Chapter 3
Utena's life rearranged itself into a new pattern as if it was always meant to be. She and Anthy became tangled up in one another's lives; studying together, going out together, eating lunch and sometimes dinner together. Just like before.
Anthy started coming to Utena's sporting matches and Utena followed Anthy into the forests and gardens and green spaces she seemed to have a sixth sense for finding, and watched her collect all kinds of plants and herbs and mostly forgot everything Anthy told her about them as she harvested and prepared them with her capable brown hands.
Sticking to some unwritten rule, they never went to each other's houses. It still wasn't really clear to Utena what footing they were on, and not being in each other's private spaces made dealing with that easier.
Utena knew what would likely happen should she find herself alone with Anthy at home, and she wasn't sure she was ready for that.
After everything Anthy had endured, did Utena even have the right to ask her, to want her the way she did? Even if Anthy wanted it too? Could she have truly become so far removed from her old self that there would be no shadow of the Rose Bride and the Engagement in whatever might happen between them?
And was Utena so far removed from the Prince she had once so foolishly played? Would the old temptation surface again, to let Anthy cater to her every dream?
It was something they should have talked out, but Utena was too scared and Anthy didn't seem to be aware there was anything that needed to be said, just accepting whatever happened as it came.
So far, they hadn't even kissed.
Except for that one time, long ago.
The first night together in their dorm. In the still, small hours after midnight, Utena had woken to find Anthy in bed with her, pinning her to the mattress, kissing her with meltingly hot passion.
"I am the Rose Bride," she'd whispered, "and you are the one to whom I am engaged. This is meant to happen." Her lips had grazed Utena's throat, settled over her ear. "Make me yours."
At the time, Utena hadn't wanted to admit it, but her body throbbed with desire at that soft, husky plea, at the sweet scent of Anthy on her skin. She'd wanted to take her, maybe like all those other victors had, and it was hard, so hard, to remind herself this wasn't what she wanted.
With an effort, Utena had sat up and pushed Anthy off her, trying to hide her laboured breathing. "H-how about we just try being friends instead, okay? I'm still looking for my prince and well, I don't think Rose Brides can be princes."
Anthy's eyes had darkened then, which Utena had taken to mean she was embarrassed or upset at the rejection, but how much worse it was. How unknowingly cruel Utena had been to say that to her. No. Rose Brides could not be princes, for they were the ones the princes consumed. The ones who bore the sins of the prince so he could stay pure.
Without another word Anthy had climbed out of Utena's bed and back into her own, and until the day on the beach neither of them ever spoke of the incident again.
But all too often Utena thought of it, and what might have happened if she hadn't pushed Anthy away.
She knew it couldn't be like that next time, with Anthy offering herself when she didn't even know who she was or what she wanted. She had to learn to belong to herself first, and Utena had no idea how to measure such a thing.
Anthy watched her sometimes like she was waiting for Utena to make up her mind; waiting patiently because she already knew what Utena's decision would be, eventually.
That got a little unnerving sometimes.
Two weeks before Christmas, Utena was shocked to get a letter from Wakaba in the mail. She was living in Tokyo, apparently, learning to be a make-up artist, and the production company she was interning with were going to be filming close to Utena's town.
She wanted to come visit.
"What do you make of this?" Utena asked Anthy at lunch the next day, showing her the crumpled letter.
Anthy glanced over it, seemingly without much interest.
"Say yes if you want to see her. Do you want to see her?"
"Well…Yes. I've got no reason not to see her. But Wakaba is here in the real world. What does that mean?"
"It probably means that Ohtori is changing."
"Changing how?"
"You set me free, Utena, and you probably did the same for others as well. I doubt that Akio can control things there the way he used to. People can change, grow, leave. Just like I did. Maybe they're starting to realise that."
Adults in the real world. Was this what Utena had chosen, for everyone? She hadn't meant to decide the entire destiny of a world. All she'd wanted to do was keep her promise to save one tormented little girl.
But doing that had meant changing the world.
"Utena…" Seemingly knowing the drift of Utena's thoughts, Anthy took Utena's hand. "You did the right thing." She said softly. "Of all of us, you were the only one who acted selflessly and did the right thing. And that's why you were the only one who could save us."
"I saved everyone to become college students and make-up artists and…I don't know…Office workers?"
"No. You set people free to choose for themselves."
