CHAPTER 7: A PRAISE CHORUS

Things are never going to be the way you want.

Where's it gonna get you acting serious?

Things are never going to be quite what you want,

Even at 25, you've got to start sometime.

I'm on my feet I'm on the floor I'm good to go.

Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.

I want to always feel like part of this was mine.

I want to fall in love tonight.

A Praise Chorus – Jimmy Eat World

I increased the speed and incline of the treadmill and could feel my breaths becoming shallower. I needed to just run this day away. After Tanya and Irina left to talk to Papa Denali, Angela had come into the locker room to find out what was going on. Though she was my mother's age, Angela was a cool lady, so I told her the truth. She knew Edward from the summers he had spent working at South Pines before his big break. The camp even used an old picture of the two of us on the website to promote it's ties to the famous model. She was sympathetic, but explained that Mr. Denali expected his daughters to work here this summer, and there was nothing she could do about it. Tanya refused to work with the younger children, and the teens went on too many trips and she didn't like coach buses, so she was stuck in our division. Apparently Mr. Denali told Tanya he wouldn't move me, either. Angela confessed that she got the impression that Mr. Denali wasn't thrilled with Tanya and Edward's relationship. It was sickening that hearing that made me slightly giddy. Grimacing, I ran faster.

"What are you running from?" a silky voice murmured from beside me. I stumbled and smacked the emergency brake button and my treadmill immediately halted. Still breathing heavily, I spun to face Edward, leaning cockily against the Stairmaster.

"Christ, get a fucking bell, Edward!" He was wearing a black T-shirt that said TRAIN. Only the personal trainers here wore those… "You're working here?" I asked gesturing to his shirt. He looked down at his shirt, as if he had forgotten he was wearing it, and then looked back up at me with a bashful smile.

"Looks like it." Oh good, we're sticking with Cryptic Asshole Edward, my favorite. I hopped off the treadmill and headed to grab a paper towel to wipe down my machine. Edward followed behind me. "I'm surprised you're running with your arm all messed up. The impact can't be good for it."

"As long as people don't sneak up on me and make me fall, I'm sure I'll be fine," I said, giving him a pointed look. He shrugged, as if to say I wasn't supposed to hold him accountable for his actions. Rolling my eyes, I walked to the coat rack and grabbed my sweatshirt.

"You didn't answer my question," he called from behind me.

"And you've practically never answered one of mine, Edward. What are you even doing here? Why are you home, working at the gym again? What the hell is going on?" I yanked my sweatshirt over my head, messing up my ponytail in the process. I pulled the elastic from my hair while I waited for Edward to give me even just one word to try to make sense of everything. He just stared at me. I glanced over his shoulder at the mirror. One day in the sun and I was already getting a tan. My cheeks were flushed from my run, and my hair was shiny and cascading around my shoulders. My old faded sweatshirt had been cut low and you could see my heaving chest. Typical. I snapped my fingers in front of his face. "Focus!"

"Sorry," he said in a totally unapologetic voice. He steered his eyes back to my face. When our eyes met, he stopped. Then he sighed. "I needed a change of scenery. To get back to my roots, remember who I am and what I want."

"Well, that sounds awesome, and very vague. Good luck with that." I turned and walked out of the air-conditioned gym and into the imposing heat of the parking lot.

"Bella, wait!" I heard his sneakers slapping the blacktop as he ran over to me. I paused with my hand on my door handle, my back to him. "Turn around, please. Just look at me for one second."

I turned. His bruises looked even worse in the sunlight. I could see the edges, where the purple turned to green and then a sickly yellow. I couldn't believe that I had done that. Pride and guilt simultaneously washed over me in a wave. I raised one eyebrow at him, expectantly.

"Phil's gotten pretty scary over the years, huh?" he finally said.

"You want to talk about my brother?" I asked incredulously.

"No. I just… I heard what he said last night, Bella. I get it. That's what I would have told him to say if someone was hassling you. I just… missed you."

"I'm sorry you missed me, Edward, but you never had to." Harsh, but it had to be said. He looked nauseous.

