Chapter 2

A pile of unpaid bills awaited Utena in her letterbox when she arrived home from university that evening. She sighed and tossed them unopened into a drawer. Utena's aunt had died last year after a short illness. She'd left her money in trust for Utena, but until she turned twenty Utena couldn't access the money herself. Every time she wanted something, she had to justify the cost to her aunt's lawyer, who seemed to think eighteen year old girls could live on air and fresh sunshine alone.

Utena had been with her aunt when she died. Right at the end, she'd taken Utena's hand in a weak grip and whispered, "Have courage, Utena. I know…everything." Utena still pondered those words. Such a grand statement to make. Yet she'd said it so quietly, so matter-of-factly. What had she meant by everything? The craziness of Utena's past? Something that was still to come in the future? And why would she need courage for it?

Since starting university Utena's life had become almost absurdly spare. On her limited funds, she rented a small apartment and attended a small humble university in an even smaller and more humble town. She lived simply. She got on with her studies. She worked hard at her personal fitness. She had only the vaguest ideas of what she would do in the future. The old Utena, perhaps, would have dreamt of the Olympics or something equally grand, but Utena wasn't like that anymore. She thought of working in a gym, or maybe becoming a personal trainer or a coach. She loved sports, she enjoyed her studies. But when she thought of the future she often found she didn't care very much.

It seemed like a flat and lifeless country to her, nothing like the future she'd once imagined for herself as the world's fairytale hero. But back then, her dreams were being manipulated by a sadistic prince who was something more and less than human. So of course how could anything that the real world had to offer compare?

It left a bitter taste in Utena's mouth whenever she thought about it.

She reached into her pocket and drew out a crumpled piece of paper. Placing it on the bench before her, she smoothed it thoughtfully beneath her hands. Himemiya's telephone number. Himemiya.

It was crazy, but Utena wanted to call her. Tonight was Friday, and the forthcoming weekend seemed to stretch before her vast and lonely. As brief as Utena's contact with Anthy had been, it reminded her of what it felt like to have a friend, to not be alone.

That was a dangerous memory to have.

How did Anthy pay for her room, Utena wondered. How had she paid for her university fees? It had been difficult enough for Utena to get the money for hers out of the tight-fisted lawyer.

Perhaps Akio…But surely he wouldn't have made it easy for her to leave…?

Utena sighed and went to have a shower. She didn't sleep well that night.

Her phone rang at one p.m. the next day. When she answered, she was surprised to hear Anthy's voice.

"How did you get my number?" she asked, somewhat suspiciously.

"Ah – I asked one of your team-mates from basketball. I told her we were old school friends and I'd been meaning to ask you for your number, but forgot. I know I gave you my number, but…it was obvious you weren't going to call me."

"If you know I don't want to speak to you, why did you go to such lengths to get my number and call me?"

"I wanted to ask you something."

"Yes?" Utena let the suspicion in her voice show.

"You have a thing in this world called the cinema. I've never been to one. As I understand it, it's something friends do together. And…I've been a little short on those these last four years."

"Wait – you're calling to ask me to go to the movies?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's…After everything we've done, doesn't it surely seem a little prosaic?"

"Not at all," said Anthy's calm voice on the other end.

"Why not?"

"Because I've never been to the movies with a friend. Maybe it's something that people here do all the time. But I never have. So it's not prosaic at all."

"But you stabbed me Himemiya!"

"Why do you keep bringing that up?"

"It's not the sort of thing you can just forget about. You can't just…go to the movies and think everything is okay."

"Utena, I'm trying to start again. With you. I want things to be different this time. Not tainted. Not messed up. But that's not going to happen if you can't let go of the past. I understand if you can't, I really do, but maybe in that case…"

Anthy's voice faded into silence on the other end of the line. Utena waited, not trusting herself to speak, still not sure she wasn't being played.

"Look Himemiya," she said finally, "it's not just a matter of forgive and forget. It's not that simple. We have to actually talk about what happened. All of it. We have to be sure we understand each other. There's not a solid foundation otherwise. You can't just sweep it under the rug and pretend like it never happened."

"I don't know Utena. I'm not good at talking about…some things. I don't have the words."

"Then maybe it's time you found them."

A faint chattering came through the phone. Anthy clarified, "that was Chu-Chu. He says he's forgiven you for being so rude the other day and would like to go on that picnic you mentioned."

"How very convenient."

It wasn't lost on Utena that Anthy had just changed the subject.

"He misses you Utena. We both do. Let's meet up tomorrow. Even if it's just for a couple of hours."

Utena sighed. "Okay, I'll agree. But on one condition. When we go out tomorrow, any question that I ask, you have to answer. Truthfully. No matter how much you think the answer will hurt."