"Maybe. But at the time, I wasn't thinking of any of that. I wasn't thinking selflessly about the world. I was thinking about you."
"I'm glad you were." The intimacy in Anthy's voice was more suited to a bedroom than the college lunch hall.
"Would you like to see Wakaba too?" Utena didn't know why she asked. It wasn't like Anthy and Wakaba had ever been friends.
Anthy paused thoughtfully. "Yes, all right."
"Yes?" Utena looked at her quizzically.
"I don't think I'll get on with her, but…I suppose I'm curious."
That answer was as much a surprise to Anthy herself as it was to Utena. Utena could tell.
"Okay. I'll write to her. Let's see what she says."
Wakaba proved herself amenable to meeting both Utena and Anthy, though she also said she'd be so busy she might not get time to visit Utena's town after all, and would they like to come out and have lunch with her on location.
So it was a few days before Christmas Utena found herself driving with Anthy through a snowy mountain landscape, hoping that today of all days would not be the day her car finally decided to die.
The production company had booked out an entire resort for the filming. Wakaba was enthusiastic as ever, though she gave Utena and Anthy the occasional odd look as if she knew it was strange they were together but couldn't quite figure out why.
Her memories of Ohtori seemed scrambled, her understandings of Utena's sudden transfer even more so, but she was very sure about one thing that wasn't what Utena expected to hear at all.
"It's such a shame, but in the end the school had to close. Students just kept transferring away, and no one new ever enrolled. I was one of the last to leave, and the place was just so…empty. I felt like a ghost wandering round by myself."
Utena nearly dropped her lunch tray. "Ohtori is closed?"
"Mmm." Wakaba nodded decisively. "I think the chairman is still there…Didn't you used to know him? But everyone else is gone."
"Gone where?"
"Everywhere." Wakaba shrugged. "Wherever they wanted to go."
"But…" Utena met Anthy's eyes, speaking more to her than to Wakaba. "What will happen to Ohtori?"
Anthy's gaze was inscrutable.
Wakaba was the one who answered. "Who knows? It's just the times. Things change. Ahh! I'm running late; I have to get back to work. Feel free to stay as long as you like – your passes are good for the whole day!"
Once they were alone, Anthy said quietly, "Utena, we should get going. Look."
She nodded her head towards the large, expansive windows gracing the dining hall. Outside, a dark line of clouds were quickly massing on the horizon, promising snow and maybe worse.
"That doesn't look good," Utena agreed. "We don't want to get stuck here."
They'd been driving for about half an hour when the radio informed them of a blizzard warning for the whole area.
Utena frowned. "A blizzard warning? Where did that come from?"
"We'll be okay. We'll get back to town in time."
Anthy sounded sure, but very remote. Reaching out to her, Utena flicked a strand of her hair, and was rewarded with a warm gleam of green eyes.
"Hey, Himeimiya, what will happen to Ohtori? And Akio? You know, don't you?"
A few snowflakes fluttered down, and Utena switched on the wipers.
With a sigh, Anthy leaned her head against the window.
"I don't know for sure. But maybe what should have happened all those years ago when I sacrificed myself to try and save what couldn't be saved. The world was changing around us then, and I didn't want it to. I wouldn't let it. People had stopped believing in the prince, but maybe that's what was supposed to happen. Maybe he was meant to disappear."
"You mean Akio will die?"
"Ohtori and Akio and I all belong to a world that should have died out long ago. We're just…Leftover shadows of dreams. If Akio can't learn to adapt, then that's on him. I can't be responsible for his fate any longer."
"I wasn't suggesting you should be. It's just that…Despite all the terrible things that happened, if it wasn't for that world, I never would have gotten to meet you. It's weird to think of it being gone."
"I want to live in this world."
Anthy spoke so softly, Utena almost didn't hear her. She sounded terribly, terribly sad, and Utena's stomach clenched in sudden fear.
"But you can, can't you? Even if Ohtori disappears? You won't disappear?"
"No. I won't disappear. I'm part of this world now. The real world."
It may have been the real world, but it didn't quite feel like it today. Maybe it was seeing Wakaba again, or the mist that billowed down from the mountains, or the still, white world where nothing moved, where there wasn't even another car to be seen on the road.
