Falling
Felicity, Roy, and Diggle are sitting in the Foundry. They haven't been on a case since the night Malcolm Merlyn came to tell them that Oliver was dead, and they're here to discuss the idea of taking on cases without him. Roy has just started arguing that Oliver would have wanted them to keep fighting when a voice they don't often hear speaks unexpectedly from the top of the stairs.
"I'm sorry to interrupt."
The three of them look up to find-
"Nyssa?" Felicity asks in confusion. "What are you doing here?"
"I come bearing news. News I fear you may have already heard from a more unreliable source."
No one responds, and Nyssa takes their silence as her answer. She walks down to them, stopping when she reaches the bottom of the stairs.
"Malcolm Merlyn has told you then. No doubt he was the one who took the sword from on top of the mountain. I had hoped to bring it to you myself along with the news. I wanted to come sooner, but I was unable to leave my father's side."
"Why are you here?" Felicity asks quietly, and she stands from her spot in front of her computers, arms crossed over her chest in defiance. "Why are you here telling us this? You were never close to Oliver."
The hostility in her voice does not go unnoticed, and Nyssa puts her hands out at her sides, as though to show them she's unarmed. She takes a few steps closer.
"I know what it's like to lose someone you care about," Nyssa answers patiently, her voice trembling slightly at the end. "I also know that Oliver Queen did not kill Sara."
Diggle pushes himself away from the table he's been leaning against.
"You do?"
Nyssa nods. "When he came to confess, there was no guilt in his eyes. He cared for Sara. He would not have killed her. I do not think my father knows the truth. But I will find the one who killed her…and I will make them suffer."
Felicity looks to Diggle and the two of them share a quick, quiet look.
Nyssa can never find out about Thea.
"There is something else as well," Nyssa continues, and she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small black device.
"A flash drive?" Felicity asks in confusion.
"You have the sword already, and you have my word, but we could not find his body. I fear he fell too far and was buried under the snow, or perhaps lost in a deep chasm. I thought that maybe you would want proof."
Felicity's heart skips a beat, and then starts pounding hard in her chest.
"I felt you all deserved to know what happened. I hid a camera in the trees. The video on this drive will show you Oliver Queen's death." She looks at Felicity as she talks, and an unspoken understanding passes between the two of them.
This video is for her. Whether Nyssa knows of her doubt or not, she clearly understands how Felicity feels about Oliver.
Nyssa steps closer to her and holds out the flash drive.
"You do not need to watch it. But I felt you deserved the choice."
Felicity stares at the flash drive and takes a deep breath.
Then she reaches out and takes it.
"Felicity." Diggle says her name gently as he walks toward her. "Are you sure you want to watch this?"
Felicity turns toward her computer bank, expertly slides the flash drive in, and opens the video file.
"I have to," she answers.
Eventually, the file loads, and she, Diggle, and Roy watch as Oliver makes his last stand.
The more she watches, the more she doesn't want to, but she knows she needs to see this.
The world goes quiet around her. Diggle, Roy, Nyssa, the club above them, the city around them, all of it may as well not be there. All that exists in the world is her and this video. All that exists, all that matters, is Oliver.
She watches: her blood pounding, her skin crawling…her heart shattering.
She watches as Oliver fights. He's outmatched, it's clear from the get go, but he doesn't give up. He fights his hardest, harder than she's ever seen him fight.
She watches as Ra's Al Ghul backs Oliver up against the edge of the cliff.
There's a second, nothing more, where Felicity thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can win this fight.
But then it's over.
She watches as Ra's Al Ghul jabs him in the side. Watches him punch him in the throat.
She watches Oliver fall to his knees. Watches Ra's Al Ghul lift his chin up.
And then Ra's Al Ghul stabs him, and Felicity feels the ground fall out from under her feet.
She wants to stop looking. She wants to stop thinking, to stop feeling, to stop breathing, but she can't.
Oliver stares into space, and Felicity imagines Oliver's life flashing before his eyes, and she thinks her heart may literally break because it hurts like nothing ever has.
And then he's gone. Ra's Al Ghul kicks him off the cliff, Oliver disappears over the side, and the video cuts out.
She stands there in silence. Roy whispers "oh my god" from one side of her, Diggle turns away from her on the other.
They stand in silence, and they grieve.
Felicity doesn't scream, or cry, or do any of the things she feels like she should do. She can only stand and stare at the computer. The screen may be black, but she can see it all clear as day. It plays over and over again in her mind. Oliver fighting. Oliver collapsing to his knees. Oliver falling off the edge.
She doesn't feel any of the things she thinks she should.
She feels nothing.
Felicity has no idea how much time passes before Nyssa finally speaks again. It could be minutes, or hours, or years, and frankly she doesn't care.
