Chapter 4
It was nearly noon by the time Utena stumbled into her living room the next day. Thankfully the blizzard had blown itself out and the power was back on. She pulled back the curtains and glanced experimentally outside, seeing deep drifts of snow piled against every building. A snow plough trundled down the street with a slow line of cars crawling behind it. People were out shovelling snow from their doors; children shrieked in delirious delight at the prospect of snowball fights.
Utena was wearing her thickest dressing gown but was still a little cold, the frigid air of the apartment seeping through her. The radiators were definitely on, so that probably meant the power had only recently been restored.
She found Chu-Chu nested underneath the blanket on the sofa she'd used the previous night, and scratched his sleepy head in apology.
"Sorry Chu-Chu. Himemiya and I left you all alone last night, didn't we? You didn't freeze to death?"
Expecting him to be grumpy with her, she was surprised when he clutched at her fingers and chattered happily, shaking his head.
"Actually," Utena picked the little marmoset up in her hands. "I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I think Himemiya and I may be an item. Would that be okay with you?"
"Chu-Chu!" said Chu-Chu, jumping up and down ecstatically in a way that clearly indicated approval.
He bounced away from her a moment later. Utena turned to see what had caught his attention and saw him running to Anthy, who'd just come into the room dressed in one of Utena's baggy old tracksuits.
Utena smiled at her, softly. "Good morning, Himemiya. I think I was just getting your guardian's blessing."
Anthy joined Utena on the sofa, returning her smile and settling Chu-Chu in her lap. "Chu-Chu adores you, Utena. Of course he approves."
"I…" Utena stopped, colouring. "I love you, you know." She glanced nervously at Anthy from beneath her lashes, heart skittering in her chest. Somehow last night it hadn't been said, though it hadn't seemed to matter then, when it was self-evident in everything they did.
Answering warmth kindled in Anthy's eyes, and something else Utena couldn't name, a flare of emotion almost like pain. Before she could ask what it meant it was gone, and Anthy shifted closer in a way that made Utena shiver with the remembrance of the night before.
"I love you too," Anthy whispered, leaning in to kiss her. Embarrassingly aware of Chu-Chu's excited little peeps, Utena drew back sooner than she wanted to, swallowing at the sight of the flush on Anthy's skin. The flush that she herself had caused.
With a sigh Anthy nestled her head into Utena's shoulder and closed her eyes. She spoke a short time later.
"If you still want to go to Ohtori we'll need to go soon. It won't be there much longer."
"You can feel that?" Utena asked.
"I can feel that."
Her voice sounded tired. Utena looked down at her, assessing.
"You don't want to go," she said.
"No, I don't want to go back there," Anthy agreed.
"Then we won't go."
"Utena…If you feel like you want to go back, you'll be drawn there anyway when the time comes. I'd rather go with you."
"Himemiya…" Something unpleasant prickled in Utena's gut. "What's going on?"
"The world is ending," Anthy whispered. She sat up and took Utena's hands, and suddenly everything was falling away, the morning and the apartment and even the couch they were sitting on. They wheeled through star-studded darkness, two girls lost in the immensity of the universe, fell and plunged through the sky of another world. Utena smelled roses and knew they were back. With a hard bump they landed – somewhere. She opened her eyes and saw the duelling arena, stark and empty, Anthy and Chu-Chu right beside her.
"What are we doing back here?" Utena demanded, trepidation in her voice. She scrambled to her feet, only just noticing she was dressed as a prince again. But she wasn't wearing her old black and red uniform; this prince's suit was of purest white, almost like the one Dios used to wear.
"Everything else is already gone, Utena. This is all that's left."
Beautiful, remote, Anthy stood beside her, with Chu-Chu perched on her shoulder and clinging to her still loose hair. Her clothes too had changed; she was in a dress, white not red, unnervingly similar to the one Utena had found herself wearing the last time she'd been in this arena, when Akio had taken the sword from her heart.
Anthy's eyes were focused on something in the middle of the duelling arena floor. Utena followed her gaze and realised the arena wasn't empty after all. Akio was there right at the centre, lying on his back staring up at the Castle of Eternity floating upside down in the sky.