"Yes, I owe you that," Anthy replied quietly.

"Well." Utena huffed uncomfortably. "Tomorrow then, I guess? I have a car of sorts; I can pick you up. We could have a picnic and then go to the movies afterwards."

"All right. Midday?"

"Midday. Bye."

As she hung up the phone, Utena tried to shake the feeling she'd just agreed to enter the duelling arena again. A quick look at the weather forecast informed her that it might rain tomorrow. Good. If that happened, they could call the whole thing off. Utena wouldn't have to see her. She could keep her questions to herself, and not worry about what she might do once she finally had the answers.

Sunday was indeed overcast, but the rain seemed to be holding off. Utena showered and dressed and ignored the nervous fluttering in her stomach, and at the appointed time went down to her car, half hoping it wouldn't start.

But with a loud grumble the engine roared into life, and with a quick glance at the address she'd scribbled down, Utena set off.

Apparently Anthy lived on a quiet suburban street full of homes that mostly belonged to young families. Utena was surprised when a woman who looked to be in her mid-twenties accompanied Anthy out the front door.

She approached the car, smiling. "Ah, so you're Anthy's friend. It's good to meet you! She doesn't say anything, but I know Anthy has been a bit lonely since she moved here. I was so relieved when she told me she'd run into an old school friend."

"Just one of those lucky coincidences I guess." Utena's answering smile was tight. Who was this woman? Why did she care so much about Anthy? Several disquieting scenarios flitted through her head, all of them unlikely but none totally impossible, given what she knew Anthy could do.

Meanwhile, Anthy had quietly settled herself into the passenger seat of Utena's car without a word. Excited little Chu's were coming from under her blouse, and she absentmindedly reached up to pet the quivering lump on her shoulder.

"Hush," she murmured. "Utena needs to concentrate on driving."

"Uh well, I guess we'd better get going," Utena said to the strange woman. "Have a pleasant afternoon!"

She drove off in a nervous screech of wheels, causing curtains to twitch in several of the neighbouring houses.

They'd been driving for a few minutes before Utena ventured the question. "So um, who was that?"

"My landlady. She teaches at the local primary school and rents a room out in her house, which I'm currently occupying."

Uneasily, Utena glanced across at her passenger. Anthy was sitting stiffly, her eyes opaque as she stared straight ahead.

"Sorry," said Utena. "I thought maybe—"

"I know what you thought."

"She just seemed so…enthused."

"She's been kind to me. She's a kind person."

"How did you meet her?"

"I answered an ad in the paper. There's a bus on the main street that goes to the university, and a small shopping complex on the corner there."

Anthy pointed it out as they passed.

"Huh. Was that a tea emporium I saw?"

"Yes. Actually … They have the best selection for miles around. Tipped this place in my favour when I was looking. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it; it's pretty well known."

"Well," Utena said quietly, "I don't drink tea anymore."

"Oh…I guess…that makes sense. I shouldn't have brought it up. Sorry."

Chu-Chu chattered to fill the awkward silence that bloomed.

"So…I was thinking we could go to the beach for this picnic."

"The beach?" Anthy's tight shoulders eased just a little.

"Yeah. It's about a forty minute drive. That okay?"

"Is it a nice beach?"

"Would I take you to one that wasn't?"

"No, you wouldn't."

Utena's heart pounded in her chest at the soft smile Anthy gave her, and she quickly looked back to the road.

They drove mostly in silence the rest of the way. When they got to the beach, it wasn't crowded. The water was too cold for swimming this time of year, and the clouds overhead were steadily growing darker. Maybe coming here hadn't been such a great idea, but Anthy didn't seem to mind. They found a secluded cove sheltered from the wind with an overhang above them that almost made a cave, and watched in silence as the restless breakers rolled into shore.

As soon as they were settled, Chu-Chu dove happily into the pre-packed lunches, making Utena smile. Gently, she patted him on the head.

"Hey, Chu-Chu, sorry for the other day. You've forgiven me now, right?"

"Chu-Chu!" Chu-Chu confirmed, nodding vigorously even as he kept stuffing food into his mouth.

"Ah, that's a relief. It would be awkward if we couldn't be friends."

Utena was surprised at how happy she felt to be here with Anthy and Chu-Chu. All her anger and resentment seemed to have melted away to nothing, no longer important in this new chapter of her life. But it wasn't good, how easily she was falling. She thought she'd learned to guard her heart better than this; she'd sworn she'd never find herself back here again.

She glanced up to find Anthy watching her with sunlight and shadows chasing each other through her eyes. Her hair was flying free in the wind, and she hugged herself a little as a cold gust made its way into their shelter.

