Sorry for the delay, I was on vacation for two weeks (okay, I'm not that sorry) and RL came back with a vengeance (oh, camp).

Thanks for dealing through my angstyness. Come check out the thread Sunfeathers was nice enough to make for the story over at Twilighted! www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=4257

I own nothing Twilight, musical or any names of Italian Ice chains or music festivals.

I do own a million tacky souvenirs from Hawaii, five staff shirts, and a great tan.

CHAPTER NINE – THE ROCK SHOW

Hanging out behind the club, on the weekend.

Acting stupid, getting drunk with my best friends.

I couldn't wait for the summer and the Warped Tour.

I remember it's the first time that I saw her- there.

Because I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

Blink 182 – The Rock Show

Two weeks after James' funeral, I was heading into the gym. I'd had zero energy following that exhausting day, and was barely eating. Today, my body was beginning to feel like my own again, instead of being taken over by anguish, so I was taking advantage of it. It helped that the boys were on the same page as I was about dealing with James' passing. I didn't want his name to become a taboo, so we talked about him as we thought of him, which was pretty frequently right now.

As I approached the doors of the gym, Edward intercepted me. We'd called an unspoken truce since the funeral, but I still raised my eyebrows at him. He raised a brown paper bag in response and grasped my newly un-casted wrist and led me to a table on the patio. I peeked into the bag and looked back at him with a gasp.

"Is it…?"

"Come on, you don't think I've forgotten the Bella Swan Coping Menu, do you? Alcohol for forgetting, ice cream for numbing and burritos for rebuilding," he listed, counting off on his fingers. I grinned, completely surprised, and started unwrapping my burrito.

"I hope you remembered that I hate tomatoes," I joked as I took a huge bite. Edward stared at me with a panicked expression. I squeaked in terror and spit my bite out, retching. My fear of tomatoes was totally unreasonable, but they leave a slimy, seedy trail on everything they touch, like a slug, and I am physically incapable of ingesting one without crying. Before I could react further, I realized he was laughing. I finally looked at the burrito – and by looked, I mean inspected – and saw it was exactly how I liked it, right down to the corn salsa I loved. I couldn't believe he remembered something as specific as how I like my burritos. "Very funny," I said, when I was confidant there wasn't the hint of a tomato anywhere on my food. "You're not going to make me eat alone, are you?"

"Please, who do you think you're dealing with here?" he answered, placing another bag on the table and pulling his foil wrapped burrito out. We ate together in comfort, occasionally chatting.

When I finished, I leaned back and groaned. "You know, you're a pretty shitty personal trainer. I'm going to have to talk to your boss about you force-feeding me refried beans and cheese. There's no way I can work out now, I'd puke all over the treadmill."

"Well, that is one method of calorie burning. Anyway, I'm mostly just here so they can say Edward Cullen will be here. Membership has gone way up, apparently," he remarked, feigning nonchalance. I could see that after all this time; he was still giddy that people knew his name. That was better than him becoming jaded, at least.

"I hope they mentioned your modesty in the press release," I commented, tearing a napkin into tiny pieces. He rolled his eyes at me. I felt the first awkward silence of our meal begin to settle upon us, and realized that his success was a sensitive subject for us. My phone beeped, alerting me to a text message from Alice.

We're at your house w/ Ralph's –a

"Sorry, Alice and crew are at my house with ices, I should go," I said, standing and starting to clear off the table. "Thanks so much for the burrito, really."

"No problem," Edward answered. He clapped his hand on my shoulder and opened his mouth to say something else as I yelped in pain, and jumped back. Edward looked at me in confusion. "Did I just Hulk out or something? I barely touched you."

"You wish you Hulked out. You just want an excuse to wear purple pants and not get teased," I said as I pulled my sweatshirt off to reveal my bare shoulder. "New ink." I turned and showed Edward the cluster of stars on my shoulder with James' initials in them and the song lyrics that reminded me of him. Emmett and Jasper and I went together and all got James-inspired tattoos. Emmett got a banner being held by swallows on his back, and Jasper got a quote from a book that he and James both loved on his forearm.

I became extremely aware of Edward touching my bare skin as he traced the outline of the stars. I suddenly felt tingly and lightheaded, like a strong breeze could knock me down. The feeling was so strong and unfamiliar; I knew I was breaking out in goose bumps. God, how cliché was I? I stepped away and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry, I'm cold," I said simply, pulling my sweatshirt back over my head.

