The following day went better than Edd had hoped. Matthew had left around 9 am that morning and told his parents that he would be at the bar. If Edd's own calculations were correct, Matthew would be back between 5 pm and 1 am, depending on what type of alcohol he consumed and how much alcohol the man consumed at the bar. Eddy's parents had to travel out of state due to an emergency. The couple was pretty vague over what the emergency was about, other than the fact that they received a phone call at four in the morning. Edd found it odd that the couple had to leave on such short notice, but he was used to something like that from his own parents.
Eddy and Edd had the day to themselves. Being the Marlon Brando fan that he is, Eddy decided that watching the Godfather would be a great way to pass the time. While Edd found the movie to be a high quality masterpiece, he could've done without seeing the scene with the decapitated bloody horse head in the bed. Eddy also did a pretty spot-on Marlon Brando impersonation during certain scenes in the movie.
After the movie was over, Edd and Eddy went to look for Ed. Once again, it was the same story. Ed went over to his girlfriends' house and would not be back until sunset. As expected, Eddy yelled out his frustration over Ed "choosing pussy" over them and went on a tirade over the situation. Eddy's voice was loud enough to damage someone's eardrum or possibly even enough to shatter a window. Then again, that was nothing new. Eddy's voice had been deafening ever since Edd first met him. Edd tried to placate Eddy before one of their neighbors turned in another noise compliant on Eddy.
That was something that had happened before. Of course, being the hothead that he is, Eddy exacerbated the situation by yelling even louder at the various houses on the block, in front of the police officer that was questioning him nonetheless, "Oh, I'm being too loud for this cul-de-sac of suckers, huh? How's this for loud!" Eddy spent a day at the Peach Creek juvenile detention center for disturbing the peace.
The rest of the evening was spent eating dinner and watching reruns of Tales of the Crypt on one of the TV channels. The show was one of Ed's favorites. Eddy hated to admit it, but things were kind of dull without Ed around to destroy something or to talk his ear off about some nonsensical B-rated horror flick.
At the end of the day, the two both took their showers and fell asleep. Edd was awoken to the sound of tires screeching near the house. Edd dismissed the sound to drag racers, which was a common occurrence in the cul-de-sac during the spring and summer seasons. He dosed off and was awoken the second time that night to the weight of someone's arm pressed against the middle of his spine and to Eddy screaming, "Hey Monobrow, go sleep on the couch!"
One whiff of the person that was squishing them revealed that the person was not Ed. The person wore cologne and reeked of alcohol. "Ed-Eddy, that's not Ed." Edd quickly got rolled off of the bed. Eddy rolled over onto the floor a second later. The room was too dark to make out the person's facial features. Edd picked up Jim and defensively pointed it at the sleeping person. Eddy went towards his pole lamp and pulled on the switch. The sudden light in the room blinded the two for a second, but they were able to see who the intruder was. "It was just my brother!"
Edd sat down his cactus and sighed a breath of relief, "well, that's a relief! I was almost certain that an intruder had broken into your home and was planning on bidding and gagging us."
"I'm going to bid and gag you if you don't shut up for five seconds!" Eddy replied, sourly, "Matthew rode here drunk and that would mean – the van!" Eddy ran outside to check on his van. Edd ran behind Eddy to assess the damage that Matthew might have caused during his drive home. The purple van that was out front was untouched much to Eddy's relief. However, the lawn and back fence was completely destroyed.
"It appears that while your brother was driving home intoxicated, he driven through the Lane haphazardly until he reached his destination." Edd was examining the scene.
"Hey Einstein, I can tell that just from looking at my backyard!" Eddy examined his backyard, already thinking about how much hell his parents were going to raise over it. "It's a wonder how he wasn't pulled over by the cops. Thank god the van was parked out front."
"Eddy, we may need to rest inside the van tonight," Edd yawned, "your brother is most likely going to remain in a drunken stupor for the rest of the evening."
"Like hell we are!" Eddy retorted.
"Eddy, where are we supposed to sleep?"
"That's simple; we'll just sleep in my brother's bed." Eddy led Double D back into his room. Eddy grabbed the half gallon bottle of vodka that was in his brother's hand. "-And this would cover the amount of work us two would have to put in the yard before my parents get home."
"That's actually pretty reasonable of you. May I do you the honors of dumping that poison down the sink where it belongs?"
