Santana's POV
I tried to avoid thinking about her all weekend when in reality she was the only thing going through my mind. I was out of my mind to have come on to her like I did when I knew that she was my teacher and I knew that there was a chance she was already spoken for. Either way, I found myself not really regretting the situation, only regretting that I didn't give in completely and kiss her to at least understand what it could feel like to have her. I was completely out of my mind crazy and experienced headache after headache, playing the last couple of weeks over in my head. Why had it gone this far? Surely it wouldn't have had she not felt the same? Why didn't she pull away from the kiss? Was she attracted to me like I was attracted to her? Holy shit. I was confused about my own feelings, wondering why my attraction to her seemed so undefeatable and unavoidable. I couldn't help myself from looking at her, talking to her, thinking about her and it was starting to drive m e. I was going crazy, I was sure of it.
Monday rushed towards me and I wished that Sunday would play over and over so that I would never have to face her again. It was bound to be awkward now and I wondered how she'd behave around me. I hoped that things wouldn't change, that she would continue to treat me like the favourite and maintain the informality that we had grown so accustomed to. I couldn't imagine her treating me within her professional capacity, like another student that she cared for but not necessarily about. I wanted her attention and I wasn't even ashamed to admit it. I knew that I was being presumptuous in thinking that things wouldn't change because I knew without a doubt that they would. I imagined that she would probably try to ignore me, avoiding talking to me or looking at me and I could almost see how it would play out when she finally did. She would look at me with void, empty eyes and she would try to convince herself that it didn't happen. My eyes would try to convince her that it did and she would look away and when she spoke it would be cold and impersonal and I imagined it would slow my racing heart. I could see it so vividly and that's why I didn't want Monday and the days that followed after it.
Miss Harper's POV:
I threw myself at Lilly, trying to forget about Santana and focus on my fiancé. I threw myself at her, tearing off my own clothes and trying to take hers off too. She looked at me like a deer in headlights and pushed me away, raising her eyebrows and shaking her head. We hadn't had sex in months, maybe three or four and even the last time, neither of us were really feeling it. It showed because it was bad sex, something I'd never come across with her before and eventually I just sighed and asked her to stop. Now it was me trying to initiate it and she just refused, startled by my poorly timed advances. "Dani, don't" she said, getting frustrated when I wouldn't give up and I just sat beside her on the couch, naked and shaking and I cried. I didn't cry because of what had almost happened with Santana, I cried because I wasn't in love with Lilly anymore, and she wasn't with me. She didn't even move when I started to sob, so I collected my clothes from the floor and went to bed, pulling the covers up over me and squeezing my eyes shut. She never followed.
She could have felt that night or in the early morning but when she did, she'd taken a bag of clothes with her and I wasn't sure if we were broken up or taking a break or just living separately as we had for months. I sat on the couch wearing my robe and I tried to explain everything to myself but it just wouldn't happen. Why did Santana have this effect on me and how had she managed to make me realise the state of my relationship with Lilly? It was all such as huge mess and I wished that it would all just fall away and leave me be. I sure as hell knew that I didn't want to face her at school tomorrow. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed of what had happened, what was happening. But I was confused and I didn't want to drag her into it. She was so pretty and precious and I just didn't want to be anymore influenced by the way I was feeling about her.
I couldn't stop thinking about the way she looked at me and spoke to me. It wasn't loving like I thought I needed, but it was flirtatious, keeping me on my toes and reminding me what it felt like to be even remotely happy. It was frustrating because I knew that I would probably cheat on Lilly easily with Santana if we didn't have the additional boundary of my professional authority over her. Professional authority, who was I kidding? I hadn't been professional in the slightest with her ever since we met. But I was supposed to be. If she wasn't my student, I would have fallen in to bed with her already.
It kept playing through my mind how I would behave around her. It seemed crazy to pretend like it didn't happen, but even crazier to act as though everything was fine, to continue behaving as I had been up to now. If it had happened, there was a chance that it could happen again and even though I wished it would, it couldn't. But then it begged the question whether I'd have the strength to overcome my desire enough to treat her like everybody else. That meant not looking at her, not talking to her like I had been and eventually, not thinking about her as much as I was. It seemed impossible but I thought I'd end up trying anyway.