By the time they reached the outskirts of the town, it was dark and snowing heavily. Lights flickered on and off fretfully; a harried looking policeman at a blocked intersection told them to get home and stay there.
"Maybe you'd better come stay with me till this blows over," Utena said.
She was breaking their unwritten rule, but for one, her apartment was closer right now than Anthy's house; for another, Utena knew that Anthy's landlady was away visiting her parents for Christmas, and she didn't like the thought of Anthy being alone, maybe for days, depending on how long this lasted.
"All right." Anthy agreed to the plan easily.
"I have a spare toothbrush, and I can lend you some clothes. And there's heaps of food. I've been stocking up for Christmas."
"You have plans?"
"Well, not really. I kept meaning to ask if you wanted to have Christmas dinner at my place, but…"
Utena pulled into her complex's car park and turned off the engine with a sigh of relief. Towards the end, that had been a stressful drive.
She sat for a moment and didn't finish her sentence. But there was the unwritten rule, which Utena was about to break anyway. And under far more dangerous circumstances.
"I hope we've still got power," she murmured.
"Shall we go up? Chu-Chu is hungry."
"Chu-Chu," the little marmoset agreed plaintively, from his perch on top of Anthy's head.
"Sure! I'll make us something delicious." Utena grinned to hide her discomfort, knowing Anthy probably wasn't fooled.
This complex wasn't fancy enough to have an elevator. Utena's apartment was on the third floor, and the stairwells and the corridors weren't heated. It was so cold walking up Utena could see her breath in front of her.
Thankfully, the power in her apartment was still working, so she immediately turned on the lights and the heating when they got in.
"Make yourself at home. I'll just find something for us to eat."
Despite Utena's vague motion towards the sofa, Anthy followed her into the kitchen. It was a small kitchen, far too crowded with the two of them. Utena switched the radio on for some distraction, listening to the many and varied weather experts all pondering the sudden blizzard.
"Hot coca? I um, don't have any tea."
"Cocoa is fine."
"Crap." Utena cursed as she opened her over-stuffed fridge and sent onions rolling everywhere.
"Utena." Anthy caressed her arm lightly. "You just drove through a blizzard. You're tired. Go lie down for a bit, and let me make dinner."
"Himemiya…How do I say this? Your cooking…"
"Don't worry. I've improved since then."
"Fine, fine. But no shaved ice. Way too cold for that."
Giving up possession of the kitchen, Utena went and flopped down on the sofa she'd offered Anthy a short while before. It was strange, listening to the sound of someone else in her apartment. Anthy seemed to be conducting some kind of conversation with Chu-Chu about the dinner menu; she was actually laughing.
It was a nice sound that warmed Utena's heart. But Anthy had been sad in the car coming home. What was that about? Upset over losing Akio? She'd seemed quite cold about his possibly impending death, which in Utena's opinion was no bad thing.
That's right. It was because she said she wanted to live in this world, but she said it like she knew she couldn't. Was she secretly planning to go back to Ohtori? What would be the point of that?
Should Utena ask her? Would she answer? Anthy had gotten better at that kind of thing, Utena had to admit, but there were times when she still clammed up and became unreadable. Even though it had only been about three months since Anthy had come back into her life, Utena knew more than anything she didn't want to lose her again. But if Anthy really wanted to leave, Utena couldn't stop her. No matter how much it would hurt. That was what free will meant.
But if she wanted to stay, why would she leave? It was a problem Utena was still pondering as she accidently drifted off to sleep.
She woke up a couple of hours later to a much warmer apartment filled with delicious savoury scents. A blanket had been draped over her at some point, and as she sat up rubbing sleep out of her eyes Anthy walked in with a steaming mug and sat down beside her.
"Cocoa, if you still want it."
"Thank you." Utena took the pro-offered beverage and sipped. "Mmm. It's good."
"Dinner is just about ready."
"Thanks. Sorry I fell asleep. I'm a pretty poor hostess."
Anthy giggled, and combed her fingers through Utena's tangled pink hair. "You look cute when you're sleeping."
Still a little groggy, Utena didn't resist as she otherwise might have. Instead, she found herself leaning into the touch and half wishing it would continue.
Anthy's fingers stilled in surprise.
"Don't stop. It feels good," Utena murmured.
She heard Anthy's breath hitch. Should they even be doing this? Utena didn't care anymore. They both knew it was a foregone conclusion anyway, that eventually this would happen. Slowly, Anthy's fingers began to caress her again.
