My dears, I'm so, so sorry for making you wait this long for a new chapter! Life got in the way and all, and I'm not promising you that updates will get regular now. I'm in the middle of the semster and we`re having mid-term exams.
I've got to give huge thank yous to Lynda, my dear beta; to Hotarubia for simply being awesome and motivating me to update (even if you're not aware of this...) and all the guys who reviewed, followed and favorited this story. It means a lot and made me hang on onto this story. So thanks a lot!
A little resume what happened last: Tris went to meet with Evelyn and planned the infiltration of all the factions by factionless and the establishement of a factionless-network of sorts.
Now, I made a little time jump to Liz' aptitude test. Enjoy!
LIZ POV
THREE YEARS LATER
Today is the day. Today is the day I'm going to take my aptitude test. Today is my last day in this hellhole with my 'dad'. And today is the third anniversary of my sister's fateful decision; to protect me at the cost of her own happiness, her own life…
I still remember that day, how she lay there in her bed, totally devastated and weak and somewhat broken, but she had so much strength in her and love. Her love is so strong that it sometimes breaks my heart thinking of how much she loves us until she is willing to give up her own happiness and dreams just to make Tobias and I happy.
It was the last day she lived here and the first day of a new Tris, a fiercer, stronger, but also colder version of herself.
I still see her from time to time. I go by her house every day and sometimes, I step in and have dinner with her. I really enjoy those moments, when I manage to catch a glimpse of the old her, of my dear, dear big sister. Then we talk about everything and nothing. I tell her about my crush- Dave from Dauntless.
We actually managed to build up some kind of relationship. It is still forbidden for people from different factions to fraternize with each other; so we try to be careful. He is a great guy and he actually knows my brother. Well... somewhat fears him, to be correct.
Tobias doesn't know anything about Dave and I intend to keep it that way. I have no idea how he'd react. We also still meet on occasion, though maybe not as frequent as before. He is a dauntless leader now, so he needs to be more responsible. And I also really can't afford to get caught. Marcus is creepily nice to me and he hasn't lain a finger on me even once in the past three years, but that doesn't make me feel better at all; because that only means that he's taking all his anger out on my sister. And I really don't want to make it worse.
Back to Dave, we talk a lot during class; sending letters to each other. He is a funny guy and I like the way he treats me. To him, I'm not the little girl that needs protection- or the punching bag. To him, I'm just Liz, who may be the little sister to a dauntless prodigy and from Abnegation; but still, it's just Liz. He even offered to take me to Dauntless, and I was really curious, but I couldn't really go there undetected. In fact, if Tobias ever finds out, well… I'd just rather him not finding out. Dave wasn't offended when I rejected his offer. He understands that being caught by Tobias is as equal as throwing myself in a chasm. I've always wondered how does this legendary chasm looks like. Both Tobias and Dave always talks about it… But even though I confide a lot in Dave on things I prefer to not tell Tobias or Tris, he doesn't really know about my father. I prefer to not talk about it. It is not because I do not trust him enough. I do trust him a lot. It is just that I prefer to not dwell in the topic. Though if the subject ever comes up, I'd tell him.
And with those thoughts of Dave and my family, I head to school with mixed feelings in my gut. Now, I can have a small idea of how my sister must have felt three years ago. I really don't want to leave her alone, but I also have a feeling that staying here won't make anything any better for her. But yet it feels wrong to just leave her after everything she sacrificed for me.
Funny enough, I'm not scared or nervous at all about the aptitude test. My siblings told me enough about it and even if it told me I'm Candor, I'd still only choose between Abnegation and Dauntless. And I know about Divergence. And with both my siblings being exactly that, I'm probably one as well. However, they both emphasized how important it is to hide it and even tried to teach me how to handle it. But acting as if I'm not aware in a simulation is probably easier said than done, especially if I've never been in a simulation at all. Well, I'll do my best. I have to.
And with that I enter the school. In the morning, I still have classes as usual. It's strange. It's our last day of school, but they still conduct classes like every other day. Well, to the Erudite that's probably not a good enough reason to stop learning or something.