Any hope that Edd had of Eddy being the more responsible sibling was quickly dashed, "Are you nuts? We're going to split this bad boy!" Eddy lifted up the bottle, to show Edd how much alcohol still was in the bottle. Eddy's brother had already drunk half of the bottle.
"Eddy! I doubt either one of us are capable of meeting even a tenth of your brother's alcohol tolerance. Even so, it's against the law for us to drink before our 21st birthday!" Edd tried to explain.
"So?" Eddy led Edd to his brother's room, "we'll both be fine! I won't let anything bad happen to you. Besides, our parents have been drinking this stuff on New Year's Eve for years. C'mon, Double D! It wouldn't be fun if I drank this stuff alone."
"Resorting to peer pressure, Eddy?" Edd asked with a bit of humor in his voice. Double D stepped into Matthew's room with Eddy following close behind him. Edd sat on the waterbed and watched Eddy sit the vodka bottle down on the nightstand.
"Did I convince you to drink with me yet?" Eddy asked, flashing a cocksure smirk.
"I suppose you did," Edd admitted in defeat. Edd could not shake the feeling that he had lost something else in the room the night before besides his hat, but he could not place his finger on what it was that he lost.
Eddy searched the room, "my bro's shot glasses have to be around here somewhere." Eddy searched around the room and started to search the box that his brother threatened him over. Edd glanced around for a different item; his hat. He saw no trace of the hat that Eddy's brother stole from him.
"Eddy, Matthew threatened you over that box," Edd warned.
"He won't find out," Eddy began to open the box. Edd imagined that this was how the legend of Pandora's jar played out. Pandora looked at the jar with extreme fascination, hardly concealing her inquisitiveness while whoever was there to witness the event watched in trepidation of what might happen after the jar was opened. He tried to once again to tell Eddy that opening the box would be a bad idea, but the larger teen brushed him off.
He had a strange feeling that whatever was in that box would have some kind of consequences. Eddy's brother wanted to keep whatever contents in the box a secret from them and anyone else. Edd's mind started racing at the thought of what Matthew could be trying to hide. Could that box contain drugs that Matthew briefly mentioned that he was thinking about selling? More macabre thoughts filled his imagination of Eddy's brother killing a kid at Mondo A-Go Go and stuffing their body into the box. `Oh, you should be ashamed of yourself! That's completely irrational, Eddward!' He chastised himself.
Edd stopped Eddy from opening the box again by telling him what happened the night before. He spared Eddy no detail of Matthew telling him about his voyeuristic habits toward Ed's mother and his mother and about the man pinning him down and stealing his hat. Eddy only nodded as he took the information in. "He's probably just pulling your leg," Eddy dismissed what Edd told him and opened the box while Edd yanked down the sides of his hat, a nervous habit he had since he was a small child. "Jackpot!" Eddy yelled enthusiastically.
Inside of the box were pornographic magazines and movies. Eddy began taking out the magazines. Edd pulled a pair of rubber gloves out and dug through the contents of the box. There were plenty of items that Edd didn't want to think about what their exact purpose was. His eyes fell upon a set of shot glasses, "I found those glasses you were looking for." Eddy was engrossed in one of the "Tattooed Babes" magazines. Edd dug a bit and pulled out three hospital certificates that look like copies of birth certificates. He dug through the rest of the box, not finding much else of interest to him.
Edd opened one of the birth certificates. "E-Eddy! Come look at this."
Eddy put down the magazine he was reading and crouched down near Edd. "What'cha got there?"
Edd smiled at Eddy warmly and showed him, "you're an uncle, Eddy!" Edd gave him the birth certificate and read the next one. Eddy looked over the birth certificate of `Bonnie Michelle McGee.' Eddy started to tear up. The thought of being an uncle and teaching his best tricks to scam anyone out of their money to the little girl that would be five years old filled him with overwhelming emotion. He didn't even know the little girl yet but he already wanted to get to know her more.
"Are you crying, Eddy?" Edd asked, peering over the birth certificate at him.
"No, Sockhat!" Eddy lied, "I just have something in my eye." Eddy rubbed his eyes and read more of the birth certificate. The mother of Bonnie was five years younger than Matthew. Edd handed Eddy the birth certificate of `Danielle Antoinette McGee.' Danielle was also five years old. Danielle was another case of Matthew knocking up someone that he possibly was not married to, except the mother in this case was 10 years older than Matthew was. The last birth certificate was for an 'Edna Rachael McGee.' "Another Ed," Eddy mused. Unlike the previous two, Edna's mother was almost the same age as Matthew and the little girl was only three years old.