Utena could hear the storm raging outside, rattling the windows. There was nothing else but the feel of Anthy touching her.
Dropping her hand, Anthy said, "dinner," her voice filled with the utmost reluctance. "It's going to burn if I don't turn the oven off."
"Yeah. That would be bad." Shaking herself out of her funk, Utena stood. "I'll come help you. It smells really good. What did you make?"
"A European style roast. Fitting for the season, don't you think?"
"And the weather. I wonder if Wakaba and the film people will be all right?"
"They'll probably get snowed in, but they seemed well prepared."
"Why a make-up artist?" Utena mused as they ate. "She was never that into make-up."
"Wakaba likes to be around people she sees as special and glamorous, but doesn't think she is glamorous herself."
"Hmm. You understand people too well sometimes. It's scary."
"I suppose I've had a lot of practice at reading people's hearts."
Anthy sounded sad again, and Utena examined her anxiously from the corner of her eye. She glanced away as Anthy caught her watching and concentrated on her food.
"This is delicious," she said. "You have improved. Remember the exploding curry? What a nightmare."
"Utena, why did you invite me here tonight?"
Just as Anthy asked, the apartment was plunged into darkness. The power, it seemed, had finally given out. Utena was about to make an excuse and start looking for candles, but Anthy was one step ahead of her. She'd already found some candles earlier and soon had them burning in mismatched holders in the centre of the table.
Outmanoeuvred, Utena gave in and met Anthy's eyes in the wavering light. "Truthfully? I didn't like the thought of you being alone. And I guess I didn't like the thought of me being alone either. It's nearly Christmas and the weather is bad and you just learned today that your old world might be dying."
"I already knew that could be a consequence of me leaving. I left anyway."
"You didn't tell me that before."
"It was my decision to make."
"Will you go back there now?"
"Is that what you're worried about?"
"I don't know. Maybe. This world doesn't really compare…"
"Do you want to go back there, Utena?" Anthy asked quietly. "Because I can make that happen."
Utena looked up sharply. "No, I—No."
"You're lying." Anthy said it matter-of-factly, not angrily.
"What would be the point of going back there?" Utena said, because she really didn't know, was baffled by her own desire, which, as usual, Anthy had recognised before she herself did.
Anthy just returned the question. "What would be the point, for you Utena?"
Trying to put her nebulous feelings into words, Utena said, "It's where everything began. If it's going to end…Don't you think we should be there? As witnesses?"
"You want to see the world end? I've seen that before, Utena. It's not pretty."
"I know that. I've seen it too. I've felt what the end of the world means."
"Akio will be there," Anthy said. "Can you see him again?"
"Can you?"
Rising from the table, Anthy walked over to the window. She stood with her back to Utena, her posture tense. "This is pointless. If you want to go, I'll take you. Just…give me tonight. With you."
Utena's eyebrows rose. "I have to spend the night with you or you won't take me to Ohtori?"
"No." Anthy turned suddenly, eyes blazing. "I'd never ask something like that. Either way I'll take you. But…I want you Utena. You want me. I want it to be tonight. If you don't, then you don't."
Utena found her mouth had suddenly gone dry. Passionate, fiery Anthy? Where had that come from?
"I want to Himemiya," she whispered, letting Anthy hear the longing in her voice. "But I don't trust my own judgement. I'm afraid that I'm just doing what I want and justifying it as the best thing. Even if this is the last thing you should be doing with me."
"Why should I not?"
"You're just learning how to be free. Being with another…Someone you were once bound to obey…Is that really going to help you?"
"Akio was the only one I was ever really bound to. I obeyed the victors because I was obeying him. If he wanted me to betray them, I did. You know this."
"But that night in the dorm, I wanted you." Utena lowered her eyes, a shameful blush staining her cheeks. "I knew how wrong it was, and I still wanted you."
"And that's why I know I can trust you." Abandoning her watch by the window, Anthy moved to where Utena was still sitting and wrapped an arm around her, using her other hand to tilt her head up until their eyes met. "Because you knew I had no choice, and you denied yourself rather than hurt me. You've already proven yourself when it mattered."
"Himemiya…"
"Just kiss me already. Please."
It was almost a broken sob.
