8. Wrex's Pussy
A/N: Before anybody has a coronary, that's pussy as in cat. Yes, Mister Tinkles is back. In case you missed it, he made an appearance in the first instalment of Days of Our Normandy Lives.
"Here puss puss puss! Mister Tinkles, where are you?" Wrex called in a booming voice.
Commander Shepard had seen a lot of strange things since being inducted into the Spectres - Thorian creepers on Feros, rachni queens that should have been extinct for the last two thousand years but weren't and more images from damaged Prothean beacons than she could shake a shotgun at. But everything she had seen thus far paled in comparison to the sight of the krogan Battle Master calling his missing cat.
Shepard shook her head, dismayed by the way Wrex doted on that overgrown bundle of fur. There was something utterly unnatural, that went against the very fabric of the galaxy about Wrex keeping a pet cat aboard the Normandy. A varren? Sure, Shepard could see how a krogan might bond with a varren; after all both were vicious hunters with a thirst for blood. A cat? Especially a fluffy white pure bred Persian? About the only things the Spectre could see that Wrex and Mister Tinkles had in common were that they were both anti-social, didn't play well with others and wouldn't come when you called them. Beyond that...Shepard was clueless.
The krogan had picked up the cat a while ago on Feros. At the time he'd left the ship after the rest of the shore party had departed, looking for some geth to kill. According to Wrex, he'd found Mister Tinkles in one of the small shoebox like buildings that served the Feros colonists as shelters. Shepard thought it was rather more likely that Wrex had been in the process of looting the shelters and stumbled across the cat by accident. Either way, Wrex had evidently been so taken with the cat that he'd decided on the spot to adopt him and bring him aboard.
Shepard had known better than to allow Wrex to keep the cat on the ship. After all, there were any number of places a cat could get lost in, like now. But despite her better judgement, Shepard had allowed Wrex to keep the cat. Besides, people who pissed off the krogan, especially Battle Masters, tended not to live very long.
For a while, things had gone well. Wrex kept Mister Tinkles confined to the garage deck of the ship and when it came time to air-drop the Mako onto whatever godforsaken floating rock Admiral Hackett sent them to, the cat would be confined to a cat carrier in the CIC.
Now however, Mister Tinkles had escaped the garage deck and made for points unknown. Hence Wrex stomping around the deck yelling puss puss puss.
"This is fracking ridiculous," Shepard muttered as she lay belly down on the floor of the garage, checking for the cat beneath the Mako. No cat. Though she could see that crate of grenades that had gone missing the other day. How the crap did that end up over there?
"Shepard, either help me or get out of my way," Wrex grunted as he stepped over her, heading towards the engine room.
"Gladly," the Spectre replied, climbing to her feet.
Wrex shoved his way through the sliding doors before they'd fully opened and glared at the engineering staff. Tali looked up from her place by the drive core. Tali loved the drive core. It was so smooth and quiet and unlike anything she'd yet encountered on her Pilgrimage. Tali would marry the drive core if she could.
"Wrex, what are you doing in here?" she asked, surprised by his sudden arrival. Adams made to shoo the krogan out.
"Where's my cat, quarian?" Wrex asked.
"Pardon?" Tali replied, puzzled. She almost never left the engine room and was honestly surprised to learn that the Normandy even had a cat. Keelah, when had that happened?
"My cat, Mister Tinkles," Wrex replied, crowding in close to the quarian, forcing her to back up a step.
"Stop it, Wrex!" Adams called out. Wrex turned his massive head to glare at the human.
"Nobody here has seen the cat, Wrex," Adams said, attempting to calm the krogan who looked dangerously close to picking up Tali'Zorah and ramming her head-first into the eezo core.
A low rumbling growl issued from Wrex's throat, "If you see him, keep him the hell away from engines."
"Of course, Wrex," Tali replied as he turned away from her, "After all, cat hair would have a detrimental impact on the Normandy's performance and-"
Wrex was out of the engine room before she could finish speaking.
"Shepard, help me find Mister Tinkles," Wrex asked the Spectre. Demanded, actually. Shepard leaned back on her heels slightly, to look up at the taller krogan. "All right, I'll get on the comm and initiate a ship-wide search. Try not to worry. We'll find him," she said reassuringly. Even if we have to wait until he dies in whatever corner he's stuck himself in and just follow the smell of decomposing cat.
Shepard entered the elevator, immediately noticing the long white hairs carpeting the floor of the lift car. "That little furball's smarter than I gave him credit for, if he can work the elevator," Shepard murmured as the doors opened onto the main deck. Once at the Normandy's bridge, the Commander took up a position behind the helmsman's seat.
"Open a ship-wide channel, Joker," she ordered.
"Aye ma'am," he replied, touching his fingers to the appropriate sections of the amber glowing control panels. Why every control panel on the ship had to glow amber, Joker didn't know. It was probably a turian thing, he decided. "Channel's open, Commander," he informed the Spectre.
"Attention all hands, this is Commander Shepard speaking," she began "We've all been through a lot together these last few months and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your service and dedication. This crew is like a family," she paused a moment before continuing, "And at this time, one of our family is in need of all our help." Shepard took a breath and paused to consider her next words. If they came out wrong...well the Normandy might well be needing a new CO. "Wrex's pussy is missing," she finally said.
