The Journal Chapter 2
Maria carried the heavy and bulky shopping bags into the kitchen and placed them on the bench with a thud.
"Mother, I do wish you'd let me help you," Gretl complained as she followed behind her, hand on her oversized stomach.
"Nonsense, darling. You're going to have this baby any day now; you can't be carrying heavy shopping bags."
"Oh I know, but I remember when you were pregnant with both my younger brother and sister, you never stopped doing anything!"
Maria laughed. "Yes, I was pretty stubborn, wasn't I? It drove your father crazy with frustration." At the mention of Georg, Maria smiled wistfully. It had been just over a year since his death and at times, the pain she felt at losing him was still as raw as it had been on the day he'd died.
Finding Georg's journals on the day of his funeral the previous year had been such a source of deep comfort to her. She had read them over and over until she knew each word by heart. They had made her feel so close to him, and gave her the strength to carry on. But as time went on, she began to feel something different. As each day passed, it as another day further away from him, another day away from the last time she'd held him, talking to him, kissed him, loved him and it was creating a feeling of hollow emptiness inside her.
The days were fine: she always kept herself busy either around the house or with various children or grandchildren, but the nights were terrible. Being alone in their big bed, she usually lay for hours awake, missing the sensation of her husband's arms around her. She had come to sleeping in Georg's old pajamas and every night she still rubbed a small amount of cologne on them, inhaling the deep scent that reminded her of Georg, and missing his dreadfully. As she lay awake each night, she would get out Georg's letter to her, the one he wrote for her years ago on the eve of their wedding, but only found on the night of his funeral. His final words touching her heart and giving her the peace to finally roll over and let sleep take her.
Gretl watched her mother's reflective expression carefully. "You still miss him don't you?" Gretl said as more of a statement than a question.
"Yes, of course," Maria replied with a deep sigh. "Some days I'm fine, while others…" her voice trailed off.
"I understand Mother, I do. I miss him too."
"I know you do darling," Maria said pulling Gretl into a hug. "And I must imagine how difficult it is for you when you're about to have your first child knowing that you won't ever be able to introduce him or her to your father."
"Yes, it is," Gretl replied. Maria released her and Gretl was silent for a moment before continuing to speak. "Mother, I wanted to tell you this now… Stephen and I have decided if our baby is a boy we're going to name him Georg, like Father."
"Oh Gretl," Maria breathed, tears coming to her eyes. "What a wonderful idea!"
"I'm so happy you think so," Gretl gushed, a wide smile on her face. "Now we only have to come up with a girl's name," she laughed.
Maria thought for a moment. "May I make a suggestion?" Gretl nodded. "How about Agathe, after your mother?"
Gretl looked at Maria for a moment. "But Mother, are you sure you wouldn't mind? That thought had crossed my mind, but you're the only mother I've ever known. I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings."
"Darling, of course not!" Maria immediately assured her. "If there is one thing that your father's death taught me is that even in death, true love never dies. Although you lost her at such a young age, Agathe was still your mother and I'm so sorry you never got to know her. I think it would be a wonderful tribute to both of your parents if your child was named after either of them."
Gretl gave Maria another hug and just as they parted, the door bell rung. Maria went and opened the door.
"Mrs von Trapp?" the mail delivery boy asked. Maria nodded. "A package for you, sign here please."
"A package?" she repeated confused. She wasn't expecting anything, but she signed for it anyway and bid the delivery boy farewell. She screwed up her face in curiosity as she flipped over the package to look at the writing on the back. Immediately she recognized the address.
"Mother, who was that?" Gretl called out to Maria from the kitchen.
"Ah… a package from England," Maria called back as she made her way into the sitting room.
"England?" Gretl asked as she followed Maria into the sitting room and clumsily sat down next to her, her large stomach making it awkward.
"Mmm…" Maria murmured absently as she began to open the small package. "The Whitehead Estate. From your cousin, apparently."
"From Edward?" Gretl exclaimed. "What is it?"
"I don't know. Let's see."
Maria finished opening the package and found inside a thin slip of paper, a letter in an envelope and a box. She picked up the thin slip of paper first and began to read.
