, it allowed me to touch you. The automatic reactions aren't off."
"But that would mean..." Gaara didn't want to finish that thought.
Temari was shaking her head. "I don't think so. He wouldn't, not unless it was warranted. But I do remember that you had less control over it when you were younger. I always suspected," she paused.
"What?" Gaara prompted her.
"I always thought it might be tied into your emotions." She pulled away her hand and held it out in front of her. "It's hardly even red." She held it up for him to see. Her pale hand was slightly flushed from where the sand smacked her, but it would not bruise. "If you were angry with me, I think that rap on the knuckles would have hurt a lot more."
Gaara nodded. That made sense. It had simply been so long since he lost control over himself. It had been a long time since he had lashed out off the battle field.
"Am I to understand that this attraction you're discovering is to your best friend?" Temari said. There was no teasing, no shock, none of the reactions that Gaara had expected. And yet he couldn't stop the annoying blush that seemed to flare to life everytime he had to acknowledge his attraction to the leaf shinobi.
He nodded quietly. Temari stepped forward slowly. She put her arms around him and pulled him into one of her dreaded hugs. "I was both hoping for and afraid of that at the same time. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel."
Gaara shook his head against her. He already knew how Uzumaki felt about this. Telling him would only make the rejection worse.
"He's your best friend, Gaara. You need to be honest with him about this. Let him think it over. The worst that could happen is he says no and you have to move on."
Gaara nodded, though he didn't quite agree. No, the worse was that he could lose his friendship, over anger, hurt, jealousy, a million other human failings that this new interest in romance seemed to drag up. But his sister was right about one thing. He needed to at least clear this confusion over how he felt. He needed to figure it out before anyone else got hurt.
-
The wind picked up and Naruto wondered if there was another storm rolling in. The wind lifted his hair as it blew through the window. He picked at his clothes, which clung to him uncomfortably looking around to make sure no one was looking. He entered the long hallway, noting the familiar guard at the end, leaning against the wall next to the wooden door of the Kazekage's suite. Naruto approached with a sheepish smile. At this point, he thought it almost rude that he didn't know the other man's name.
"Good evening," he said bashfully. He glanced at the door, feeling his heart skip a beat as he imagined how angry his friend was on the other side. He imagined the kazekage turning him away or ignoring him. "Um... may I see the Kazekage?"
The guard stood up a little straighter, his hands relaxing from their previous crossed position against his chest.
"The kazekage is not to be disturbed tonight. He must prepare for the journey back."
Naruto nodded, lowering his head. Of course he wouldn't be let through. It was silly to think that he would receive any sort of special treatment after his behavior earlier in the day.
"At least that's what I'm supposed to tell everyone that comes by," the guard whispered. Naruto's head popped up in surprise.
"What do you mean?" He glanced at the door. The guard looked down both ends of the hall. He beckoned Naruto closer with one wag of his finger. He leaned forward just as Naruto did.
"He's not here. He snuck out. He refused to tell anyone where." Naruto felt his heart stop in a moment of sheer panic. The guard must of seen his panic. "I'm sure he's fine. He said he had to see to some unfinished business." Naruto thought of the magazines in the bag. Maybe he had just returned them to Kankuro. Yeah, that was it. That had to be it.
"Thanks!" Naruto said, already running down the hall. He tried to remember where Kankuro's suite was, taking the stairs two at a time. He caught himself just as his foot nearly landed the next step. He breezed past the corner and collided hard into another body and bounced back hard enough to fall.
"Geez, watch where you're going!" Kankuro growled at him. "Oh, no wonder. It's you." He rubbed his shoulder where it had collided with the wall. "What are you doing here?"
Naruto got up onto his feet and rubbed his behind. "Looking for Gaara," he frowned. "I can't find him."
"I thought you two were inseparable." Kankuro used the wall to climb back onto his feet. "I haven't seen him since this afternoon before our short encounter on the training field." Naruto grimaced. "And hey, what's this I hear about a date?" Kankuro raised an eyebrow. Naruto sighed.
"A misunderstanding," he said calmly. "But I suppose if it will keep that creep Inuzuka away from him, it's better not to correct it," Naruto crossed his arms. Kankuro looked at him, surprised.
"So you're not dating my brother?"
Naruto rubbed the back of his neck, shifting his feet nervously.
"I see. Well, don't lead him on. I'd rather leave my brother in the hands a genuine ass than a disingenuine one." Naruto didn't miss the insult. "Later," Kankuro pushed him aside and disappeared up the stairs.
