Ch 3: Revelations

"I am sorry to disturb you in your home..." Spock paused for a moment, unsure of what to call his older self.

"Please, call me Prime," Spock Prime interjected as he guided his younger self through his new home. It was a modest Vulcan home, not unlike the one Spock grew up in. "While it would be more logical to call me by name, seeing as we share the same name, it would make more sense to give one of us a pen name to differentiate. Being the older and more experienced of the two of us, Prime would be a suitable pen name for the moment."

Spock nodded. "That would be agreeable, Prime. As I said, I am sorry to disturb you in your home, but I have been pondering much since last we met."

"As much as I had hoped your curiosity would not overtake your logic, I knew you would eventually seek me out," Prime stated. "After all, who knows your heart and mind better than yourself?" A small hint of a smile perked the corners of Prime's mouth upward.

Spock gave Prime a quizzical look. "Has my future affected me so that I am more willing to show emotion openly?"

Prime laughed at his younger self, which only intensified the look of confusion on his face. "Ah yes, I remember how much trouble I had with emotions at your age. Sometimes it felt like I was torn in two, my Vulcan side compelling me to bury my emotions deep, my human side urging me to wear my emotions on my sleeve."

Feeling unusually threatened by this piece of information, Spock responded, "I am in complete control of my emotions." Prime smiled again, this time more openly. "I said the exact same thing when I was your age." He motioned toward a chair, which Spock sat in after giving a nod of acknowledgement. "Perhaps, in a different situation, control of my emotions would have been as successful as if I were a full Vulcan. But with the hot-blooded Admiral James T. Kirk at my side, it did not seem that would ever be possible."

Spock stared incredulously at Prime. "Admiral?"

Prime laughed again as he sat down across from Spock. "Yes, Admiral. Granted, his rank of Admiral was short lived due to his theft of the Enterprise, an admiral he was indeed. As the look on your face dictates, this does not seem at all logical at this moment, but for the very same type of command Jim took in facing Nero, he is later on promoted to Admiral." He cocked his head to the side. "Of course, with the changes to the timeline that have occurred, it is possible that the situation that led to Jim's promotion may never happen now. It is also possible that his promotion make come swifter than in my timeline and the circumstances which resulted in his demotion may never occur. So in all actuality, Jim could become an admiral and remain one until his retirement."

Spock's head began to spin. He placed his hands on his head and hunched over. Admiral Kirk? Seriously? How on Earth could someone so reckless ever possibly become an admiral?!? Spock's reaction did not go unnoticed to his older self. "It seems this information is already a bit much for you to take so soon after your arrival. It would be better if we took things a little slower and introduced my past at a more labored pace." Spock Prime stood up and looked down at Spock with almost a fatherly look on his face.

Immediately Spock stood up and cried, "No! …No, I…I am simply taken aback by this news. It would seem logical that at some point, the Captain would mature enough where his actions could persuade Starfleet to promote him to Admiral. My reaction stemmed from my personal experiences with the Captain."

Prime raised a hand to reassure his younger self. "It is alright. I have to remind myself that things in this timeline have varied a great deal from mine, and I should not expect you react calmly to all I reveal. Much of what I will tell you will further evoke emotional responses such as the one you just displayed. Such is why I suggest that instead of immediately explaining all to you, perhaps settling in would make the experience more comfortable for you."

Spock blinked at this response. He hadn't expected to turn this into more than a few hours of conversation. He wasn't even certain if his father was present in the colony or elsewhere attending to urgent matters and therefore was unsure where he would be staying. While staying with Prime would be the easiest and most logical thing to do, something about spending time with a mirror image of himself disturbed him. Perhaps this was because in all reality, neither should even co-exist together, let alone stay under the same roof. Yet there they were, together in the same room, no time paradoxes, no spontaneous combustions, nothing. It was clear that while the two Spocks were genetically the exact same person; the different paths their lives had taken had created two very different people.

After taking some time to think things through, Spock stood up straight and replied, "Very well. Though an extended stay in your residence was not my original intention, I shall accept your offer and stay with you for the few days I have planned to visit the colony."

Prime nodded, another faint smile on his lips. "It pleases me to hear that. Come, I will prepare a room and dress for you. Do forgive me as I do not typically entertain guests."

The two Spocks walked further into the house, the younger of the two becoming more and more worried as to what he was in for.

Prime was sitting in his living room reading when Spock walked in, dressed in Vulcan garb similar to that which Spock Prime wore. His robe was a dark grey color with long, billowy sleeves and intricate embroidery that spanned the front folds, the black turtleneck and black slacks he wore beneath it barely visible. Prime sensed Spock's entrance and closed his book. Placing the book to the side, he asked, "I assume you have rested enough to resume our conversation?"

