Chapter 14 – Jazz

With you
By Linkin Park

Even though you're so close to me,
You're still so distant,
And I can't bring you back.

Grim Reaper's POV

The Decepticon army had arrived on Earth in the city of Pontiac.

It was a battlefield. With bullets flying everywhere, the clang of steel on steel all around, and the earth was soaked with energon. The Air Force were helping us, though the earthen technology was having difficulty destroying the elite 'Con forces.

It was us versus the Decepticons, Armageddon and Starscream were fighting side by side, slowly making their way through the dirt-filled air to get the Megatron, their ultimate goal. Prowl was fighting off three 'Cons at once. But I couldn't see anyone else. The only thing I could see was Soundwave. Neither of us was moving, it was a battle of the minds here. He winced, I could feel the raw power of his mind, probably much stronger than the force of my own. But that wouldn't stop me, no way, probability wasn't a factor when it came to me. I pushed the barrier a little further, he winced again, I felt his weakness, I felt his pain, I pushed it further, his hands flew up to his head and he was clutching his temples.

I smiled, shifting my right arm into a bazooka, now that I had him down I could finally paralyse him. I aimed my weapon and fired, shooting him right through the middle. He fell backwards and landed on the ground with a thump, sparks flying in the empty cavity in his chest.

I looked around in hope of seeing Jazz, I spotted him quickly, he was standing in front of Megatron. I started walking over when I noticed something was wrong. He was standing awfully still, and Megatron was smiling. A feeling of dread settled in the bottom of my stomach and I started running, breaking into a sprint quickly.

A long, steel sword was protruding from his back, covered in energon, it rotated slowly, then slid back out, another 'Con fired two bullets into the back of Jazz's head and his body collapsed to the ground with a sickening thud.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, a ton of bricks whacking me in the chest. Megatron smiled and walked off, his work was finished. I realised I was running when the ground was flying beneath my feet, I felt empty, like a great big hole had been ripped open in my chest, I felt like screaming, like crying and mourning. I reached him and I kneeled beside Jazz's lifeless body.

He can't be dead! He can't be! I gave a weak push on his chest, trying to get a response out of him, there was no movement. I was shaking, my breaths came in weak, ragged gasps. Not Jazz! No! I pushed on his chest again, leaning my head on it, trying to hear his spark. Liquid covered one side of my face and I realised with horror that it was his energon.

Rage and sadness boiled inside me, welling up and bubbling over, I saw red. I stood up slowly, turning around, I saw a big, red X on Megatron's back. He would die. You will be avenged, my love… I concentrated and he stopped walking, paralysed. I walked over to him, stepping in front of him and looking him straight in the optics. A flash of fear briefly crossed his optics but he maintained his calm expression.

"What do you want, slagger?" I felt like I was going to explode, rage coursed through every limb, every circuit, every part of me, I wanted to kill him so badly. But I will make him suffer first, oh, and he will suffer…

I gave him a hard shove and he fell to the ground, he still couldn't move so he lay there, staring at me like I was crazy, I snickered, oh, I bet he wished I was crazy, he wouldn't have to suffer then…

What is she doing? I heard him think, I laughed, sliding my scythe out from behind my shoulder blade. I pressed it softly against his neck and it slid a few inches in. He coughed and spluttered as energron spurted out, like a miniature fountain. I grinned, this was going to be fun. I pressed it a little further in, it hit something hard. His spine. My smile grew even larger, I pushed it really hard and a loud snap sounded, making my spark shudder. Energon squirted again and his optics went dull. Damn, a little too quickly.

I shifted my right arm into a bazooka and shot his spark chamber, reassuring no return. I wrenched my scythe out, wiping it on the ground and holding it firm in my hand, stepping away from the corpse. A few Decepticons came closer to see what happened and I shot them through, slicing off the head of one in one quick sweep. My anger only built up, I was numb to all other emotion, all pain and feeling had long since left me. There was only one thing I wanted now.