Naruto walked slower after that while he mulled over Kankuro's words. He had meant it rather jokingly, but in a way he hadn't. He almost did want to allow Kiba to keep thinking the Kazekage was taken. But why should it matter who Gaara dated?
He thought about Sakura and in a way, he thought it okay that Sai was the one she made out with first. He knew how strong she was and he knew better than to push her into anything she didn't want. And in a way, Sakura also would never take advantage of Sai. But he would never let someone like Kiba take advantage of either of them. Or anyone for that matter. But Naruto wasn't sure how he felt about any of them dating other people. It's just that... he knew how Gaara felt, or he thought he did. Gaara valued the precious bonds around him. Something like romance should be precious. It shouldn't be just a cheap fuck or a drunken one-night stand. Those just got you into more trouble, not to mention the havoc it could wreak on your wallet. Naruto grimaced remembering Jiraiya's love of women.
But what if Gaara didn't agree with him on this? What if he didn't see romance as a way to be closer to someone? He didn't like the idea of Gaara being with someone who didn't appreciate him.
Naruto was distracted the entire way home. He kept mulling over what it was about this entire situation that he hated so much. He kept asking him why it was different from his relationship with Sakura. Why had he given up on ever catching her interest? Naruto walked down the street absently. He looked up when he caught the scent of ramen and realized his feet had taken him to Ichiraku without him realizing it.
Sai slipped off his stool and abandoned the bowl still steaming from beneath the curtain.
"What happened to your date?" the other man frowned slightly. Naruto sighed.
"I told you, I don't have one."
"But you were supposed to meet with the Kazekage," Sai pointed out. He fell into step beside Naruto, walking down a few steps.
Naruto huffed. "Yeah right. He's avoiding me. Probably ran off to Inuzuka if dog-face hasn't already sniffed him out."
"Oh, he won't," Sai said pleasantly.
"What do you mean?" Naruto stopped and turned to face his teammate. Sai still didn't emote much, but now and then his voice picked up inflection.
"Kankuro beat him up pretty good. And I told him I would try next if he got in the way of your love."
Naruto's mouth fell. "What the hell did you do that for? We're not in a relationship!" Naruto covered his face and groaned. Now Gaara would really kill him. "You know I've liked Sakura since I was in elementary!" The words left his mouth before he could stop it. He paused at his own declaration. Did he really? he thought to himself. He remembered where he was and shook off his doubt. He grabbed Sai by the front of his shirt and shook him. "And who said you could touch Sakura-chan!? I should beat you to a pulp."
Sai endured it until Naruto calmed down. His face was blank again. "I was showing her how easy it was to seduce someone. She was interested in the lesson."
Naruto paused. Was he the only one not preoccupied with kissy facing other people? He couldn't imagine that it was mission related. "Who was she going to seduce?" Naruto blurted out. He released Sai and took a step back.
Sai's eyes widened in slight surprise. "You. Until I told her to stop waiting for someone who had resigned himself to losing to Uchiha."
Naruto took a few more steps back. Sai's words stunned him like a punch to the gut. Denial lingered on the tip of his tongue, his rebuttal, nothing sharper than a "you're wrong," or "take that back." But it was too late for either of those he realized, as he turned and stumbled silently toward home.
Part of me wanted to be recognized by someone who seemed so strong, so confident. . . It was the same for you, wasn't it? Sakura's voice floated back to him.
Naruto brushed his fingers along the wooden fence lining the vegetable field. He ignored the slight sting of a splinter sinking in to the tender flesh beneath a finger nail. He dragged his fingers along anyways.
Is that what had happened to his crush? Had it faded the moment he achieved his goal when she recognized him as a teammate and a friend; as a confidante and something akin to family? When he asked her out to ramen it no longer had the ulterior motives behind it. He no longer stared at his feet and blushed at her while he hoped that her acceptance was indicative of her feelings for him. It was a given that she would join him for lunch, or allow him to crawl through her window... or sit on her bed. When had they fallen into this comfortable camraderie? How had he missed her quiet return of his feelings? What could he possibly do about it now that she had given it up?
He felt a dampness on his cheek and glanced up while he brushed it away. The gray clouds shifted before his eyes and he closed them; face to the sky, unmoving even when the few drops grew heavier with the rain quick on it's heels. He was drenched in a matter of minutes while the few civilians caught in the sudden downpour rushed for shelter beneath the awnings and inside the doorways of nearby shops. Naruto caught a pair of lovers giggling, arms wrapped around each other and smiling at their dampness. A few kids dodged him as they laughed down the street. Naruto turned his head absently as they swept by.
He was alone on the street.