The corridors are filled with shades of yellow, red, blue, white and grey. No pure black in sight. Apparently, the Dauntless haven't arrived yet. I sigh and go to the next window. I'm usually standing there, watching the Dauntless arrive, and searching for Dave. It's fascinating to watch them jumping on and off the trains. It still hasn't lost its fascination for me- even after all these years. And suddenly, I'm imagining myself being on the trains, wearing black, being loud and selfish. It shouldn't come as such a surprise to me that I can actually imagine that. Since both of my siblings left the house, I had to grow up. Even though Marcus didn't and doesn't hurt me anymore, he still isn't exactly a caring father, so I have always been on my own. I won't complain because it made me independent; along with watching my sister recede into herself and becoming who she is now. I have no idea what's really going on with her because she would never tell me, but I know that nothing is right for her right now. She is working all the time. She actually managed to open that factionless care center she dreamt about. I still have no idea how she convinced Marcus. Still, it is there now and she spends nearly every second of every day there. Well, every second whenever she is not working for Marcus. Tris has gained quite some reputation among the other factions, I guess. As a personal assistant to Marcus, she travels with him to all the factions and also alone, on occasion. And as head of the care center, she has business with all the faction leaders. People know her and Abnegation should be glad to have her. She is known as the most selfless of all the Abnegation and not even the Erudite question her motives and actions. There have been fewer false reports and bad rumors on Abnegation of late, and I guess that that's because of Tris.
Lost in thoughts like that, I nearly miss the arrival of the Dauntless. I'm alerted by all the noise they cause. Whooping and hollering as they jump out of their cars and run towards the school building. I immediately spot Dave amongst them; he always stands out to me.
Suddenly, my mood is lifted and I have a smile pasted onto my face. Even from far away, the freedom they live in affects me. I know that this is the life I want to live. Free and without a care about the world. Though I know that I won't ever be living without caring for something. Not with the childhood I have had. But I still could be free. With that on my mind, I'm on my way to class.
The morning passes fast and before I can even blink, it is already midday and the aptitude tests are starting. Dave is called before me and I wish him a silent good luck from my side of the room. He winks at me and goes in. Always the confident dauntless. I smile to myself.
Then, I focus on myself and think about what I should do, once I'm in the testing room. Both Tris and Toby told me that a certain dauntless woman with the name Tori should be safe, but the chances that I get her are really small.
And really, once I'm called I'm lead into a room that contained a blue clad man from Erudite. Great, just my luck. I have to decide, based on the ideals of which faction I want to act, and based on the morning that I've had, I choose dauntless. So I step inside with confidence in my step, just like I have seen Dave do it. I try to act and think like a Dauntless would.
In the simulation, I recognize the scenario that Tris and Toby talked about. I also immediately notice that I'm very much aware. So I stride confidently towards the knife and pick it up, already in expectation of the dog. It feels wrong to just stab it and let it die, but I also know that I have to do that; I can't display any Abnegation or any other factions responses. That will get me killed. The scene shifts and I'm in the front of the school in a circle of people that bully an Abnegation girl. That is a scene that neither Toby, nor Tris talked about. I'm thrown off for a moment and force myself to think. What would a Dauntless do? Then I remember: "We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another." So I follow the instinct that I've had anyway and go to the middle of the circle. I stand up in front of the girl and yell at the bullies to stop it and to leave her alone. I call them out that it is cowardice to pick on the Abnegation, since they won't ever stand up for themselves. I feel a rush of bravery and elation. It's a good feeling to stand up for someone!
The scene shifts again and I'm on a bus. Well, that's familiar again. I get through that quickly enough and suddenly sit up in the testing room again. The man looks at me for a while and I'm beginning to fear that I've somehow slipped up and have made myself known as Divergent. But suddenly he looks away and just says: "Well, look at that. You truly are a Dauntless. There is no doubt about your test result. You may go now. Have a nice evening."
Relieved, I thank him and make a quick exit. On my way back to the Abnegation table, I pass Dave and give him a secret thumbs up. He returns the gesture and we smile at each other for a moment, before I proceed to my own table. As soon as I'm engulfed in the gray again, the guilt begins to creep in again. Yes, I'd love to go to Dauntless, I know that I'd fit in there quite well and I'd love the freedom. But, I also can't let Tris alone here with her suffering. What kind of a sister would I be if I just abandon her after everything she's done? This thought goes round and round in my head and I just can't find a solution.
