A/N: Okay, first of all… thanks to all the reviewers who got us to 1,600 reviews. That is awesome, for me. LOL This might be a long A/N. I apologize for the delay in posting too… I took my kid to play in the pool .

I need to thank the usual two, maggiemay14 and flightlessbird11 who encouraged this chapter and its madness more than you know. I had a vision of crazy Esme in my head and this is the outcome. I hope you all laugh as much as we did while I wrote it.

At the request of anabat, I have posted a playlist for this story on my profile, so go check it out. Feel free to find me on twitter, I often offer updates and info on there, some of it pointless and stupid, but fun nonetheless.

Kikikinz… I hope this chapter makes you feel better and your mention of pink eye totally reminds me of 'knocked up' and I hope to god no one farted on your pillow. LOL

I promise Renee is not a bitch for not attending the wedding. All will be explained when the wedding rolls around, so don't start putting hits out on Renee.

Regarding Bella's book, 'Fascinating Creatures' I have no idea what it is about. LOL. Let's ask Kate, she's reading it. Ok, seriously… it's about a psychiatrist who has fallen in love with one of her patients. It relates back to earlier in the fic where Bella and Edward were basically playing therapist to one another in Jackson Hole. Sorry it's not about bugs miss understood165.

Usual shout outs to my fanfic life mates, beta extraordinaire MaggieMay14 and flightlessbird11.

I don't own twilight, but I do own a baby name book for future chapters of American Boy and a set of brass knuckles, which I am lending to Edward, for future chapters of Love Will Come Through.

EPOV

"This is so lame. I can't believe no one would allow us to go to a strip joint. It's not like we're marrying the girls, just looking," sighed Emmett as he plunked down into a seat beside me at our table in 'Bumper's' the pool parlor we were currently sitting in.

"Emmett, this is fine. I didn't really want to go the strippers, just you did," I said with a loud sigh as Jasper patted me gently on the back.

"I wanted to go," said my father as I whipped my head around and found him and Charlie laughing happily over a pitcher of MDG. "What? I'm not dead. I can look but not touch."

"Kate even gave me a wad of dollar bills. She was certain we'd be going," laughed Charlie as he pulled a small handful of singles from his pocket and smiled brightly. I groaned and buried my head in my hands, certain that tonight was going to be one to remember and not in a good way.

"What the fuck man? It's your bachelor party; shouldn't we do what we want to do? Since when are the ladies in charge of what we get to do?" asked Emmett again as I punched him lightly on the shoulder and he barely moved. Fucking brick house that guy is.

"I do not want to get into a fight with you… three… about the strippers. We're not going. I promised Bella." There was a collective groan around the table as Charlie, Emmett and Carlisle all took a drink of their beers and Charlie went to the bar to get another pitcher.

Jasper grabbed me and pulled me to the nearest pool table to start a quick game of pool while we waited for all the food Emmett had ordered to arrive. He had requested nachos, wings, chicken fingers, pizza and virtually everything that was considered a 'finger food' from their menu. I know Emmett was frustrated with himself for giving me, what he thought, was a shitty bachelor party but I had told him in advance that I was fine with doing anything. What we did didn't matter as long as I was with the guys, which is exactly what we were doing in Bumpers.

"Jasper Fucking Whitlock," I heard a voice call from the other side of the joint as the guy walked closer and Jasper held onto my shoulder, as though he was protecting me.

"Jacob Black, long time no see," remarked Jasper coolly as I balled my hands into fists involuntarily. So this was Jacob Black. I hadn't seen him since high school and my body reacted before my brain when he wandered up to us and I started to glare at him angrily. In truth, I shouldn't be mad at this guy because since he fucked up, I ended up with the most wonderful and sexy woman in the world. However, I hated how he treated Bella while they were together. She didn't deserve that. No one deserved that. "What have you been up to?"

"Oh you know, the usual shit. Have you seen Bella lately? I tried to call her a few weeks ago but her home phone was disconnected," he said calmly as he looked over at me and simply nodded his head casually, clearly having no idea who I was and that I was days away from marrying his ex-girlfriend.

