A/N: edited 09/01/15

Chapter 30: As the Wind Howls

Peeta

Three or four years ago, my teenage hormones were just coming into play and I could barely look at Katniss without busting a nut in my pants or go a day without a cold shower. I thought that, finally, I would've been able to control myself at seventeen.

But a naked Katniss Everdeen is lying next to me. I'm still coming down from that high. The sex is another thing entirely. I kiss her neck and she squirms under my touch, still half asleep, rolling over onto her side to face me, her grey eyes half-open and a lazy smile on her lips.

"Did last night really happen?" she asks, her voice low and throaty.

"What do you think?" I ask, my eyes roving her naked body. She blushes and pulls the blankets up to cover herself, tucking them under her arms to hold them in place. I pull her close, resting my chin on the top of her head. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" she asks, tracing shapes on my chest with her index finger.

"No regrets?"

"Peeta," she starts, tilting her head back so that she can look at me fully. Her eyes are smouldering, her hair spread about her like spilt ink, and her lips are pink and plump. She's beautiful. "The last time I woke up in your bed naked, I freaked out, ran away, and regretted everything that I assumed had happened," I smile and she shifts, moving closer to my face, and the movement causes her breasts to scrape against my chest. I swallow. Keep control, Peeta. "But I don't regret anything now."

"Good."

"I have no regrets, not anymore."

"It takes a lot to have no regrets."

"You must have done something right then," Katniss grins, pushing herself upright and kissing me. My hands find their way to her waist and I pull her flush to me, and the little whimper that escapes from her throat make me groan. The way Katniss is moving against me isn't helping the situation downstairs, and I try to think of anything that could distract me, anything at all, but Katniss is everywhere. In the air, in my skin, in my heart, in my head. I can't ignore her. When she pulls away, her lips are shiny and swollen, and I gasp when her hand sneaks down my body to grasp me tightly.

"Katniss..." I warn, gritting my teeth, but she's already kissing down my chest, over my stomach, lower and lower under the blankets until – "Oh- fuck," I hiss. Katniss hums contently, the sound vibrating through me, and I close my eyes, my head dropping down onto the pillow. She continues to work, swirling her tongue around the tip of my cock before sucking in her cheeks and bobbing her head up and down my length. I throw my arm over my eyes, trying my hardest to stop my hips bucking up.

"It's okay, Peeta. Let go," she says, and her hand pumps the base of my cock, her mouth tight around my head, her tongue making me melt on the inside. Moans escape from my lips despite my efforts to stop it, my hips bucking off the bed. Katniss isn't fazed, and lets me thrust up against her face, sucking in her cheeks as tight as she can.

"K-Katniss... I'm going to come," I warn her. She grips my thigh, her nails digging in, and it's this feeling that sends me over the edge. Katniss swallows and crawls back up the bed to lie beside me, her cheeks flushed.

"You d-didn't have to... uh... swallow," I stammer.

"I know."

"You didn't have t-to do any of that."

"I wanted to. I enjoyed last night, Peeta. It's only fair."

"This isn't some sort of competition- that we have to be equal." I say. Katniss shrugs her shoulders.

"Why are you complaining? I've just given you head, and you're complaining." She barks out a short laugh.

She's right though. Katniss has given herself to me and all I do in response is complain. Not only is it rude, but it's also incredibly stupid. I can practically hear Rye and Fen shaking their heads and wondering why their little brother is such an idiot. But I do have a reason. And a good one, it would seem. Katniss is fragile, I know that, even though she tries to hide it. I know that she's careful of where she places her heart, and who she hands it to, so her giving me all that trust is something pretty remarkable.

"Did you mean it?" I ask, squeezing my eyes shut, almost dreading her answer. "When you said that you loved me?"

Katniss is silent for a long time, and I begin to panic. Have I scared her off? Pushed it too far? Brought it up too soon? "Yes. I meant it," she finally says, her voice steady. My heart swells in my chest.

"You well and truly love me?" I ask. I know I'm being a big sappy romantic but this is important. I want to know where Katniss stands when she says she loves me. Loving someone and being in love with someone are two very different things.

"I think- I know that I do... Mom said that she could see it in my eyes over dinner yesterday. She said that she could tell," Katniss takes a deep breath, burying her face in my chest. She sighs before saying something else, but her words are muffled against my skin.

I begin rubbing gentle circles over her slender shoulder with my thumb. "I can't hear you," I tell her, and she lifts her head so she can speak freely.

