Chapter 8

The next Sunday, just a week after the fight with Touga, Utena and Anthy drove out of their small and humble town into the forested foothills of the high mountains where they had visited Wakaba before Christmas.

They hadn't had much opportunity to come here over the winter, but by now it was late March and spring was starting to unfurl in a profusion of delicate buds and new green shoots. The sky was in a changeable mood, sometimes clear, sometimes clouding over and throwing down fistfuls of rain.

Anthy was leading the way along the walking trail today, as she often did on their nature jaunts. Her hair almost matched the purple of her rain jacket; a bright beacon easier to follow than Utena's standard black waterproof layer. Chu-Chu scampered along beside them, chattering happily as he chased after bugs and stuffed anything vaguely edible into his mouth.

Pausing for a moment and seeming to scent the air, Anthy looked back at Utena. "We should leave the trail here."

"Okay," Utena agreed easily. She knew from experience Anthy seemed to have no trouble finding her way through trackless wildernesses, and since they hadn't yet fallen off a cliff or gotten lost and died of starvation, she wasn't particularly worried by Anthy's suggestion.

With a smile, Anthy took Utena's hand and tugged her off the trail, into the sweet-smelling shadows of the dense, towering fir trees. As she followed, Utena thought she caught a glimpse of Anthy in that other form; wearing the green dress of an enchantress.

Apparently they were gathering mushrooms today. Within a couple of hours, Utena probably saw more different varieties than she had ever seen in her life, most of which she didn't even recognise, many of which she never would have guessed were edible.

Eventually they emerged into a sheltered dell carpeted in wildflowers and surrounded by tall, twisting trees still mostly bare from winter. At least six or seven different kinds of mushrooms that Utena could distinguish were clinging to the edges of the dell, mostly hiding in the soft earth at the foot of the trees or spreading out in the spaces between. Handing Utena a small, sharp knife, Anthy said, "why don't you help?"

"I have no idea which ones are safe. I know you've told me before, but…My memory is kind of useless for stuff like this."

"Chu-Chu will show you which ones to pick."

Bounding up to Utena, Chu-Chu nodded enthusiastically and puffed himself up with importance.

Utena smiled. "All right. But don't blame me if we get poisoned."

She began to harvest mushrooms according to Chu-Chu's directives, but she was more intent on paying attention to Anthy than the task at hand. They still hadn't really talked about what had happened in the battle with Touga, or, to be more precise, Utena had obfuscated when Anthy had asked, and Anthy hadn't pushed her.

Anthy hadn't acted like she noticed anything amiss this past week, but Utena knew she could hardly have failed to be aware of the sudden absence of their physical relationship. Not even once had Utena touched Anthy, or responded when Anthy touched her.

Before she could, Utena knew she had to tell Anthy about what Akio had shown her, but how – how – was she supposed to talk about that? What was she supposed to say? Uncomfortably, she was reminded of what Anthy had said to her, all those months ago. I'm not good at talking about some things. I don't have the words.

"Utena." Anthy paused in her own mushroom-gathering to glance up at Utena, her hair tumbling over her shoulders in that unruly way it had. "I'm here if you want to talk about it."

"A-about what?"

Anthy gave her a small, sympathetic smile. "About whatever really happened in that fight with Touga."

"You knew I was thinking about it just now?"

"You've been thinking about it all week," said Anthy softly, going back to her mushroom picking.

"I'm sorry, Himemiya, I—"

"No, don't apologise. I understand that some things…can't be spoken of easily. I don't mind if you don't want to tell me. But I'm here if you need me."

"It's not that I don't want to tell you," said Utena in frustration. "It's just that I don't know how." She gave up the pretence of picking mushrooms altogether and moved to perch on a lichen-covered log, which was also sprouting some species of fungus along half its length.

"Don't pick those," Anthy said, noticing Utena's fingers straying absent-mindedly towards the flat, pinkish mushrooms. "They're poisonous."

"Right."

"Utena…" Anthy's voice was hushed. "I know what happens, in that place where you went."

Utena followed the sure movements of Anthy's hands as she continued to neatly harvest mushrooms with her knife, somehow finding the distraction comforting.

"Akio used to take those there who were too strong, too uncooperative, and he'd show them horrible things over and over again until they broke. And the worst of it was, everything he showed to them was always true. That's why it usually worked. So I know you must have seen something terrible beyond words, but…Try, Utena. I'll understand."

She stopped again and looked at Utena, her green eyes filled with compassion and the anguish of too much knowledge.

