That night, after brainstorming but finding no new dating strategies, I crawled into bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow. It would definitely be a long day tomorrow.
I woke up the next morning. I had slept through my alarm clock. I raced out the door after eating two bites of toast and listening to the four messages Sandra had left me. It was time to change my number again.
"Jessica!" I yelled as soon as I got into the office.
"Yes?" she replied in a sickeningly sweet voice. I noticed that her blouse had dropped another button. Geez, would the girl naked by Christmas?
"Start sending the secretaries in one by one." I had not failed to notice the long line of women waiting to fight for a spot to make Emmett and Jasper their coffee.
It was a long morning. Secretary after secretary, all as plain as a brown dog. I knew that I had to choose a good looking one because if they weren't they'd be fired by the end of the week for some minor infringement. But they also had to be sharp and sure not to take any crap from my two heartbreaking brothers.
One was ugly. One was incredibly stupid. One couldn't type. One didn't speak English. One thought England was in Africa. One was wearing shiny jeans and clear heels. One was only four feet tall.
As I was about to slam my head on the table in frustration, Jessica hoisted the door open and said, "Rosalie Masen to see you next."
Better not crack my desk in half with my forehead in front of a possible secretary. That probably wouldn't go down very well.
"Hi, I'm Edward…." My Gosh, Ms Swan could only just beat her. She had beautiful long and elegant blonde hair and an amazing figure. "…Cullen." I regained my senses quickly and invited her to sit down.
"So, which of the two spots were you thinking of applying for?"
"Mr Emmett Cullen's branch, Sir," she replied sharply.
"OK. At what speed do you type?"
"100 words per minute. And don't ask for proof!" She snapped and then flashed me a joking smile. Emmett was seriously going to thank me for this.
"Can you make coffee?"
"Perhaps."
I narrowed my eyes and asked cautiously, "Is England in Africa?"
"Not last time I checked."
Oh Thank God, I thought.
"Well Ms Masen, you're hired. If you could please go and tell the waiting applicants for Mr E. Cullen's office that the position has been filled. Then you can go and report to Mr Cullen right away, I'm sure he would be greatly appreciating of a new secretary right about now." I smiled at her. She didn't know how grateful I really was.
I was incredibly relieved.
I heard the groan that went up from outside. Jasper was lesser known for his good looks; he didn't romp around town as much as Emmett did.
"Now ladies," I said graciously, "There is still the position of secretary for Mr J. Cullen to be filled."
More women came and went. Still too ugly, too slow, too naive, too impressionable, too flirtatious. Too wrong.
Jessica repeated her act of saving me from cracking my desk as she ushered 'Alice Archer' in over the threshold.
She was very tiny. Quite short and incredibly petite. Her hair stuck up rather madly; she was pixie like. She jumped in hyperactively, however, and started babbling to me right away.
"Hi I'm Alice! Great to meet you Mr Cullen. I'm a great typist, I can type 90 words per minute. I worked in a café for a while so I make kick ass coffee – 'scuse the language, Mr Cullen – and I'm great with technology. Your computer got a virus? Oh no, that's a shame. I can fix it for you though! I graduated from my high school and won the Geography prize. I went to England last year; amazing. Just amazing. And I really would love to work with Jasper Cullen, because my cousin went to pre-school with him. Apparently he's also rather good looking! Do you fancy! Anyway, so I'll let you get a word in edgewise now Mr C – I hope you don't mind if I call you that – and you can tell me if I'm hired or not!"
I was startled she had stopped talking. I was busy writing some notes on a store in L.A. so I had grown used to her gurgling.
"What's that? Oh, yes, you're hired. Go tell all the other applicants to go home and skip off to Jasper's office. Third on the left."
Well, I'm glad that's done, I thought. Alice and Rosalie seemed quite interesting.
I set a court date for my run in with Ms Swan and continued to think of ways to serenade her into dating me. But I had thought of nothing when I heard a knock on the door.
"Come in!"
It was Emmett and Jasper.
"I cannot thank you enough. How did you find these two? It is so incredibly satisfying to watch the blonde one put files in the bottom drawer." Emmett appeared pleased.
"Alice is… interesting. I think she likes me!" Jasper giggled. "I think I will never get greater pleasure ever again than when watching when she spilt some hot water on her blouse and had to change it." He looked dreamily into the distance.