Spock nodded and seated himself across from his older self. The uneasy feeling he felt inside only seemed to get worse the more time he spent with Prime, but his thirst for knowledge overrode this. He leaned forward in the chair and clasped his hands together on his knees. "The last thing you had told me was that Captain Kirk is eventually promoted to Admiral."

Being much older and wiser than his younger counterpart, Prime could sense the uneasiness that Spock unintentionally emanated. "Spock," Prime said slowly, also leaning forward in his chair, "is there a reason you choose not to refer to Jim by his name rather than by his rank?"

"It is only right for a subordinate to address his superior by his rank."

"Does Jim approve of this?"

Spock faltered. "Actually…no, he does not. He has requested many times to refer to him as 'Jim', much like you address him."

"Then why do you fail to grant him his request? If he is indeed your superior, if for no other reason than to obey him, you would do as he asks."

Spock's face grew cold. "I fail to see the benefit in bending over backwards for him at all times simply because he requests it."

Prime's eyes narrowed. "You hold a grudge against him for taking advantage of you when you were at your weakest." Ignoring the shocked look on Spock's face, Prime continued, "I can tell that I am right, and it is to be expected. However, you do not have Jim to blame, as he only did so because I requested."

Spock stared at Prime, his mouth agape. "Why?" he said breathlessly. "Why would you ask him to so something like that deliberately?"

"Is it not obvious?" Prime asked, more than a little disappointed in Spock's reluctance to discover the real reason himself. "The Jim of my time was meant to be captain of the Enterprise, and I his number one. Because of the events that unfurled from the battle with Nero, history itself altered. While circumstances led to your brief position as acting captain, you were never meant to be Jim's superior in rank, but rather his compliment while on duty, and his equal off duty."

Anger began to boil beneath Spock's calm exterior. Why was it that that annoyingly charismatic man was more entitled to glory and greatness than he was? He was impulsive, self-centered, and immature, while Spock was calm, rational, and intelligent. It was insane. Was the entire universe against him? Or was he really blinded so badly by his personal desires that he couldn't see Kirk's true qualities as a leader? The anger flowing through Spock's vein was felt by the elder Vulcan, who sat back in his chair and sighed wearily. "Spock, I am beginning to doubt that sitting you down and telling you everything will be of any benefit. The more I explain, the less control you hold over your emotions. It would seem best to leave well enough alone and simply use the rest of your time exploring the colony."

Spock took a deep breath, which he released slowly through his nose. This simple breathing method calmed him down and allowed him to think more clearly. "I assure you, I am prepared for the truth. However, the events that have led me here have made it difficult for me to process these truths. The glorious man you speak of does not exist for me. He is brash, untrained, and stubborn. He lacks all sense of reason and is a danger to both himself and those around him. I do not feel as though his appointment to captain was well earned, but was given to him to pacify him. He wastes the intelligence he was born with and is a disgrace to all who serve under him."

Prime listened to the young Vulcan speak and shook his head. "It is obvious then that there is no point in telling you what I know," he said. "If you have already formed your prejudices against Jim, little of what I say will get through to you. However, if you are merely clutching to these prejudices as a safeguard against the unknown, then there is a chance my past will be an invaluable resource for you." Prime raised his hand and leaned forward. "With your permission, I will meld my mind with yours, and reveal all to you. Perhaps then you will know the truth and take it to heart."

Spock hesitated at first. A part of him screamed to let it be, to simple let his life progress as it should and leave his alternate self to live out his own life. The timeline had already been tampered with; he need only continue down his path and face the unknown alone. The other part of him yearned to have all his questions answered and his doubts erased. Was there really more to Kirk than he saw? What did he really feel about him? If he was never meant to be captain of the Enterprise, then what purpose did he serve aboard it? After quickly weighing his options, he nodded and leaned forward to allow Prime to begin the process. Both Prime and Spock closed their eyes.

"My mind…to your mind. My thoughts…to your thoughts. Our minds together…our minds are one."

In an instant, Spock felt himself being pulled into Prime's subconscious. He saw himself meeting Kirk for the first time, their first mission, and their adventures together. He experienced pon farr and plak tow, and saw his emotional responses to Kirk's proposed death and his reappearance on the Enterprise. He saw himself die and become reborn on Genesis. He saw himself being outfitted with Vulcan's fastest ship, racing to destroy the star before it destroyed Romulus, and then saw himself being launched into their current timeline. But he saw and felt even more. Private games of chess, happiness and laughter, sorrow and tears, embraces, sweet whispers, waves of passion, swells and releases…

Spock's eyes flew open as the mind meld completed. His breath was labored and his skin flushed a deep green. He felt incredibly lost, but at the same time, everything he saw and felt seemed so right. His lips parted as he gasped out a single word:

"T'hy'la…"

Prime nodded. "Now, you understand. However, Jim will discover all this on his own. At least, it is my hope that I did not interfere too much with him as well."