"She moved," replied Jasper tensely as Jacob immediately interrupted him.

"Did she move back to Forks? My dad won't tell me anything about his conversations with Charlie anymore. I mean, fuck, I cheated on her, we broke up… whatever… water under the bridge and shit. I just want to talk to her," sighed Jacob, clearly frustrated with his lack of contact with my Bella. Of course, if I had anything to say about it, he would never talk to her again.

"You probably just want to yell at her and call her slut like you did on Christmas night," I said firmly to Jacob as he perked his eye brow and looked at me curiously. I wanted to punch the smug grin off of his face, until Emmett showed up behind me and held my other shoulder tightly, reminding me immediately that I didn't need a black eye for my wedding. I wasn't sure who would be more upset if I came back battered and bruised, Alice or my mother.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Jacob as I grinned easily at him.

"Edward Cullen. Fiancée of Bella Swan," I said cheerfully as I politely extended my hand out to him as confidently as possible and he looked at me and grimaced. I was being a cocky son of a bitch and I didn't care.

"You're marrying my Bella?" he asked incredulously as Jasper and Emmett moved between us slightly, clearly expecting some sort of fight to go down.

"Actually, she stopped being yours the moment she found you fucking some chick on HER couch. She's mine now… and always," I replied back snidely. I could tell by the expression on his face that Jacob was pissed.

"You're not married yet," snapped Jacob as I reached my hand up, eager to punch him in the jaw.

"Fuck you," I spit back at him.

Charlie wandered over a minute later and grabbed Jacob's arm, pulling him away from me. "I thought you were on my side Charlie," yelled Jacob as Charlie pulled him towards the other side of the pool hall.

"Perhaps if you didn't treat my daughter like shit, I would be on your side. I'm on Team Edward now, Jacob." I could hear Jacob yelling at Charlie on the far side of the place. Asking him when we got engaged, how she could so quickly give up on him and Charlie, god bless him, was actually taking my side and trying to explain that if Jacob hadn't cheated on Bella it could have been them getting married. A few minutes later, Charlie wandered over alone and patted me on the shoulder.

"Food's here," he said easily as two waitresses covered our table with the food Emmett had ordered and I tried my best to focus on eating, all the while keeping my eyes focused on Jacob. He was playing pool with some friends of his that arrived shortly after our little… encounter, but he also kept a close watch on our table.

Jasper and I played a few rounds of pool and were challenged by Charlie and Carlisle, who were surprisingly good. I found out later in the evening that they were also well versed in poker, thanks to their new ritual of getting together and hanging out on Monday nights. Awww… the dad's were best friends, I laughed to myself as I watched Emmett stroll off to the bathroom awkwardly.

"Emmett is cut off when he gets back," I said forcefully as Jasper nodded his head in agreement. I hadn't noticed how much Emmett had to drink, but it was clearly more than he should have.

"Oh, come on, he's just having fun," said my father with a laugh and I nodded my head back him.

"Dad's cut off too."

I looked up a few minutes later and saw and saw Emmett deep in conversation with Jacob just outside the men's room door. I was on the verge of standing up to bust up their love fest when Emmett started walking back to our table and Jacob wandered over to his friends, leaving the bar shortly thereafter.

"Did you ask him to leave?" asked Charlie suspiciously. It turns out he was also keeping an eye out on Jacob during the evening.

"No. He heard me talking to Rosalie on the phone. They're at some club called 'Cathouse' or something like that. Anyways, he asked if he could talk to Alice on the phone and I refused him. Nothing serious went down," sighed Emmett as he sat back down and tried to grab his drink, only to have it pulled back by Jasper, our designated driver for the evening.

"What the fuck man?" Emmett asked angrily as Carlisle looked at him disapprovingly for cursing.

"Emmett, did he hear you say where the girls were?" I asked, hopeful that Jacob hadn't heard that tiny detail. I could only imagine what was running through his mind the moment he found out Bella and I were getting married.