This afternoon, I'm meeting up with Tris again and maybe I can talk to her about it. I used to tell her everything, but recently that has stopped. I really don't want to burden her with my problems on top of her own. But this is an issue that concerns both her and me. I know what she'll tell me even now, probably the same things I told her three years ago. Plus, we're meeting up at the factionless center. And Toby will be there for a 'meeting' with Tris. We arranged it that way and I'm really looking forward to that.
So I'm waiting impatiently for the end of the tests to come, when we're finally free to leave.
I count the seconds and secretly watch the Dauntless, or Dave, out of the corner of my eye. I seem to never get tired of that. If I went to Dauntless, maybe we could have more than this friendship we share right now.
When the bell rings, I have to stop myself from running outside to get to Tris faster. I don't head to the bus stop, but rather walk to clear my head. And I'm faster that way. Most factionless know me, either from my years of volunteering, or from being Tris' little sister. I know most of them as well and smile at them as I walk by. Sometimes, I'd stop to talk to them, but not today.
The factionless center is located in an old warehouse and sticks out like a sore thumb amogst all the ruins in this sector. It is renovated and painted in green. It stands for hope and well-being. All the work there was done by the factionless themselves and it was wonderful to watch them work. They didn't get paid for it, but they did it anyway, because it was for them. They are a community. They are not exactly a faction, but a community nevertheless. They help each other and work together. I walk through the door and head right upstairs towards Tris' office. I'm a bit early, but I decide to just wait there. And as I walk in and spot Toby, I'm very happy with my decision! I feel like a little girl again, when I run towards him and jump into his arms. I hug him and breathe in his smell and I immediately feel at home and secure.
We sit down and catch up and all too soon, we brush the theme of Choosing Ceremony tomorrow. He asks me what I'm going to choose and just like that, I let all the pent up anxiety out and tell him of my conflict. He listens patiently, even when I'm talking in circles and seemingly don't make any sense at all. He just sits there, listens and strokes my back occasionally.
When I'm ready, he is quiet for a moment. Then he looks at me and gives me his advice. "Liz, believe me, I know exactly how you feel. We are a peculiar family with a quite dangerous mixture of Abnegation and Dauntless in our blood. We'd all give our lives gladly if that means our loved ones are safe. In this case, it was Tris who sacrificed herself. And don't think for a moment, that I don't feel guilty every day, that it wasn't me. But if it was me, I'd want the two of you to live your lives to the fullest and not let my sacrifice go to waste. I know that you feel morally obligated to stay with Tris, but that wouldn't make anything any better for her. Marcus would still abuse and use her and he'd still have leverage on her. With you here, she'll never dare to stand up for herself. There's just too much on the line. Trust me; you'd make her really happy if you chose Dauntless. And ultimately, your happiness is the only thing that will make Tris feel like what she did made sense. It's your way to repay her.
Plus, there is something going on in the factions. Tris won't tell me what it is, but it has something to do with Erudite, Dauntless and Abnegation. I'm a Dauntless leader now, but that doesn't mean that I know everything that's going on. But fact is that Dauntless is stronger than Abnegation, so you would be safer there.
That's all the advice I can give you. Talk to Tris, if you want, but she'll tell you the same thing. Ultimately, it's your decision. I'll be there for you, when you come to Dauntless, but you're free to choose whatever you like."
I'm overcome by my desire to hug him, so I climb onto his lap and just hug him and relish the feeling of belonging, until Tris finally comes.
She joins in on our hug and for the moment it's only the three of us.
After we part, we talk about everything and nothing, just like siblings are supposed to. Tris and Toby also have some business to conduct, where I just sit by and observe the two of them.
When talking about faction business, Tobias slips in to his other persona; the 'Four' who Dave is so afraid of. He sits more upright and his face is void of any emotion. He looks fierce and intimidating. I guess, now I know why Dave fears him. But not me, I would never fear my big brother. But I also notice a spark in his eye when he looks at Tris. I know that he is concerned for her, but that seems different. Stronger. I have no idea what it is about, but I'd love to find out.
Tris behaves just as she usually does. She gets things done efficiently and without much emotions involved. It's strange; observing the two of them like that. They behave as if they didn't know each other at all. But that's probably what they have to do when they meet more publically. They're not supposed to be a family anymore. Faction before blood. There are so many ways in which this is wrong.
They don't take long and when they're done, Toby already has to leave. We hug one last time and then Tris and I silently watch as he strides out of the room, with the same confidence as Dave. No one would guess that Toby came all the way from Dauntless if they saw him now.