"I was scared, okay? Scared that you didn't love me in the same way or that I didn't love you in the way you wanted me to. I am scared. I've seen what love can do to people and how it tore what was left of my family apart and left empty shells behind and I didn't know if I could handle loving someone that much because people always leave, Peeta. They worm their way into my heart and then they leave. They always go and I've left to pick up the pieces and start again."

"Katniss-" I say, trying to stop her rant.

"You've always been the nice guy who would smile at me at school or in town even if you were with your friends or if I was looking like shit because I hadn't eaten. I thought it was weird that you always smiled because there was absolutely nothing to smile about!"

"Katniss, stop-"

"All this time and I never once thanked you for saving my life, Prim's life and Mom's life with that bread because I knew that if I got close enough to really thank you, you would work your way into my heart no matter how hard I tried to block you out. And I didn't want you to leave, Peeta. I never want you to leave because-"

She's beginning to hyperventilate, her eyes wide and frightened as she babbles on and on so I kiss her. She lets out a surprised little squeak from being cut off so abruptly and so suddenly, but as I grasp her face in my hands, I feel her jaw relax as she kisses me back. Her hands curl into fists on my chest and I pull away, resting my forehead against hers to wait for our breathing to slow.

"Because I've grown so attached to you-" Katniss continues. I kiss her again. "And I love you too much-" I kiss her again, pushing her down onto the mattress and moving my mouth against hers in earnest. "So please don't leave me." She whispers, and I kiss her until I need to break for breath. She doesn't say a thing, allowing me to speak.

"Katniss, I'm never going to leave you. I'm always going to be here."

"Always?"

"Always."

She tugs on her bottom lip with her teeth. "I… love you, Peeta."

"I know," I smile. "I love you too."

We spend the rest of the day in bed, napping, kissing, and simply talking- enjoying each other's presence. I go downstairs and bring up leftovers for us to eat and Katniss repeatedly gets out of bed, grumbling about the baby and how it's pressing down on her bladder, resulting in her needing to pee more than usual.

"I swear, I'm gonna kill it if it keeps this up," she says from the bathroom. I get up, pulling on some light grey pants, and go into the bathroom where Katniss is standing in front of the mirror, tugging my shirt down over her thighs.

"Nah, you won't," I say, coming up behind her and wrapping my arms around her to keep her still. She rests her head on my shoulder, bringing my hands round to rest on her stomach, keeping them in place and smiling into the mirror. I kiss her neck and she shivers, leaning into me. "Four months, Katniss."

"Shit."

"And then we're gonna be in deeper trouble than we are now."

"Fuck."

"And we'll be kept up day and night by a crying infant."

"You're doing all the dirty work." Katniss wrinkles her nose.

"Like what?"

"Like changing diapers and feeding it and looking after it and cooking and cleaning."

"And what are you going to do?" I ask. Katniss rolls her eyes.

"I'm going to kick back and relax because I'm the one who did all the manual labour," she remarks. "You men get it easy."

"No we don't."

"Yeah you do!" she exclaims, spinning around and facing me. "You don't have PMS or have to carry and push out the baby and our tits get sore and our feet hurt and our backs hurt and the list just goes on and on," she exhales loudly, rubbing her eyes.

"Your tits sore?" I ask tactfully, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, Peeta, boobs hurt," she replies. "Especially since I never had them in the first place."

"I like your boobs."

"Of course you do." She says, looking down at her chest. I tilt her head back and kiss her, pressing her back against the sink. She sighs, kissing me back gently, her hands on my waist.

"I can feel the baby moving." I mumble against her lips.

"He always moves when you're around."

"He?"

"It's easier than saying he or she or it." I kneel on the tiled floor, lift her shirt and kiss her belly.

"Hello he or she or it." I say. Katniss laughs.

"He or she can't be it."

"Why not?" I ask. Katniss gives me a withering look. "He or she or it can be whatever they want to be. I'm not going to try and stop them."

For the rest of the year the district remains buried under a deep blanket of snow that replenishes itself overnight, destroying all efforts at trying to clear roads and pathways. Katniss spends her time walking around the district, buying things for the baby and for the house, desperate to rid it of the Capitol emptiness that was there when we first moved it.

While she sleeps peacefully through the night, I pull on an old pair of overalls, a worn jacket and hard hat, completing the look with a lantern. And then I walk through the Seam under the cover of darkness to endure a night's work underground.

It's called the graveyard shift for two reasons. One, because way before the Dark Days, way before Panem, people used to get buried alive, so someone would be employed to listen out for the ringing of a bell in the graveyard which meant that someone was alive. And two, because it's at this time when the most deaths happen. I haven't experienced anything horrible yet, but pray every time I am lowered into the ground that I will make it back out alive.