Dear Maria,
I was deeply saddened to learn of the passing of my Uncle Georg last year and I continue to express my deepest sympathies to you and your family. I know that we have never been on the best of terms, especially with the ongoing feud between my grandparents and Uncle Georg. Having been brought up by my grandparents after my own excellent father died when I was a boy, I couldn't help being a part of the disharmony that lay between your husband and my grandparents. But since the passing of my grandmother, Lady Whitehead, several years ago, I've finally been able to re-establish family bonds once broken long ago and have enjoyed getting to know my cousins, especially being an only child myself.
As you are aware, I became Lord Whitehead and inherited the estate when my grandmother died. It has unfortunately taken me many years to accomplish the arduous task of going through the estate. I never realized until I moved back into the manor what hoarders my late grandparents were!
As I cleaned up and catalogued the many items in the manor, I found several items that may be of interest to you and your family. Firstly, enclosed in this package is some Whitehead family heirlooms my grandmother demanded Uncle Georg return to her when Aunt Agathe passed away. I'm sure Aunt Agathe would have wanted these to be passed onto her children so I trust that you will to distribute them amongst my cousins.
Secondly, as I was going through my grandparent's personal documents, I came across a letter addressed to them from Uncle Georg. I took the liberty of reading it and after doing so; I felt that you should have it. I hope it gives some comfort, as I'm sure the feeling of loss at your husband's death is still severe, even a year after his passing.
I hope to be able to visit you all next time I am fortunate enough to travel to the United States.
With very best regards,
Lord Edward Whitehead.
Maria blinked a few times in disbelief after finishing the letter. Gretl had also read the letter over Maria's shoulder and immediately picked up the box and opened it. Inside the box was a variety of rings, bracelets, broaches, gent's watches and cufflinks. Gretl picked each one up and examined them carefully.
"Oh these are exquisite!" she exclaimed. "How thoughtful of cousin Edward. I should take these over to Liesl's place sometime and we can work out who gets what."
"Hmm mmm," Maria murmured in reply, not really listening to what Gretl was saying. She was more transfixed on the letter resting on her lap. Even without picking it up she could recognize the unique penmanship of Georg's handwriting on the envelope. Gretl continued to chatter on about something in Maria's ear but she wasn't listening. Slowly she rose up out of her seat, eyes still fixed on the envelope and began to walk out of the room.
"Mother?" Gretl called out from behind her. "Are you alright?"
"Fine, fine darling. Just give me a few minutes?" Maria turned and threw her daughter a half-smile. Gretl nodded as Maria left the room. Immediately Maria walked to Georg's old study, closed the door and sat down on the sofa.
Maria looked down at the envelope in her hands and took several deep breaths. Her hands were shaking slightly in anticipation although she didn't know what was going to be in the letter. She closed her eyes and took one final deep breath before opening the envelope and taking out the many pieces of paper inside.
Dear James and Elizabeth,
I was deeply saddened when I received your letter. I had hoped when I'd written to you with the news of my engagement to Maria that you would share in my joy and happiness. Instead, you did not hold back at all with telling me of your "disgust" and the "disappointment" you felt by my decision to marry again. You described my actions as "foolish" and criticized my choice to, ah… how did you put it? Marry below my station? That I disgraced the memory of Agathe by replacing her with a woman who had no social standing, and was a failed postulant? Or that I was giving the children a new mother barely older than they are? Or that I was lusting after the "help" by choosing to marry my children's governess? Never mind the accusation that the only reason I was marrying Maria was that I'd gotten her pregnant. I will not lower myself to give a response to that accusation, but will only say this: you should know me well enough to know that it would be against my character and my honour to compromise a young woman in that way.
But finally, of course, was your definite refusal to attend our marriage ceremony later this month.
I know that you never really wanted me to marry your daughter, but you reluctantly agreed to our marriage as you recognized the deep love Agathe and I had for one another. You accused me of "forgetting" the love I had for Agathe by choosing to marry again. But I assure you, I have always loved Agathe and I always will. She was the first love of my life, the mother of my children and I will never forget her. But it's time to move on with my life. It's taken me a long time to love again and I'm so very grateful that I've been blessed with a second chance at love.