Then I turn around to Tris and see her watching me. "So, what are you going to do first, when you get to Dauntless?" She asks me with a knowing smile. I look at her confused and am ready to disagree when she speaks up again. "Yes, I know. You want to stay here for me; you won't abandon me and all. I know, Liz. I was tortured by the same thoughts three years ago. But I made my decision, so you could life a happy life, where nothing can hold you back and where you could find everything you ever searched for. I made my decision, and I don't regret it at all, because it means that you are free and unharmed. Don't let it go to waste. I saw the longing in your eyes, when Tobias went. You want to go with him, and that's exactly what you should do. Follow your dreams.
And you tested Dauntless. Great job, by the way. You'd make yourself suspicious if you stayed here. Please, you need to leave. We'll still see each other. I'm in Dauntless compound often enough and Marcus can't hold me back from visiting you on visiting day.
Please! You'll be safe there and Toby will protect you, until you can protect yourself. Please."
At the end, she sounds quite desperate and for a moment I don't know what to say.
"Wait, how do you know what I tested? And what do you mean by 'safe'? You can't tell me that Dauntless is any safer than Abnegation. ABNEGATION. Here no one even dares to give someone a glare. Well, aside from Marcus, anyway."
"Oh come on, I have contacts everywhere. The factionless do hold me in high regard and they are really good at finding out stuff. And I can't really tell you, but you know that saying that barking dogs don't bite? Well, Erudite has been awfully quiet over the last years, but I'm pretty sure that their plans to overthrow Abnegation didn't just vanish into thin air. Not with Jeanine still there." She gives me a look and when she registers my expression of confusion and shock, she looks a bit guilty.
"Look, you don't have to worry. So far there is no danger in Dauntless. In fact, you could at least learn how to defend yourself, should that ever be necessary." She comforts me.
"Tris, how much are you not telling me or Toby for that matter? I'm not the little girl anymore you left three years ago. Tris, I grew up. I have seen how unfair the world can be. You don't need to constantly protect me. You've done enough for Toby and me. Let us be there for you, to lighten your burden. We won't break under its weight. I promise."
A look of pain and deep sadness crosses her face.
"Liz, I will always protect you and you'll probably always be my baby sister. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. I'll tell you one day. That, I promise you. But right now, it is best if I do not talk or even think about it. In fact Liz, whether or not you'll stay here can't affect my situation. What, however, has an effect on me is whether or not you're really and truly happy.
So you'll lighten my burden if you think really hard about where you'll be most happy and go there. I don't care if you go to Amity or Erudite, as long as you're happy. Will you do that for me?"
I look into her pleading eyes and see wisdom beyond her years. I wonder what her eyes have seen to make the look that haunted and sad. In the end, I promise her to do what'll make me happy. How could I deny her that wish?
We spend the rest of the day together and have dinner at her house. Then I make my way over to the house that I've lived in the past sixteen years. It contains many happy and many bad memories and I wonder if I'll miss it when I'm gone, wherever that might be.
Marcus is home and sits at the kitchen table. He also had dinner already and the dishes are still on the table. I greet him and make my way over to him, in order to grab the dishes and clean them. That's still my job. He greets me back and we make a bit small talk. He asks me about my aptitude test and for a moment I'm scared. I still remember what happened three years ago with Tris. But I just tell him that it was fine and that I'm still thinking about my decision. He simply nods and goes back to reading some papers.
I let out a relieved breath and head up the stairs. Before I go to my own room, I step into Tris' and Toby's rooms. They are empty and bare. Marcus had me cleaning them out one weekend two years ago.
I still sit on Toby's bed where so many horrible things have happened. I'm hit by a huge wave of gratefulness for everything Tris did for me. I can't even imagine going through what she had to. Tears come to my eyes as I recall the picture of her, lying here, covered in blood. I shiver and quickly get up.
I take a shower and try to wash the lingering feeling of guilt and sorrow in me. I have made my decision. Tomorrow, when I cut my hand, I will choose Dauntless. And then, I will find a way to free Tris. I will find a way for her to be with us, to be able to heal. I owe her that; that and so much more. I couldn't be of any help here, stuck in Abnegation, but nothing will stop me from finding a way, once I'm in Dauntless.
Sooooo, what do you think? Tell me, please.
And thanks for all of you who still stick with me and this story. It means a lot!
Many greetings!