Chapter 15 – Institutionalized
Institutionalized
By Suicidal Tendencies
I'm not crazy – institutionalized,
You're the one who's crazy – institutionalized,
You're driving me crazy – institutionalized.
They stuck me in an institution,
Said it was the only solution.
To give me the needed professional help,
To protect me from the enemy, myself.
Doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyways.
Grim's POV
I was sitting on the recharge bed in Med Bay. It had been a week and they still hadn't let me out yet. I wasn't sure whether it was that they didn't trust me yet or something else entirely. But it seemed like a prison cell. Ratchet rarely came in any more either. Was I really that unstable? Dangerous? What did they think I was? A traitor? What did I do that affected them so much? I only received rare visits from Armageddon, and that was later in the week, as she had almost been destroyed when the stupid Air Force mistook her for a 'Con. Her body was scrapped beyond repair just after I had blacked out, and her spark had only just made it. Ratchet had worked hard to create another body, one which needed a new alt mode. Now she was an f-117 Nighthawk.
When she had walked in for the first time in her new body with Ratchet at her side, and when he had explained, I nearly went Black, but I didn't. I guess it was just Armageddon; I had come close to going Black several times in the past, but her presence just seemed to calm me down, though I'm not quite sure why.
Black is a state of extreme rage, when the negative feelings and emotions build up inside me until something makes me snap. I lose control completely and could kill a person if it is bad enough. When the rage is spent, I become something like an emotionless shell, until the feeling slowly starts coming back.
But I could tell there was something they weren't telling me...
I wouldn't count Echo as a visitor, since he was there every other waking minute of the day and night. I'm not sure if he ever left Med Bay, he was always there whenever I woke, sitting in the corner faithfully. He was always there when I dreamed of Jazz or things were just too much for me to handle. He would always hug me and cradle me in his chest, and I would find comfort in that, knowing I had someone there for me. Someone who would be here just for me and no one else, or really, I was there for him, in a way, since I was never comforting him, or whispering soothing words to him, or any of the things he does for me. Would it be wrong if I said it felt like I belonged to Echo? Or if I said I felt like he belonged to me? He was like my faithful shadow, always there for me. More appropriately he was like my echo, always there whenever I called.
…My Echo…
Echo had his arm around my shoulders, my head was again resting on his chest. I had just overcome another bout of waterworks. I sniffed, staring distantly at the white wall that was in front of me. Something suddenly clicked. I was surprised it had taken me a week to work this out, but then again, most of the time I spent in recharge or crying.
"Echo?" I choked, it felt strange to talk. I hadn't spoken in days.
'Yes?' he thought, he knew by now, from spending so much time with me, that I could hear his thoughts; read his mind. He shifted his gaze to me, his optics burning into mine, but today they weren't burning like they usually would though, they were more like softly glowing embers. He was holding something back, something was troubling him. I tried clearing my throat, a form of metallic scab had formed on this inside and it made it a little difficult to speak clearly.
"Are they keeping you in here too?" I rasped.
'No.'
I could feel the confusion on my face. "So you can come and go freely as you wish?"
'Yeah, what are you getting at?'
"Why don't you leave? Why do you stay then?"
He laughed out loud. "Because I want to stay, I do leave sometimes, to get something to eat."
"Where do you recharge?"
'On the floor'
"What?!" I choked, then started actually choking. I must have dislodged a piece of the scab, because I could feel the warm liquid flowing down my throat again. I choked and coughed up a tiny piece of crumpled looking, silver metal. I stood, and wobbled over to the corner, and coughed up a spray of energon on the wall. Echo shot off the bed and was by my side in an instant, rubbing my back and holding me so I didn't fall over.
…My Echo…
My coughing ceased and we went back over to the bed, sitting down again, Echo's arm never left my side.
"Have you heard anything from Ratchet?" I said after a while in silence, staring at the no-longer-completely-white wall. He hesitated, before finally nodding.
