UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Blaine contemplated the heavy book in front of him. He knew he had hours of homework ahead of him but as had been the case lately, he couldn't find the desire to memorize more anatomical terms. His musical theory class was the only class that he was truly enjoying and able to immerse himself in. One of his pre-med professors had already pulled him aside and asked him to question whether or not medicine was his true passion. He was certainly not showing an aptitude for it. That was something Grandpa would not be hearing about, he would be livid. Music was a hobby, not a career. Despite that, Blaine couldn't stop thinking of what it would be like to pursue music as a career. Even to just get a degree to teach music to kids or get involved in musical therapy. Here it was, only a month into his freshmen year and he was already thinking about ditching the dream he'd had since he was little. It was something to bring up in his Dominant Crisis Classes. They were bound to have some advice for him.
He wondered if Kurt would be proud of him for attending the classes. It was the first thing he had signed up for after registering for his classes and getting settled in his tiny dorm room. The Dominant Crisis Classes covered a variety of topics from Dominant Identity Crisis, which helped Doms learn to be stronger in their role as Dom to Dominant Anger Management classes which Blaine was in as well as Dominant Domestic Abuse. That was the hard class to be in. The anger management could be easily explained away as him having anger problems, which he obviously did. But walking into a room with a large sign outside that said Dominant Domestic Abuse let everyone know exactly what kind of Dom he was.
If that weren't bad enough, he had literally gone light headed when he had left the class and walked right into one of his Anatomy classmates, Lily. She was in his study group and though they hadn't hit it off personality wise, she had proven to be a bright and capable member of the study group. She had made it clear that she would not be treated differently just because she was a sub. Nobody had treated her differently which confused Blaine until his new friend Brian had filled in the blanks. Lily had apparently left her abusive soul mate in order to follow her dream of becoming a doctor. Now here he was walking out of a class that screamed BEWARE! ABUSIVE DOM! And the small woman had glared at him for a solid minute before stalking away from him.
She hadn't told anyone where she had seen him which was a relief, but Blaine felt the need to explain why he was going there and what had happened with Kurt. She had agreed to sit down for coffee and he told her his entire story. It was painfully cathartic to just sit there and spill his guts especially knowing it was being heard by non-sympathetic ears. When he was finished, she sat there and glared at him, tears shimmering in her brown eyes.
"How could you do that to him? I just, I do not get it! What is with you Dominants who think you should be able to treat your sub any old way you want to, damage us, hurt us, change us forever with your abuse, and then expect us to come prancing back, eager to dive at your feet and worship you? Are you fucking kidding me?" She had stood up, this five foot nothing little blond and she had smacked him right across the face.
"You make me sick. You do not deserve to have that man as your soul mate. I hope he never takes you back," she cried and stormed away.
Surprisingly, she still didn't say anything to anyone and continued to be a part of the study group. Blaine did get the hint, however, and kept his distance from her.
The only other person who knew Blaine's story was another study buddy, Etienne. He had proved to be a real friend, the only one Blaine felt he had in the entire state. He was probably the loudest man Blaine had ever met, even during normal conversation. He dressed in every color imaginable as long as it didn't match. He called everyone Darling, including the professors, who surprisingly, just smiled and moved on. Nobody knew how the man got away with being so sassy, but he did. One afternoon, they had hung out in Blaine's dorm drinking cup after cup of coffee trying to slog their way through their homework. Etienne had commented on the Spartan look of the room. Blaine said something about Kurt not being around to turn it into their home. Of course, Etienne had to know who Kurt was and then Blaine had opened the floodgates and poured out his entire story. Other than his group and Lily, Etienne was the only other person he would share his story with in California. When he was done, he was sobbing into Etienne's shoulder, begging for forgiveness. From who, he did not know. Etienne let him cry himself out then grabbed his chin. For the first time ever, he'd called him by his name, not Darling.
"Blaine, now that you got that out of your system, you need to get over yourself. You fucked up. Not just a normal fuck up that can be fixed. You fucked up someone's life, someone's body, and worst of all, you fucked up his trust. That man entrusted you with his heart, his body, his submission and you just trampled all the fuck over it. And you want him back?" Etienne had asked.
"More than anything," Blaine said passionately, his golden eyes wide and sincere.
"Honestly? I would put money on the fact that he never speaks to you again. I wouldn't," Etienne said bluntly.
"Then what do I do?" he asked, feeling desperate. He had to get Kurt back, had to show him he was a new person. He could be the soul mate Kurt needed and deserved. He hoped.
"You make yourself into that new person. Finish every single one of those crisis classes, including an alcoholic abuse class. Fix your damage. Then you present yourself, put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable like he was forced to do. If he accepts you, fantastic. But, Blaine, if he denies you, which I think is most likely, you are going to need to suck it up and deal with it. You hurt him bad enough, he doesn't need any more from you. You do not deserve him. I am sorry to be so blunt, but you do not. You made your bed, you sleep in it. Alone. I know you probably wanted me to assure you that he would take you back, but I will not do that, especially because I know it's not true. Most likely, you will need to start accepting the fact that you will not have him in your life anymore."
His friend had then held him as he cried again, trying to accept the truth of Etienne's words. He could not accept it, not yet. He had to try. He pulled out his phone and showed Etienne some pictures of Kurt.