"I know that," he said softly. Something fluttered deep in my gut.

"I've got to get home. It's our first trip tomorrow, and someone is already gunning for counselor of the century, so I have to make sure I'm on top of my game." Now I was just being obnoxious for the fun of it. Edward cocked his head to one side in confusion. "You know, your girlfriend – looks like an extra from "Mean Girls", calls people 'fugly' in parking lots. "

"What about her?" he asked suspiciously. I laughed. I'd assumed he knew already, since Tanya was enjoying running her mouth so much.

"What about her, indeed. Tanya, who's last name I didn't realize was Denali, by the way. She's one of my junior counselors this year." Thanks for the heads up, I added silently. "I thought you knew."

"Christ, no. She's never worked there before. I guess that's what she meant about working for her dad. I thought she would have been in the office, otherwise I would have told you."

"Well, she's rocking the Radcliff this summer, and apparently loving it," I said, making a face. Edward chuckled, shaking his head.

"I don't know what she's thinking. She's going to hate camp. The second a kid splashes her or she sits on some melted ice cream, she's going to lose it."

"She already has." I muttered. Edward sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Yeah, good luck with that, too." An awkward silence crept up on us. I shuffled my feet.

"So, can I ask you a question?" he finally said. I shrugged. He went on. "Why don't you feel the need to maim me today?"

"I guess I got it out of my system last night. It was that satisfying of a punch." He smirked and looked like he wanted to say something. I waited. Finally, after tugging on his T-shirt for a while, he spoke up, staring at the floor.

"I'm sorry she got in your face last night. I wasn't going to say anything. I deserve way worse than I got." I stared at him, astonished. I was under the impression that he hated me and didn't regret anything about how our relationship went down.

"Wait a second," I finally said. "I thought you hated me. So how do you deserve worse than me breaking your nose?"

Edward's head snapped up, his green eyes blazing. "How could I hate you, Bella? You didn't do anything! I'm the one…" he trailed off, his thoughts seeming to catch up to his mouth, and he looked embarrassed.

"You're the one, what?" I asked. He kicked a pebble instead of answering me. "The one, what, Edward? Come on, stop talking in Mad Libs, I don't get it."

"I'm the one who fucked everything up, okay?" he snapped. I was taken aback by his harsh tone. "I know what we had, Bella. I know how perfect we were together, and I know that no one else gets me like you do. I know I gave up your family and our family and our future and I hate myself for it every day. You're the best friend I've ever had, Bells. Ever. It kills me that I don't get to be a part of your life anymore, that I don't know what you're doing, that I can't make you laugh. It kills me that every song I hear reminds me of you, that every movie I see would be better if you were sitting next to me." He paused and looked at me. I knew my brown eyes were swimming with tears and simultaneously bugging out of my skull. Words were swirling in my brain, but not making any coherent sentences. A small smile danced across his lips. "Bella, do you know that no one has made a literary reference to me in five years? Not even a Mad Libs reference. I miss books. I miss discussions. I miss sitting in front of your open refrigerator and trying every cheese your parents had. I miss you, Bella." He finally stopped, and took a tentative step towards me, palms up in surrender. I couldn't breathe.

"Are you done?" I asked. He nodded, looking hopeful. I took a shaky breath and stepped backwards. "I've got to go." I turned and quickly jumped into my truck, speeding away. I could see him in my rearview mirror, still standing in the parking lot, watching my taillights. My cell phone started ringing – Jasper. I hit ignore. I couldn't deal with him, or Alice's premonitions right now. I just wanted to go home, and curl up with Jake.

The next day at camp was our first trip. South Pines liked to have a surprise party early in the summer so the campers could all bond and get to know each other better. They called it Mystery Bash. It was like a mini prom – we all got dressed up, drank Shirley Temples, and did the Electric Slide. The sixth grade boys would nervously ask girls to dance, and said girls' friends would watch, giggling helplessly. There was a hula-hoop contest that Rosalie won every year – no one could compete with those hips. Mystery Bash was the perfect way to distract myself from Edward's outburst last night.