"I am sorry to bring you this news, but I felt you deserved to see it for yourselves. Oliver Queen is dead. I wish to offer you solace, but I feel I have none to give."
"I need some air." Roy's voice cracks on the last word, and he turns and leaves without saying any more.
Diggle stands next to her silently, and she can feel his eyes boring a hole into her, trying to read her, to know what she's feeling, to decide what to do.
Felicity closes the video program and stares at the computer screen.
"Felicity…."
Diggle's voice is soft, concerned, but he clearly doesn't know what to say, and how could he, because what the hell do you say after watching something like that?
Felicity continues to stare at the computer's home screen, when suddenly her eyes settle on a small icon in the bottom left corner: an icon that simply reads "MM."
And just like that, the void inside her fills, overflows, and explodes. Just like that she no longer feels nothing.
She feels anger. Rage.
Hate.
It's a feeling she's not used to, and it should scare the hell out of her, but it doesn't. It fills her with a strange calm; a sense of purpose.
She rips the flash drive out of the computer, throws it to the floor, and smashes it under her heel.
Diggle takes a step to the side in surprise.
"Felicity-"
"Leave me alone."
Her voice comes out emotionless, dead, because her anger, her rage, and her hate are directed at one thing and one thing only.
Malcolm Merlyn.
"Felicity."
Diggle puts his hand on her shoulder, and she moves away automatically, turning to face him.
"I need to be alone," she repeats. "Please."
He stares at her, trying to read her, but her face is a blank slate and she knows he'll find nothing written on it.
Finally, he nods. "Okay. But I'll be right upstairs at the club when you want to talk."
He turns and walks away, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs and looks back.
"If you need anything, and I mean anything, you'll come and find me."
Felicity nods.
"Promise me?" he asks.
It's the last thing she wants to do, but she says the words any way.
She lies.
"I promise."
Diggle nods at her once more, walks up the stairs, and closes the door behind him.
Felicity turns back to the computer, fingers flying over the keyboard.
She only remembers that Nyssa is still in the room when she puts a gentle hand on her shoulder.
Felicity stops what she's doing, but she doesn't shrug the other woman away.
"Oliver Queen was a good man," Nyssa whispers. "He didn't deserve this."
"No," Felicity agrees quietly. "He didn't."
Nyssa leaves, and Felicity turns her attention back to the computer.
She doesn't go upstairs to Verdant. She doesn't call Diggle. There's only one thing Felicity needs right now, but it's something she has to do by herself.
Five minutes later, she sneaks out the back door of Verdant.
Alone.
After Merlyn brought her the blood covered sword, Felicity pinged his cell phone. She did it as soon as he turned his back on her; it only took her a few seconds. She wasn't sure in the moment why she was doing it, but now, as she drives closer and closer to the signal coming off of his phone (and hopefully closer to the man himself) she's glad that she did.
She follows the signal to a rundown hotel on the outskirts of the Glades. She drives down to the next block and parks her car. Pulling her key out of the ignition, she checks the program on her phone that's tracking the signal. He's definitely in the hotel. Or at least, his phone is. Or was. She has no way of knowing if he's here now, or if he's ever been here at all. For all she knows, he knew that she would track him and he ditched his phone here.
But this is all she has. This is her best shot at finding Malcolm Merlyn.
Felicity grips the steering wheel tightly in her hands and breathes deep, attempting to steady her pounding heart. But she only allows herself a moment. Ten seconds later she's climbing out of her car and heading toward the hotel.
Her phone leads her to the door of room 203. She puts her hand on the knob, takes another deep breath, and pushes the door open.
She finds him sitting on the edge of the bed, a drink in his hand and a knowing smile on his face.
Malcolm Merlyn.
He takes a sip of his drink before speaking.
"I knew you'd show up eventually, when you finally realized I was telling the truth."
He smirks at her as she closes the door behind her. He finishes his drink and sets the glass down on the nightstand, leaning back slightly on the bed. He's not flinching, not budging; he looks almost comfortable.
"From what I've heard, you're a smart woman, Ms. Smoak. I knew you'd find me here. You tracked my cell phone signal, am I right?"
Felicity wonders what he's playing at. Why would he stay if he knew she was coming? But she doesn't ask him that question, because she doesn't really care about the answer. Instead she says:
"If you knew I'd show up, then you know why I'm here."
He stands up, still smirking at her in that knowing way that makes her blood boil with rage and run cold with fear at the same time.
"Of course I do," he responds, taking a step toward her. "You're here to kill me."
Felicity shakes her head.
"This is your fault. All of it. Thea was the only family he had left. You poisoned your own daughter. You made her kill an innocent woman. All to save your own sorry skin."
She takes a step toward him….
And she pulls a gun out of her coat pocket.