The taller man shook his head. "You hit that angel? How dumb are you? That boy is beautiful," Etienne said, flipping through the pictures. "I would have done anything in my power to make this boy happy. Damn, you lucked out and then you go and fuck it all up. Top notch, Blaine. Well done."
Etienne had left soon after. They had talked again a couple days later and Etienne assured Blaine he would stay his friend, but would not be comfortable giving advice on how to get Kurt back. Blaine understood, though that left him alone in his journey to make Kurt his again. He got some comfort from hearing Etienne calling him Darling again. It was a small comfort, but one he welcomed.
Blaine had decided to do what he did best and sing his emotions. He had found a small piano bar near the dorms and had applied to play music for a few hours in the evening. The pay was practically non-existent but he didn't care. All he wanted was the chance to sing out his heart. He had found a sympathetic soul in the bartender who had agreed to record his songs so Blaine could upload them to his Facebook. He could only hope Kurt found them somehow, though he would never know either way. He could try and find his address and send him something in person, but that was an invasion of privacy Blaine could not be okay with. It was bad enough he had let Grandpa carry through with the private investigator.
Though it had taken some time and people he would rather not know his Grandfather was capable of hiring, Blaine had finally learned Kurt was in New York. He had known, of course, where else would he be? But he had needed the confirmation to ease the worry in his heart. His first instinct had been to fly out there and find him, beg him or even order him to come home, despite the loss of their connection. Would a Dom order still work? He doubted it. He wished he could say for certain that he knew he would never do that to Kurt. But he didn't know. What he did know was that he missed Kurt so damn much. Knowing where he was, was a relief and a hindrance. All he could think about was that in a few hours' time he could be in the same state as his beloved. After finding out he was in New York, he had taken several days to decide on what course he would take. His grandfather, of course, was set on finding Kurt and bringing him home, broken connection or not. He'd seen a look on his grandmother's face, almost disgust, as she'd gazed at her husband. She had told both of them to leave Kurt in peace. Blaine had eventually agreed with her and told his grandfather to call off the investigator. He had and Blaine had been able to move on as much as he could.
Pushing aside his anatomy homework, he watched the recording of last night's song and rubbed his chin.
Return to me
Oh my dear I am so lonely
Hurry back, hurry back
Oh my love hurry back I am yours
Return to me
For my heart wants you only
Hurry home, hurry home
Will not you please hurry home to my heart
My darling, if I hurt you I am sorry
Forgive me and please say you are mine
Return to me
Please come back bella mia
Hurry back, hurry home to my arms
To my lips and my heart
Ritornate a me (Return to me)
Cara mia ti amo (Honey I love you)
Solo tu, solo tu, solo tu, solo tu (Only you, only you, only you)
Mio cuore (My heart)
He knew Kurt loved this song as it was from one of his favorite movies, Return to Me. Was this the one he should upload to his Facebook? Should he pick a different one? Should he put some sort of message on it? Would Kurt even look at it? He shook his head, trying to figure out what the hell he was doing. There was nothing saying Kurt would even look at Blaine's Facebook, much less watch a video. Could he blame him? No. Did he hope Kurt would watch? Yes. Did he hope that singing one song could undo all the damage he had created? Well, it seemed to work in TV shows where anything serious could be fixed in one hour with no lasting consequence. More often than not, anything bad could be fixed with a well-timed, well picked song. So, yeah, it should be that easy for him. Did he really think it would be? Of course not. He was an idiot, but even he had some brain cells left.
Blaine again considered the list of songs he had compiled all for the sake of trying to woo Kurt or at least let him know that he was still loved. How many times per day was he going to feel like slamming his own head into a wall? It felt like he was living in a nightmare that he just could not wake up from. He had to do something.
Leaving the table, he grabbed his phone and called one of his mentors from the Dominant Crisis Class. He spoke with the man for almost forty five minutes and when he hung up, he smiled broadly. A real smile, not forced, something he hadn't experienced much over the last couple of months. He had a plan and he was going to put it into place right then.
Three hours later, his life had changed once more. He was no long Blaine Anderson, future Doctor of Medicine. Now he was Blaine Anderson, future musical therapist with a minor in education. He was going to help hurt people and just maybe he would be able to use it to help pay back to the universe the awful things he had to do to Kurt.
With a skip to his step, he headed off for the piano bar, the lyrics of the song he was going to sing for Kurt dancing around in his mind. He would sing and record this song and then post it on his Facebook page. Then he would write the perfect message to him and it would somehow, some way, begin his journey back to his true love.
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
He titled the video "For Kurt" and wrote underneath:
My darling soul mate, my beautiful Kurt,
I pray this song reaches you and brightens your day. You are the reason for all that I do. You are the reason I get out of bed and get through a day of studies. You are the reason I am working on making myself a better person. A better man. A man who deserves you. I am so sorry that we are not living all of these minutes and days together. I do hope you are loving each moment of your dream. I will leave you in peace and will not interfere with the life you have chosen to live. Instead, I will support you from afar, applauding each step you will take in a life I know will be filled with success and excitement. You are still my teenage dream, Kurt, you always will be. Enjoy each day you are given and live it to the absolute fullest. I will still be here loving you every single moment of every day.
I love you, baby.
Love, Blaine.
. . . . . . . . .
Return to Me: Joey Gian version
The Reason: Hoobastank