"Congratulations Eddy!" Edd patted Eddy's shoulder, "I'm sure you're going to be a great uncle to these young girls."
"Yeah, I am about to. Aren't I?" Eddy tried to keep himself from tearing up again. He was hoping that his brother wouldn't be a dick and actually arrange for the girls to meet the family. However, Eddy couldn't easily see that happening. "I think this is worth a celebration, don't you?"
"Sure, Uncle Eddy!" Edd snickered, getting a wet rag from the kitchen to wipe the shot glasses with. Once the shot glasses were wiped down, Edd poured vodka for him and Eddy, knowing that he would regret this night in the morning. Eddy was still snooping through his brother's magazines, abandoning the `Tattoo Babes' magazine in the pile.
"What is this?" Edd leaned over Eddy and seen what appeared to be a picture of two men engaged in a sexual act on the magazine.
"It's called a homosexual pornographic magazine, Eddy." Edd replied, sarcastically.
"I knew that, smartass!" Eddy snapped, "What's a whole stack of them doing in my brother's stuff? He's not gay."
"Eddy, denial is usually the first step to acceptance," Edd explained, "people view pornography of what tantalizes their sexual arousal. I doubt your brother would have that many gay magazines for the sake of sophomoric humor. I know it may be hard to accept that a member of your family is gay or in Matthew's case, bisexual, but-"
"I don't have a problem with gay people," Eddy replied, "it's just that my brother would've told me if he was."
"There are a lot of things that your brother has kept you in the dark about."
"Tch, whatever," Eddy brushed the magazines off of the bed, "are we going to start drinking or what? I don't wanna wait until I'm a hundred to have my first drink."
"Patience, Eddy." Edd handled Eddy a shot glass and held his own. Both shot glasses contained a hologram of a laughing skull. "A fitting touch to disregarding my own good health, I suppose." Edd observed Eddy greedily swallowed the clear liquid with great difficulty. Edd followed suit and poured the vodka into his own mouth. The strong taste of alcohol overwhelmed his taste buds and burned his throat as Edd swallowed the bitter liquid down. If Edd had to imagine what poison probably tasted like, he would imagine that it would've tasted like the bitter liquid he just consumed. "That tasted awful!"
"No kidding," Eddy replied, "I'm starting to feel it though."
"I'm starting to feel the side effects from the alcohol as well," Edd admitted. The books he read on the subject of alcohol all point to the social effects of alcohol which is the main reason for drug's popularity. Edd started to feel more relaxed and social. After a few more shots, Edd felt his inhibitions started to lower. The room felt too hot for the skinnier teen, so he removed his own shirt without the least bit of modesty, something that he would not have done sober. Eddy also sung a drunken impromptu version of Iron Butterfly's `In a Gadda Da Vida.' That song was one of the few songs someone can sing completely drunk and still sound like they're singing the song correctly.
Eddy and Edd spent almost an hour, chatting like they haven't seen each other for years. The teens didn't care if they would remember the conversations when the morning came. They dissolved into laughter, took more shots of alcohol, and even busted out some random dance moves – which ended in them slipping on some magazines and falling. They laughed as both of them failed to even lift themselves up off the ground without falling. This must be what Ed feels like on a daily basis.
Edd found him leaning over Eddy as another attempt to stand up had failed. Edd's hormones and intoxicated state took over any rational thought that kissing his best friend while he was drunk would a bad idea. He brushed his lips against Eddy's chapped ones. His heart fluttered at the contact with the other teen. Kissing him felt so wrong, but felt so right at the same time. The other teen didn't protest against the action and rested his hand against Edd's cheek.
After a minute, Edd withdrew his lips from Eddy's. "We probably should try to get up and try to get some sleep where it's more comfortable." Eddy nodded. They were finally able get themselves up off of the floor. Eddy wrapped his arm around his friend's waist, walking the other towards the bed. Once they both got to the bed, they flopped down on the mattress drunkenly and passed out.
A/N: If you look closely enough at the names of Eddy's three nieces, you'll realize that the names of the girls (except for Edna's first name) come from the names of the staff members of the show. Also, the idea that Eddy would be a proud, doting uncle comes from the `Ed in a Halfshell' episode.