Energon.

Energon from every god-forsaken Decepticon alive, I wanted them all to die, and all of them would. I marched over to the 'Con Echo was fighting and shot him in the back. Echo gave me a confused look and decided to follow me, but I didn't even notice. I walked over to the next nearest one and sliced him right through the middle from the shoulder to the hip. He crumpled to the ground in a pool of energon, if Jazz doesn't deserve to live, then no one does. I shot three, stabbed and hacked another four and off-lined several more, Echo following intently behind me all the while. When all the Decepticons were dead I felt empty, devoid of all emotion. All the rage and anger and hatred in me had burned out, and only a deep, burning sadness was left.

I dropped the head of the last Decepticon and crumpled to my knees, and for the first time in what seemed like years, I cried.

I was one of the very few Transformers alive who had tear ducts. Perhaps it's because I used to be human.

The tears streamed down my cheeks, around my fingers and dripping onto my knees, soaking the earth beneath me. I didn't want anyone to see me right then, especially not one of my friends, I didn't want them to see me weak. I can't stand feeling weak, I can't stand letting anyone see my emotions. I tried to stop crying but I couldn't. He was everything! The one thing I looked forward to in this cursed life. After everything was over, even after all my friends were dead, he was going to be my lifeboat, and we would escape, we would escape together from the world and all existence itself. No one would know we were still alive, we would just have each other, and I thought we would be happy. But now, everything, all my plans and hopes for the future, their all gone, all by the hand of Megatron. Even though I killed Megatron, there's still no way to bring him back.

The tears kept streaming down my face, I had no control over myself, I was broken. Full of hatred and self-loathing. Was there anything I could have done to save him? I shouldn't have wasted my time on that slagger Soundwave. Then he might have been still alive now.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to find Echo kneeling down beside me, he put his arm around my shoulders awkwardly and pulled me into his chest, rubbing my arm. I didn't have the strength nor the willpower to push him away.

"H-he's gone…" I whispered shakily.

"Who is?" he murmured.

"Jazz!" I cried, burying my face in his chest as he hugged me, I felt like a little child as he rocked me from side to side and hushed me, whispering soothing words into my audio receptors. In a sick way, this reminded me of a song by My Chemical Romance.

"…never again, no never again, they gave us two shots to the back of the head. And we're all…dead…now…"

Echo looked at me confusedly but otherwise kept quiet. The last line of the song was echoing ('scuse the pun) through my head.

…and we're all dead now…

I know we all will be, and I know I will be, because what do you live for when there's no future to look forward to?

I felt empty, like a great black hole had opened inside of me and sucked the life out from the inside. There was nothing left, absolutely nothing. Except the pain, that was all there was left, I was numb to the world and all my friends and everything – I couldn't even feel Echo sitting next to me, holding me together in one piece – there was only me and my pain. Nothing else mattered now, not life, not anything.

Jazz was everything. With him gone, nothing felt real. Everything was gone with that stab and two shots to the head. I felt like I hadn't grasped fully on the reality of the moment yet, it wasn't real yet, it just couldn't be real, Jazz couldn't be dead, not just like that. This was just a dream, a very bad dream, and all I had to do was wake up, I'm sure of it. But a feeling of dread and sheer terror that had made itself home in the pit of my stomach told me otherwise.

I wasn't whole anymore, I felt like I was in pieces, Echo holding me together physically, but emotionally, I felt shattered. Although, I knew that Jazz must be dead, as my spark felt non-existent now. I wasn't ready to accept that, not yet.

Damn, death sounds so good right now. Or is this death? Had all my sins turned me to this? Eternal damnation without Jazz. I didn't want to look at his body, I didn't want any more proof.

A gut-wrenching feeling came over me as I realised something else made it real. I pulled my face away from Echo's chest, and stared in horror at the energon on it, it wasn't his, and it wasn't mine.

It was Jazz's.

