Title: Can't Turn Back
By: Myra
Status: Incomplete [4.5/?]
Summary: Everything that's worth remembering is already forgotten. But somethings are always worth remembering.
Disclaimer: I own this laptop… And this plot. And some OCs... But I swear that's it! Also changing the set up to my stories.
Thank You's (additional thank you's at the bottom): Robin for your wonderful Beta-ing... to Isab -n- Jessie for the encouragement.
WARNINGS: Abortion and depression, heavy implication of Dangina, Serena bashing (sort of), Georgie defending Blair, Dan/Chuck friendship, Nate/Chuck enemies, at least 4 OC (Melanie Coarsen-Bass, Casey Abbot, Arthur 'Ari' Rose, and Edward 'Eddie' Charles Waldorf), baby!Milo is Dan's son. I don't how much of season 3 and season 4 that I will use be warned. Actually, it's mostly AU.
Can't Turn Back:
Chapter 4: Remembrance is Key (Part 2)
If someone had told Blair that she'd be in Manhattan ready to spill her deep darkest secrets to Serena van der Woodsen a year ago, she wouldn't have believed them. It seems odd that after countless years of friendship, it had perished in the weeks following Blair disappearance. Blair hadn't meant to leave for so long, but the guilt consumed her and the longer she stayed away the easier it was to remain silent.
There were few people who knew why Blair Cornelia Waldorf left. Nathaniel Archibald and his fiancée Casey Abbot knew the real story behind the youngest Waldorf's disappearance. Nate never pressed her to go back to Manhattan, in fact he told her to cut her losses and move on. He figured it was easier than to confront not only his former-best friend but his former-girlfriend as well. Casey was the one who encouraged Blair to confront her dysfunctional past, so that she could finally move on from the heartache that she felt inside.
She took Casey's advice and returned to Manhattan twice. The first was the day of Chuck wedding to Melanie and the second was her current visit. The day of Chuck's wedding killed her, the confrontation didn't go as planned and one thing led to another. Things weren't so great after that. Well in reality things haven't been that great, not in the last seven years anyways. Nate and Casey were ever the watchful eye and often warned her about the effects that her trip may cause. The results were a bit tragic.
So as Blair sat there reminiscing about the last seven years, she couldn't help but feel horrified at the prospect of telling Serena everything.
Serena's patience had run out as soon as Blair kicked her out of the suite. So when Serena came back into the suite muttering every curse word she could think of, Blair just gave her a sympathetic glance and asked her to sit so that she could resume her story.
"How can you begin something that you haven't even started," Serena bit back bitterly. Blair gave her a sharp look that told her to be quiet if she wanted to hear her out. Serena resisted the urge to roll her eyes and Blair began to speak.
"I don't know if you'll be able to forgive me after this, I'm not even sure if I want you to forgive me. What I do know is that I never stopped thinking about you or Chuck."
"You have a funny way of showing it," Serena muttered and Blair chose to ignore it.
"Serena before I left—before this whole thing started—I was pregnant. I was exactly 8 weeks pregnant," Blair looked down momentarily, "I wasn't ready to bring a child into this world. Chuck wasn't ready to become a father. I knew this and before I knew what I was doing I was resigning myself to…"
Serena jaw dropped and she hoped and prayed that Blair didn't go through with it, but the look on her face indicted that she did just that. Tears streamed down both their faces.
"I remember it was painful, more than that. It felt like someone was ripping my insides out and all I could think of was the look on Chuck's face if he ever found out what I did. He would hate me, so I kept it a secret. But the longer I hid it the longer it ate at me."
"Blair?" Serena whisper, "Why didn't you come to me? I would have listened…"
"Serena, I didn't even know where you were half the time. It was always Paris, Rome, or some other foreign location. When I called you, you were too drunk to answer. Chuck was in the same position. He was so busy with Bass…"
Serena abruptly stood up and started to pace up and down. She was muttering incoherently. Blair was only able to catch bits of what Serena was saying. Something along the lines of "How… can…she …lying…"
Blair waited for Serena to sit back down before processing again, "Industries. He was going to make Bart Bass proud and nothing or no one would stand in his way."
"Chuck wanted a family, you know this," Serena pressed on.
"Chuck also wanted more than he was willing to bite off," she said briskly, "I love Chuck, but I know him. Bringing a child into this world would change everything. I knew that Chuck would not be able to reach his full potential if I had the baby."
"Chuck would have given up everything for you, for the baby. He loved you so much and it nearly destroyed him. You don't even know the half of it."
Blair shook her head. "Chuck had something to prove, I wasn't going to stand in his way by forcing him to marry me because I was pregnant. He would have resented me; I don't think I'd have been able to take it."