"Am I…" I paused, thinking of how to word this so that it didn't upset him too much. "…Am I going to make it out of this?" he gave me a confused look, I sighed, it looked like I was just going to have to put it bluntly. "Am I dying Echo?" he held his breath for a moment, obviously thinking of how to word it delicately. "No sugar-coated-crap please," I said bluntly, "I just need to know what's going on."
He paused for a moment, then decided to tell me, because I would be able to find out anyway, if I decided to read his mind. It was annoying having no secrets kept from you. "Well…Your throat…wasn't the only thing damaged. You had internal damaging as well…to the CPU. It seems Soundwave left you a parting present." He grimaced.
"How bad is it?"
"Well, let's say all these mood swings you've been having weren't just a passing fancy. And in case you had forgotten you don't get PMS any more. If you get a mood swing bad enough, it could potentially kill you." Everything suddenly made sense! This is why I had been crying so much, and gotten so angry lately, "It seems, though, it didn't fully come into effect until after we brought you back here." So my suicide act was just me…nothing else but my own self…
"Am I going to die?" I asked quietly, still trying to piece together all the information I had received.
"Well, Ratchet is working on a program…for some nano-bots. He will put inject them into your system and they should automatically repair any damage to your system. Including your throat hopefully. But…your condition will continue to deteriorate until he can get the program finished." So that made sense, why Ratchet never came and checked up on me. He already knew I was dying so he didn't need to. It was last resort measures.
"So why couldn't I just stay in my own room? Why did he have to keep me here?"
"He wanted to keep an eye on your vital signs." He motioned towards several sticky pads on my arms, legs and neck. This was 2058 so they were a little different to the ones fifty years ago where the sticky-pads had wires on them and were connected to a machine, to monitor your vitals, in hospitals and stuff. These were wireless. I understood everything now, everything made sense, finally. Except one thing.
"So why are you here?"
"Ratchet needed someone to keep an eye on you." He said casually, but I could tell something was up.
"Couldn't Ratchet have kept an eye on me himself?" I motioned towards a security camera in the top right corner of the room.
"Yes, I guess. But he needed someone to look after you. You would get pretty stressed out if you woke up and started crying only to find you were alone, wouldn't you now?"
"He needed? Ratchet doesn't need you to look after me. Ratchet doesn't understand female emotions. I need you to look after me."
"Exactly."
There was a slight pause afterwards. I looked up at him, (damn his excessive height) raising an optic ridge.
"There's more isn't there?" I asked quietly.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He kept his optics fixed on the wall.
"Yes you do. You'd better tell me before I find out for myself."
"I want to stay here."
"I think we've already covered that. But why?" He sighed, pulling me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me, he leaned his head on mine. I shuttered my optics and relaxed into his chest.
"You have no idea how good this feels." He sighed.
"Don't I?" I whispered. I shifted in his arms so that I was facing him, and wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his chest again.
I froze up, suddenly remembering something. The last person who held me like this was Jazz. Tears stung behind my optics and I shuttered them, fighting them back. I squeezed Echo harder, trying to take an edge off the pain, but it bit deeper than that. Had I betrayed him? It sure as hell felt like it, even though he was... I couldn't even think the word.
I wrenched myself out of Echo's grasp and flung myself across the room, staring at him with wide, terrified optics. He gave me a confused look and I ran towards the door, pulling hard on the handle. He was by my side in an instant, thinking this was just another of my mood swings.
He tried pulling me into another of his infinite hugs, but I pushed him away and screamed at him. "Let me go! Get off me!!"
He crushed me into his chest in an attempt to calm me down, I sobbed and cried, unable to escape.
"I-I don't want to betray him…" I choked amidst tears.
"Betray who?" he murmured quietly, he still thought this was because of my mental damage. I admit the theatrics would have been amplified a little but I still had a little control over myself, I actually knew why I was upset this time.