Imagine if I was killed deep underground, and when the Peacekeepers came round to tell the deceased miners' families of the terrible event, how confused Katniss would be. He doesn't work in the mines! What are you talking about?! And then she would be heartbroken, I'm sure. Torn to shreds because I had kept such a secret from her. It would be like her father dying all over again, and just when I had promised her that I would never leave her.

During the day I fight the tiredness that threatens to overtake me. I work at the bakery sometimes, trying to help my family out now that I've practically abandoned them. I work on the more expensive orders and ensure they are completed, icing endless cakes. It's a vicious circle that's doing nothing but making me tired, but I've built up a good amount of savings that will be useful when the baby arrives.

But sometimes, when I'm digging at rock to find a pitiful amount of coal for hours, only to come to the surface with a few gold coins and an aching body, it just doesn't seem worth it. And then I come home and see Katniss and the baby growing inside her and I know that I've done that to her, so I have to be the one who makes sure she's okay.

It's the tenth of January when we wake to find that it hasn't snowed during the night. Our paths dug the day before are still there, and people are moving around the street, running errands and getting jobs done. Finally people can do what they need to do. The bakery is going to be packed for the next few days as more and more people buy food. I'm sure that many District 12 residents have begun to dig in to their emergency rations, and are now shopping to replenish their pantries.

"I'm going to the bakery today. Dad's gonna need help- it'll be busy," I tell Katniss over breakfast. She nods, leaning back in her chair and grimacing, rubbing her stomach in circles. She's nearing the third trimester of her pregnancy, which is when the real pain starts (according to the book Mrs Everdeen sent us along with a bottle of lotion from Prim that promised to get rid of stretch marks). I made the mistake of joking that surely you'll need more than a small bottle of lotion to help with all the stretch marks, and Katniss glowered at me from across the table before standing, flouncing out of the kitchen and locking herself in the bathroom.

I don't joke about it anymore.

"I think I'll head out to the Seam- see how Mom and Prim are doing. If we were snowed in here, i's going to be hell out there," she replies, stirring her bowl of porridge thoughtfully.

"Be careful," I say, knowing that trying to keep inside is impossible.

"I'm not gonna go traipsing through the woods, Peeta," she snaps, her eyes steely. "Stop fussing, for God's sake."

"I'm not fussing," I frown. "I was just saying to be careful."

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No, I just-"

"Because I'm not. You're the one who has made me fat and ugly, Peeta. Stop telling me what to do as well. I'm not a child!" She stands, flying to the sink to scrape her uneaten breakfast down the drain.

"Katniss, I'm not saying that at all-"

"You meant it though, didn't you?!"

"Listen to yourself-"

"Can you not see that I'm stressed? I can't sleep, I can't eat because you won't let me eat chocolate, I have to go pee every ten minutes and people stare at me like I've got four heads and orange skin! I'm not a freak from the Capitol! I'm pregnant!"

"I let you have chocolate- just not too much because it's bad for you and the baby," I say calmly, knowing that this is just a mood swing. She doesn't mean it, not really. Exhaustion and frustration have simply taken over.

"Fuck the baby! Fuck you! Fuck everything!" she hisses, storming out of the room and up the stairs. I wait for the bedroom door to slam before climbing to my feet and following her. I open the door- thank God we haven't installed locks yet- and find Katniss sprawled out on the bed, her arms and legs spread in a star shape, a pillow over her head.

"Katniss-"

"Go away."

"Katniss-"

"Go away, Peeta."

"Katniss-"

"Are you deaf? Get out!" she shouts. I sigh, running my hand through my hair before shutting the door. I pull her dark green, thick woollen socks off her feet. "What are you doing?" She asks, her voice quieter but still annoyed. I don't answer, but sit on the end of the bed and pull her feet into my lap, picking up one foot and massaging it, running my thumbs up the arch repeatedly.

"Just hear me out, okay?" I ask. I get no reply from beneath the pillow. "Look, I know that-"

"I didn't say yes!"

"You also didn't say no."

"You're frustrating," she grumbles into the pillow. "I hate you."

I chuckle softly, ignoring her words and continuing to massage her feet. "I know that I won't fully understand how you are feeling, but I'll try my best. I know that this is tough on you, and that you've got enough on your plate without being pregnant, but you don't mean all that shit. You're just frustrated and angry and upset-"

"Yeah, because everyone-"

"Because everyone stares and points and whispers and laughs and makes up names for you. And because you waddle like a duck when try to climb the stairs." I finish for her.