If you could only come to Salzburg and meet Maria for yourself, I'm sure it would not take you very long at all to realize the depth of my love for Maria and see how happy she has made me. But I fear that you will not come, so for this reason I need to tell you more about Maria, and how I came to love her, in the hope you'll change your mind about her, and give us your blessing.
Where do I start? At the beginning is probably as good a place as any. When Agathe became ill and then died, I blamed myself and I know you blamed me too. There was a lot of guilt and despair that I felt following Agathe's death making me bitter for years. I shut out everybody and everything, including the children. We lived in the same house, ate next to one another each day, but there were walls that I build up around myself. I felt so much pain and anguish after Agathe died that I refused to connect with anything that reminded me of her: music, laughter, the children themselves. I became cold, heartless, ran the household the only way I knew how – like I was on one of my ships again: marching, whistles, orders. Honestly thinking about it now, I have no idea how the children put up with me!
I couldn't cope, I wasn't coping so I employed governesses to care for the children while I tried to escape the hollow shell of a life I was living by going to Vienna for weeks at a time. The children suffered, I know it. But yet, for some reason they craved my attention. They played so many tricks on the governesses that one by one they left, forcing me each time to return home just long enough for the next governess to arrive before I left again.
Out of desperation, I contacted Nonnberg Abbey to send a strict nun to whip my children into line. Instead, the Reverend Mother sent Maria. Like a whirlwind, she arrived: full of life and energy. The first moment I saw her she was snooping in the ballroom. I tried to use my imposing present to frighten her, but to my surprise, she wasn't frightened at all. She stood up to me, challenged me and told me exactly what I was doing wrong. And time and time again over that day, she did the same thing: at dinner, then later when the children ran to her for comfort during a thunderstorm. She aggravated me but for some reason, I found I had met my match in Maria. She intrigued me, and I hadn't been intrigued like that since Agathe had died.
Finally after my next trip to Vienna, when I returned we argued about the children, and not just argued, but yelled and shouted at each other. But she told me some home truths that I had been too blind and too stupid to see myself, about how I'd treated the children, how I'd shut them out of my life and deprived them of my love.
Maria even brought music back into the house. She taught the children to sing "The Sound of Music" and as they did so, memories of my dear, sweet Agathe singing that very song to me filled my head. I'd forgotten just precious the memories of her were, and by shutting out my children, the living proof of our love, it was like I was pretending Agathe never existed.
Maria opened my eyes, she showed me I needed to love and cherish my children, to be close to them. Suddenly after that, everything changed. The house was filled with love and laughter, and I started to feel things I'd never imagined I would ever feel again. And this was all because of Maria.
Should I go into the details of our love story? The magical moments we'd share when we'd looked at each other, or when we danced the Laendler together for the first time at a ball held at the villa? No I won't. I'll only say that we both tried to deny our feelings for each other: Maria ran back to the Abbey and I proposed to someone else. But it was all wrong, I knew it the moment I saw how miserable the children were without her, she knew it the moment she finally admitted to herself that she loved me. Maria returned to the villa and I broke off my engagement before declaring my love to Maria.
Why do I love Maria so? On face value, everything our pairing seems wrong: a mountain girl and a decorated aristocratic sea captain; a young lady and a middle-aged man. But yet, everything about our pairing is so right. She compliments me in the best possible way, she loves and supports me in every decision, except for those she believes are wrong and then she has the courage to stand up for her opinions. She is usually right, of course. Yes, she's younger than me, but she is wise above her years, and while she was not born into the aristocracy, she has a natural grace and charm.
She's full of energy and has an eternal optimism and joy about her persona, which is infectious. She has this inner strength that amazes me and I admire greatly. She's beautiful, just so beautiful, but it's a natural beauty, not one found after hours and hours sitting in a salon. Her hair is short, but it shines golden in the light. Her eyes are blue, so captivating and sparkle with life. She is loving and kind and has a wonderful sense of humour. She's talented: she plays the guitar, dances and sings. But her voice, she has the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard! I could lose myself in the sound of her music.