I looked down at my hands and stifled a scream, it was all over them as well. It was so thick that is was running down my arm, dripping into the sodden earth. My optics widened and so did Echo's. He probably thought I murdered Jazz. But then again, I didn't care what he thought, I didn't care what anyone thought anymore. I just want it all to be over.

Then something else occurred to me. I could make it over, I could make it all go away…

I looked around, my scythe was still on the ground, dried energon of the many lives I'd taken with it. I crawled over to it, Echo's optics watching me intently. I picked it up, feeling like a baby playing with sharp objects and in one swift movement I held it to my throat, pushing it in, it quickly slid a more than few inches in. I coughed and spluttered, my airways now being cut open, making it harder to breathe. My breath came out in weak, ragged gasps and I felt my spark whirring in my audio receptors.

I heard two others nearby, one choked and one gasped. I looked around, the blade falling out of my neck, leaking energon all over my knees, but I didn't notice, I couldn't feel anything anymore. I saw Echo, he was making his way over to me, his face full of shock and worry, and behind him, Armageddon, who looked seemingly paralysed, but not by my hand. I realised she had never seen me like this before, she had never seen me this…pathetic. The tears started all over again, like a fountain they streamed down my face, my cheeks, mixing with the energon on the ground, making the puddle larger.

I suddenly felt extremely ashamed of myself, how could I be so reckless as to let one of my friends see me so weak!? That was the one thing I strived to keep hidden all my life! And to just let my weaknesses show like that all of a sudden, of course it would shock her, hell, she and all the others probably thought I had no emotions. I hated myself then, I hated myself so much, for letting her see that, for letting her worry.

For not saving Jazz…

I shot her an apologetic look and made to pick up my scythe again, it was centimetres from my neck when a hand appeared on it, restraining me from putting it any closer. I looked up into Echo's optics, burning into mine.

"Let go!" I screamed at him, my voice faltering. I saw him hesitate, but eventually shook his head. "Let go! Please!" I repeated, but his response was the same. The tears kept streaming down my face, and I could feel the look of torture emanating from my optics. "Get off me! Now! Let me go!" I began to struggle in his grip, trying to tear my blade away from his hands, but went unsuccessful.

I caught his gaze for one brief moment and he met mine, a pained expression flashed across his face and he pulled the scythe out of my hands, discarding it on the ground behind him and pulled me into a hug again. I sobbed and choked and cried, hating myself now more than ever. I wanted to kill myself. I still do. But I can't, is it because I'm too weak? Too selfish? Too scared? Why? Why are the fates so cruel to me?! They take away my life, my love, my everything, but I have to walk around in this living hell without him! Without my Jazz…

I suddenly felt light-headed, I hadn't realised how much energon I had lost. I looked down and to my surprise we were sitting in a large, dark coloured pool of energon. I felt sickened and disgusted at myself, and Echo was sitting in it too! He was sitting there on his knees, holding me in a puddle of my own energon. He didn't seem to notice it though. How the fuck was I still alive?

I should be long dead, damn it!

I stopped sobbing; the tears just slid quietly down my cheeks instead, and I stared emptily at the dark liquid beneath me. Disgusted. At myself, at fate, Echo, and Megatron. Megatron was dead now. That didn't matter. Jazz was dead too. That mattered. So why can't I be dead and join him? Why can't I have peace? Why do they struggle to keep me alive? What do I matter anyway if I'm just going to be an emotionally crippled person who can't give two shits about life or anything else? I can't be their leader anymore. I am no longer qualified.

I started shaking and reached over Echo's shoulder, groping for the scythe. He slapped my hand and I retaliated out of shock.

"Stop it." He hissed. I shrunk back, feeling incredibly small, especially due to the fact that he was four times my size. He had barely said a word, and it frightened me that he was yelling now. "Just stop it! Ok? I'd hate to say this, but your acting extremely pathetic."

I stared at the ground, ashamed.

"I know." I blubbered, then started choking again, I wheezed, rasped and coughed. He had been hugging me while I was on my back, and the energon had started leaking in the wrong direction, back down my throat. He looked panicked.