Joker, who had been listening intently, suddenly laughed so hard he almost choked on his own spit. "Ma'am, did you say....Wrex's pussy?"
Taking her hand off the transmitter button, Shepard replied, "The cat, Joker. What did you think I was talking about? Oh."
"Mmm-mmm," Joker said, biting down on his lower lip. "I'm thinking you could have phrased that a little better."
Shrugging, the Commander began addressing the crew again, "I'm asking all hands to keep an out for Wrex's pussy. Uh, I mean Mister Tinkles. That is all."
As Shepard departed the bridge, the crew began checking around their individual stations, as though the cat may have suddenly materialised out of thin air without them noticing. Shepard's XO, Pressly intercepted her as she passed the galaxy map. "Begging your pardon, Ma'am, but don't we have more important things to worry about than turning the ship upside down looking for a krogan's pussy?"
"The sooner we get the cat secured and locked down, Pressly, the sooner we can go back to normal ship operations. Carry on."
"Aye aye, Ma'am."
As Shepard surveyed the crew and Marine detachment searching behind sensor stations, opening up storage compartments and calling "Here puss puss puss," she felt a headache form behind her eyes. "I need a stiff drink," the Spectre muttered, heading for the Captain's quarters.
The decking immediately outside the door to her quarters was liberally dusted with more incriminating white hair.
Frowning, Shepard palmed the door control and cautiously entered the room, alert to any attempts by the cat to shred her ankles. The bed was empty though the sheets bore evidence of the cat's presence in the form of paw impressions and more hair. How one cat could shed so much hair and not become bald was a constant mystery to the Commander.
Her small desk was likewise empty. "Where are you, you little bastard?" Shepard asked the room.
"Meow," a feline voice replied. Shepard turned and looked up at a high shelf. The cat was perched on the shelf, the lord and master of all he surveyed. He wishes.
"Come here, you," Shepard said as she reached out to take the cat. The pupils of Mister Tinkles' wide blue eyes rapidly dilated, until his eyes were the merest rim of blue around an angry black.
Rrroowww! the cat yowled, lashing out with his claws. Shepard felt his sharp, needle-like claws rake across her forehead and cheek and recoiled, a litany of profane language spilling from her lips.
Executing a tactical withdrawal, Shepard backed away from the hissing cat and quickly exited the room, sealing it behind her.
"I'll kill him. I'll kill him then bring him back to life so I can kill him again," Shepard said, touching her fingers to the scratches in her face. Her fingertips came away wet with blood.
"Wrex had better hope that the little bastard isn't carrying toxoplasmosis," she muttered, storming back to the bridge.
"Are you OK, Commander?" Joker asked, eyes widening as he took in the multiple lines scored across her skin, oozing blood.
Ignoring him, Shepard opened a line to the garage, where she had last seen Wrex. "Wrex? Wrex, answer me."
The voice that answered was that of Lieutenant Alenko, "Commander, Wrex is uh, stuck at the moment."
Wearily, she replied, "I'm going to regret asking this but what's happening down there?"
"Wrex thought he saw Mister Tinkles inside the cockpit of the Mako and went in to get him. Now he's stuck halfway through the hatch. Ash and Garrus are trying to get him out. I think we may need the jaws of life, Commander," Alenko explained.
Shepard closed her eyes and sighed. "Alright. I've found the cat. Don't ask me how, but he got inside my quarters. I need you to come up here and put him stasis. Bring his cat carrier."
"Aye aye, Ma'am."
A few minutes later, Kaidan arrived, cat carrier in hand. "The cat did that to you?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Yes and he's lucky I didn't decide to warp him into the next life. Here's what we'll do: I'll open the door, locate the cat and you put him in stasis. Then we lock him in the carrier before the effect wears off. Clear?"
Kaidan nodded agreement.
Outside Shepard's quarters, Kaidan placed the carrier on the floor and readied his biotics, body glowing blue. Shepard hit the door control and carefully eased her head around the threshold. The smug little bastard was asleep on her bed, curled into a tight ball.
Manipulating the element zero nodes in his nervous system, Kaidan extended his arm towards the cat. The air around Mister Tinkles seemed to shimmer as the stasis field took hold around him. Grabbing the carrier, Shepard quickly stepped up to her bed, scooped up the cat and shoved him head first into the cat carrier.
Back in the bridge for the third time in the space of fifteen minutes, Shepard again addressed the crew. "Attention all hands, we have located Wrex's pussy," she paused, letting the titter of laughter from the sensor operators behind her pass. "Return to normal operations and thank you for your assistance in this matter. Wrex? As soon as you get yourself out of the Mako, you and I are going to have a little chat about your pussy."
A/N: Juvenile? Oh indeed. And addressing the subject of Mister Tinkles' name, it comes from the film Cats and Dogs about a white Persian cat named, you guessed it, who plots to take over the world with his army of loyal kitty followers. Only to be thwarted by a young Beagle whose name escapes me. On a completely unrelated note, the title of this chapter is a reference to a British comedy series of the early to mid seventies, Are You Being Served? In the series, the character Mrs Slocombe would make frequent references to her pussy. Yes, cat. Ah, risque humour and double entendres, how I love thee.