"Only you would be cold on a 75 degree night standing on blacktop," Edward said, but I barely heard him because he was looking at me so hard. The lightheadedness continued, so I pulled my keys out and stepped towards the truck.

"See you… later," I said, about to say tomorrow, but catching myself before I made official plans with him. Seeing each other around town is one thing, but making set-in-stones plans with Edwards is a no-no. I was proud of myself for having boundaries, and stood a little straighter as I turned and headed to my truck, waving.

When I arrived at my house, two cars were parked in front. I heard laughter coming from the yard, so I just went around back and saw my parents, brother and four best friends sitting around the table on the patio, laughing, sharing beers and Italian ices. The umbrella was lit by a mixture of small white lights and gaudy, star shaped Fourth of July lights that I put up last year. It was actually a perfect representation of my family – a solid mixture of classy and over-the-top that somehow worked. I paused near the gate entranced and watched for a moment. I felt a twinge in my chest when I remembered that James should be here, and he never would be again. For the first time since he died, another voice rang out in my head. It wasn't the somber, depressing, dirge of a voice like usual, reminding me of everyone's pain. It was lighter. It sounded like James when he tried to sweet talk me into giving him my seat on the couch next to the air conditioner last summer during a sweltering movie night. This voice showed me what I still had in front of me – all these amazing people, new exciting experiences, my whole damn life – and I couldn't let a second of it go by without embracing it. I was brought out of my mini epiphany by the jangling of Jake's collar as he ran up to me, snorting and jumping to be pet. The whole table yelled greetings as I fully entered my backyard. Alice pulled a white container out of a bag while Phil popped the top off a beer for me. I sat down and accepted their offerings, lifting the lid off the ice container. I looked at Alice curiously.

"I got you Milky Way, duh." I grinned, digging into my delicious ice.

"What did you get?" I asked through a mouthful, my spoon raised to attack. She laughed and pushed her ice towards me.

"Oh, Bells, before I forget, it looks like you got some concert tickets in the mail today," Renee piped up as Alice stole her ice back.

"Yes!" Emmett and Jasper cheered, excited.

"What concert?" Phil asked, about to get annoyed that I didn't invite him.

"The Warped Tour, it's on Saturday. Don't even say anything, I told you last year I wouldn't take you again, after you knocked over the row of Port-A-Potties and then got kicked out for underage drinking." Everyone looked expectantly at Phil to share the story, which he did without hesitation. The evening was spent with good food, great laughs and even better friends. Things were getting better.

The week went by in a blur. Life was returning to normal. My kids at camp had fallen into a nice routine. My group was made up of 25 kids, so it got chaotic. I had them count off when arriving and before leaving every activity so we didn't lose anyone. They wouldn't sit still long enough for me to count them if all of their lives depended on it, so the count off was better. Tanya was perpetually confused when the kids would start counting, seemingly out of nowhere. Confused was a better state for her than vindictive, which was how she spent the first few weeks. Apparently, my grief didn't mesh well with her work plan of doing literally nothing.

Finally, it was Saturday. I woke up early, plaited my hair into two braids, and pulled on a pair of jeans, my dirtiest Chucks, and a wife beater I didn't really care about. I made sure to grab a bandana and lather sunscreen all over my face and arms. No jewelry, no make-up, nothing you actually liked – that was the wardrobe code for the Warped Tour. Warped was held in a bare field, so all the people running around and moshing kicked up a ton of dust, hence the need for the bandana. I heard a horn outside and grabbed my ratty messenger bag – to hold all the free shit they give out, and T-shirts - while running for the door. Emmett and Jasper were idling in front of my door, music blasting, honking the horn continuously. I grinned, turned my face up to the sky, allowing the sun to warm me, silently appreciating the day, then ran across the lawn and jumped in the car.

"Breakfast?" Jasper asked, turning around, holding a bag out to me.

I rolled my eyes. "Is that a serious question?" I took the bag and opened it, smiling happily. Sausage, egg, cheese and hash browns on a roll, with a vanilla iced coffee. Emmett cranked the music again, and we drove on. While I ate, I pondered what it meant when people knew your food preferences. Did it mean that I was too predictable? Or did it mean that certain people paid attention enough to the details because they loved you? If that was the case, what did it mean that Edward knew mine? I quickly averted my thoughts from that certain road, and between bites, sang along with the radio.

