(*) – Taken from the saying "there's a child in all of us"
(!) – Yu-gi-oh, One piece, Yu yu hakusho, Ruroni Kenshin, Dragon Ball Z, Shaman King had been/are featured in Shoenen Jump.
Commentary from
Ginpachi Sensei!!!
"Haiiiiii. Everyone take your seats." The silver-headed sensei walked casually into the classroom of 3-Z as the rambunctious students settled into their seats. He casually had a 'cig' dangling about his lips as he dropped the books in his hands on the desk.
"Sensei!" cried the foreign exchange student, "He's picking on me!" she whined pointing a finger at Shinpachi.
"What did I ever do to you?!"
"Sensei," called Kondo, "I need to use the bathroom," he cried squeezing his legs, buckling the knees together.
"Not now. Sit down."
"Sensei," Toshi raised a hand most respectively, "Somebody carved 'DIE HIJIKITA' all over my desk."
Eyes flew to the innocent looking boy who sat next to him.
"Mmmm it looks like you have a death wish, Hijikita-san, I'd watch your back if I were you," A switch blade glistened deep within the confinements of his desk, that's filled with tons of other 'toys'.
"Yosh," The sensei turned his back as he picked up the piece of chalk, "Today's lesson—er—no, my bad," He crossed out the word 'lesson', "…class, we'll be reviewing reviews. We've got a couple of letters we're going over and answering them to the best of my ability."
"Sensei!!!" piped Kondo, "Bathroom!" he squeaked.
"Wrong. Our first letter isn't from Bathroom but comes to us from Calcium FIST." He rummaged through some papers on his desk to pull out a post card.
"Ehh…" Kondo dropped his head to the desk resting his cheek on the smooth surface, both hands stuffed between his legs, "….That's… not what I…"
Sougo tore the edge of his notebook and slipped the sliver of paper into his mouth.
Kagura picked her nose.
Shinpachi sighed.
Toushiro wondered if what was hanging from Sensei's lips is a lollipop or really a cigarette.
"It says:
Brilliant! Great job with Gin's character! It's so great you write him geeking out.
Geeking out…" He cautiously scratched his head, "I wouldn't call it geeking out, rather it's called over excitement. Let me put it this way. It's like the jittery adrenaline received from over dosing on too many energy drinks. The internal organs are vibrating at micro sonic speeds, the mind crashes to single thoughts of obsession. Sugar. Strawberry milk. Jump. The newest updated chapter. The newest updated chapter. The newest updated chapter. The newest updated—,"
"Sensei,"
"Huh?"
"That's a cigarette, without a doubt," Hijikita interjected.
Sougo steadied his aim with his blowgun.
"Wrong." Ginpachi removed the questionable object from his lips, "It's a sugar stick."
"That smokes," Toshi spat back in disbelief.
"Because of the high fructose corn syrup. It's so high on fructose that is causes fructuous friction that smokes." He returned the sacred item to his lips and took a long satisfying drag.
No matter how I see it, it's a cigarette, Toshi and Shinpachi chanted mentally at the same time.
"Arigato, Calcium FIST for the review," He directed his dreary gaze towards the screen, "Your words give off marshmallow fluffiness that can be burned for creative energy used by fan fiction writers everywhere."
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Kondo rushed out knocking his chair off to the side as he desperately charged out of the room.
In the mist of the sudden confusion, Sougo shot several spit-soaked balls landing on his target's cheek.
"You bastard!" roared Toshi. Yamasaki rapidly stood grabbing on to his arms from behind.
"Don't do it!"
"I swear, I'll kill you! Bastard!"
"Asshole"
"Fuckfaced—,"
"Oogoshi-kun," A glucose induced fume seethed from between his lips whizzing into the air, "Wait till after class to kill each other. I don't want to be looking after dead bodies… Our next letter actually has a question and even a suggestion. It comes from XxabridgedgirlxX.
"Sensei!" cried the exchange student with flaming red hair and googly nerd glasses, "She gives two kisses in front and two at the end! BIG kiss, little kiss, little kiss, BIG kiss…"
"I don't think that's the reason why the "x's" are there…" groaned Shinpachi.
Sensei straightened his glasses as he took the cutely decorated post card and read it.
Looks really great, like the way it's written, beginning was hilarious. Just wondering, is there going to be any plot?
He looked up, directing his attention towards the screen, "First things first; I'd like to thank you for taking the time submitting this and providing comments and questions. Now, I will get to the point. Randomness itself is a plot. Anything that is continuously randomly weaved in a randomly patterned random way, is a random-ish thought-out plot. Yes, this has a plot, but remember, this fanfic contains alcohol; I can't guarantee any sanity."