Anthy approached him, her footsteps loud in the silence. Confused, wary, fearful, Utena followed.
As they drew closer, Uten'a mouth twisted in horror. She realised Akio wasn't just lying there, he was impaled with the prince's sword, blood blooming around him like a rose. His hands were raw and bloody, and even as Utena watched he grasped at the shaft of the sword, trying ineffectively to pull it out and shredding his hands further.
"Anthy," he panted, catching sight of her and smiling in a perverse parody of his old, charming ways. "You came back. I knew you would."
"I came here because I'm with Utena." Anthy spoke coldly, taking Utena's hand purposefully and drawing her forwards.
Akio looked at their clasped hands, back up to Anthy's face. He wheezed, seeming faintly amused, and blood flecked his lips. "I see. So she became your prince after all."
He leered at Utena. "I still think you would have been far more beautiful as a princess. That mantle…doesn't suit you."
"Go to Hell," Utena spat.
With a weak laugh, Akio said, "Oh, I think you'll find I'm about to."
There was a metallic ringing in Utena's ears, an angry buzz that spelled apocalypse and death and more pain than she could bear, and with terror in her eyes she looked up and saw the swords circling, circling, ready to fall.
"Himemiya what's happening?"
"It's fine Utena," Anthy said, dead calm in her voice. "They're not coming for us."
The swords began to fall and automatically Utena crushed Anthy to her protectively, tensing her shoulders and waiting for a million blades of hatred to tear into her flesh, but they didn't come.
It was Akio the swords took, punishing at last the fallen prince, skewering his body one after another with vicious glee. He screamed, teeth grinding in agony; pleadingly reached out a hand and touched the hem of Anthy's gown, leaving a bloody stain behind.
"Anthy, take the swords for me, please." It was a frightened, piteous moan.
"No Akio. Not this time." Immovable, Anthy stood looking down at him, no hint of what she was feeling on her face.
"Don't look, Himemiya." Utena winced as yet another sword fell, piercing Akio through the stomach. "You don't need to watch this." She tried to turn Anthy towards her, wanting to shield her from the awful sight. This was something Utena could barely stand to watch herself, as the swords went into Akio's flesh over and over again. How much worse must it be for Anthy, who remembered bearing the swords for an eternity, who had once loved the man dying upon them now?
With something like irritation, Anthy shook her off. "Isn't this what we came here to do? To witness the end of the world?"
Before Utena could reply, the last sword fell. Akio gave a despairing cry as it found some free bit of flesh to claim, and then suddenly both Akio and the swords were gone. Nothing was left but a bloody stain on the duelling arena floor.
Anthy's dress was pure white again, Utena noticed, Akio's bloody hand print gone.
For a moment there was nothing but the sound of the wind, eerie in the deep dark that began just beyond the edges of the duelling arena, the darkness that had once been Ohtori. And then the Castle of Eternity began to come down from sky.
Utena had seen this Castle fall twice before; she'd dodged its crumbling spires, once watched it smash the arena to pieces. But this descent was not like the other times. Gently the Castle spiralled down to them, turning itself right side up and coming to rest with its door just a few metres away from them, its foundations covering the stain of Akio's blood.
The door opened and Utena had to shade her eyes as brilliant white light spilled out from within. There was a sharp grinding sensation in her chest, and she gasped, knowing what it was. She felt Anthy's hand cover her breast gently, and winced and bit back a cry as the sword began to emerge, as Anthy drew its blade out of her. Oh god, she'd forgotten how much this hurt.
"H-how?" she asked unsteadily, staring at the gleaming sword in Anthy's hand. "Akio broke my heart sword on the Rose Gate."
"This is the end, Utena. But if you want it, it's also the beginning." Anthy placed the sword in Utena's hand, closing her fingers around the hilt. "This is why you wanted to come back here. The Castle was calling to you. If this world is going to live, it needs a prince, a hero. You've proven yourself that right here in this arena."
The sword was beautiful, like eternity in Utena's hand. Holding this sword, she remembered what it was to be a prince, to know that only she could save the world, to know that she was the only one worthy of having the power to do so. The light of the Castle seemed to mesmerise her, calling to her, begging her to save it; the only one who could.