I rolled over and leaned forward, my hand pressed to my throat, coughing up energon and leaking it at the same time. I gasped, but it wasn't because of the pain. I had rolled over and was now facing Jazz's body, I could see it clearly now, the energon leaking out of the back of his head, the hole in his spark chamber, his shuttered optics.

I screamed.

I screamed so loud that it hurt my own audio receptors, but I couldn't help it, this was the one thing I didn't want to see, the one thing I couldn't handle, the one thing in the world that would break apart the flimsy ties that I had been holding myself together with.

I screamed until it hurt my throat so badly that I started up another coughing fit. This one was worse, there was no break for me in between coughs to breathe. My light-headedness just lost ten pounds.

I shuttered my optics and I fell backwards, landing on the sodden earth with a thud. Blackness clawed at the edges of my vision, I saw two heads, one seemed like Echo's and the other…I think…I think it was Ratchets, his brow was furrowed in thought.

The blackness took over, but the last thing I heard was Ratchet's thoughts. He wasn't sure whether or not he could fix me. I hope he can't, I don't want to wake up to see that white ceiling again, not again. I don't want to wake up at all.

Don't let me.

oOo

I unshuttered my optics and found myself staring at an all too familiar white ceiling. I groaned and rolled over, praying that I would go back into recharge before anyone noticed I woke.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and knew my cover was blown. I unshuttered my optics to find Echo staring at me intently. He was good at that.

"How are you feeling?" he asked slowly. I sighed,

"Fine, I guess, just a bit of a sore throat, I guess. But that's what happens when you--"

"I meant, how are you feeling?" I quickly understood what he said this time.

"Terrible." Whatever glimpse of hope in his optics quickly faded. I continued, "Terrible that I reacted that way, and worried and scared you and--" I choked, unable to finish my sentence. Armageddon…

He sighed and sat down on the healing berth beside me and pulled me into a hug. I could tell he was going to make a habit out of this.

But even as he was hugging me, I felt empty, devoid of all emotion. This emptiness, I hated it. I didn't hate many things in life. I never hated people, or at least I tried hard not to if they gave me reason to. I hated hate. If was a horrible, dirty feeling. But now I hated myself as well. I hate myself so much.

A small tear rolled down my cheek, I lifted up my finger and wiped it off. No room for those any more.

Echo didn't seem to notice. He slowly released me, and sat back on the bed. Why does he care anyway? It puzzled me so, Why does he do this?

There was a knock at the door and Echo stood up and opened it. Why did I suddenly feel like I had a disease or something that left me incapable of opening a door?

It was Ratchet, he seemed distant and worried. Was there something he wasn't telling me?

"Grim? You ok?" he asked.

I sighed, what was everyone's problem? Do they think I'm unstable now or something? Just because I tried killing myself…do they think I'm going to do it again? Well, I probably would anyway, but I'm not dangerous! I don't need to be kept under watch and guard just in case I try some other move to end my life.

"Yeah." I grumbled, not meeting his azure optics. Why was I so pissed all of a sudden? Did I have no control over my emotions anymore? Personally, I would prefer to have that awful empty feeling than be pissed of upset for no reason.

He nodded once, sensing that I wanted to be left alone for a while, but there was no emotion in his face.

"Echo, I need your help in my lab." He didn't budge. He gave him a look and he followed him out.

Once they had left the room I slammed my fists on the wall. I was so angry with myself! I couldn't believe what I was turning into. What was I turning into? It was like my pre-teen years coming back to haunt me. I sat on my hands to stop myself from doing anything I would regret. I felt the heat drain out of my face, and with it, the anger and confusion.

I embraced the empty feeling that soon washed over me. Was this what they called meditation? I felt completely calm, at ease, but empty in a way. I took in deep breaths, wincing when the wind rubbed on the raw part of my throat, and soon found myself falling into recharge again.