That Belongs in a Garbage Disposal
They were both freaks of nature, in Kisame's mind and when that came from him, it was serious. He was a blue-skinned shark man, for Christ's sake.
He stared across the table in disgust as the aptly named 'Zombie Twins' bickered back and forth. The Akatsuki had gathered at a quiet inn in order to plan their pernicious plots (a pastime that Kisame usually found quite soothing) when Hidan and Kakuzu decided to argue over their favorite topic: God or money? ("Isn't that what everyone wants to know?" Kisame mused inwardly). But they were going overboard tonight.
From the corner of his eye, Kisame could see Itachi shift to look at the clock on the wall, an expression of mild annoyance plastered over his features. Kisame's eye followed, proceeding to take in the position of the minute and hour hands. Could that really be the time? The zombie boys had been bickering for nearly two hours. The shark man could barely believe it. It had felt like so much longer. He spared a glance around the group of fearsome criminals. Sasori was staring at the leftover dinner in the middle of the table with longing while, beside him, Deidara was already asleep, his head resting on his arms. The newcomer, Tobi, was amusing himself by poking the blond in the head with his chopsticks, apparently to see if Deidara was dead or not. Kisame rolled his eyes.
He was pulled away from his observances by a small click such as silverware makes when dropped onto a porcelain plate. Kisame lazily turned his head to face the sound and, ultimately, Itachi and felt his eyes widen.
The Uchiha was fuming, his fist clamped around the spoon he had, until recently, been using to eat from his bowl of soup. His black eyes were boring holes into Hidan and Kakuzu who seemed to be perfectly oblivious. Kisame watched as those eyes flinched a little each time Hidan let loose one of his colorful swear words. The blue man chuckled. Itachi was raised with such remarkable manners. Sure, the kid could torture and kill you without breaking a sweat but, by god, he would do it politely.
A smirk made its way over Kisame's face as he watched the young Uchiha's fist clamp down even harder on his spoon, bending it backwards in his fury.
"Alright there, Itachi-san?" Kisame whispered. "What did the spoon ever do to you?" The young man ripped his eyes away from the bickering undead, sparing a glance at his partner before landing on his still clinched fist. His lips bent themselves into a small scowl. Then, in a display that was uncharacteristically childish, Itachi swiftly tossed the offending spoon across the room. Kisame tried desperately to hold in a laugh.
"I'm quite sure I have no idea what you mean," Itachi replied, his voice calm and falsely innocent.
"I gotcha, Itachi-san: there is no spoon." The Uchiha nodded, his eyes once again focusing on the could be old-married-couple.
The fighting was getting louder and it only took a few minutes of uninterrupted listening before Itachi let out a murderous growl. In seconds he had grasped Hidan's own scythe and swung it across the table, cleanly separating the man's head from his body. With one short, triumphant laugh Itachi rushed to the other side, picking the head up by the hair before the zombie's body could grab it.
"What the hell, Itachi?!" Hidan cursed. The Uchiha brought a kunai knife from within his cloak, a look of mild insanity worming its way over his features.
"That's not going to kill him," Sasori sighed, exasperated. Itachi glared at the puppet master before heading over to the kitchen sink. He contemplated it for a few long seconds before looking over at Kisame and Sasori.
"And what if I stuffed it down the garbage disposal?" he began. "Do you think that would work?" Kisame cackled as Sasori shook his head sadly. Such was the miserable fate of evil child prodigies; they all cracked eventually.
"Possibly," Sasori sighed, "but I don't recommend it. We do actually need him for our plans. You know, world domination and all?" Itachi nodded shakily, his eyes still a tad wild.
"Fine then," he said. Kisame watched the young man as he stomped outside. Out of curiosity, the shark man let himself take a peek out the window. He watched as Itachi lugged the head to the edge of the nearby forest and disappeared inside. A minute or so later, the genius returned, one head lighter.
"I'd like to see him find it now," Itachi smirked.
"He will eventually, you know."
"I don't see how," the Uchiha mumbled. "He can't see it because he doesn't have any eyes. He can't call to it; his mouth's on it. He couldn't hear it even if he could because his ears are with it too. Not to mention the fact that he can't do much thinking about it; his brain's inside it." Sasori shrugged, no match for the Uchiha's reasoning.
Itachi sighed contentedly, once again taking his place at the table. All was comfortable for a few minutes before Kisame felt murderous rage emanating from his partner. Kisame rolled his eyes, tracing the prodigy's line of sight straight back to Tobi who was still poking the unconscious Deidara.
"Buffoon," Itachi growled. Kisame chucked.
"I don't know, the kid was beginning to remind me of you. Are you sure you aren't related? I think I see a sort of family resemblance."
"There's still a vacant spot in the garbage disposal. I'm sure your head would fit."
"Gotcha, Itachi-san. No relation at all."
Huzzah for Matrix references! :) (I'm sorry, I had to.) There's also a Shel Silverstein poem about a boy that loses his head. I read it and began to think of Hidan, so there you go.
Well I haven't updated in about two years and, I hate to break it to you, but I think this will be the last chapter. As I'm sure you've realized, Kishimoto's getting a bit death happy on the poor Akatsuki members. That, and I'm just not that funny of a person. Any previous chapters that made you laugh were a fluke, I assure you.
So there you go. It Started With a Jumpsuit and ended with a Garbage Disposal. I hope you enjoyed it. I tried to make the last chapter on the longer side, just for the occasion.