Authors Note: This chapter was insanely difficult for me to write. I'd also like to dedicate it to my RL James, RIP 1984-2007.

For an actual author's note – Alice isn't supposed to seem distant in this. She did go to HS with Bella, Emmett, Jasper and James, but she was more of Bella's friend than the boys', so she's not as close with James as the rest of them are.

CHAPTER 8: VIEW FROM HEAVEN

Late night drives, all alone in my car

I can't help but start

Singing lines from all our favorite songs

And melodies in the air

Singin' life just ain't fair

Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone

And I'm sure the view from heaven

Beats the hell out of mine here

View From Heaven – Yellowcard

I stood in my closet, staring blankly at my clothes. What the hell did someone wear to a funeral in the middle of a heat wave? I had literally nothing that would work. Not to mention my bright white cast would be a lone bright spot in the sea of black. Sighing, I pulled a short-sleeved black sweater dress off of a hanger. I was having a hard time making myself look presentable when I felt like my insides had all but been ripped out.

It had been two days since I found out that James had died. The first night, Rosalie took me to Emmett's house. Jasper was already sitting in his room with him. I walked in, and Emmett took one look at me, and launched himself into my arms. We stood awkwardly, squeezing, sobbing and shaking in the middle of his room. Jasper looked vacant. I knew he wasn't huge on emotion, or major displays of them, so I had expected this reaction. The three of us spent the night calling every single person we graduated with; informing them of James' passing and letting them know about the funeral arrangements. It was exhausting, but bizarrely comforting. The strangest people were the most empathetic. Emmett wound up on the phone with one boy who'd been in James' class since kindergarten for about twenty minutes. Rosalie stayed helpful by force-feeding us meatball subs and Italian ices. Alice called every hour from the city to check up on us since she couldn't leave work until the funeral. The next morning, I woke up and bouncily got ready for camp. It wasn't until I was pulling my camp shirt out from the drawer that it hit me. I'd collapsed on my bedroom floor, unable to breathe until my mother came in and found me. I was a zombie at work, keeping my sunglasses on at all times. Poor Leah was picking up all the slack between Tanya and myself. Angela was with our group more than usual, trying to help out. At lunch, one of my more mature campers gave me a hug and told me she was sorry about my friend. I stared at her for a moment, then hugged her back and smiled for the first time that day.

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts. I'd been standing at my mirror, staring but not seeing my reflection. Rosalie walked into my room, and peeked her head into my closet.

"Almost ready, Bella?" she asked quietly. I'd never seen Rose as reserved as she'd been the past few days. I nodded once and walked towards her. She gently brushed some hair back from my face. I wondered when the last time I'd showered was? I didn't even remember. I shrugged helplessly at her. She calmly found my brush and pulled my hair into a ponytail for me. It was nice to be touched, so I sat still while she worked. She handed me a pair of black flats and a black sweater. I slid my feet most of the way in and half-shuffled, half-walked down the hallway. Rose followed, turning off the light behind us. I clomped down the stairs and walked through the kitchen. Phil was making himself a bowl of cereal, and looked up as we approached.

"Hey," he said, simply. I moved my mouth in a smile/grimace combo. "I couldn't get off work this morning, so I'm going to meet you at the church later, okay?" My heart thumped against my chest and I could feel the tears brimming. I threw myself into my baby brother's startled arms and squeezed him as hard as I could. He squeezed me back, whispering, "You're going to be okay, Bellarina. You're going to make it." I bit my lip, unable to make a sound. Rose took my hand and led me outside to her car. She started the engine, and the radio came to life. I stared at it, unsure if I detested or appreciated the background noise. Rose drove us to a bagel shop and left me in the car while she bought food.

"Light with skim and a splash of half and half and six sugars," she said, holding my iced coffee out to me as she got back in the car. I took it gratefully. Then she held a bagel out at me. "Eat. Or I'm taking the coffee back." Reluctantly, I nibbled on the everything bagel with cream cheese. It tasted like cardboard to me. I ate half while Rose ate her bagel, and broke the other half into pieces as she pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the funeral home. As we approached, I saw tons of cars lining the street. She pulled into a parking spot as close as she could find. I left my dissected bagel on the side of the road for some birds, and followed her. The temperature outside of the air-conditioned car was sweltering and I could feel my dress sticking to me. I spotted Alice, Emmett and Jasper standing in the middle of a huge line of people waiting to go into the home. We walked up to them.

"What's going on?" Rose asked as she wrapped an arm around Emmett. He hugged her back, but released her quickly. I watched as he fidgeted in his clothes and realized he was wearing a tweed jacket. He must be overheating like mad.

"There are so many people here, they won't let us stay inside. You just walk through the room and pay your respects and have to keep walking," Alice explained. Stunned, I looked around at the growing crowd. "We can obviously stay inside, but we decided to let James' family have some space with everyone right now." The five of us stood awkwardly, occasionally shuffling forward as the line moved. I watched as people exited the building, often crying. I saw a group of former classmates and raised my hand tentatively in greeting. They responded similarly. An old neighbor of mine approached me and hugged me fiercely, tears streaming down her face. I didn't realize she knew James' family, but I hugged her back anyway.

Finally, we got to the door of the funeral home. I could feel breezes of air conditioning blowing towards us. I was trying to wrap my brain around what was about to happen when it was our turn and I walked into the room. I was on autopilot. I went right to the coffin and stared. James lay still, looking perfectly healthy. I kept waiting for him to get up, laughing and telling us it was all a joke. He was wearing his infamous red blazer, the one he wore to every formal event, and I could practically see him walking into my house last News Years Eve, shaking snow out of his hair, bending over to scratch Jake's belly and smiling up at me. I felt dizzy and my cheeks felt hot, and I knew I was crying, and I was about to completely lose it, when I heard a noise behind me.