"What will happen to me, if I step into the castle?"
"You'll become the prince. This world will be yours."
Utena spared Anthy a glance. "What will happen to you?"
"I'll become your princess."
"My princess?"
"Your princess. Not the Rose Bride. You're not a fallen prince."
"Himemiya, is this…What you wanted all along? Is this why you found me?"
"No Utena." Anthy shook her head. "I've told you what I want."
Yes, Utena realised, she had. In the car the other day, or a lifetime ago. She'd said she wanted to live in the real world.
"Why the real world? If we can be here, without the swords…"
"Here, I'm a princess," said Anthy softly. "Because I'm not a prince, I don't even have the option of saving this world. Being a princess is my only purpose. It's all I can be. Do you understand?"
"You don't have any other choice?"
"I do have a choice." Anthy met Utena's eyes, unflinching. "I can walk away from you and go back to the real world. But I won't do that. If you stay, I'll stay with you. I'll be with you for all eternity."
Just give me tonight. Utena remembered those words, whispered with such longing. It made sense to her now. Anthy thought one night with Utena before she became the prince was all she was going to have. Just one night in which she could be free of the shackles of the princess. She understood the pain that had flashed across Anthy's face when she told Utena she loved her, thinking that Utena was shortly going to disappear forever.
Utena remembered how she'd felt when she wore the dress that Anthy was wearing now; how Dios had whispered to her so gently, so cruelly, you're just a girl, aren't you? And so, you will not have that power. Lying crumpled in her white dress Utena had felt weak and terrified and angry all at once, but most of all she'd been filled with the horrible conviction that everything he said was true; that it was right for her to be helpless, for the destiny of the world to be out of her hands.
Yet even Dios had failed as a prince, and he knew far more about it than Utena did. He'd been born to it, created for it. If even he'd failed, what chance would Utena have? How long would it be before the mob came for her and she was asking Anthy to take the swords, no longer able to meet her newly awakened eyes?
She looked towards the shining Castle beckoning her, and looked at Anthy beside her with her eyes full of the end of the world.
Anthy really didn't know Utena at all.
Reaching out with her free hand, Utena stroked Anthy's cheek in a trembling promise. "I want to live in the world where both of us can be free. How could you think I'd want anything else?"
Hope leapt into Anthy's eyes, desperate and still not quite believing.
The sword vanished from Utena's hand. Maybe it was back inside her, where it belonged. Maybe it was gone. Utena wasn't sure. She'd never really understood the first thing about Anthy's world.
Like a developing photograph exposed to too much sunlight, everything around them began to disappear. First the Castle faded away, forlorn and sad, and then the arena itself began greying, its edges slowly being eaten up by the encroaching dark.
"Himemiya, how do we get out of here?"
Utena felt the arena shudder and destabilise beneath them. The whole thing started tipping and she began to slide, Anthy sliding with her. It was too much like before, and with a stab of fear Utena knew she was going to lose Anthy all over again.
But Anthy seemed to have a plan. She grabbed Utena's hand and ran with her, even as the ground crumbled away from their feet. She reached the edge but she didn't stop, yelling at Utena to jump, and trusting her, Utena did, launching herself into wide black nothingness and feeling Anthy's hand in hers.
She closed her eyes and fell for a long, long time.
Eventually, she landed with a jolt back on her living room floor, Anthy and Chu-Chu tumbling down beside her. Almost before Utena had managed to sit up Anthy was hugging her, crying, princess clothes gone, dressed again in Utena's baggy too-big tracksuit and murmuring Utena's name over and over like she had a quota to meet.
"You should have just told me," Utena said, embracing her gently. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted you to be able to choose." Anthy's reply was riddled with wretched misery.
"I'd already chosen." Utena drew back, looked at Anthy, and smiled. "With you, right here. This is my happily ever after."
"In the real world?"
"In the real world," Utena agreed. "With dishes piled in the kitchen and last night's leftovers still on the bench and my bedsheets in a state that doesn't bear thinking about. I want all of that, with you."
"Utena," was all Anthy said, her voice a breathy reply. It was all she needed to say.