Soon enough, we pulled into the crowded parking lot, and I started to bounce up and down in my seat.

"Maybe we shouldn't have gotten her the large coffee," Emmett stage whispered to Jasper.

Jasper looked at me and pointed in my face. "Hey. You. Don't relax at all, we're about to fuck some shit up." Emmett laughed and I whooped, leaping out of the car. We raced to the gates, already hearing the thumping music from some of the earlier bands. Once inside, we made our way to the huge inflatable sign that held the day's lineup. I pulled the cap off of my trusty Sharpie with my teeth and proceeded to scribble bands, stage names and times on my left arm. Emmett and Jasper threw in bands they wanted to see as well. Satisfied with our schedule, we realized that we had an hour before the first band we wanted to see went on. The three of us wandered the merch tents, grabbing tons of free crap and stuffing them into my bag. I went crazy buying band t-shirts, since it was what most of my wardrobe was made of anyway. Jasper reminded me of the time, and we got to the stage just as the band was starting. Emmett plowed his way through the crowd, Jasper and I following. We arrived in the middle just as the mosh pit opened. I grinned widely, and tightened the strap on my bag. I saw Emmett's eyes widen for a second, and Jasper held his hand up, telling him to let me go. As the song picked up, I jumped and spun and danced and kicked, loving every second of it. Nothing makes you feel more a part of music than to be able to just let go of your body and just become the music. At a concert, in a pit, that's where I really feel like I'm me, one hundred percent. As I rocked out, I crashed into someone, a typical occurrence. I tried to spin off whoever it was, back into the crowd, but they'd grabbed onto my shoulders. I opened my eyes and found myself staring into sparkling green ones.

"Edward?" I yelled over the music, totally confused.

"Hey, Bella," he yelled back, seeming far less thrown by this than I was.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Getting back to my roots, remember?" he replied, grinning widely. I was so shocked to see him, I'd stopped paying attention to my surroundings and got body slammed from the left, straight into the ground. I hit the packed dirt with a thud and groaned as some fellow concertgoers promptly helped me up and I brushed myself off. I looked around and saw Edward yelling at and pushing a huge Mohawked guy who looked seriously apologetic. I knew it was an accident, and so did Edward. It's not like we'd never gone to concerts together, he knew I wasn't a dainty priss who needed to stand behind her boyfriend in case someone sweaty touched her. I groaned again, and launched myself through the pit and jumped between Edward and Mohawk.

"I'm so sorry, dude, it's all good," I said to Mohawk, smiling. Then I turned on Edward and my stare hardened. "Are you fucking serious right now?"

"Bella, he hit you like a goddamn linebacker! He's at least five times your size." Edward stubbornly pointed out. I crooked my finger at him to follow me, and began to maneuver through to the back of the crowd so I could hear him better and wouldn't get hit again.

"Edward, what the fuck are you even doing here? Did you know I was coming?" I asked, once we emerged.

"Of course I knew you were coming, you've come for the past ten years. But, um, the lineup this year was amazing, especially because there were so many older bands we used to see together reuniting… I swear I wasn't following you, but I figured if I ran into you, we could, I don't know, maybe, if you wanted to, see some of them together." He seemed to get more nervous as he spoke, and kept looking down at the floor.

"Okay…" I said slowly, trying to process. "But, Jesus, Edward, what's with the theatrics in the pit? You know I can take care of myself."

"I know, Bells, I know. I just… reacted."

"Are you having roid rage?" I asked, dead serious.

Edward guffawed. "Nah, this is all natural, baby," he said, kissing each of his biceps. I couldn't help but smile at his idiocy.

"Bella!" I lifted my head upon hearing my name. I saw Jasper and Emmett coming towards me. I raised my hand in acknowledgement.

"Edward," Jasper stated, as they got closer. Edward nodded. An uncomfortable silence fell over the four of us.

"When's the next set on our list, Bells?" Emmett finally asked, breaking the tension. I squinted at the scrawl on my arm.

"Umm, next is Reel Big Fish at 1:45. We got some time."

"Beer garden?"

"Done!" I said happily, jumping to my feet. Edward stayed seated, staring at his sneakers. "Edward, who are you here with? Where's Tanya?"

He scoffed. "You think Tanya would come to this? I came by myself. I forgot how much I loved music and shows like this, and I just wanted to be in this kind of atmosphere."

"Oh," I said simply. I wasn't sure what else to say. I hadn't expected his response to be so… pure. Even so, I didn't want to feel responsible for him all day just because he showed up, possibly hoping to see me, that part still wasn't clear.