"Jazz." I winced. Images came flooding back to me, the sword sliding out of his body, the two squirts of energon flying out of the back of his head, his body crumpling to the ground. "No! I won't!"
I broke out of his grasp and kicked down the door, putting as much force as I could behind it. I bounded out of the Med Bay and ran down the corridor, Echo following quickly behind me. His longer legs kept him at a good speed, but I never forgot for a second that I was the fastest TF alive. I looked behind me, he wasn't far behind, I felt my spark shudder, for a moment I felt terrified of him.
I snapped my head around and pushed myself faster, running right out of the base. He was still chasing me. What was with him? Couldn't he just leave me alone?
I skidded to a halt when I saw Prowl standing in front of me. I whirled around but he was standing there as well. What the frag? Suddenly there was a sharp pain in the back of my leg, I looked down and saw a shuriken sticking out of my calf and my leg gave way beneath me. I was just about to get re-acquainted with the ground when a set of strong arms caught me. I looked up into Echo's optics and sighed. If I didn't feel like a prisoner before, I sure as hell did now. Except prisoners didn't have kind, caring wardens like Echo.
Echo picked me up and carried me bridal-style along the corridors back to my cell, err, the Med Bay, since I could no longer walk properly. I was surprised at how strong he was actually. But I guess that came with the height and the speed and the good looks…
Wait. WHAT?!
Did I just think what I think I was just thinking? No. No, no, no, no, NO! I can't be falling for Echo! No, I can't! I just tried to escape from the Autobot base just to get away from him and now I think he's hot! Ugh! See, this is why I hate me sometimes… Oh great, now I'm having a conversation to myself about my love life. Wow, not only do I feel crazy but I feel like my own mother. Echo looked down at my confused and slightly annoyed expression and chuckled.
"Having conversations with yourself again?"
"Wouldn't you like to know…" I grumbled, "Wait, what do you mean 'again'? Is it that obvious when I'm talking to myself in my head that you can tell I'm having my own little conversation? Or did some of my mind-reading abilities rub off on you from spending too much time around a mentally deranged person?"
He laughed again, I've never seen him so…exuberant… "None of the above, I just guessed. And you just admitted to having conversations with yourself." He grinned.
"I admit nothing. And there's nothing wrong with having an argument with yourself, it's just when you lose that argument you should start worrying." He chuckled, since when was I so funny to him? "What's got you so high? Most guys would be a little upset that a chick just ran in terror from them, but you take joy from it and you're calling me crazy…"
He grinned again, "Because…you were worried about betraying Jazz, which meant you actually felt something towards me to ignite that feeling, where as if I was just your best friend, you wouldn't feel the need to protect your innocence." I felt my cheek plates growing hot. Dang, now I felt stupid. He had figured my emotions out before I did. "That and the fact that I'm just going to have to try harder." He smirked. I remained silent, though.
When we had reached the Med Bay he took me through the now permanently open doorway, which Ratchet was staring dismally at, as he was to one who was charged with fixing it. The door had been ripped completely off its hinges and was bent around a large dent in the middle, which was coincidentally the shape of my foot. Damn, I must have kicked it hard.
Echo lay me down on the recharge bed and sat next to me, when Ratchet left to get some tools to fix the door he turned to me and asked me a question no one had asked me in a very, very long time.
"I know you're nick name is Grim Reaper, but…I can't help but wonder, what sort of human parent would name their child Grim? What is your real name?" I realised I hadn't even told Jazz that, not because I was hiding my name, just because over the years I had gotten so used to people calling me Grim, I had treated that as my real name. That and he never asked. No one ever did.
I hesitated, for a moment nearly forgetting my own name.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to…"
"No, it's not that, it's just that…well, no one has asked me that in a long time to I guess…well, it sounds silly but, I nearly forgot my own name."
"Do you remember it now?" he asked, a hint of humour in his tone.
"Yes!" I snapped, jokingly, "It's a little strange okay? My full name is Spectre Felicity Vira Hailstrom.
