Matthew couldn't even begin to describe the Eds' behavior. They acted like a bumbling, comedy trio. One of them would do something to annoy the other and the other would chase them around Eddy's room. Was this how close friends are supposed to interact? Most of the friends Matthew had growing up were fair-weathered friends and people he used to get free stuff out of. Matthew hated to admit it, but he was kind of envious at the bond the Eds shared.
Edd fussed over Ed and Eddy. Both of them laid on the ground after Ed pounced on Eddy from the disco ball in room. Ed was reenacting a scene from a horror movie where a Gorgon dropped from a ceiling and attacked an unsuspecting couple in the movie. Matthew guessed that Ed didn't mean to hurt Eddy and was too lost in his own world to consider the consequences of his actions, but he could care less about what the big lug was trying to do.
The seemingly innocent scene in front of him was undeniably arousing. Edd was on his knees, checking his friends for broken bones and propping their heads up against pillows that he recently fluffed. Both of the boys have been knocked out. Edd patted their cheeks lightly, trying to get them conscious. After that, Edd went to presumably get ice packs.
Smirking, Matthew went into one of the broom closets of the house and got out the bottle of Armenian hot sauce. He was surprised that it was still in the same spot that he had hid it after all of these years. Edd was filling a bag with ice when Matthew passed by with hot sauce jug in hand. The teen was too busy to notice Matthew walking by. When Matthew had returned to the room, the two Eds were still unconscious in the middle of the floor.
He leaned over the boys and untwisted the cap of the hot sauce bottle, "Still unconscious, huh? Well, bottom's up, boys!" He tilted Eddy's chin down and poured the spicy liquid into Eddy's mouth. The hot sauce dribbled down his chin. Matthew also poured some into Ed's mouth and closed the bottle afterward. "I guess you two aren't fakin' it." Matthew cackled and shoved the hot sauce under Eddy's bed.
Edd returned back to the room a minute later with two bags of ice. Matthew sat on Eddy's bed, bored out of his mind. He could think of a million things that he would rather be doing than watching the two Eds lay on the ground like two bumps on a log, even though he got to see Edd bent over the two teens. "Shouldn't you be calling 9-1-1 for your boyfriend and Cheesehead?"
"If they're not conscious within the next three minutes I will." Edd placed the bags on ice on their heads to get the swelling down. He noticed a red liquid poured down Eddy's lips. Edd gathered the liquid using his first two fingers and inspected the liquid closely. He knew that liquid anywhere. Back when they were 12, Eddy had the great idea to create a taco stand where the tacos were made from paper plates, orange crayon shavings, weeds, and a certain special ingredient which Edd drank, a lapse in judgment on his part. That horrible ingredient was like liquid fire in his mouth. Edd has yet to taste anything that spicy since then. He wasn't sure how it rated on the Scoville scale, but Edd was sure it ranked higher than Bhut Jolokia, or as they're commonly known, ghost peppers. Eddy's brother's Armenian hot sauce might as well be renamed the hot sauce from hell.
"You rapscallion! Does this look like the time for one of your insidious pranks?" Edd snapped at the owner of the hot sauce. Edd searched the room for the old "Canadian squirt guns" that Eddy still had in his closet. After finding them, Edd used them to suck the hot sauce out of his friend's mouths. "They could've drowned on your hot sauce!"
"I haven't heard of anyone drowning on hot sauce, especially on my homemade Carolina Reaper hot sauce recipe. The trick is to find the proper mix of spices to give the Carolina Reaper sauce a little kick instead of subtracting from the pepper's already powerful taste." Matthew boasted, watching Edd remove one of Ed's shoes. He noticed that Edd was getting green in the face from the smell of the shoe. Unfortunately for Matthew, he could smell the foul odor from the shoe where he was sitting. Edd dangled the shoe in front of Eddy's nose. "My horrible pranks, huh? At least I'm not trying to destroy Pipsqueak's sense of smell."
Edd shot the man a look and turned his attention back to Eddy. Eddy slowly regained consciousness and squealed when he seen Ed's shoe in front of him, "What the hell, Sockhead! Are you trying to kill me?"
The teen could only giggle as a response, thankful that Eddy didn't need to go to the emergency room. He held the shoe to Ed's nose. Ed regained consciousness as well after several seconds. The tallest teen of the trio looked around the room and grinned. He and Eddy were back to normal.
"Hi guys! What did I miss?" Ed asked.
"Your brain and my sense of smell," Eddy replied, sarcastically. Ed only laughed as a response to the statement. Suddenly the hot sauce began its torture on Eddy's mouth. His face turned bright red and his eyes watered.