I volunteered to be the mummy in the mummy wrap contest. Paul was the mummy for the boys. We stood perfectly still, laughing, while the kids took turns wrapping us in toilet paper. The screams and laughter from my girls was the exact reason why I kept coming back to this job. God, I love camp, I thought as a piece of toilet paper was shoved in my mouth. Before my girls wrapped my eyes, I could see Tanya standing in the back of the room with Jared. She was staring right at me, pointing and laughing. I felt myself getting red, but not with embarrassment. I was angry. She was not ruining this day for these kids. If you can't make a fool of yourself in front of a bunch of kids, you shouldn't be working with them, bottom line. I didn't want one of the girls to see Tanya laughing at me and think she was laughing at them. I proceeded to make silly faces at the kids and make them all laugh by cracking jokes about having to take a tinkle. Leah and Emily were dancing with some girls by the DJ booth, Rose was taking pictures, and even Irina was returning from the bathroom with a group of kids. Everyone was working and everyone was happy, except for Tanya. Le sigh.

The party came to a close, and the kids filed outside with all their party favors – candy, hats, sunglasses, and noisemakers – and created the biggest cacophony I'd ever been privy to. Rose and I were doubled over laughing and attempted to conduct them like a symphony, which clearly didn't work. We piled on the buses, still laughing and singing. I reached into my backpack, which I had left on the bus. I had ten missed calls from Emmett and Jasper, and seven texts from each of them. They just kept telling me to call them as soon as I could. I felt my stomach clench up. Something was wrong.

It was against camp policy to use cell phones while we were working, but I leaned against the wall of the bus and called Emmett. No answer. I dialed Jasper. It rang once and he picked up right away.

"Bella?"

"Jasper, what's going on?"

"Did you talk to Emmett?" Jasper asked, ignoring my question.

"Not yet, he didn't answer. I had a million missed calls from you guys, what's going on?"

"It's nothing to worry about," he said vaguely. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Jasper, please, I'm freaking out," I begged.

"There's no reason to freak out. Where are you?"

"I'm on the bus coming back from the Mystery Bash," I heard his sharp intake of breath. My call waiting beeped, alerting me that Emmett was calling me back. "Oh, Emmett is calling me back."

Jasper paused. "Okay… Maybe you should just talk to him when you get home."

"Hang on," I said, disregarding his comment. I clicked over. "Emmett?"

"Bella?" Emmett said. I could hear that his voice was thick with tears. I sat up straighter and clapped a hand over my other ear to hear him better.

"Emmett, what happened?"

"Bella, it's James."

"What about James? Is he home?" I was going to kill them if they were messing with me.

"No, Bella. There was an accident when he was driving home last night."

"What?" I couldn't say anything else. Tears were stinging my eyes. "Is he okay?" I heard Emmett begin to sob. Nothing has ever scared me like hearing this mammoth, happy-go-lucky man cry so helplessly.

"He didn't make it," he choked out.

"No," I wailed. I was vaguely aware that my campers were gaping at me. Emily had come and sat next to me and was stroking my hair. Rose was sitting in the seat across me, staring at me in horror. She knew I was talking to Emmett, but didn't know what was going on. I was shaking with tears. I sniffed and attempted to calm down. "Em, as soon as I get out of camp, I'm coming over."

"Okay."

"I love you, Emmett," I said, slightly strangled. He hiccupped.

"Love you, Bells. See you soon." I snapped my phone shut and proceeded to cry hysterically. My tears were gushing down my face faster and hotter than I'd ever experienced.

"Bella, what?" Rose demanded, grabbing my hands.

"James is gone," I moaned. Her eyes widened. She didn't know him that well, but she knew how close we all were growing up. "He got in an accident on his way home. I don't know the details." I looked up at her. "Will you take me to Emmett's when we get back?"

"Of course," she said, hugging me. I continued to cry, oblivious to my campers whispering and Tanya glaring. I sunk into Rosalie's lap and allowed her, Emily and Leah comfort me. I'd never known a pain like this. I felt hollow. I just kept saying his name over and over in my head, James James James, refusing to believe that my friend could be gone.