"Well that's a mouthful." He commented.
"I don't remember my parents, and all I remember is my aunt telling me that my mother had seen a ghost in the hospital when I was born…she said it was the ghost of my ancestor, because the spirit looked a lot like me, had my eyes, my chin, and so she was inspired to call me Spectre, after that experience. The teasing I received…most believed my mother was crazy…that was before she threw herself of the building she worked in. I was 3 then."
"I'm sorry." He said quietly.
"Don't worry about it." I said unemotionally, "Can't help what's already dead." I froze up, what did that remind me of?
'If only she felt the same about Jazz…' I heard him think bitterly. I gave him a look of shock and confusion. He suddenly realised what I had heard and gasped.
"Oh! No! That's not what I meant! I'm sorry!" I ignored him, I didn't want to hear it. I felt a couple of tears slide down my face but nothing close to the usual waterworks.
"How long…" I asked, I was staring at the wall with the energon on it again; my voice was hard and emotionless.
"What?"
"How long until Ratchet finishes the program?"
"Two more days, at least." I sighed, I was sick of this stupid emotional rollercoaster. I wasn't angry with Echo. I knew he was right. I couldn't mourn over Jazz forever. I couldn't stay faithful to someone who wasn't even alive anymore. I felt Echo's arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I didn't try to escape this time. I rested my head again on his solid chest. He was probably the only one in this whole base that didn't think I was crazy. And then here I was using him like a tissue; always at my disposal. I shifted myself around in his arms so that I was straddling his lap and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling his body towards me in a tight hug.
"Thank you." I whispered, a couple more tears escaping my optics.
"What for?" he murmured quietly.
"Just being here for me, thanks." I whispered back, "I don't think I would have survived this without you. If there's any way I can repay you…"
"Well, there is one way…" I could hear the smile behind his voice. I pulled away so I could look him in the face, suspicion creeping over me.
"And what's that?"
He tapped his cheek with a mischievous smile, indicating what he wanted. I hesitated, then sighed and leaned forward, repeating in my mind that it was only on the cheek like a mantra. My lips were about to connect with his cheek when he spun his face around so that they connected with his lips, sending shock surging through my body and I pulled backwards quickly.
"Can't blame me for trying" he shrugged, a smile still on his face.
"Yes. Yes, I can."
He sighed, "You could loosen up a little, then it would be easier for both of us. I'm not going to give up, you realise."
"I know, but my boyfriend only just died a week ago and you're expecting me to kiss you?"
"I expect nothing." He said simply, 'just hope…' I heard him think. Is he doing that on purpose or does he just forget that I can hear his thoughts?
He laughed when I made a face and I slid off his lap. Now it just felt awkward.
"I can see this is going to take time." He said, a hint of regret in his voice.
I lay back down on the recharge bed and he got the message, slipping off and taking his seat in the corner of the room.
I shuttered my optics and tried to imagine what life would be like right now if Jazz were here. I would have actually kissed him for one thing. I imagined everything that had happened so far, with one small difference, every time Echo came into my memories I replaced him with Jazz. I imagined me kissing Jazz for the last time and I smiled. But then the image of Jazz started to fade away and I found myself staring at an image of me kissing Echo, I wonder what that would be like… My optics unshuttered themselves quickly and I shot upright. Echo looked over at me, worry spreading across his features.
That last thought was echoing through my head, bouncing around and stinging my audio receptors.
I wonder what that would be like…
Jazz wasn't around any more…he would want me to be happy, right?
"Echo? Could you come here for a sec…" he stood and came over, sitting next to me on the recharge bed.
"What is it?"
"I-I just want to try something…" I murmured shakily. He gave me a confused look and I cupped his cheek in my hand, pulling his face slowly closer to mine. He got the message and shuttered his optics, I did the same and my whole body was wracked with tingles when his lips met mine in a friendly, but passionate, how-do-you-do.