"I do not."

"You do." I say with a smile. Katniss pulls the pillow away from her face and just stares up at the ceiling.

"It does hurt," she blows and piece of hair from her face. "All the name-calling and gossiping. They act like I'm not there. Like I don't have ears or eyes. Or feelings."

"I know." I nod sympathetically, thinking as the way my fellow co-workers down at the mines shake their heads with pity and confusion when they see my blonde head among their dark haired ranks. They don't know why a Merchant is there, taking their jobs.

"Marlene called me 'Slag Queen Slut' the other day. It's nothing new; nothing I haven't heard before, but she blew up her cheeks and patted her stomach and all her friends laughed," Katniss says, her bottom lip stuck out. "And they all asked me how it was to carry around a spare tire all the time or how it was shacking up in town instead of the shit hole where I belong! Madge and Mitch turned up and got me out of it, but they still kept shouting things at me."

I feel sick. Madge and Mitch? I knew that they were still together, but I wasn't aware that they were public with their relationship. I suppose that's what happens when you argue with your best friend and don't talk to them afterwards. You miss everything that's going on in their life.

"None of that is true, Katniss." I finally say.

"It is! I'm out of place here. I should be in the Seam," she pulls her feet away and curls up into a ball as best as she can. "And I am ugly and fat."

"You aren't ugly and fat."

"I'm ugly and fat and no one's gonna want me. No one wants the teenage girl with a baby," she whispers, on the verge of tears. I stand up and move to the top of the bed to lie beside her, pulling her against my chest and rocking her slowly.

"Do you want my honest opinion?" I whisper into her ear.

"No."

I ignore her. "Of course you're going to put on weight- that's what having a baby does to you! But by no accounts are you fat. And you are most definitely not ugly, that's for sure. In fact, I think you've never looked better. You aren't out of place in the Merchant Quarters, it's just that everyone who lives here is old fashioned and can't accept that there is nothing wrong with someone from the Seam marrying a Merchant, or vice versa. And the Seam isn't a shit hole."

"It's just 'run down'." Katniss says, lowering her voice.

"Was that meant to be an impression of me?"

Katniss laughs, sniffing and wiping her tears away with the cuff of her sleeve. "I'm sorry for shouting at you and being a bitch."

"That's okay." I say.

"So you agree? That I'm a bitch?"

"No... Why would I ever do that?" I say, mimicking her tone of voice. She shoves me. I kiss her. She kisses me back.

Propped up against the wall beside the front door of the bakery is a big plastic tub. Written on a chalk board under above the tub is a short message: 'Please leave all muddy shoes in basket before entering bakery. Thank you!' I glance down at the empty tub. Clearly nobody has listened. I wipe my feet on the door mat and push open the door, the sound of the bell ringing familiar and comforting. I've missed this place.

"Peeta!" Dad says from behind the counter as I work my way past al the customers. "How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"Katniss and co?"

"They're doing fine as well," I nod my head. Moving closer to him, I gesture to the bucket on the porch. "That sign isn't working."

"I know," Dad sighs. "I tried."

"You need some help?" I ask. "I'm gonna be here all day."

"Really? Well, yeah. Sure. We've got a list of orders in the kitchen," he says, totaling up someone's orders. I disappear into the kitchen, hanging up my coat, washing my hands, and pulling on an apron. Fen is stoking the ovens, Rye is rolling dough, and Mom is actually helping, washing a pan. She looks so out of place that I have to do a double take.

"Peeta." She snaps, turning and seeing me.

"Mom. Hi."

"Well don't just stand there. Get a move on. We've got a lot of orders coming in today." I nod, moving over to read the list of orders pinned to the wall. What makes me frown is the order from the Everdeen's'. They want a cake (two-tiered), with chocolate sponge in both tiers and white icing with flowers. What could it be for? Is there an occasion coming up that I don't know about? Is it Prim's birthday? Is it Mrs Everdeen's birthday?

"Is this order right?" I ask quietly, going over to Rye. He looks up at the paper and nods.

"Yeah. Primrose came in and asked for it. Said it was for something special," I pin the list back up again. I suppose I should start making it. I hope Dad won't charge them. And if he does, that he won't charge them too much. Besides, we're practically family now.