Santana's POV:
I drove into school as slow as I could the next morning, not wanting to be as early as I had for previous sessions. I didn't feel excited to see her like I had before, instead I was dreading it. I just prayed that she wouldn't confront me about the subject because I didn't trust myself to respond appropriately. I was cutting it fine to homeroom, getting in just before the bell and finding her already seated. I tried not to look at her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable or whatever but I couldn't help myself from glancing at her once or twice. She called our names off of a list like usual and I grew nervous to hear mine, afraid of her tone of voice. "Santana?" she called, looking up at me. It wasn't a look of longing or whatever because that wasn't what this was. We didn't love each other and it wasn't at all serious until now maybe. Her eyes lacked their usual spark but she smiled at me reassuringly and I hoped that we might be okay. "Here" I replied, smiling quickly before she looked away. That reassurance from her allowed me to look at her again but with purpose, I wanted to know how she was feeling. She looked tired and drained like people looked when they'd been thinking too much and I wondered whether she had thought much about me. Of course, she probably had but I didn't want her thinking about me negatively, with regret and shame. I hoped that she felt the same still.
I didn't try at all to get her attention, staying under the radar so not to put pressure on her. I didn't want to make things more difficult than they had to be. I wanted to be sensitive to whatever she was going through, almost certain now that there was someone else involved in this situation. So I left homeroom in time with everyone else, not falling behind or trying to draw attention to myself like I did more often than not. Though one thing I knew for certain, I couldn't act too out of the ordinary unless she implied that I had to.
Miss Harper's POV:
I decided that I would try to talk to her in study hall if she showed. The class was usually empty and I figured that we could have a conversation, even if it was unrelated to what we probably should be having a conversation about. I knew that it might make me feel better and I wouldn't deny myself that simple pleasure of feeling happier, even if only for a short amount of time. She did show up to my relief, sitting at the back of the class with her earphones in, eyes shut and head resting back against the filing cabinet. I wished that I could hug her. After about twenty minutes of back and forth with myself about whether this was a good idea, I stood up and turned the seat in front of her around. I seated myself before pulling one of her earphones out. She opened one eye, opening the other and sitting up when she realised it was me, looking kind of dazed or surprised maybe. I watched her pull out her other earphone and decided to make a joke. "No listening to music in my class" I told her with an uneasy smile, she half laughed and sighed straight after as if she didn't know quite how to act around me. I looked at her calculus homework on the desk and figured I might as well offer my assistance, spending a few minutes going through some of the equations with her. It was crazy but the sound of her voice calmed me down slightly and made me feel less horrible about the whole thing. I was talking when I looked up to catch her watching me, the same way she always did and I blushed. "What are you looking at?" I asked, smiling warmly. She scoffed, "You". I knew the answer but the affirmation warmed my heart and made me sigh. "You should stop looking at me like that" I told her and she just shrugged, making it clear she probably wouldn't. "How are you, Miss Harper?" she asked and I was thankful that someone finally had, I needed to offload and I didn't even care if it was to her. "I've been better" I admitted, watching her frown. She blamed herself and I needed her not to. "No... Santana that isn't what I meant. Not that. I just... I'm having problems completely unrelated to you." Although she brought them to the forefront of my mind. "I just don't know how to make everything right" I told her with a shrug, squeezing her hand reassuringly for only a second. I found that I didn't want to let go. She was a good listener, not asking me to elaborate and it figured that she relieved me of all of the pressures I was feeling. I was under pressure and then I looked at her and melted, feeling completely relaxed. "I... don't even know what to say to you, Santana" I said and the Latina beauty shook her head at me, telling me that I didn't need to say anything at all. I rubbed my face with my hands and looked at her. "You're pretty" I said and she smiled. "You're beautiful" she replied and I felt it, she made me feel beautiful even when I knew I probably looked a mess. "My name is Danielle" I told her and I'm not even sure what made me do it. She smiled softly at me and let out a brief 'aw' sound, I blushed and she took advantage of it. "Beautiful name for a beautiful girl" she mumbled and I believed her. I wanted to hear how it sounded coming from her but knew I couldn't just ask her to say it out loud like she was probably saying it over and over in her head. I stood up and tucked the chair back beneath the desk. "Thanks for the talk" I said sincerely, walking back over to my desk. I felt better knowing that things between us hadn't changed too much.
It was then that I realised that the only thing that had really changed was that it was obvious by now that we were attracted to each other. In a sense, I was relieved.