Kondo walked in breathing a sigh of relief. He settled into his seat.
"It goes on to say:
But I don't think it needs an M-rating
That's true. That is the absolute truth. The T-rating is hip and sexy-looking, attracting more readers while the "M" scares people shitless and is stalked by others looking for a good lemon." He raised a finger and calmly closed his eyes, "This 'M' is act of self protection! You know the flamers, right?" He turned to doodle on the board, "… the midget-size gnomes packed with pyro-like tendencies that jack off from good insults and human mangled cries of anguish and suffering? They are out there. Waiting.
He put down the piece of chalk exposing childish stick figures.
Scratching his head, he thought for a moment.
"You know what? Fuck it. Fuck them, fuck everything." He turned and drew a letter 'T' over everything, "Folks this fanfic is rated 'T'. He turned to face the class. I don't think this fanfic is acidic enough to fry the eyeballs out of their sockets. And if it does, that could only give Sougo something to laugh about."
"I like flamers, they're secret slaves of my personal army," replied the sandy-blonde youth.
"Now, lastly here's a letter from MemoriesOfTheRain:
Lmao!! It's Brilliant xD
And that's it. It's straight simple, to the point—delivering a swift euphoria of satisfaction for about two-point-three seconds. Thank you."
"Senseiii" called Kagura, "What's lamo?"
"Lacerating monkeys attacking obsessively."
"O-m-g," cried Yamasaki, "that's SO funny, l-o-l."
"W-t-f, you bastard!" Kagura cried towards Yamasaki.
"B-r-b, Sensei" called Shinpachi as he stood to go.
"F-y-b," said Sougo to Hijikita.
"What's that?"
"Fuck you bitch."
"That's it!!!"
"No, Toshi! Stop!" cried Kondo as Hijikita dove after Sougo.
"Well, that wraps up for today's segment, keep reading, and you—yes YOU. Stand out in the hallway please!"
Chapter 2 – What the Hell is Going on Here?!
"Huh? What? Why is everything black? No, not this again."
Gin-san…
"Eh?"
Ginnn…sann…
"Who's that? Quit with the mysterious womanly voice! Jeeze, maybe if I go to sleep it'll go away…"
Ginnn-saaa—Cheeseburgersss…
"Oiii! The hell with the cheeseburgers! Come to think of it, you insulted me before too! You think this is funny? Who are you? Narrator-san? Random? Are you Random? Randomness incarnate? A vengeful fast-food employee?! What? They fed you nothing but cheeseburgers all your life?! Answer me! Answer me, you bastard…"
You're sooo mean!!!!
The voice sounding like a whining little boy came from Gintoki himself.
(*)"Noooo!!! It can't be! Impossible! Impossible! The child within me is a transsexual that has an obsession with cheeseburgers it can't be…"
Actually… I'm asexual.
"Whaaaa? So I'm not male, female—I'm not anything, not even an it! I'm just some 'thing'? That's ridiculous, basically what's swinging down between my legs is—
I'm not you—I'm in your kimono, in your kimono…
Gintoki reached in his hand and pulled out his Jump comic.
Ahhh… that's much better…
Silence. The silver perm slowly collected his thoughts as the 'reality' began to sink in.
"Oiiiiii!"
The book fell released from his hands to the floor landing with a flat, plop!
"T-th-this can't be happening. N-n-no. Calm down, you're NOT talking to your Jump. This is just a figment of your imagination…
The book floated upwards and remained suspended in mid-air.
"This bad. Real bad, really bad. Now it's floating and all glowy with sparkly sprinkles."
Gin-san—or rather—Sakata Gintoki. I am the Spirit of Jump. The almighty deity that fuels all manga-ka that have been serialized in this book for over 40 years! As the book spoke the light surrounding it vibrated to the rise and fall of its voice.
"Why are you sounding all high and mighty? Maybe this is a dream after all. Yes, a dream. I'm going to sleep…
THIS IS NOT A DREAM, SAKATA GINTOKI. OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE TRUTH!
"Sorry, but there is a limit to how wide my eyes can open. And what truth can there be if there's nothing but a black background and a floating asexual book!
Hey, be glad I'm asexual, how would you feel if I was male resting inside your clothes sitting on your lap and your fingers turning my pages? Your hands grabbing on my long hard thick binding, eh?