I turned, and through my tear-blurred vision, I saw Emmett kneeling on the floor, clawing at his tie and making an awful keening noise. Rose was standing beside him, frozen and stunned. Jasper was reaching down to him and I could see the tendons in his jaw flexing. I flew to him, and Jasper and I lifted him up as best we could. Alice pulled the imposing tweed jacket off of him and I could feel the heat emanating from his body. Emmett relaxed for a moment, then saw the coffin again and slumped against me. I could barely hold him up, but I clung to him, and reached an arm out to Rose. I bit back my own tears and focused on keeping Emmett upright as we navigated him to some chairs. We sat him down, and Rose sat next to him. He clutched at her hands. Jasper stood in front of them, breathing heavily, and then stalked off. Alice blinked at me, still holding Emmett's jacket. I squeezed her shoulder and followed Jasper into the hallway.

He was pacing back and forth, and then I saw him kick a chair leg. I reached out to him, but before I could get there, he was punching the wall, over and over and over. I ran to him, and wrapped my arms around him, trying to soothe him. He stayed stiff in my arms for a moment, and then seemed to just melt into me. I stroked his back while we stood together. He didn't hold me back, just leaned against me. I felt better doing this, taking care of my friends. It made more sense than anything else I'd been doing lately. Over Jasper's shoulder, I saw Alice and Rose flanking Emmett and walking him into the hallway. Wordlessly, they joined us in the least cheesy and most necessary group hug in the history of hugs. It was so important to be held, especially by other people who understood what we were going through. As the hug ended, my friends held their respective others' hands, and I followed them out of the funeral home and back into the heat and blinding sunlight.

We arrived at the church after a quiet drive with me sitting in the backseat, sandwiched between Emmett and Jasper, clutching each other's hands for dear life. Once we got to the church, Phil joined us, and Em and Jasper broke off to go wherever the pallbearers had to go. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a distinct color that made me stop. I turned and saw Edward standing awkwardly alone a couple of feet away, tugging at his tie. His hair was shining in the bright summer sunlight. He raised a hand in greeting, and I did the same. Phil slid an arm around my shoulders and led me into the church. We sat a few rows behind James' family and I watched as the church began to fill up. Tons of people from our town were there, and then a large group of the most downtrodden looking boys I'd ever seen came in. I nudged Alice and nodded to them.

"James' fraternity brothers from school," she whispered. My eyes widened. They'd had to make the same drive that James was making when he died to get here for this. The whole situation broke my heart even more. They must have really loved him. I felt the tears welling in my eyes again, and swiped at them. Why would this happen to such an amazing person? I felt like I was doing nothing with my life, while James had so much going for him. It didn't make any sense.

I was jarred from my thoughts by loud organ music. I turned to the door of the church, and watched my friends carry our lost friend's body. I felt a wave of despair wash over me, and heard Rose's breath hitch in her throat. I looked at her while she looked at Emmett, who seemed like a broken shell of his former jovial, exuberant self. Alice had a similar look on her face. The look of someone who had to watch someone they love in pain, and couldn't do anything to fix it. I swallowed hard, and wrapped my arms around my girls while they cried watching the men they loved perform this sacred right. Phil rubbed our backs and hugged us, almost comically unsure of what to do with himself.

The service went by in a blur. Phil hugged me and had to go back to work, leaving us to wait for Emmett and Jasper before heading to the cemetery. This whole day was beginning to exhaust me. I walked into the courtyard next to the church to sit down and get some shade. The sunlight beating on my black-clad body certainly wasn't giving me any more energy. I sighed and sunk onto the cool marble bench and closed my eyes. I felt a gentle breeze waft across my face and opened them again. Edward was standing in front of me, fanning me. I just stared at him.

"You looked hot," he said, simply. I kept staring. He seemed to realize his double entendre. "I mean, not hot hot. Not that you don't look beautiful. I just don't think people tend to look hot in funeral clothes. I meant you looked warm." I rubbed my face in response. He took that as an invitation to sit down. "Are you okay?"

I thought about snorting and being sarcastic. "I'm fine," I said instead. My voice was surprisingly hoarse for this hour in the day. That's when I realized that this was the first time I'd spoken.

"You are not," he replied.

"I mean, obviously not, but I'm as fine as I can be given the circumstances."

"No, you're not even that," he countered.

"Can you stop telling me how I feel?" I snapped.

"Sure – when you start."

I jumped to my feet, angrily. "You want to know how I feel?" I snapped, pointing at him. "I can't describe what it's like to have to pick Emmett up off the floor while he's falling to pieces. Or stop Jasper from punching a wall. Or to watch them carry your other friend's body down the aisle of a church, while their girlfriends lose it. My insides hurt. I never knew something like this existed." I trailed off, and sat back down, tears threatening to run down my face. "Em and Jasper are just total messes. I'm trying to be strong for them."

Edward turned and looked me right in the eye, taking my good hand in both of his. "Bella, while you're busy being strong for everyone else, who's being strong for you?" As soon as the question left his mouth, I felt my lip start to quiver and my tears finally spilled over. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me while I cried. I cried for my friends, I cried for anyone who even knew James, I cried for Edward, I cried for James, and finally I cried for me.