"Ed, you and Eddy fell unconscious when you pounced on him during one of your reenactments of your favorite horror movies." Edd explained.
"Cool!" Ed said. Ed's and Eddy's faces turned as red as the peppers the hot sauce was made from and ran out screaming for water. Edd could hear Matthew roaring with laughter as he rushed out after them, "fellas, I can get you a glass of milk."
Ed had the garden hose in his mouth, sucking at the rushing water. Eddy hovered over Ed, batting at his hands, "quit hogging the hose, Lumpy!" Eddy turned to Edd, "great practical joke, Sockhead! It's not as if I needed my sense of taste and smell! I've got a special prank stored for you just you wait."
"Eddy, I was not the one that put hot sauce in your mouth or Ed's," Edd tried to explain.
A few hours later, they found themselves outside of the video store. One of the Eds in particular was hopping up and down with excitement. Ed placed his face against the glass and looked eagerly at the horror movie section. "Only one rule while you three are in here, don't embarrass the fuck out of me! Also, this will the only time I pay for pizzas and movies. Don't expect it to become a habit."
"Sure, bro!" Eddy nodded. Ed was first one in the store, browsing every single movie that was in the section. Eddy headed to another part of the store. The documentary section looked promising to the bookish sixteen year old. Edd picked up every documentary in the store, scanning over the movie descriptions. "This documentary would be suitable for a movie night." The history of Ancient Rome, a time of great technological and cultural advancements, was perfect for a movie night.
"Hey, Double D, did you pick out a movie yet?" Eddy and Ed were behind him with movies in their hands. The cover of Ed's movie shown a demon consuming a plantation house and Eddy's shown a scantily clad woman armed with handguns.
"Yes, I suppose," Edd nodded, showing them the movie he had gotten. Edd took the movies from his friends' hands and examined them. "I hate to be the bearer of bad business, but you can't purchase these movies."
"Why the hell not?" Eddy asked.
"It's rated R, Eddy," Edd stated, "You'll just have to wait a year before you see them."
"It's not fair!" Ed complained, "I really want to see the movie, Double D!"
Eddy growled in frustration and turned to the movie Edd picked out, "Ha! Looks like you're not getting your movie either!"
"Impossible!" The movie was shoved in his face where he seen the rating of the documentary: It was rated R, "the gall of the Motion Picture Association of America! Equalizing an educational documentary with mindless trash! I suppose I'll have to find another movie to watch."
"Hold on there, Sockhead." Eddy then started whispering to them, "we can always get my brother to rent the movies for us."
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Edd cautioned, "I doubt your brother's actions are out of genuine brotherly affection. I think he's doing it in an attempt to gain something from the experience. We should prevent ourselves from being in that man's debt."
"But Double D!" Ed whined, "Monster movie!"
"You worry too much, Sockhead," Eddy grabbed all three movies and went looking for his brother.
"What's the use of trying to instill logic in those two," Edd mumbled, following Eddy and Ed around the store. The twenty four year old was chatting up the cashier. The fact that he was being flirtatious was pretty obvious to everyone, but the cashier – and maybe Ed. Matthew seen them coming and waved. "Are you three done yet?"
"Yeah, bro," Eddy handed his brother the three movies.
Matthew looked over the movies, "Attack of the Incubus, Confessions of a Stripper, and Ancient Rome: The Complete History. Alright." Matthew didn't even need to ask which Ed rented which movie. It was pretty obvious just from the titles alone. He checked out all three of the movies without a word.
"Use a paper plate," Edd chided his friends who grabbed the first two slices. Matthew had picked up the pizzas after they had left the video store. It helped to have a pizzeria near the video store. Two pizza boxes sat on top of the coffee table. One was a cheeseless meat pizza with green peppers and onions and the other was a pizza with everything on it.
Ed ate his slice of pizza in two bites, "this reminds me of the zombie apocalypse movie where the survivors locked themselves in a mall and survived on pizza from one of the restaurants."
"Careful, Ed. You'll burn your mouth," Edd grabbed a slice and gingerly took a bit, sitting it on his plate. "Where are my matters? Thank you Matthew for your generosity." Even though Edd didn't trust the intentions of the man, he couldn't discourteous to him.
"Not a problem," Matthew replied, taking a bite a cheeseless pizza.
"Thanks bro," Eddy replied, yelping when Ed ate the pizza out of his hand like a hungry piranha, "Ed, you pig! That was my slice of pizza!"
"Hey Eddy, why is there a pizza with no cheese on it?" Ed asked.
"Because my brother can't have cheese, Ed." Eddy replied, grabbing another slice from the pizza with everything on it. Eddy turned to Edd, "Geez, Double D, you're such a girl!"
"I beg your pardon, Eddy?"