Throughout the day Dad and Fen move in and out of the kitchen and the shop, carrying trays of still-warm loaves and buns and pastries out of the kitchen, and returning with new trays to fill. Mom makes multiple batches of brownies- I have no idea how she remembered how to make them after all these years of barely helping- and they end up selling quickly. Rye perfects the method of rolling two pieces of dough into separate balls using both hands, and I bake the cake that the Everdeen's wanted. After it's cooled I sandwich them together using chocolate and begin to mix white icing. After layering fondant over the entire thing I start making flowers, resting my elbow on the countertop to keep my hand steady.

"How the fuck do you do that?" Rye whispers. I jump, messing up the petal I'm creating.

"Carefully," I say, glaring at him, scraping the flower off to start again. I've decided to go for Primrose flowers around the bottom of each layer, and various other flowers and leaves winding their way around the entire cake.

"So, little brother, how's it going with Everdeen?" Rye asks.

"Has she kicked you out yet?" Fen queries.

I roll my eyes. "Katniss and I are doing fine."

"Fine? Really? You're telling us that you've finally moved in with the girl you've been crushing on for years and you haven't pulled out any of the cards we advised you on?"

"Come on, Peet. This is standard knowledge. Us Mellarks can't afford to be lazy when it comes to getting in some girl's pants," Fen says. I look down, fighting a smirk.

"Your pick-up lines are horrendous."

"Are not!"

"Are too," I say. " 'Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?' That's a crap pick-up line."

"If you want to make a girl weak at the knees, just throw in one of those and you'll get to second base at least."

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Fen contributes. "Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"

"Hello, I'm a thief. I'm here to steal your heart.".

"Alternatively, you could just walk up to them and say 'Hi, I have big feet'," Rye cackles, high fiving Fen.

"Oh, come on! Don't tell me that you haven't tried at least one of those lines on her?" Fen asks, noticing my expression.

"No! I haven't! How often have they actually worked for you anyway?" I shake my head, moving over to the ovens with the tray of bread rolls Rye made. When I turn, both of my siblings are watching me with narrowed eyes and mischievous smirks. "What?" I ask.

"You've already slept with her, haven't you?"

"Have you never heard of the birds and the bees?"

"Way to go little brother!" Rye laughs, pulling me into a headlock and ruffling my hair. "How was it?"

"I'm not tell you anything, creep. And don't go hassling her either. She's have a tough enough time as it is."

"Domestic problems?"

"No, no. It's other people calling her names that getting under her skin."

"Mitch came in with Undersee," Fen says. "Was talking about how some chicks in your grade were being bitches." I don't respond, continuing to wash pots.

"You and Mitch have been friends forever, Peeta. You should at least try to talk to him. What did you even argue about?"

"Stupid shit. It doesn't matter," I say, disappearing into the kitchen to help Dad. I refuse to think about Mitch for the rest of the day, distracting myself by helping Dad serve customers. I bake, I serve, I mop the floor. I polish the display case and the window, and even dig out an old can of paint and paint over the letters that name the bakery so they look clean and fresh for the New Year. Dad calls me down when the sun begins to set, and hands me an envelope.

"What's this?" I ask.

"Don't tell your mother. It's just a little something." My father shakes his head. I open the envelope and find a cheque written out to me.

"Dad, no. I can't take this!" I protest, slipping it back into the envelope and pushing it back across the counter to him like it's on fire.

"Peeta, I know that it must be difficult. When the baby arrives it's going to be even worse. I just-"

"I'm sorry for not working here as much as used to. I've just been busy."

"I just want to give you a piece of mind, son. You've been looking tired lately," Dad says calmly, his eyes sad. "Please, just take it. If not for you, for Katniss and my grandchild."

"Don't play the guilt card on me."

"I wouldn't be playing it if you just took the money," he raises his eyebrows. I take the money, slipping the envelope into my pocket.

"Thank you."

"You're very welcome."

"Did you have a good Christmas?"

"It was lovely. It was shame that we couldn't get through to you guys though."

"There will be many Christmas that we'll be able to share in the future, don't worry."

Dad pulls off his apron. "How about you? Did you get everything you wanted?"

"Yeah, I would say so," I reply. I'm sure that my cheeks are bright pink right now. The smirk that works its way onto my father's face shows that he's guessed what I've been trying hide.

"Treat her right, son. Don't let the one you love get away. It's so much easier that way."

"I better get back. She said that she'd be at her old place today with Prim and her Mom."

"Tell them I said hello then," Dad says and I nod, pulling on my coat and heading out into the cold, hunching my shoulders up by my ears and hiding my face in my collar, trying to protect myself from the icy wind. It's going to be hell in the mines tonight. Absolute hell. And then I'll probably go and work at the bakery. And then the cycle will start all over again.