I felt his lips moving slowly, softly against mine, I marvelled at the sensation. Why did it feel so right when it was supposed to be so wrong? There was an urge deep within me for more, I wanted more from him, it was insane and crazy and I didn't even know why or where it was coming from. I guess it must have built up over time, without Jazz around, I guess I just needed someone else to love me, love, such a strange, fickle thing. Something of which I apparently cannot survive without. I deepened the kiss, and he went with it happily. He pulled me onto his lap and I turned my body so that I was facing his, my legs straddling his lap. I could tell he was enjoying this, he was finally getting what he wanted, and for once I wasn't so reluctant about it. I wrapped my arms around his neck allowing no escape, but somehow I could tell he wasn't going anywhere even if he could escape. I felt his arms circle around my waist and he gently pulled me closer to him, he didn't want to push me too far but he didn't know. He didn't know that I did. Time to give him a couple of hints.
I ran my glossa along his lower lip, begging entrance, he let me in and I explored him, every part of his mouth that I could reach, my glossa tangled with his and our mouths mashed into each other. Yet he was still reluctant to push me further. Damn, is it just me or is this boy slow today? More hints.
I pulled my mouth away from his, desperate for a breather. He looked down into my optics, a warm smile spreading across his face, I melted. I pulled him into a tight hug, I felt every curve of me crush into him, yet I wanted to pull him tighter, I wanted him so close to me that he would never leave my side, not even for a second, I wouldn't be able to bear that. I didn't want to lose anyone else, I had already been through that grief once, and I don't think I would be able to survive it a second time.
"Satisfied?" his velvet voice broke through my thoughts. I didn't know what he meant until I remembered what the last thing I said was. I just want to try something…wow, I must have sounded idiotic.
"No" I breathed into his audio receptors, "Not yet. More." Was all I could say before I started dropping kisses along his jaw-line and up his cheeks. He finally got it! He finally put two and two together and got…well, four. The click was so obvious it was almost audible. All reluctance disappeared altogether and a mischievous smile spread across his face. Yes!
Suddenly I wasn't the one in control, suddenly he was the one making the moves and I was sitting back and enjoying the ride. He pressed his lips to the side of my neck right under my chin and I shivered with delight as he ran them up and down from just under my jaw to the crook of my neck. I felt my spark whirring faster and my breathing increased quickly when he went from the crook of my neck to where my collar bone would be. The top of his head pushed my chin up and I let my head fall back, I still had my arms wrapped around his neck and I sure as hell wasn't letting go now. His lips started dipping lower and lower. Then he stopped and pressed his head to my chest and listened to my spark whirring.
"Echo-"
"Shh!"
He seemed fascinated by the sound, engulfed in it. Only then did I realise something.
Why was Ratchet taking so long?
A hand slid its way up my neck and settled behind my head, pulling my face into his. Before I could deny him access his glossa snaked its way into my mouth, learning all the caves and indents and every tiny thing by memory. His other hand was still holding me by the small of my back and my arms were tangled behind his neck. I leaned backwards, pulling him down with me. He balanced out his weight around me, with his hands either side of my head and his knees either side of my hips. He stared down into my optics, his expression, or rather, the mix of expressions I could read in his optics swirling around like mist. Joy, eagerness, lust, mischief, warmth and one I felt like I hadn't seen in years. Love.
Love.
I felt like I could cry, just to know that I was loved again, by someone, it just made me feel…complete…
But something wasn't quite complete, I ached for more, I wanted him, every part of him. I felt that it wasn't just selfish want, I needed him. And I knew I needed him now.
I moved my arms from behind his neck to a little lower down his back and gave a hard tug, making him fall on top of me, I wanted him as close as he could get. I crushed him into me in a tight hug but not tight enough to hurt him. I whispered into his audio receptor as I felt a tear roll down my face,
"Don't ever leave me. Please." I pleaded, my voice shuddering.
