Extra: Anthy
A/N: This piece is set early on during Utena and Anthy's 'dating' phase, before they get together at Utena's apartment. It mostly just covers Anthy's thoughts and feelings about being with Utena again, and the changes in her life. I couldn't quite find a way to work it into the main body of the story, but I thought it would make a nice little Extra to go along with it.
Back when Anthy and Utena used to live together at Ohtori, Anthy had discovered that despite Utena's seemingly boundless energy, or perhaps because of it, she possessed a remarkable ability to fall asleep almost anywhere at a moment's notice. At lunchtime, over her homework, more than once in Anthy's lap. Anthy knew she'd spent days sometimes as the Rose Bride literally asleep on her feet, but when she looked back, she was surprised by how many wakeful memories she seemed to have of just watching Utena sleep.
As Anthy soon found out, this was a trait that had accompanied Utena's personality into the real world. Most usually it happened when they went to the beach or the park, and unbeknownst to Utena, Anthy had started suggesting these destinations more frequently for their outings partially so she could once again indulge in her peculiar hobby.
On blustery days or fine golden afternoons they would curl up together in sheltered spots or in fine, sunny clearings, sometimes with a light blanket if there was a chill in the air, and Anthy would have a book that she'd read, or at least pretend to, until inevitably Utena dropped off to sleep and Anthy could turn to her and study her unawares, without interruption.
She'd notice the things about Utena that had changed, and all the things that hadn't; her sweetness, her passion, her determination. The light of her heart shining in her breast. Even the swords hadn't been able to take her away from herself, and every day her eyes grew a little brighter and her distrust of Anthy grew a little less. Watching the dreams skimming lightly across Utena's face, Anthy dreamed dreams of her own of that as yet unrealised day when Utena would finally kiss her.
How had Anthy even come to love her so much? At first it had been because Utena reminded her of Dios, but then it had morphed into something else and become simply that Utena…reminded her of Utena. And it was because Utena was Utena that she had been able to save her. By that point, whether she was a prince or not was totally irrelevant.
Utena understood because the world whispered the same lies to her that it did to Anthy, and she'd taught Anthy that she didn't have to listen. That she could escape from the swords bent on destroying her.
None of that had really been clear to Anthy at the time, but she'd had years to untangle it all in her head since then. To begin to understand herself and what she wanted. To get to know herself again, after forgetting for an eternity that she even had a self to know.
She was still adjusting to how different things were here, to how different she was herself was becoming. The strength of her own opinions shocked her. The depths of her longings and desires caught her unawares. The conviction with which she could fight when something really mattered to her was astounding beyond measure. Even little things like where to live mattered. Big things sometimes mattered so much they hurt.
And what Anthy had done to Utena hurt most of all. She hated herself for delivering Utena up to Akio, knowing what he was going to do; hated Akio for taking Utena's first time from her and making it so ugly. Hated both Akio and herself for every moment of what came after in the duel of Revolution.
No one but Utena would have even given her a second chance, and Anthy wasn't really sure she deserved one for all she was determined to have it. She didn't say that to Utena, didn't dwell on her guilt because it wasn't her guilt that had driven her to find Utena. But she did think of it at times like these when she watched Utena sleep and didn't have to worry about the fact that she couldn't hide things from Utena in her eyes anymore.
Anthy wanted so much to touch her. Experience with her an exploration of joy and pleasure that would almost border on being innocent again; that would be the first time in all her many lives when she had chosen her lover for herself, that would be what Utena should have had instead of fear and pain.
She told herself to be patient, and goodness knew she had enough practice at it, but sometimes Anthy couldn't help wishing, fiercely, for the time to come when she and Utena could be together. And that was new too, for Anthy had never had anything to look forward to before. Previously, her life was just a circle of pain that began and ended with the swords, with Akio telling her she wanted it.
It had been like that forever, until the first time she felt the touch of Utena's hand, her bruised and bloodied fingers reaching for her own. She'd been so warm, so alive, looking down at her from the arena with the heat of her tears falling onto Anthy's frozen cheeks and thawing her long lost heart. Her eyes full of happiness and pain and grief as she whispered, at last we meet.
And then they'd lost each other and Anthy had fallen and it had taken her years to find Utena again. She told herself she could afford to be patient a little longer now that Utena was actually here, no longer just a dream or a memory spurring her to search. The glow of anticipation, the desire that curled in her belly, it had its own sweetness with the knowledge that one day soon the waiting would end, that Utena would reach for her and Anthy could finally reach back. That they'd wrenched their happily ever after from Ohtori's corruption and brought it with them to another world.
Anthy laced her fingers with Utena's and held on tightly, swearing silently that she'd never let go again, no matter what.
Utena awakened at her touch and smiled. "Sorry, did I fall asleep again?" she asked with a languorous stretch, looking at their intertwined fingers but not moving her hand away.
"For a little while," said Anthy softly. "But you're awake now. We're both awake, and the world is here…"