"That was the first time I knew you were different, you know," Anthy said softly. "When you were kind to Chu-Chu. I should have realised back then how special you were."

Utena snorted. "Deluded more like."

"Inexperienced. Not deluded."

"Yeah, maybe."

It was a little unnerving, having Anthy watch her like this. What on earth was she looking for?

"You said," Utena's voice had gone a little hoarse. "That you'd answer my questions today. Is that still okay?"

Anthy nodded. "Ask anything you like."

"What was happening at Otahri when you left? Was everyone okay?"

"Everyone was fine. Things had gone back to being much the same. But I left right after you did, Utena, and I haven't heard anything since then. Four years is a long time. Anything could be happening there now."

"But how did you survive? What happened after the swords? When I woke up and found myself here, I thought…Well, I thought I'd failed." Utena gave an uncomfortable laugh, only now letting herself feel the full bitterness of that imagined failure in her mouth.

"You didn't fail. You revolutionised the world and set me free. But Akio was too blind to see it. He thought nothing had changed, and that it would all go on as before. He was already making plans to start up the duels again. But I was awake and alive and I wanted more than anything to find you. So I left."

"But what about money? How have you survived here? Surely Akio didn't just let you go."

"I always had my own money. That was never how Akio controlled me."

"Yes but once you'd decided to leave, didn't he try to stop you? He was your legal guardian. He could have taken your money away, sent the police after you, done anything."

"There would have been no point. His control over me was broken, and he knew it. Even if he'd taken everything and locked me up, I still would have belonged to myself more than I have in a long, long time. Every time he saw me it would have been a reminder of his failure. That's why he let me go."

"I still can't," Utena's voice was shaking, "Stand to think about what he did to you. You were in so much pain, and I didn't even notice. What an idiot I was."

"I hid it from you, Utena. I didn't want you to know what I truly was. I wanted to be the person you thought I was."

"Yeah, I was dumb about that too. I didn't get you were just playing along with whatever I wanted, being the perfect Bride."

"It started out that way, but after a while…I started to like the person you imagined me to be a lot more than the person I really was. And it used to terrify me to think of what would happen when you found out the truth. I knew how you would look at me, and…I never wanted to see that hatred in your eyes."

"I never hated you, Himemiya. It hurt, what you did, but I didn't hate you for it. These last four years, what hurt more was thinking about you still being with him. I figured that was the most likely outcome."

Yes, that was really the thing that hurt. Knowing both of them had chosen each other over her. Knowing she'd never really mattered except as a pawn in their game. Knowing that everything from Anthy's friendship to Akio's seduction had been a lie designed to make her give up herself.

"Utena," Utena stiffened a little as Anthy leaned up against her, but didn't push her away. "I'm not with Akio anymore. I'll never be with him again. It's finished."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I was scared at first," Anthy admitted. "But now…I guess I'm trying to learn how to be happy."

"Were you and Akio always…Involved?"

"No. That didn't happen until after he changed."

"Did he force you?"

"Did he force you?" Anthy returned.

"You know…I've asked myself that a lot these last four years. At the time, I didn't even understand what had happened. But I can see now I wasn't ready. I was scared. He knew that. And…He used his charm and his power and his wit to make me his anyway and he didn't really care if I wanted it or not. The way he did it was so clever he didn't have to use brute force. I censored myself to please him."

"Well then," said Anthy softly. "You already have your answer." With a sigh, she pulled herself away. "If there's just one thing I could change about the past, it would be that. To have not sent you to him when he asked it of me."

"If there's one thing I could change," said Utena, "I wouldn't have gone with him. Not just because of what he turned out to be, but because even though I didn't fully understand why, I knew it would hurt you. The whole time I was with him, you were the one I was thinking about."

She drew Anthy back to her, wishing with an ache in her heart that things could have turned out differently; that it could have been Anthy she'd been with that night instead of Akio; that Akio hadn't even been a shadow on the horizon. But that wasn't how things worked in Ohtori. Rose Brides didn't get to choose, and as innocent as she was back then, even Utena had dimly perceived that, and known it meant that nothing could happen between them.

"All the victors…You slept with them, didn't you…If they wanted it…"

Anthy's voice was tired. "You already know the answer to that, Utena. The first night in our dorm, I tried to make you claim me as your Bride. Those were the rules of the game, but you pretended not to understand. Others were not so shy. I think it gave Akio some kind of thrill to send me off to other lovers, knowing I was really his when they were touching me, wanting me to be theirs."

"That's so fucked up."

"It was part of being the Rose Bride. It was part of my identity. Inasmuch as it was that, it was important to me because being the Rose Bride was all I knew how to be, and if I was desired then I was succeeding at the only thing I could do."