"I don't remember," he replied in frustration as he glared at Jasper who was pushing a glass of water towards him. "Let's go to the strippers."

BPOV

"This is absolutely ridiculous," I said as Alice pulled the t-shirt over my head that read 'Future Mrs. Cullen' in small letters. "I thought you got rid of your Bedazzler in high school Alice?"

"Shut up," she replied, embarrassed that I called her out for owning one in the first place. Alice ran around the apartment in a hurry since we were already late to meet everyone else at 'Cathouse' a new bar and I apparently wasn't dressed appropriately. Once she squeezed me into a small skirt and did my hair into some childish looking pig tails, I reluctantly let her drag me out of the apartment and into the cab she had waiting.

Twenty minutes later, we were comfortably seated within a booth beside the dance floor as Esme and Kate wandered back from the bar, each of them carrying a tray of shots in test tubes. "The bartender assures us these are delicious," said Kate as she sat down and pushed the tray towards us. There were a dozen shots on each tray and I didn't even want to think about how much they had just paid for the booze.

Rosalie had offered to be the designated driver for the evening and Kate, Charlie, Carlisle and Esme had reserved rooms at a hotel not far from our apartment, so the only people Rosalie had to worry about getting home were me, Alice, Angela and Hannah, my new book editor. "We'd like to give a big Cathouse shout out to Bella, who is getting married in a few days and is celebrating with her friends here tonight," said the DJ on the overhead speakers as I blushed. "This songs for you Bella."

I giggled madly as the first words to 'Hot in Here' by Nelly poured from the speakers and I smacked Alice upside her head, knowing full well this was because of her. "Okay, we have presents," said Rosalie excitedly as they each pulled out a gift bag filled with tissue paper.

I quickly opened the first bag and found three g-strings. "Esme, what the hell?" I asked in surprise as she laughed and downed another shot. I think that was shot number four, so I knew I would be keeping an eye on her tonight.

"Oh Bella, relax. I'm sure you don't wear cotton granny panties around Edward. Let me just think for one night that he isn't my son, okay?" she asked sincerely as I smiled and hugged her awkwardly for her gift of underwear. The rest of the gifts were no better. Alice gave me a set of crotch less panties and a bra that had slits in the center of the breasts, for easy access to the nipples. Rosalie gave me furry handcuffs and some sort of lotion that appeared to be edible, but the worst was Kate, who gave me a pink rabbit vibrator for 'the nights when Edward can't get it up' she explained as I buried my head in my hands.

"He probably doesn't have that issue. Carlisle never does," remarked Esme as she downed another shot.

"Fuck mother, I don't want to hear about your sex life with dad," stammered Alice nervously as we both blushed profusely.

"Fine Alice, but you know what… there are women out there who are forced to rely on battery operated toys at my age. I am counting my lucky stars your father and I do it as often as we do," said Esme confidently as she held up four fingers to Rosalie and me and mouthed 'four times a week'. Wow, way too much information on my future in-laws.

"Mother," yelled out Alice as Rosalie and I giggled profusely and then her cell phone started ringing.

"Damned Emmett, he can't handle two fricking hours away from me," she said cheerfully as she stood up from the end of our booth and headed towards a quieter spot in the club to handle her phone call. When she came back five minutes later, she didn't look as happy as she had when she left. "So, the boys ran into a spot of trouble."

"Did Charlie pull some good cop bad cop shit with Edward?" asked Kate with a grin as Rosalie shook her head.

"No, they ran into Jacob." I turned white as a ghost. Edward had never had the pleasure of meeting my ex-boyfriend, so I was certain this wasn't going to end well. I grabbed a blue shot and downed it, not even caring what the hell was in the tube. "Emmett said there was no fighting, although he thought that it might get to that before the night was over."

Fuck. I downed another shot. "Bella, pace yourself sweetie," laughed Esme. "Jasper won't let anything happen to Edward's face for the wedding photos." Damned, she had to be plastered if she thought my first concern was Edward's face. "Let's go dance and not worry about anything," she added as she grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor. I was certain Esme didn't know this song but she danced anyways while Alice, Rosalie and I danced around happily to the Framing Hanley version of 'Lollipop', with huge smiles on our faces.