"Go have fun, I'm sure I'll see you at some other sets later. I'll text you," he said, as he stood up as well.

"Okay," I said, as Emmett and Jasper led me away. I allowed myself to be lead in silence, lost in my thoughts. We showed ID and paid for our eight-dollar beers. I stood in the barren, fenced in area of the beer garden and blankly stared at people. I don't know if Emmett and Jasper were talking to each other or just watching me be catatonic and weird. I was jolted out of my own head by a man yelling over a megaphone.

"I THINK THE BEER GARDEN NEEDS SOME COOLING DOWN, BOYS! COVER YOUR BEERS, PEOPLE!" I heard a mechanical groan, and saw a water truck lumbering our way.

"Oh, fuck," I cried, clapping my hand over the mouth of my beer just as they opened the hoses and doused us all. Everyone was screaming and laughing, shaking the water out of their hair. My white tank top was now completely see-through, and my jeans were suctioned to my legs. Great. I lifted my head to see Emmett and Jasper standing stock-still, wide eyed and completely soaked. I started to giggle, and the giggle turned into a full on fit. Thank God for dehydrated drunks. That had snapped me out of my brooding fully.

The day went by in a dirt filled blur. We'd run into Edward a couple of times, once with some weird girl who'd latched onto him. He'd hung out during a set that I was hovering near, on his phone the entire time. I was irritated. Why come to a concert, act like you want to see me, and then stand next to me and text your annoying girlfriend all day? I got even madder when I realized that I sounded to myself like a crazy jealous harpy. I stood, arms folding, sulking for all those reasons, when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out, thankful for the distraction. It was an insanely long text from Edward.

the energy here is amazing. it's like the vibrations from each note make me feel both young and hopeful, and old and nostalgic. it's like every show i was ever at all rolled into one. i am singing and sweating and chanting in harmony with the most heartbreaking singularity with every other person around me. it's like each note being played is the catalyst for ripping words from my mouth, without conscious thought. just feeling and being. i wish i could capture this feeling and bottle it. this is how i want to feel right before i die. –e

Startled, I just stared at him, and back at my phone. He put his arm around me and hugged me to him, before walking away. Needless to say, his beautiful words spun and confused me. Later, Emmett, Jasper and I demolished huge burritos and felt nauseas for the next two sets. Emmett won me a key chain by drinking Yoo-Hoo out of my nasty shirt. We kept returning to the beer garden and had a decent buzz going on by the last set of the night.

"Guys, come on, I want to get in there for this!" I yelled as I ran towards the stage. Jasper and Emmett followed closely as I wove through people, mumbling apologies. With a pyrotechnic explosion, the band started, and the crowd exploded. I was immediately separated from the guys, but I knew I'd find them. I was giddy with excitement, and jumped around with unbridled glee. Before long, I felt someone jumping next to me, and I turned. It was Edward. He smiled brightly, and grabbed my hand. I let him, and we continued to let the music drive us off the ground and into the air. Eventually, the band slowed it down, thank God. I was way too old to keep dancing like that for too long. I stiffened as the opening chords began.

There were thousands of songs that I related to Edward from our time together, and we'd heard quite a few of them today. I was mostly unfazed. This was a much newer song; one that I'd heard separate from my relationship with Edward, that still made me think of him.

They say the captain

Goes down with the ship

So, when the world ends

Will God go down with it?

Next thing I knew, Edward was hugging me. I hugged him back, breathing him in. We swayed a little to the music.

I've got troubled thoughts

And the self-esteem to match

What a catch, what a catch

I could feel Edward pull back to look at me. I followed his lead, waiting for him to say something. He never spoke, but I could hear his gaze as loud as any words. I knew him too well. I watched his eyes flicker to my lips, and my heart soared and crashed all at the same time. This is all I've wanted for years, do it, do it… my brain screamed. He leaned forward and pressed the right side of his face to the left side of mine. Our mouths were centimeters apart. I knew what he was doing. All I would have to do is turn my head slightly to the left and we'd be kissing. Do it!...my brain continued to berate me. My heart pounded, I readied myself to turn, and then… I stopped. I turned my head to the right instead, dragging my hands through the hairs on the back of his neck, and hugging him tighter, trying to tell him with my hands and arms what I couldn't say with my lips in any way: I want you, Edward, but not like this.