4. Crocodile Dun-Garrus
A/N. I'm Australian myself so don't think I'm taking jabs at them over the Australian slang thing.
Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams had bought the book for Garrus as a joke. She honestly didn't expect him to sit down and actually read the thing. And she sure as hell didn't expect him to memorise all the terms and begin using them in actual conversation.
The crew of the Normandy was enjoying a few days' shore leave on the Citadel before being shipped out to Therum. Something about finding Matriach Benezia's daughter who may or may not also be working with Saren. Ash would rather they just shoot the woman on general principle. But the Commander felt Dr T'soni would be a valuable asset to the mission.
Two days before they were due to ship out again saw Ash browsing alone in a huge bookstore on the Citadel Presidium level. The first floor of the shop alone was bigger than her parent's entire house. She was wandering idly through the shelves, keeping an eye out for any books of poetry. Then something seemed to almost leap out at her. The Guide to Australian Slang. Curious, Ash had picked it up and started to leaf through it. A smile spread over her face and soon she was fighting to suppress a burst of laughter. Some of the phrases in the book were unintentionally hilarious. She was about to place it back on the shelf when a thought occurred to her. Garrus sometimes struck her as being a bit too stiff and formal. But that was just him being a turian. Ashley thought he could stand to loosen up a bit and decided to buy the book for him.
Book in hand, Ashley made her way back to the front counter. The hanar shopkeeper inquired, "What may this one do for you?"
"How much for this?" Ash asked. The shop was one of those annoying places that had no price-tags on anything. Which usually meant the items cost more than a year's salary. So it came as a pleasant surprise when the hanar replied, "This one is pleased to offer that item for the sum of fifteen credits."
Ash handed over the money and headed back to the docking bays.
"The Guide to Australian Slang?" Garrus' frowned in concentration as he read the blurb on the back cover of the book. "But there are no Australians on the roster," he pointed out.
Ashley shrugged and said, "Galaxy's a big place. You never know who you might run into. And those Aussies with their accent? It's almost like a whole other language." She managed to keep a straight face as Garrus nodded.
"You raise a valid point, Chief. I'll begin studying immediately," Garrus said and headed to his bunk.
"Strike me flamin' handsome!" the voice, which sounded like it belonged to Garrus called out as Shepard exited the elevator and entered the garage level of the Normandy. Garrus was lying beneath the Mako, performing maintenance. And shouting out bizarre curses as he worked. Alison walked along the decking, boots rapping against the metal and stopped at the vehicle's rear. "How are things, Garrus?" Alison asked.
"Mate, I'm flat out like a lizard drinking," the reply came as Garrus shoved himself out from under the Mako.
"Guh?" Alison asked. What language was he speaking? It sounded like Galactic Standard but some weird dialect.
"It means I'm very busy," Garrus said, mandibles flaring in frustration.
"Well why didn't you say that in the first place?"
"I did!" Garrus hissed.
"No, what you said was something about drinking lizards," Alison said. Without looking around she said, "And don't you start laughing, Wrex."
"What? I didn't say a word," the krogan grinned.
"You were going to," Shepard said.
"So, what's up with the Mako?" Shepard asked, attempting to inject some much-needed sanity into the proceedings. Only to be defeated by Garrus.
"With the pack of flamin' galahs we have working in here, I'm surprised anything on this boat works!" he said.
"Yeah, well, I'm gonna need it ready for a drop in twelve hours," Shepard replied, wondering what a galah was.
"Fair crack of the whip, mate!" Garrus said in apparent protest. Alison could hear Wrex struggling not to laugh. Oh, he'll get his. "Wrex, be a dear and give him a hand will you?"
"What?" Wrex gasped.
"Steady on, mate! I don't need no johnny come lately barging in here and-" Alison glared first at Wrex then at Garrus who seemed to have gone insane. "Shut it!"
As Wrex stalked over to help Garrus, the latter muttering inanities.
Alison walked up to Williams who had been eyeing the entire exchange with a look that combined sick humour with dread fascination. Basically, she looked as though she was trying not throw up.
"Williams, do you know anything about Garrus'...behaviour?"
"What makes you think I know anything?" she replied way too rapidly.
"You lie like a rug," Alison said flatly. Williams sighed and seemed to deflate.
"There was this book, I bought it for Garrus," Ashley explained. Alison blinked. What the hell kind of book could turn her stable, reliable turian agent into a raving lunatic?
"And?"
"It was a book on Australian slang." Williams explained further. "I thought he could lighten up a bit, you know?"
"Instead, in true turian fashion, he memorises the entire contents of the book and now here we are?" Alison finished.
Williams nodded as Wrex dropped a wrench. The big, expensive one and Garrus yelled, "Stone the flamin' crows! What do think this is, bush week?"
In response, Wrex just growled.
"OK, this has gone far enough," Shepard crossed to the bank of lockers along one wall and used her command over-ride codes to open up Garrus'. Alison reached past a few personal items and found the offending paperback book. On the front cove was a picture of some weird looking bear-like animal perched in a tree chewing on some leaves. Shepard vaguely remembered seeing pictures of them. Koalas. Cute little buggers. Taking the book in both hands, Alison tore it in half, tendons standing out in her forearms. The book made a satisfying ripping sound. Garrus' head whipped around at the sound.
"What the flamin' hell's going on around here?" he demanded and stormed up to the lockers, clawed feet clicking on the deck.
"What's going on here, mate, is that this book is, as of now, very much banned material and you are going to report to Dr Chakwas for a full psych work-up. Got a problem with that, Garrus?" Shepard said, giving the turian the full force of her deep blue eyes. It was the same look that could turn a cadet's knees to jelly and make even the most seasoned veteran pause for thought. It had the desired effect.
"I'm sorry, Commander," Garrus said, in his normal tone of voice. "I don't know what came over me," he finished and glared at Williams who tried to keep a straight face. Shepard turned her look of barely contained homicidal rage on her next. Williams wilted slightly and slunk back to her work area.
As Garrus turned and headed for the elevator he muttered, "Crikey! She's one tough sheila!" under his breath.
"Garrus!" Shepard barked. He cringed.
"Sorry, Commander," he said as the elevator doors closed.