I watched as Esme ordered another tray of shots from our waiter, Chris, and then pinched his ass as he walked away. My future mother in law was harassing our waiter, holy shit. I had no idea she had it in her, I thought to myself as I walked over to the table and wrapped my arm around her shoulder, bringing her back onto the dance floor. I was hoping that Esme would sweat out some of the alcohol that was coursing through her system, but as I would find out later in the evening, even though Esme had a low tolerance for alcohol, it made her aggressive as hell.

I was in the middle of the dance floor as 'Womanizer' by Britney Spears came overhead and I saw my worst nightmare walk in… Jacob Black. "What the fuck is he doing here?" I grumbled as Alice grasped my hand and pulled me back, but I just shook my head at her. "You have two minutes to talk and then I want you to walk back out the door and fuck the hell off," I stammered as Jacob stood in front of me stoically.

He grabbed my arm and led me to a quiet spot at the back of the club. "Why didn't you tell me you were getting married?" he asked as he leaned over me, my back against the wall. I looked behind him and noticed Alice was now chatting away on her cell phone, most likely to Jasper to let him know what was going on.

"It's none of your business Jacob. You gave up the right to know about my life the moment you slept with whoever the fuck she was on my couch," I yelled angrily as his hands rested on either side of my head against the wall, effectively keeping me in place.

"I'm sorry about that. I've been trying to get in touch with you for weeks," he said, his voice laced with sadness, which I didn't give a shit about.

"Listen, you coming here isn't going to make a difference in my life. We broke up a year ago and there is no way in hell we are getting back together, we were not meant to be. I'm marrying Edward in a few days and that's all there is to it," I stammered in response as I pushed against his chest, but he didn't move. "Go home Jacob."

"My home is with you," he said sadly as I felt the urge to kick him in the nuts.

"Well, my old apartment is free for the taking… go there. In fact, from my old bedroom you can see Edward and I's bedroom. Perhaps one night when you are feeling like shit, you'll look out the window and see Edward fucking me against the glass of our window. Did I mention he really knows how to please a woman?" I pushed against his chest again, hoping that my spiteful words to him would piss him off enough to leave me alone but as I tried to get free from him, but he leaned down and kissed me. His hand gripped the back of my neck and he tried to pull me closer to him when we were suddenly pulled apart thankfully.

"Holy fuck," I yelled out when I looked up and found my future mother in law firmly planted on Jacob's back, his head within her arms. She looked like she was giving him a noogie, her hands firmly entrenched in his long dark hair and he moved around, trying to get her off of his back. Fuck it was funny as hell to see Esme refuse to give up her hold on Jacob.

"Does Esme have Jacob in a headlock?" asked Rosalie as she came over to inspect the situation, followed by two burly bouncers who were trying to pull Esme off of Jacob, halfheartedly because they also found the situation hilarious.

"Keep your fucking paws and lips off of my daughter," yelled Esme as the bouncers pulled her to the ground and she then took the opportunity to kick Jacob swiftly in the nuts.

"Ouch," we all commented as Jacob put his hand over the family jewels and shielded them from Esme's wrath. As Esme was pulled outside, we all followed closely and Jacob kept screaming about pressing charges, which made Esme more vengeful. I glanced over at Alice, who was still on the phone, her hands flailing around wildly, no doubt explaining to her boyfriend how her mother was being carted off to jail for assaulting Jacob.

"Press charges you little bitch," she yelled at him, spurring him on. We waited outside for a few moments, Esme restrained by the bouncers who were laughing that Jacob was getting his ass handed to him by a forty eight year old woman. "You being a man whore was the best thing that ever happened to my family," she shouted across to Jacob who was fuming and glaring at her angrily. The police arrived moments later and Esme was cuffed and placed into the back of the cruiser, with a wide smile on her face, clearly proud of herself. This was certainly a memorable night.