He continued down the curve that led to his quiet neighborhood on the outskirts of the busy market district. He ignored the way his shoes squelched or the uncomfortable feeling between his wet toes. He wanted to see Sakura and he wanted to run. He wanted to go back and punch Sai, but deep down he feared what else he would say.
Naruto took the stairs slowly. His shoes left wet footprints on each painted step and after fumbling with his keys and pushing open the door he kicked his shoes onto the tiled entryway. He slipped off his shirt and dropped it to the floor. He watched his feet spread dirty wet marks on his otherwise fairly clean floor.
The storm outside cooled the air and for once Naruto didn't feel like he was suffocating in his own apartment. When a wind whistled through the window he wondered absently how he had left it open. He walked to his bedroom to check, halting at the doorway.
The Kazekage leaned against his wall, his back turned while he watched the rain outside. He wore his full coat, the heavy material no doubt boiling, but he seemed not to mind.
Naruto felt a moment of panic. He took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face tiredly. This isn't what he needed right now.
"I need to talk to you," Gaara said quietly. Naruto could barely make out his voice over the sound of the rain. He felt a spike of irritation that the other man had let himself in, forgetting his panic a moment before.
"Have you been here the whole time?" he said, going to his closet and fishing out a dry shirt. He pulled it over his head, struggling when it got stuck on his still damp body. "I tried to find you at your suite you know. I thought we were going to meet after you were done. I thought..." He stopped struggling and the shirt fell down the rest of his torso. "I thought you didn't want to see me."
"I was looking for you," Gaara said.
Naruto's hands paused on a pair of dry shorts. He remembered their angry scene earlier.
"I came to apologize." Gaara stirred, the fabric of his heavy coat rustling. "My sand lashed out because I failed to control it. Because I was upset."
Naruto nodded, keeping his back to his friend, pressing his fingers to the already healed cheek. The pain of rejection still smarted. "This is kind of a bad time," he said, pulling his hand away. He chose this moment to notice the splinter under his nail, picking at it and sucking the small pin prick of blood that ruptured.
"I fear it's the only time. We leave before dawn."
Naruto's eyes flared open. He had almost forgotten that the Suna party was leaving. The guard had told him Gaara was preparing for the journey. But it didn't lessen the surprise.
"I felt I had to explain to you what happened. What is happening," he quieted. Naruto didn't respond. He wasn't sure how to. He hadn't been able to figure out what was going on either with himself or the Kazekage. He sank onto the bed, forgetting his plan to change his damp clothes. Gaara turned to face him. He looked pale against the gray light of the darkening sky outside his window. He thought offhandedly of turning on a light. But Gaara was watching him, mouth still shaping the words that came next.
"Recently," he started cautiously, tongue darting to lick his lips while he averted his eyes. "My. . . sexuality has been called into question."
Naruto stopped himself from nodding. "By who?" he asked, wondering who else had caught wind of it.
Gaara shook his head. "I've been questioning it," he clarified.
Naruto looked down at his hands. His nail had stopped bleeding. He rubbed the spot where a small splinter was still embedded beneath the skin, trying to focus anywhere but the green eyes no doubt gauging his reaction.
"For a long time, I've never admired someone to the point of desiring a physical relationship. I'm trying to understand myself in this capacity."
Naruto was quiet, wishing Gaara would just speak plainly. "And you found someone?" he said, thinking of Inuzuka's cocky attitude and his apparent interest in the kage. "Like Inuzuka?" he said.
Gaara sighed audibly in the quiet room. He retreated the few steps he had taken and returned to the window.
"I am hardly acquainted with the shinobi. We met by chance when my brother borrowed that rather large stack of grotesqueness you discovered in my suite earlier today. My brother wished to aid my investigation into my own preferences."
Naruto frowned, remembering the near even split of men and women's magazines.
"You don't know if you like girls or guys?" He remembered the awkward moment beneath the tree the day before. He had thought it was a given.
But Gaara shook his head. He turned his face to look out the window and his tattoo seemed to stand out even more in the growing dimness like a black shadow against pale white. "What's it like, desiring someone?"
The summer sun was nearly gone, the blue of early dusk shining a pale light through his window. Naruto took a calming breath, eyes fixed on the near black and white figure frozen by the window. He threw himself back onto the bed and stared at his ceiling.
He had been wrong, about Inuzuka. There was nothing between them. And there most likely never would be. Sakura was right. He was being immature.
He felt something lift that he did not know had been weighing on him. He felt a blessed sense of relief and he did not know where it was coming from. He almost smiled to realize that his askew notion he had of Gaara the past day had been wrong. That he was still the same pure, somewhat vulnerable guy when it came to matters of the heart.