In one way, Utena didn't want to speak of anything so ugly in a place as beautiful as this. In another way, the beauty was reassuring, its constant presence reminding her that the Hell she'd seen in Akio's mind was not the only reality, and that Anthy didn't have to live there anymore, because she was here, with Utena, in this new world they were creating together.

Anthy's patience, her earnest reassurance, made the knotted strands of Utena's heartache ease just a little, enough that for the first time in a week she actually felt like she could breathe. She found she could even keep looking at Anthy as she spoke, believing that she would understand, that she wouldn't be afraid of the dark shadows that crept into Utena's normally bright eyes as she finally dug out the words.

"Touga had Akio's rose crest signet ring. It had been enchanted with some of Akio's memories and Touga…Forced them on me. I guess that's the correct way of putting it. I think it was supposed to make me despair and give up my heart sword."

"And what did you see?" asked Anthy quietly. She hid it well, but not well enough. Every line of her was tense with apprehension.

Utena released a grief-ridden sigh. "Memories of Akio hurting you, over and over again. Only, I didn't just see what he was doing, I felt it. I experienced everything as if I was him. His thoughts, his desires, his never-ending pleasure in causing you pain."

"Oh, Utena." Closing her eyes, Anthy whispered, almost to herself, "Of course. Of course that's what he shared with you."

"But that's not the reason why I haven't wanted to…be with you. As horrible as Akio's memories were, I know none of that is me. I know that isn't what I feel for you. I'm not confused about that. But I do owe you an apology."

Anthy's eyes shot open in confusion. "What for?"

"For not realising that I didn't understand. For making this thing with Akio about me when all that time you had nothing, Himemiya, not even yourself, and you were still fighting him. Yours is the true victory here. What I went through doesn't even compare."

"I don't think it should be about comparing who got the worst of it. He hurt both of us in the same way, Utena, and then made sure we turned against each other. He was very, very good at doing that." Lowering her head, Anthy distractedly sliced off a few more mushrooms. "Besides…I can't lie. Before you came along, I'd stopped fighting. I'd stopped believing anything could change. It was because of you that I started to wake up."

"And then he made you believe that I'd never love you," whispered Utena, "and convinced you to betray me instead."

"Yes." Anthy's chest heaved with her shuddering breaths. "That place you went to, Akio took me there…Many times. Too many to remember. But the last time, that was what he showed me. He showed me that I'd never have you."

Her face was raw with guilt and pain, and unable to witness it any longer, Utena moved to kneel beside Anthy on the cool, damp earth and embraced her gently. "So the visions weren't always true, were they? He was wrong about that."

Voice muffled, Anthy replied, "It was probably true at the time though. For many reasons. Mostly because of things I myself had done."

For a few moments, Utena stroked Anthy's hair, trying to order her thoughts. When she was ready, she said, "I can think of several reasons why Akio wanted to share those visions with me. To try and convince me his perversions were my own. To make me feel like I'd failed you for not realising what was going on and protecting you. To make me turn away from you because of what he saw as your brokenness, your weakness. But everything backfired. I saw what he did to you, Himemiya. And I saw your strength in resisting him. I saw the feelings you had for me. Even though I didn't understand and made so many mistakes, I was still helping you back then. I wasn't just another burden for you to carry."

"No, of course you weren't Utena." Incredulous, Anthy looked at her. "Even back then I wanted to be with you, more and more as time passed."

Gifting her with soft smile of thanks and a warm hand squeeze, Utena continued. "Everything I saw of you just made me more determined not to give up. Because how could I stop fighting when you'd fought him all along under far worse circumstances? When it was your love for me that first made you want to fight? And then you came and rescued me with your heart sword. Seeing you like that was amazing, especially when I'd just experienced the Hell he'd put you through. It – it made me want you," Utena admitted. "In a way Akio would never understand."

She touched her free hand to Anthy's chest and felt her heart racing. "I don't ever want you to lose this again," she said fiercely, looking into bright eyes filled with desire as powerful as her own.

"I won't," Anthy promised, covering Utena's hand with hers.

Knowing this was right with every fibre of her being, Utena drew Anthy down into the fragrant bed of wildflowers and kissed her, breathing in her cinnamon scent, her sunlit hair, her strength. Anthy arched up into her, tangling them together in a way that made Utena gasp, and her soft throaty laugher as she did it sent threads of joy spiralling through Utena's soul. They undressed each other slowly, whispers and caresses and lingering lips building towards an unhurried crescendo, and as she felt Anthy touch her; felt Anthy tremble at her touch in return, Utena decided Anthy had been correct. There was magic in the real world too, everywhere around them. She'd just had to learn anew how to see it.