Gintoki's face wrinkled up in disgust, "Shut up will you? Why are you making some as ordinary as a book sound so perverted? You're the Spirit of Jump right, as in 'Shounen Jump? Shounen? As in boy? So you really are a boy, right?"
Stop it! You're so annoying! The book whined again nearly squeaking.
"I will right after you put me back where I belong—oh and while you're at it, give me a really cool bankai."
I can't. Something has gone terribly wrong…
Gintoki picked at his nose with indifference.
(!)Your world as well as the worlds shared within the covers of this book has been meshed together. As we speak, Yugi Moto and Seto Kabia are dueling epically on Monkey D. Luffy's ship, the Thousand Sunny. Yusuke Urameshi has been absorbed by Majin buu with Vegeta and Hiei gallantly fighting against him… and the shaman Yoh Asukura has Kenshin Himura as his guardian ghost instead of Amidamaru—goodness knows where he could be… I have to find them all and put them in their places…
Gintoki yawned and stretched, "What do you want me to do about it?"
You must say alive, live, no matter what. Your world is falling into the Bleach universe; you need to survive until I could set everything straight.
"Or else?"
Or else, it stays this way FOREVER….Forever…forever…forever… and ever, ever, and ever, ever, ever, ev—
"Oh-kay! I get it, I get it. Jeeze, so annoy… So basically it's your fault and I have to put up with it?"
You must keep everyone from your world alive as well…
(this thing just ignored me…) That's impossible, do you know how many Gintama characters are there?! It's bad enough Narrator-san has to google every time just to double check name spellings and such—but to keep everyone alive? I'm not God.
No, (technically I am but—)
"I heard that! Can't believe I'm talking to an asexual book with a god-complex." He scoffed in disbelief.
How can you treat me this way?! After I supply you with weekly updates, be glad you live in Japan! Americans have to wait monthly for their updates!
"Not my problem. They can go online and read the manga there…"
I hate the internet! I hate it! I have funfacts gosh-dammit! Ahem, getting back… You must keep everyone including yourself, alive. Remember you
You…
You are the one with the Silver Soul!
"I can barely keep up with Shinpachi and Kagura damnit, bastard are you listening! Don't fade away asshole!"
You're a leading character…
"Oi, Jump! Jump-san! Don't leave me like this!"
I know you can do it. Even as we speak, you two companions are in danger for yooooour sake…
Gintoki's eyes shot open.
What? Shinpachi? Kagura!?
"Oi, you stupid book! Don't screw with me! Oi, oi!
His eyes were suddenly blinded by a bright white light…
END CHAPTER
"Sensei! Sensei!"
The school bell rang throughout the school as the students rushed out of the building with such dire need, others would think it was set to explode. Shinpachi rushed in the opposite direction, towards the teacher's lounge where Ginpachi sat lazily at his desk.
"Eh? Shinpachi, shouldn't you roam free with the buffalos? Sometimes I wonder if you're a masochist for school work."
(I'm a masochist for you, my love…)
"As if, look!" Shinpachi placed two postcards on the silver perm's desk. He took it into his hands and quickly read over them, "The mail man forgot to leave these in your mailbox and he returned to deliver it at the last minute."
"… Thanks Shinpachi, run along with the antelopes then." He casually replied with a wave of his hand.
"Buffalos? Antelopes? That doesn't make any sense."
"It's a joke Shinpachi a joke, 'ha-ha' don't you get it?"
"I do, but for some reason, I'm always compelled to argue against it…."
"I don't blame you, it's in your nature, you're the straight man, I'm the funny man"
(What would that make me? The woman in between? )
The student turned and walked out. Just outside the door anxiously peeking inside, was a female student with red framed glasses. Shinpachi stepping out spotted her and just sighed… and continued to walk away.
"Reason why this update was delayed for a few more days was to include this unexpected segment and have me sitting here giving credit to these additional two letters I received" he said this as he raised the postcards into view.
(Oh, he's so sexy! Oh Sensei, my forbidden love…)
"Arrancar-Baka, Narrator-san will keep writing, she has the intention to finish this story and don't worry, phxjoker88, Hitsugaya's alright… you'll see more of him as well as the other characters in the next chap—Oi! I know you're standing there, Stalker!"
"Ohh, Sensei those cold selfish words!" Sa-chan came out of her hiding place her cheeks scarlet her eyes sparkling, "But why do get some much pleasure just from hearing them?!"
"Well that's about it for chapter two, say tuned!"
"Sensei, sensei—hurt me more. More!"
END