But most of all, the children love and adore. She connected with them all almost instantly and has taken the time to get to know each and every one and loves them dearly. She spends time with them all, teaching and playing with them. She has no reservations about climbing trees, or riding bikes with them and all of the children are completely devoted to her.
It has pained me that since Agathe died; the children are without a mother. The children long for a new mother, a mother who will love them and care for them as if they were her own. By marrying Maria, I will be giving them everything they want and deserve: a happy home united in love, filled with music. Agathe was an exceptional woman and I do not take the charge lightly of finding a woman who would be worthy of replacing her. But Maria is worthy and I know that if Agathe had met her, she would have approved of Maria and loved her too. In a strange way I almost feel like I have Agathe's blessing, and I hope that I can have yours too.
I truly wish you both would take the time to come and get to know Maria. She is truly the answer to all of my prayers, both for myself and for the children. I love her so very deeply, and I would be lost without her. I assure you I will never forget the love I shared with Agathe, but I am fulfilled now I have found new love with Maria.
I hope you do reconsider your decision about attending out marriage ceremony. If not for me, please reconsider for the sake of the children. You are their grandparents and they rarely see you, and it would mean so much to them for you to attend my wedding to Maria.
With fondest regards
Georg vT.
Maria put down the letter and wiped a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. Maria felt speechless. She knew obviously that the Whiteheads had refused to attend their marriage ceremony and that was the cause of the ongoing feud between the Whiteheads and their family. But Georg had never told her of his letter to them.
Despite reading more about the source of this feud, Georg's letter had touched her heart. While clearly Georg had told her many times how much he loved her, he had never described exactly why he loved her or told her the very things she'd just read in the letter. She also never known that Georg believed Agathe would have given them her blessing. At times over the years, Maria had wondering what Agathe would have thought of her – another woman raising her children. But Georg's belief that Agathe would have loved her too gave Maria the reassurance and peace over insecurities that had occasionally plagued her over the years.
But like his journals, when she read Georg's words poured straight out from his heart, it was like seeing through a window into his soul. She'd found out things about her husband that she'd never known before, things that he saw and things that he felt and she was so very thankful for that. For after missing Georg so dreadfully after his death, she'd tried to grasp onto every little bit of him that she could still find, and this letter was no exception. For while it was not written directly to her, it gave her another piece of him to cherish that she didn't have before.
"Mother?" Maria jumped as Gretl's voice broke her thoughts. She looked up to see her daughter standing in the doorway to the study. "Is everything alright? What was in that letter?"
"Oh," Maria gasped, her heart racing after the mild fright she'd just received. "It was a letter your father wrote to your grandparents just before we got married. You were just a child then." She smiled as Gretl sat down next to her. "It's funny, this letter began with such a sense of hurt and anguish because your grandparents disapproved of our marriage and were refusing the attend our wedding, so I shouldn't find this letter something to cherish. But I do. In the letter your father explained and described every thing about me that he loved, every reason why I made him happy. It was like he was writing me a love letter," Maria laughed.
Maria paused and looked into Gretl's eyes. "He also said that he believed your real mother would have loved me and she would have given you father and me her blessing." Gretl reached out and hugged Maria as tightly as she could, despite her large tummy being in the way.
"Mother, you know I have no real memories of my real mother, but the other's do, especially Liesl. They've often said how much they thought our real mother would have loved you and how happy she would have been that Father found love again with you. We are, all of us, just so truly blessed that you are our mother. Most people don't get to choose their parents, but we chose you and you chose us and there isn't a day that goes by that we aren't so very thankful that you came to be our governess, and then our mother."
Tear welled in Maria's eyes. "Oh darling, and I'm so thankful that you all accepted me into your family. I have to admit; at times over the years I did have my doubts. But everything your father said in the letter, and what you're telling me now has put all those doubts to rest." Gretl wiped away several tears that had also formed in her eyes as Maria continued.
"You know Gretl," Maria took her hand, giving it a squeeze. "I loved your father very, very much. I miss him terribly, but having something like this," she held up the letter in her hand. "I can keep him with me every day and never let my love for him die."
"And we'll never let you forget the love he had for you either," Gretl reassured her.