"What precinct are you taking her to?" Rosalie asked the cop before he moved to get back into the car. He explained where we were going and she quickly stepped over to Alice and grabbed her cell phone, explaining to Jasper where we were going. "Alright ladies, get in the happy wagon," called Rosalie as she motioned to the mini-van she had rented for the evening. "We're off to get Esme out of the pokey."

EPOV

"Where do you think Jacob went?"I asked Jasper as we racked the balls for another round of pool.

"I don't give a fuck man. He's gone, let just try to enjoy this before Emmett forces us all to go see some skanky ladies peel their clothes off," sighed Jasper as we played a few more rounds of pool and his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. "Hi Alice," he grumbled as we walked back towards the table where the drunken threesome looked at him curiously.

"Who the heck is Esme riding?" yelled Jasper in shock as he raised his hand to his mouth and my father was suddenly furious. Apparently he was allowed to go to the strippers, but she hadn't been approved to ride anyone. "Alice, calm down and speak slowly."

"What the fuck is going on?" asked my father as he tapped his finger angrily against the table.

"Ok, Jacob showed up at the club and Esme just kicked him in the nuts," laughed Jasper as I stood up, followed by Carlisle and Charlie, all of us eager to get to the bar they were currently at. "Did you just say Jacob was pressing charges?" asked Jasper as he stood up, his hands running through his hair nervously. My father called our waitress over and quickly handed her his credit card, informing her that we had to be leaving immediately. She ran back to the cash and ran through the card, my father following closely behind to sign the credit card slip.

When Carlisle returned, he looked at Jasper expectantly, who was pacing beside the pool table a few feet away from us. When Jasper closed his cell phone a few minutes later, he had a wide grin on his face. "It appears we are off to the East Precinct, where Esme has been taken. She has been arrested for assault because she jumped on Jacob's back, got him into a headlock while verbally and physically assaulting him for kissing Bella," laughed Jasper as I felt my hands ball into fists again.

"I'll kill him," snapped Charlie as he took one last swig of his beer from the table and put his coat on.

"Can I go first?" I asked politely as Charlie nodded his head and smiled; apparently pleased I had nicely asked to beat up a friend of his family.

"Anyways, Esme also kicked him in the nuts and fought with the bouncers a bit, so she's on her way to the clink. Rosalie said she wasn't sure how much bail would be, but requested that we come down to help out," continued Jasper between his fits of giggles.

"Whoever would have thought Esme had it in her," added Charlie as we strolled out towards the parking lot and we all got into Jasper's car, albeit a little squished.

"Esme has a wild streak in her," explained Carlisle as I heard him groan from the backseat where he was lodged between Emmett and Charlie. "When she drinks, she gets a bit aggressive and very combative. I'm surprised Jacob only got kicked in the balls."

The tension in the car was palpable as we drove off towards the police precinct, with Emmett still complaining about how we should be allowed to go the strippers after the night was over. As we pulled into the parking lot, we noticed Kate, Rosalie and Angela pacing outside in the cold night air. "Where is my little Rocky?"

"She's inside being fingerprinted and photographed," laughed Rosalie as Carlisle and I bounded up the stairs and into the station. Bella and Alice were sitting in some seats against the wall, staring at the clock, both of them looking apologetic. When Bella saw me, her face fell slightly and I was beyond confused.

"I am so sorry. I didn't kiss him, I swear. He kissed me and then your mother launched herself from a chair onto his back and… fuck, this night didn't turn out anywhere near what I expected." Bella finally stopped talking and I grasped the back of her head, kissing her passionately to let her know I wasn't mad. When we finally broke apart, at Alice's insistence, we were both out of breath.

"I'm not upset. I know you wouldn't kiss Jacob if he was the last man on earth, so don't worry," I explained as she wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me close to her. "Nice shirt by the way," I whispered in her ear as I tugged on the t-shirt she was wearing. "You can keep that on when I fuck you later," I whispered quietly as I licked her ear lobe teasingly.