"What's it like?" he thought aloud. He delved back into his memory during the days at the academy, when Sakura ignored him and yet nothing she could do was wrong in his eyes. "Well, for me, when I first started to like Sakura, we weren't on the same team. Part of why I enjoyed going to school was because she was there. I wanted to see her. I would get nervous when I did, but that's because we didn't know each other well and I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to see me and acknowledge me more than anyone else. I guess you can say I wanted her approval."
Naruto clasped his hands over his stomach. Is this what had changed? After seeing her daily had the excitement worn off? After having her praise and her confidence, was he simply no longer desperate to have it? He shook away his thoughts and returned to the question.
"To me, she was the most beautiful girl. There was nothing she could do that was wrong. And I would do just about anything to please her." Naruto's smile faltered. Even battered and beaten he had made himself smile. He made himself promise he would bring Sasuke back just so he wouldn't see her cry again. Those tears had not been for him.
"I wanted to take care of her, to make sure she never got hurt. I wanted to protect her, even though I know she's strong and is better at taking care of herself than I am. It's not always rational, but I just wanted her to be happy." Happy, he thought, eyes lowering to his clasped hands. It used to be Sasuke that made her happy. All he had to do was show up and she would smile. He had thought... if I could only bring him back.
"And have you succeeded? In earning her approval," Gaara added quickly. Naruto huffed and thought of his recent conversations. Apparently he had succeeded better than he thought. He rolled over onto his side noting the odd way Gaara had clasped a hand over the zipper of his coat.
"Yeah," he muttered. The kazekage's hand tightened. "But apparently I missed my chance. And I'm not sure how I feel about that," he said honestly. Gaara gave a single nod of his head. The storm outside had eased a little. The rain lightened into a steady stream outside.
"You know you can take your coat off," Naruto mentioned offhandedly. He pushed himself up with one hand and got up to look for a spare shirt in his closet. Gaara never packed the right clothes for Konoha unless it was in the winter time. But the kazekage shook his head rather strongly.
He turned and Naruto paused at the softened expression on his face. His eyelids were weighed down with sadness. He walked forward slowly, hands falling to his sides. "It's not exactly the same, but I think... I think I can understand your feelings."
Naruto's heart skipped a beat. He took a quick breath, tempted to turn away.
"It's the same," he lowered his eyes. "All of it." Naruto's stomach fluttered. "It was so much easier to understand when I simply wanted to prove myself, to show that I had discovered this new type of strength." He lifted a hand and Naruto realized it was too late to laugh it off now. It was too late to back out. Gaara's fingers brushed Naruto's cheek and Naruto released a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He stood stock still, too aware of the sand that was tied in with the rather unstable emotions between them. "But when we touch," he let out a wispy breath, "I can't control this feeling inside and it scares me." The kazekage leaned in closer, his face a shadow tilted upward in the light. His palm was warm and smooth, unexpectedly smooth for a shinobi and Naruto vaguely remembered that Gaara didn't wield weapons like most of them.
"I think, Uzumaki," his breath was warm and humid. More humid in the suddenly dry air than the sweltering heat of mid-summer. Naruto breathed heavily while warmth flared in his body. Somewhere in the back of his mind he remembered that he had met Gaara after his days of desperation, when he wasn't hell bent on forcing everyone to acknowledge him. He befriended the kazekage not because he craved something, but because he understood the other's craving. There was his answer. That was the difference. Their bond was forged not through need, but a once painful understanding.
"I think, that I like you," Gaara whispered, and their lips brushed with each word, the last syllable shaping his mouth into the pout of a kiss that Naruto felt himself leaning into despite the madness of it all.
His eyes slipped close and he listened to the rapid drumming of his heart, aware of the heat just beneath the surface of his skin; aware of all the times he had dreamed of his first kiss and how it had never felt quite like this. He had never believed he would tremble quite like this. And then Gaara's mouth was gone and the room seemed much darker and so much stiller around them.
The kazekage shifted, his hand clutching the material at his chest once more. "This heart burns with jealousy at the thought of you loving another," he whispered into the too quiet room. Naruto thought of his earlier jealousy, his silly outrage when he thought of Gaara and Kiba together. He let out a shuddering breath.
"But if she makes you happy," Gaara turned away, walking toward the window, "she has my blessing." Naruto looked up in surprise. The kazekage looked down at him, his body already molded to the window frame. "Forgive my selfishness this day." His head tilted and he rested there, his expression obscured by shadows. "I will not let it disrupt our friendship again."
Naruto opened his mouth, but in the brief moment of his hestitation the Kazekage slipped away.