Spock gave Prime a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Prime closed his eyes and drew a pained breath. "I performed a mind meld with Jim on Delta Vega. It was for the sole purpose of explaining the Nero situation, but I fear I let my emotions and memories slip through. What I fear more is that I have potentially traumatized him, as I gave no warning that I would perform the meld."

The flush that colored Spock's face quickly drained away, leaving his face paler than usual. "Prime…"

"I know, what I did was morally wrong," Prime interjected. "Mind melds should never be performed without any kind of consent, but the situation was far too urgent to sit around talking over a campfire. As the humans say, desperate times called for desperate measures."

Spock closed his eyes and covered his face. He could not imagine what Kirk was going through as they spoke. Had his older self been a less experienced melder, it was extremely likely that Kirk would have gone insane. Suddenly feeling very tired, he rose out of his chair and strode out of the room. Prime called out,

"Are you leaving?" Prime called out.

Spock stopped and turned his head. "No. Not yet. As I mentioned before, I plan to observe the progress of this colony more closely during my shore leave. Given all that I have just learned, I also still have to take the time to process everything and discern what feelings are yours and which are mine. But if the Captain…Jim…is experiencing what I think he is, I believe I should make my stay even shorter than I originally planned."

Prime nodded. "Perhaps that would be wise. You are welcome here as long as you need or desire to be. My home is your home." Spock nodded in acknowledgement and left the room, leaving Prime to himself. Hands clasped in front of his face and his elbows sitting on his knees, he thought out loud, "I do hope I did the right thing…"

Spock managed to keep his composure until he reached his room. He closed the door and laid his back against it. The breathing he had tried so hard to keep even was now ragged and labored. His normally direct gaze flickered and darted. His typically emotionless face showed an array of emotions: fear, confusion, embarrassment, and more than anything else, sadness. Spock now knew exactly what had led to the appearance of both Nero and Prime in his timeline. Everything made sense, but that came at the cost of his emotions. He now knew and felt everything that his former part did. Above all, the guilt, regret, and sadness were the most immediate and were felt the strongest.

Spock's knees buckled. He fell to the floor on all fours. While logic told him not all of the emotions he felt were specifically his alone, it did not relinquish their hold on him. His already unbearable grief from the loss of his mother, his home world, and the majority of his race was now doubled with the overwhelming responsibility Prime felt for it all. The control he had struggled to hold on to tightly finally broke. For the first time since he was a child, tears poured from his eyes down his cheeks. Uncontrollable sobs cut off his breath and forced his body to the floor. His forehead touched the floor as he cried his soul out. He cried the tears of a son without his mother and a man who had failed his people.

A knock came at the door, startling Spock. Prime's voice came muffled through the door. "Spock? Are you well? It is normal to be overwhelmed with emotions when a large amount of information is transmitted through mind meld. I wish to see if you are affected in any way."

At first, Spock feared opening the door and letting his weakness be known to Prime, but then he realized there was no way Prime could not know what he was going through at the time. After all, half the pain he felt was Prime's. He shakily lifted himself off the floor and opened the door, not bothering to wipe away his tears. If Prime had sensed that he was in agony, there was no point in trying to hide it. Prime saw his younger self in the exact state he had expected: skin many shades paler, eyes bloodshot, cheeks wet with fresh tears. Spock's lip trembled as he attempted to calm himself long enough to address Prime, but the pain was too great to hold in and tears continued to flow from his eyes.

It pained Prime greatly to see himself in such a state. He felt his own control break as well as he drew Spock into his arms as a loving father would his son. Although the contact threw Spock off, as Vulcans very rarely engaged in such personal contact, he welcomed the embrace and let himself cry openly and loudly. Though Prime still held on to some control of his emotions, tears fell from his eyes as well, as the two usually strong men broke down.

"I'm so sorry, Spock," Prime cried through his tears. "I've failed you. I've failed everyone." Spock continued to sob, but managed to say, "I never told her I loved her. I never told her how proud I was to be her son. And now she's gone. I'll never get to tell her." Prime held Spock head in his hand and nodded. "I know, Spock. I know."

As the two men stood holding each other, a passerby looked through the hallway window and looked curiously at the two crying Vulcans. The woman was perplexed at the sight of two fully grown Vulcans losing control of their emotions in such a dramatic way, but when she sensed the grave amount of anguish the two were feeling, she simply pursed her lips in full understanding and walked away silently.