"You don't deserve to live," she spits at him, her voice full of a venom that's unfamiliar to her ears.
"You know, you're probably right about that."
She raises the gun in her hand and points it at him.
"You're a monster."
"You're probably right about that, too," he responds…and then he laughs; Merlyn actually laughs, while she has a gun pointed at his chest.
"But you really should put the gun away before you hurt yourself, Ms. Smoak."
Her heart starts beating faster, and her hands start sweating.
"You do know the safety's still on, right?"
Felicity looks down at the weapon in her hands, and it suddenly hits her: she doesn't know how to work a gun.
Merlyn moves closer and points to a switch on the gun. "The little switch on the side, right there. Flick it off. Good girl."
She does, but her hands are shaking now. The condescending tone, the fact that he's still standing there, balls of brass, not backing down…it all unnerves her.
"You don't think I'll do it?" she asks, lifting the gun toward him again. Tears are rising in her eyes now. "You took everything from me. You really don't think I'll kill you?"
"No. I don't."
Felicity grabs the gun in both of her hands, steadies it, and takes a deep breath.
"Well, you thought wrong."
Her finger finds the trigger, and she would swear she sees the briefest glimpse of fear in Malcolm Merlyn's eyes.
But then she hears a voice calling her name, and the world stands still.
"Felicity."
It can't be. It just can't be.
She lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding and her fingers loosen their grip on the gun, but she somehow manages to hold on to it.
It can't be.
"Felicity, put the gun down."
It's not.
She turns her head around to find John standing behind her, arms up at his side in a gesture of submission.
For the briefest moment, caught up in her anger and grief, she thought she'd heard Oliver's voice. But it wasn't him.
John steps around next to her, arms still up at his side.
"Felicity…don't do this."
She gazes at John, but she can't see him. All she can see is Oliver. The vision plays out in her mind, over and over, a moment of horror set on a continuous loop.
Oliver falling to his knees. The sword entering Oliver's chest. The light leaving Oliver's eyes. Oliver's body, falling off the cliff.
"I have to," Felicity sobs, turning back to Merlyn, and her finger finds the trigger once more. "Someone needs to stop him."
"And someone will. But it's not you."
"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!" Felicity screams, and the hands that hold the gun are trembling now. "How do you know I won't do it? How are you both so damn sure?"
"Because I know you, Felicity. And you're not a killer."
Tears she's been holding back all night begin to fall.
"People change, John."
"You're right, they do. Especially when they lose someone they love."
A sob rips itself from her throat against her will.
"I know it hurts," he continues, stepping closer. "And I know it's going to take time, but the important thing is to honor the memory of the ones we've lost."
He puts a gentle hand on her shoulder, and her whole body is trembling now.
"Oliver wouldn't want you to become a killer."
Rage courses through her, hot and angry once more.
"We don't know what Oliver would have wanted because HE'S DEAD!"
Felicity screams out the words, and it's there, in the middle of a rundown hotel room with a gun pointed at Malcolm Merlyn, that it hits her. Final, and true, and hard, and so fucking painful that she's afraid the weight of her grief will crush her to pieces.
She thought she'd heard Oliver's voice when John walked into the room, but she hadn't.
Because he's gone.
She'll never hear Oliver call her name again.
Oliver falls over and over again in her mind. Falling, falling, always falling.
She feels like she's falling with him.
"He's…dead. Oliver's dead."
Her arms fall limp at her sides, the gun crashing to the floor. She turns back to John.
"He's gone. Oh, god." Her voice cracks, her vision blurs, and the world starts to spin around her. "He's really gone."
Her knees give way as her world falls apart.
Luckily, John is there to catch her. He grabs her arms and holds her, falling gently to the floor beside her.
He doesn't say a word, just pulls her close and hugs her, lets her bury her face in his neck and sob.
"He told me he loved me and I just let him walk away. How could I do that? He's gone, John. He's gone…and I never…I never told him…."
She can't get the words out through the sobs that are threatening to rip her body and soul apart, but she doesn't need to.
"He knew, Felicity. He knew."
She hears the quietest gasp escape John's mouth, feels the softest shudder go through him, and she wraps her arms around him and hugs him back.
He doesn't cry, even though she knows he wants to. Instead he holds on to her, holds on for her, and lets her fall.
Malcolm Merlyn leaves the room at some point, but she neither notices nor cares. The only thing she can think of, the only thing that matters, is this:
"I never told him that I love him."
...tbc...
AN: For the context of this story, I firmly believe that if Diggle had not shown up when he did, Felicity would never have killed Merlyn. Merlyn is a sick, sadistic bastard, who gets a kick out of toying with Felicity's emotions, but he was right, and so was Diggle. Felicity is devastated, angry at Merlyn, and caught up in the moment, but I don't believe she would have done it.