"But giving yourself up like that to whoever won you, whenever they wanted you, however they wanted you…I can't believe…It must have been…"

"Torture. Yes, it was. Every time it happened. And that was when I would slip away, hide myself deep inside my coffin where no one could find me. And it never mattered, because I was only a cipher onto which they could project their own fantasies. It never mattered whether I was there or not. They never noticed when I was gone. No one did, until you."

Utena remembered how it had felt, the first time she'd touched Anthy's hand, reaching into the hellish depths of her coffin and begging her to try. Barely more than a brush of fingertips not meant to last. They'd both deserved so much more.

"Looks like it's starting to rain," Anthy observed.

"Yeah," Utena agreed, watching the grey curtain of water falling just beyond the lip of their somewhat inadequate cave. Somehow, Anthy had ended up wound tightly into her arms, soft hair tickling Utena's cheek, her dusky skin warming Utena wherever they touched.

As antithetical as it was to Anthy's prior position, it must have cost her a lot to be this open, especially if she feared some of the answers she gave might make Utena turn away from her forever. It must have cost her to show her feelings, even in the face of Utena's reluctance. It went against every strategy of self-preservation she'd been forced to learn.

Maybe Utena had been selfish to make her dredge up all that pain again.

"Thank you for today," she whispered. "I know this was hard for you. It means a lot to me that you were willing to do it, even though you didn't want to."

"Thank you for giving me another chance. This is another chance, isn't it?"

Utena nodded, allowing herself to smile. "I guess it is. Another chance for both of us."

They waited for a break in the rain before heading back to the car.

"Are we still going to see a movie?" Anthy asked hopefully as they buckled themselves into their seats.

"We can if we go now. It's already four o'clock, and I have track tomorrow, so I'll have to get up early."

"That's fine. Do you know what's playing?"

"No idea. I forgot to check the papers."

"Well, it doesn't matter. I don't care what we see. I'm just…happy to be with you." Anthy smiled at Utena in a way that was almost shy.

Smiling back, Utena thought wonderingly, she does look happy, and it seemed incongruous that something so simple could make Anthy happy after everything she'd been through. Just having a friend. Just spending time together, doing silly things.

The cinema car park was pretty crowded when Utena pulled in, which was no surprise since there wasn't much to do on a rainy afternoon around here. Utena told Anthy she should pick the film since this had been her idea; Anthy insisted Utena would have a better idea of what they'd both like, and in the end they decided on a sci-fi action flick from Hollywood that was certainly not the most cerebral film on offer but would prove a welcome relief after what they'd spent the day discussing.

Equipped with tubs of popcorn big enough to impress even Chu-Chu, who smuggled himself into the theatre in Utena's pocket, they settled down in the dark. There were quite a few students here from the university, most of them couples, most of them snogging. Anthy seemed more interested in the film, gasping in genuine surprise when the massive robots and aliens came booming onto the screen, nearly starting out of her seat at the explosions. It was a little strange to see her so entertained.

Chu-Chu got sick at one point and Utena had to take him into the bathroom to avoid a disaster, but somehow even that made her smile. In ten years time, she thought, it was the kind of thing she and Anthy could laugh about together.

Remember the first time we went to the movies and Chu-Chu gorged himself on popcorn…

In ten years time. Looking at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, Utena wasn't sure which shocked her more. That she was beginning to imagine the future again, or that she automatically assumed Anthy would be in it.

It was about seven by the time they got out. After a patchy lunch and popcorn for dinner Utena was hungry and exhausted, but also strangely euphoric. The streetlights slid past as they drove back to Anthy's place, blurred patches of colour in the rain, and it was kind of sad to know the day was over. Utena found herself wanting to savour these last moments; the crisp smell of the air, the way that new smile lit up the depths of Anthy's eyes, how it felt to be sitting here in the car with her, warm and dry, while outside raindrops streaked down the windows.

There were lights on in Anthy's house but the teacher didn't come out to meet them. The engine idled. Utena fiddled with her hands.

"So Himemiya…Do you have classes tomorrow?"

"From ten till four."

"Ah. I've got a bunch of training early in the morning and then one class from ten till twelve."

"I have a break from twelve to one," Anthy volunteered.

"Well we could meet up for lunch. Though, the cafeteria isn't too fancy…"

"It doesn't matter. I'd like to have lunch with you."

"Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Anthy confirmed, her voice whisper soft.

Utena watched her hurry up the path to that neat suburban house, the rain darkening her hair. She was still full of mystery and allure, even in such a prosaic setting.

This was the woman who had hurt her, betrayed her, made her whole life fall apart.

And yet she was also the woman who was making Utena feel alive for the first time in years.