Utena rose, and she was trembling. Anthy's arm tightened around her waist, her eyes the darkest shade of green Utena had ever seen them. Her hand was warm against Utena's cheek.
Tentatively, Utena kissed her. She felt Anthy's hand slide into her hair, tangling into her long pink tresses. The kiss deepened, Anthy's mouth opening hungrily against hers, and Utena moaned as something broke free inside her.
All that desire she'd kept wrapped up tightly, fearing for Anthy, fearing for herself.
She finally let herself feel it, finally allowed herself to admit how much she wanted this.
They abandoned the dirty dishes without a thought, almost forgot to take the candles with them, though they didn't do much anyway besides accentuate the darkness in Utena's room, just a few tiny points of light whose glow barely reached them.
Utena remembered to close the door to keep in what warmth there was. The temperature was dropping but it didn't seem to matter. Beneath the covers, Anthy's body was hot against hers, her hands were touching Utena everywhere and Utena's were just as eager.
Anthy's lips followed her hands, trailing fire over Utena's skin; Utena gasped and arched under that too skilful enticement and let the silken tresses of Anthy's hair fall through her fingers.
When Anthy touched her, fingers exploring her to her core, Utena could only shudder and bury her head in Anthy's shoulder, breathing in the scent of her, hands clenching on the smooth skin of Anthy's back.
It felt so good she didn't want it to stop, but somewhere in the back of her mind floated a vague sense of selfishness, to be the only one being pleasured like this. "Himemiya," she whispered, rolling them onto their sides, "let me…"
"Soon," Anthy promised, her lips searing Utena's with kisses; her hand moved more insistently between them, asking Utena to follow. Utena made a strangled noise in the back of her throat and hooked a leg around Anthy's waist, twining them even more closely together, all thought of anything but this evaporating.
This was Anthy as she'd never seen her before, free, intense, her breathing just as ragged as Utena's, as if just touching Utena was enough to make her come undone. Utena clung to Anthy and trusted her, with her body, with her heart, didn't try to hold back her cries when they came as her pleasure crested and rocked her with the power of a storm.
Anthy's hands steadied her afterwards, slowly stroking through Utena's hair, but Utena was nowhere near done yet. With tremors still running through her body she kissed Anthy, kissed her again.
"I want to taste you," she murmured into Anthy's ear, pressing her to the mattress, but gently, because honestly, Utena was a little scared right now. "I-Is that okay?"
She looked down at Anthy, seeking permission, painfully aware of all those previous occasions when no one had ever bothered to ask her.
Eyes huge in the near-darkness, Anthy nodded, drawing Utena to her, gasping as Utena ran her mouth down the side her neck. In a slow progression that made Anthy move restlessly beneath her Utena continued, savouring with consideration each new place she found.
Her stomach tightened with mingled nervousness and desire as she settled between Anthy's legs, her tongue sliding over skin soft as velvet, her fingers exploring to find sticky wetness. With a needy sound Anthy adjusted them slightly; arched her back and groaned a moment later.
"Utena…There…"
Utena's brain nearly went blank at the whispered husk in Anthy's voice, at the hands kneading urgently into her shoulders, holding her here, wanting her. A hitched moan escaped her, muffled against Anthy's skin, and she felt the muscles of Anthy's abdomen clench in reply.
"Utena…Utena…"
It was no more than a sigh, barely heard above the wind, mingled with the gasps of her building pleasure, but still Utena knew Anthy was saying her name like a secret spell, binding them together on this most magical of nights.
Anthy sobbed as she came, body bucking beneath Utena's mouth, leaving pride and something softer glowing in her chest. With a last few, lazy strokes she moved away and crawled back up the bed, glad to find Anthy's arms ready to receive her.
They nestled down beneath the blankets, listening to the still-raging storm. Surely enough snow had fallen by now to bury the whole town in drifts. Utena found she didn't care.
She moved a hand in slow circles over Anthy's back. "Was everything…okay?" she asked hesitantly.
"Much more than okay," came the soft reply.
"You don't regret it? You don't feel sad, or – or disappointed?"
Heat flickered in Anthy's eyes in a way that made Utena's heart race all over again. "Come here," she murmured, voice teasing, trailing her hand down Utena's chest, "and let me show you what I feel."
Utena laughed and went to her. Pink and purple hair merged together like the tangle of their bodies, and it wasn't until much later that they finally fell asleep.