Santana's POV:
It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders after our conversation. It was clear that Miss Harper's troubles weren't a result of what nearly happened on Friday and even if it was, it's impact was minuscule in comparison to whatever else was going on in her brain. I tried to be there for her, be a friend even though I knew I wasn't close. Every part of me wished that we weren't in this situation, wished that the circumstances were different so that we could act on this mutual attraction. She seemed so comfortable around me, so trusting and I didn't want to abuse it, I just wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh. I also wanted to fuck her but we can leave that bit out.
I went to Calculus and when she came to help me again, I made sure to ask again if she was okay. I wanted her to know that I cared and that I wasn't going to push her for anything. I didn't want to take over her life, back her into a corner, I just wanted her to know that I cared and that I wouldn't cause her any additional problems. She smiled again and nodded, talking me through the problem and walking off to next person. I shamefully looked at her ass, unable to stop myself, embarrassed when I got caught. She just gave me a lopsided grin which made me chuckle to myself, hardly believing that she was real life.
I went home that evening with her name fresh in my mind. Danielle. I felt kinda guilty when I pulled open my laptop and searched her name in the search bar on Facebook, like I was invading her privacy or something. I just wanted to know about her, try to figure her out a little more so that I knew what I was working with. I shouldn't be working with anything at all. It seemed impractical to have such a crush on someone without even knowing them, so I decided that this would be the best way to find out. She had some privacy settings that prevented me from finding out where she was from or what her relationship status was, what her sexual orientation was and how old she was. It all seemed unimportant when I found out that her photos had no privacy settings whatsoever. I scrolled through them, taking her in. She was so beautiful. Some of these pictures weren't from too long ago, over summer maybe and I tried to work out who could be her husband. My heart dropped when I saw a picture of her holding a baby, only just getting it together when I read the caption: 'My adorable little godson'. Thank god. I continued to scroll until I found a picture of Danielle with another woman. I narrowed my eyes at the ring on her finger. Why didn't she wear that to school? That would have made everything less complicated. 'She said yes' was the caption and I realised that my gorgeous Calculus teacher was engaged to a woman. She was a lesbian, which was music to my ears, but she was engaged. I slammed my laptop shut and allowed my heart to race. She was completely out of bounds.
Miss Harper's POV:
I went home feeling happier than I had been when I left for work this morning. I pushed Lilly far out of my mind even though I knew that I had to talk things out with her sooner or later. I tried not to think about Santana either but found that near impossible. I wish that something would happen to make me like her less. I wish that she wasn't so sweet that it was impossible for me not to crush so foolishly on her. Just today, the way she asked after me, complimented me and didn't act awkward around me, even after Friday overwhelmed me and proved once more that she was far different than anyone her age.
I knew that I had to stop flirting with her. I had to get in touch with my professional side and do something about this sooner or later, I chose later, figuring that it would probably die down and work itself out. One thing I knew for sure is that I needed to end things with Lilly or at least talk everything out with her. Santana less so because what I wanted with her was nothing compared to what I once wanted with Lilly. It got me to thinking whether it would be a terrible idea to let something happen with Santana. If we didn't enter into a relationship and tried things only once, could that really be harmful?
Santana's POV:
I ignored her in homeroom the next morning, knowing that it would be easy to let go of my desire if I had nothing to do with her at all. It didn't stop me from feeling bad, knowing that the girl would likely get confused by my behaviour. I'd spent the last few weeks effectively coming on to her and it felt as though I was taking myself from 100 to 0 overnight. I could feel her eyes on me and I felt guilty that I didn't meet her gaze. I just couldn't mess with her anymore, I knew it and so did she deep down. She knew as well as I did that the way be behaved with each other was inappropriate and I was trying to end it for both our sakes. I didn't want anyone to get hurt, even though I knew that me and Danielle were only a little bit of fun. It was playful, harmless but it had the potential to hurt more people than it was worth. Her fiancé, her career, the school, her future. It could hurt her as much I tried to convince myself it wouldn't and I'd promised not to cause anymore problems.
It made me wish that I had ceased my opportunity in the car because there wasn't a chance in hell it would happen again. Despite how attracted we were to each other, we were blind-sighted by that into believing that it was harmless. It wasn't harmless it was dangerous and it needed to stop. So why couldn't I keep my eyes to myself? I just had to look up at her for a split second, seeing her sitting there, a hurt expression on her face. This was all supposed to be nothing more than flirtatious banter and I'd ruined it by trying to kiss her. It was my fault.
Author's Note:
Thank you for the reviews and advice. I tried out something new so maybe you guys can let me know if you like this better? It makes chapters shorter it seems but I can work on that. Anyway, I hope you're all enjoying. Thank you so much - N