Here's to chapter two. I am far too eager to continue this. Well, however. Here we are.
Mom used to tell us stories when we were younger. She told us a lot about her life. I guess in that aspect she isn't the average Abnegation woman. But then again, she was a transfer from Dauntless. Sometimes she would let us choose a story and then we always wanted to hear about life in Dauntless headquarters. We were fascinated by the way of live and we admired the bravery and their ideals.
It was something I kept thinking about. I always dreamed of transferring to Dauntless but how could I follow their ideals of, for example, standing up for those who can't defend themselves, when I can't even stand up for myself or my sister. I sometimes used wish that someone would come, be Dauntless and defend us and stand up for us. But I have grown up and I have realized that this is never going to happen.
Probably, because Dauntless used to have those ideals but didn't exactly follow them anymore. Just like all the other factions. We all live by a set of rules rather that a set of ideals we strive to reach. That might sound depressing but that situation is not hopeless at all. We just need to remember why our factions were and what the thoughts behind the rules and ideals were. If we accomplish that I hope we could go back to how it was supposed to be.
Such thoughts and many more occupied my mind as I watched the night fade and the sun climb the horizon. Through the night I have tried very hard not to think about the Aptitude Test, because those thoughts have a habit of going on a rollercoaster ride through my head. I am scared. Scared, that my Aptitude is not Abnegation but also scared that it is Abnegation. I feel like I can neither stay, nor go. Going would mean leaving little Lizzie alone and unprotected but staying would mean throwing away my one chance to be free of Marcus. I guess I already decided to stay, since leaving would be the most selfish thing I'll ever do but that does not mean that I have come to terms with it.
When the watch on my wrist tells me it's six in the morning, I shake Liz awake and tell her to get dressed and ready for the day while I prepare breakfast for Marcus. Like every day I pray that we'll already be gone when Marcus starts his day, but like every day, the odds aren't in our favor. I set the bacon on the table as I hear him stomping down the steps.
"Ey, you little worthless piece of shit! Where's my breakfast?"
"On the table, Sir. As usual." I tell him. "Oh and today is the Aptitude Test, so we probably won't be home on time, Sir."
"Ah, right. The Test… well, I expect you to be home punctual anyway and the you tell me your result. And don't you dare have anything but Abnegation. I didn't rain you all these years to be selfless only for you to transfer in the end. Understood?" I am well aware that we aren't supposed to share our test results, but I have long since given up on reasoning with my 'stepdad', so all I reply is "Yes, Sir!" And step out of the house, tugging Liz behind me, before he reconsiders and gives us the occasional good-morning-beating. Been there, done that.
Another look on the watch tells me that we are extremely early and so we decide to walk to school, instead of taking the bus. I actually love walking to school, strolling along the streets, feeling the fresh air on my face; fresh air that smells of freedom to me. I love having that few minutes where there's no one there to see me, when I can just be me, and don't have to try so hard to fit in pictures that are expected of me.
I laugh a little to myself at the thought of how something as selfless as giving up one's place in the bus can be so selfish on the same time. And I know deep inside that Marcus is right when he says that I am nowhere near selfless enough to truly fit in Abnegation. I do think about myself and my loved ones far too often.
Liz looks up to me with a questioning glance, wondering why I was laughing. "Nothing, really" I reply. "I was just thinking about how Marcus is right when he says that I'm not selfless."
My sister shoots me another glance, but this time it's disbelieving and a little sad. "How can you not be selfless, Tris!? You are the most selfless person I know. Come on, look at yourself. You took beatings and never uttered a word about it to anyone, in order to protect Tobias and me. Even now you throw yourself into harm's way at any opportunity that presents itself. You have given up everything to make things better for everyone else. If that's not what being in Abnegation is about, then I don't know. You are the bravest and most selfless person I know, Tris Prior. And I often wish that I was more like you. But that's not the point right now. The point is that you can't trust this lunatic's judgment on matters, or he wouldn't abuse any of us. So keep that in mind when you finally get to leave him tomorrow, because you of all people deserve to get out of this misery."
Her words and her eyes hold so much love and confidence that I feel myself tearing up. I struggle hard to keep the tears from falling, but I never knew that this is how my sister feels about me. No one has said such kind things to me in a long time. And still I know that there is no way that I can leave tomorrow.
"But Liz, you must realize that I can't possibly leave you all alone with this psychopath for three years! That is not going to happen. That would go against everything I have fought for in the past few years. I know what he is capable of and I love you, my baby sister, so I am going to stay here and protect you, until you're old enough to make your own choice, maybe join your brother in Dauntless or go to any other faction and go your own way. That's what you deserve, not being stuck here with Marcus."
I do realize that I had a very similar discussion with Tobias two years ago. But then I argued Liz' side and he mine. However, things are different now. When he left I wasn't all alone. Plus, the beatings weren't as bad back then. Still, due to my former experience, I understand Liz and know exactly what she is going to reply, so before she gets a chance to open her mouth I go on.
"Look, Lizzie, I get your point. I do, after all I argued your position two years ago with Tobias. But please, for just one second, imagine yourself in my position. What would you feel and do? Would you really leave your little sister that you love more than anything in the world, alone behind with the man that has abused you for over half of your life? The man, that beat his own wife to death? I don't think so." I have to work to keep my voice steady and normal, because anger rises inside me at the thought of what Marcus did.
Lizzie looks thoughtful and defeated. I don't really expect an answer from her. I mean, what are you going to say? Yes, I would leave you behind, not caring what happens, as long as I'm free? Yeah, right.
So I am quite surprised when I hear her voice. "Tris, I do know all that, but as hard as it sounds, even now, when you're here 24/7, he beats me. You can't always protect me. That is impossible and I also need to learn to protect myself. And even more, he beats me to get to you. We both know that it hurts you more to helplessly stand by when he lashes out at me than when he tortures you.
And do you really think that his aggression would be any less when you stayed in Abnegation, always near and always the miserable actress who can barely hide her hate for the faction leader? Believe me; he will be mad, no matter what you choose.
"I can't and I won't have you sacrificing your one chance to get away for something this futile. We will think of something, find a solution. And if not, I will somehow survive those three years. No matter what, I need you to leave tomorrow. When we meet up tonight with Toby we will brainstorm and form a plan, alright?"
Right, our meeting with our big brother. I had almost forgotten about that. Not that today was Thursday, but the last time he promised to meet us at our usual spot the night before choosing ceremony. I guess he had a feeling how tough the decision was going to be for me. I loved his caring nature and his protectiveness of us, even when he can't be there for us on a daily basis. I've always enjoyed our regular meetings. They gave me the feeling that everything was right, when we sat there and talked about everything and nothing in playful banter.
"Tris! – Hey! Come on!" Liz' voice breaks me out of my reverie. I look up and realize that we have arrived at school. Oh joy.