"Diet soda with pizza? Only chicks drink that stuff!" Eddy teased, "I'm surprised you didn't want a salad to go with that."
Edd took a sip out of his soda, "I didn't want to consume a lot of sugar before bed, Eddy."
They watched Ed's horror movie first. The movie was about six cousins who visited a plantation house that they inherited. The cousins decided to stay in different rooms of the house for the weekend to decide if the house was worth keeping. An incubus had begun attacking the cousins one by one, seducing and sleeping with its victim before the victim's death and then consuming them, until only half of the cousins survived. The plot twist of the movie was that their grandfather was a warlock that purposely summoned the incubus and made a deal with it that he would give the thing his own grandchildren in exchange for material wealth.
"That thing should be summoned to the Kanker house!" Eddy joked in the middle of the movie.
Ed gave his friend an uncharacteristic scowl, "that's not funny, Eddy!"
"What's with you?" Ed didn't answer Eddy's question and turned back to the movie. Edd found the movie to be disturbing to say the least. After the movie was over, Eddy wanted to watch the one he picked out next. To Edd's surprise, Matthew remained quiet during the last movie, only chuckling at the victim's stupidity during the chase scenes. Ed fell asleep ten minutes into Eddy's movie.
Eddy's movie was about a stripper, obviously. The movie was an urban drama about a stripper who made a few dangerous enemies. Just like with Ed's movie, Eddy's movie had too many sex scenes for Edd's taste. A plotline revolving around money, check. A busty stripper protagonist with loose sex morals, check. Excessive gun violence, check. The movie was definitely right up Eddy's alley. Then it was time to watch Edd's movie. Five minutes into the documentary, Eddy had fallen asleep, leaving Edd alone to watch his documentary in peace.
Halfway through, Edd felt someone sit behind him. Their chest pressed against his back. Their arms were wrapped around his midsection. Their chin rested upon his shoulder. He didn't need to turn his head to know exactly who was behind him. "Matthew, what are you doing?"
"I'm just watching the documentary with you," Edd could feel the man's warm breath on his cheek, "looks like Cheesehead and Pipsqueak fell asleep on you. That's too bad!"
Edd shivered as he tried to remain calm. His mind raced, thinking of what the man had planned this time. He was torn between wanting to wake up Edd and Eddy and not wanting to. If Ed and Eddy woke up, they would have seen Eddy's brother wrapped around him like a snake squeezing its' prey and rescue him from the man's grip. However, that possibility was a double edged sword. They would've seen the predicament that he was in and probably assume the worst. "Get your hands off of me."
"Play nice, Princess. I still know your secret." Edd felt Matthew rubbing lazy circles on his stomach, "besides, how will Pipsqueak react to the thought of his best friend wanting his dick and seducing his older brother."
"The latter never happened!" Edd gritted his teeth, adrenaline rushing through his veins, He never been more ready to slap Matthew than he was at that moment. If he left, physically assaulted the man, or refused the man, his secret would've been exposed. He had to do something and chose to do the worst possible thing that he could've chosen in the situation.
He turned himself around and threw himself at Matthew. He forced his lips upon the man's and moaned into the kiss. He wanted to express his irritation at the man and choose to do it in the worst possible way. Despite his intentions being to kiss the man quickly as possible, he still moaned quietly. He silently cursed his own hormones for the millionth time since he had become a teenager.
Matthew set Edd on the ground, not breaking the kiss. The man got on top of him. Edd looked around, anxiously, hoping that the only people he had left in Peach Creek did not witness him lose his morals in such a way. Matthew's tongue darted out, demanding entrance into his own mouth. Edd complied in a haze of confused pleasure to the older man's advances. The strange thing was that this was the first time he's ever been French kissed. Marie Kanker was always content at just covering his face with regular kisses. The couple of times he had been kissed by Eddy were not French kisses either. Besides the drunken kiss that they shared recently, Eddy had kissed him once when they were both twelve. Of course, their first kiss was the result of Eddy being blackmailed by Kevin over his middle name, but a kiss was still a kiss, regardless.
Matthew had finally pulled away, grinning, "It's always the nice ones that are so willing, I swear. You did well, Girlfriend."
Edd's heart sank as he lifted himself from the ground. The guilt from what he had done sank in. He allowed the man to kiss him again – a kiss that he had started nonetheless. He allowed the man to stick his tongue inside of his mouth. He wished there was a way to reverse what had happened, but knew that there was no way to take back what he had done. The worst part was that experience felt pleasant to him. He noticed that Matthew had left the room after he was finished. He eyed his friends' sleeping forms guiltily and watched the rest of the documentary in an attempt to take his mind off of everything.