"Is that it?"
Blair shut her eyes tightly together and Serena groaned and muttered 'Damn it, Blair' and waited for her to continue.
"I was planning on telling him everything; I was, but as soon as I heard his voice… I couldn't do that to him. He asked what was wrong and I said something involving Dorota. Funny enough he believed me. A couple days later I got a called from my mother who insisted that I make an appearance in France. All I knew was that Aaron was involved in some horrible accident and it didn't look like he wasn't going to make it."
"Why…"
"Serena, no offence, but this has nothing to do with you. This is my family; I didn't expect you to be able to do anything. Honestly what could you have done? Bring Aaron back from the dead?"
"Fair enough, it's not like we were close or anything," Serena bit back. This time Blair rolled her eyes and continued, "I'm assuming you read the note I left Chuck?"
"I did."
"I wrote it under false pretenses that I would come back sooner than I was expected. Aaron's death gave me a way out of Manhattan. It gave me a clean break. I made my decision as soon as I got on the plane. Chuck would be better off without me."
"When I got to France, Aaron had already passed and there in stood a 2-year-old Arthur Rose. He was beautiful. I feel in love with the little boy and I nearly died when I realized what I did. It was the worst couple months; I don't know how I recovered. My mother suggested that I return home, but I refused. She asked me why I couldn't and I explained that Chuck and I needed space. To distract myself, I started to take care of Ari. My mom and Cyrus were more than willing to hand over custody to me. They claimed that we had developed a 'bond'. In all honesty, I don't think they would be able to handle Ari."
"As astonishing as that last part was, I can't believe you were capable of doing something vile." Serena stood up and walked towards the door.
"What would you have done? Could you honestly look me in the eye and say that you would have taken care of it?"
Serena turned back and walked in front of Blair who was still sitting. "I would have at least tried!" She barked. "You didn't even care!"
At this outburst Blair stood up and faced Serena head on. "And how would you know? You can't even take care of yourself, let alone a small infant. You would have 'tried'? Having a baby isn't like a trial-and-error, there is not re-do if you mess up! Serena grow up. It is so much harder than it looks."
"And how would you know? You murdered yours remember?"
Blair gritted her teeth. "You have no idea what I went through? You have no clue what I am still going through," she whispered harshly.
"Oh enlighten me, Blair."
"I have a son."
"Yes, I can see that," Serena said cruelly and pointed at Ari, "Only problem is he isn't yours."
"I wasn't taking about Ari." Serena eyes soften.
"Blair?" They were interrupted by knocks on the door. Serena moved out of Blair's personal bubble and Blair answered the door. There Chuck stood with a bouquet of hydrangeas in his hands and Blair's face dropped. He handed them to Blair and she took them, no question asked.
"Chuck?" He walked in the suite and saw Serena, who looked absolutely horrified.
"Chuck what are you doing here?" Serena found her voice again.
"Sis, I could ask you the same question but I already know the answer." Chuck looked at both Blair and Serena.
"I suppose Blair's already told you about her miscarriage?" Chuck asked tentatively and Serena's brow furrowed at Blair.
"She might have said something along those lines," Serena said cryptically.
"What did I miss? Because judging from the looks on your faces..." Chuck was unable to finish because Serena interrupted him.
"Blair was just about to finish telling me about France and Ari."
Blair bit her lower lip and thanked whoever stopped Serena from telling Chuck the truth about her fake miscarriage.
"Well Blair continue," Serena pressed on, "I'm dying to know how this story ends."
Blair and Chuck lock glazes. The next thing that happened was a complete and utter mystery because Serena blurted out, "Weren't you just about telling me about your son?"
Blair gaped at Serena, but remained silent.
"What is she taking about Blair?" Chuck whispered. Blair glazed fell to the floor and all she could do was think Edward's small gentle face.
Blair walked over to the tiny crib where her son laid to rest. He looked so much like him. The same smirk, same messy black hair, the same facial expression when he got angry—which wasn't often. But he had had her doe eyes, which she was very thankful for. She made sure he had the best that money could give him.
"Miss Blair." She heard one of the maids call for her, but she paid her no mind. She was currently mesmerized by the small infant. She reached out for his little hand. He opened his eyes and saw his mother and reached out for her. She gently picked him up.
"I love you so much Edward Charles Waldorf," she whispered in his small ear, "and no one will ever make me love you any less. I only wish your father was here."
"Miss Blair, you have company," the maid called out again. Blair kissed Edward's temple and placed the small infant in the crib. She glanced at him one more time and walked out of the room.
AN: I was almost against using the name 'Edward' because of the whole Twilight thing. I really got this name from Ed Westwick because that's his full first name. Enjoy and drop me a review if you want.
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