"When can I see my wife?" I heard my father ask the officer behind the main desk, who sorted through some paperwork and looked up at him with a smile.

"Cullen right? Your wife is the one who gave the beat down to the tall Indian fellow? She'll be ready to go in about twenty minutes, barring any unforeseen incidences," explained Officer Griffey as I looked at him curiously.

"What would define an unforeseen incidence?" I asked anxiously.

"Well, she's apparently being a little belligerent to the female officer who is currently assisting her. She may need to go into the drunk tank for the night," he said with a laugh as my father smacked himself on the forehead in frustration.

"Is it possible she can be released without the drunk tank. I mean, she's an upstanding citizen, does charitable work and has never been arrested before," I asked of the Officer as I noticed everyone else wander in and gather in the waiting area with us.

"Actually sir, she was arrested almost twenty five years ago for lewd acts in public," said the Officer with a grin as I looked at my dad, who looked like the cat who ate the canary.

"What? We were young… cut us some slack," he laughed as we saw Esme wander through the hallway near us, her face lighting up when she saw my father. She turned towards the policewoman, who escorted her towards us, both of them laughing happily, clearly getting along now.

"Carlisle thank god you are here," she said sweetly as my father hugged her gently and the officer pulled her back, away from him.

"It talks," he said with a drunken smile as Emmett and Rosalie wandered up beside us.

"Yeah, it's getting her to shut up, that's the trick," laughed Officer Jensen. "She's been processed and bail is set at fifteen hundred bucks. If you take care of it immediately with Officer Griffey, she can be released shortly." A collective sigh of relief went through the group as Carlisle stepped up to the main desk and whipped out his black AMEX card casually.

As we took our seats to await her release, Jacob walked through the station and was immediately tense when he saw our group waiting for my mother. "Did you get arrested too Black?" I asked smugly as he stopped and stared at me, his face burning with anger.

"Apparently kissing someone who is unwilling is considered sexual assault," he replied irritably as he stared at Bella, who was beaming happily, apparently very proud of herself for pressing charges against Jacob.

"I'll drop the charges if you drop yours against Esme," she snapped at him as he reluctantly nodded his head. Bella stood up and explained to Officer Griffey that the charges were being dropped, which relieved everyone in the group.

"I didn't mean for all of this to happen Bella. I just wanted to talk to you, talk you out of marrying this asshole," sighed Jacob as I walked up beside Bella and wrapped my arm possessively around her shoulder.

"Jacob, grow up. I'm not with you and I won't change my mind. Edward is what I want," she stated firmly as he signed a few forms that Officer Griffey gave him and he walked out of the precinct dejectedly.

"That was so much fun. Why don't I get arrested more often?" beamed my mother when she was finally released and hugging my father tightly.

"Since we're not allowed to go the strippers? How about we get my babies home," asked Emmett as we all looked at him curiously and Rosalie smacked him upside the head.

"Shut the hell up Emmett. You are such a drunken mess," she said in frustration as Emmett looked at her remorsefully.

"I'm sorry baby; I didn't want to let the cat out of the bag. You know I have no inner monologue when I'm drunk," he sighed as she hugged him gently. I looked down at Bella and both of us seemed to be putting the pieces of the puzzle together at the same time.

"Are you guys pregnant?" shouted out Bella as we walked down the steps of the police station and were met with silence from Rosalie and Emmett.

"Yup. My swimmers are apparently strong little bastards," said Emmett proudly as several of us groaned at the image he had presented us with.

"Shut your pie hole Emmett. It's an unexpected surprise, but a welcome one," said Rosalie genuinely as my parents wrapped them into a big hug, followed by Alice and Jasper and then Bella and me.

As I stood there, surrounded by my friends and family in the parking lot of the police station where my mother was just bailed out of jail for beating the shit out of my future wife's ex-boyfriend, I couldn't help but smile cheerfully. This wasn't how the night was supposed to go, but I wasn't complaining. In fact, everything felt oddly perfect. "Let's go home."