'I won't, I promise.' He thought to me, and I knew he meant it.
"OH PRIMUS! THE SECOND TIME!! THIS IS THE SECOND TIME!!" someone screeched from the doorway, Echo rolled off of me, but sat by my side, he squeezed my hand to let me know he wasn't going anywhere. I sat up and saw Bumblebee standing in the (now permanently open) doorway, a look of horror and disgust on his face. "Twice today…Twice…" he whimpered, falling to his knees and banging his head on the doorframe, trying to rid himself of the images of us making out and God knows what else he'd seen.
"What are you rambling about, Bee?" Echo asked dryly, obviously pissed that shorty interrupted our -cough- together time. Aww, how sweet…
Bee stuck out his glossa in disgust. "Acheron and Ratchet were interfacing in the hanger at the Air Force base… it's a lot worse because, you know, Ratchet is sooo old…and then you two in here…at least Echo isn't like your grandpa." He muttered that last line before sulking off down the corridor.
Ah, so that's what's been keeping Ratchet. Hah, I hope he had fun…I thought teasingly.
I looked back at Echo after we regained some privacy. "Now, where were we?"
He raised an optic ridge suggestively, "Oh, I think I have an idea."
oOo
I wrapped my leg over him as my arms were locked behind his neck at he kissed me passionately, I groaned when he grinded his hips into mine, this was probably the best I had ever felt.
Suddenly Ratchet burst into the room, panting and shaking, he looked pale… like he had seen a ghost or something.
Echo wrenched his mouth from mine and shot Ratchet a look of annoyance. Obviously doors were compulsory if we were to have any privacy.
"Acheron is dead!" he wailed, I froze, before practically throwing Echo off me and leaping off the berth, grabbing Ratchet by the shoulders and lifting his off the ground a few inches.
"What?" I demanded menacingly. This better be a joke, just some sick, twisted joke. Else the son of a bitch whose fault it is will die.
"She's dead…" he sobbed.
"CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING!?!" I screamed. I could feel the red clawing and the edges of my vision. No, No I can do this calmly, I will not go black. I can do this, just push it away, don't go black. Fight it!
"No…" he whispered. Dammit! He is so pathetic! "Her…her spark, it's-it's broken"
I took in deep breaths, trying to stay calm. If I went black I would probably kill him, and that would do me no good.
"What. Do. You. Mean. It's. Broken?" I hissed, saying each word slowly and as calmly as I could, although I could feel my grip tightening on his shoulders.
"I mean it's torn! Damaged beyond repair! She's gone." The last two words struck home and felt like they echoed through my head, bouncing off the walls and resounding over and over again.
She's gone…
She's gone…
She's gone…
She's gone…
She's really, truly gone…
I started shaking, my breaths coming out in weak, ragged gasps, I dropped Ratchet to the floor and I felt like everything was slipping away from me, the room started turning sideways and I crumpled to my knees. Echo ran over and held my shoulders, shaking me gently and trying to pull me back to reality. The red started clawing at my vision again, almost like real claws, leaving scratches behind, which faded after a little bit, but then the claws would come back and tear open the wound a little more.
Echo's words suddenly came flying back to me.
If you get a mood swing bad enough, it could potentially kill you…
But I didn't care any more. I was going to die anyway, the damage had been done.
"Who did it? Whose fault was it?!" I yelled, the room started swaying even more, for a moment I was sure I saw two Ratchets.
"Mine…" he whispered, staring at the floor ashamedly. The red got even brighter, so much so that it stung my vision, so I shuttered my optics and breathed in deeply.
"Run. Run now." I said dangerously calmly, "Run as far away from this place as you can, because if I live through this, I promise I will kill you. I will hunt you down and kill you." My voice shuddered at that last sentence and I felt a sharp pain in my head, my optics shot open just in time for my optics to off-line, the glow faded from them and my body crumpled in Echo's arms.