Ch 6: Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
Spock and Prime sat outside in Prime's backyard underneath the night sky. The stars twinkled high above them, but neither paid any attention to them. Both sat cross-legged on the dirt facing each other with eyes tightly shut. Their breathing was slow and in sync as they meditated together. Though they spoke not a single word to each other, they communicated with each other. Spock's face began to twitch, as if he was suddenly beginning to strain. At his brow, beads of sweat began to accumulate despite the cool night air around him. His steady breathing became more labored and his whole body began to shake.
His eyes flew open as his concentration broke completely. He panted out of exhaustion as Prime slowly reopened his own eyes and looked at the worn young Vulcan in front of him. Spock looked at Prime and simply shook his head. He rose from his cross-legged position on the ground and dusted himself of. Spock carefully did the same, but swayed on his feet as he did. Frustration was clear on his face at his failure to maintain the level of meditation he strived for.
"I am uncertain that I will be able to achieve my goals with these meditation techniques," he said wearily. "It seems that the amount of focus needed is beyond my reach."
Prime walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Do not give up hope so soon, Spock," he said. "The techniques you are trying to learn took me years to master. It is possible that I may be asking more of you than I should, but as I stated days ago, your mastery over your inner selves is of the utmost importance. I have faith that with diligence and persistence, you will be able to learn the techniques successfully and with individual training, be able to master it without my help. I have faith in you, Spock, but if you do not have faith in yourself, it will not be possible to obtain your goal."
Spock sighed in defeat. Of course, the elder Vulcan was right. It didn't change the difficulty of the task, however. Even after working on the techniques for the past few days, he found himself unable to grasp the nuances this form of meditation required. He refused to give up; he had never met a challenge he could not overcome, and he was not going to let this one be his first.
He looked at Prime with a fire in his eyes. Steadying his breath, he said, "I wish to make another attempt at the technique. I believe that I can properly perform the technique with just a little more practice."
"Do not push your self so hard Spock," Prime warned. "The key to this technique is to maintain peace of mind before performing it. If you attempt to meditate in your current state, you will only find the process that much more difficult. It would be better if we adjourned for the night and try again tomorrow morning. "
Defiantly, Spock shook his head. "On the contrary, I believe that is the very root of my problem. Attempting meditation when it is unnecessary and unneeded is complicating my comprehension of the technique. I am certain that I can perform the technique successfully with one more attempt, utilizing the frustration I am currently experiencing. Halting my current momentum will be more detrimental to my progress than continuing in my current state. If I am unsuccessful, you have my word that I will refrain from any further attempts until tomorrow."
Prime sighed. He knew that he was not going to be able to convince Spock to leave well enough alone for the night. When he thought about it though, Spock was right. Perhaps they had been approaching the technique all wrong. Even though meditation was typically performed in a calm state to keep oneself well-balanced, learning how to use the technique without having anything to build off of was counter-productive. He returned to the spot he sat in and sat in the cross-legged position. Spock did the same and closed his eyes tight. As soon as Prime's eyes were closed, their telepathic communication resumed.
Reach deep down within yourself and feel the separate parts of you. Try to pull them closer together.
I can feel the frustration strongest. I will attempt to pull the emotions into it.
Spock let his frustration sit in the pit of his stomach, letting it churn and swirl fiercely so as to serve as a solid core for him to draw his other emotions into. From that core, he reached out and pulled each emotion in one by one. His eyes fluttered frantically underneath their lids, but he did not give up. Some emotions were more difficult to pull in than others, but after some time, he was able to draw them all in. The emotions, however, were all still very separate and capable of spinning off once more. From this point, he needed to merge them all into one single emotion and then negate it. His jaw began to twitch from the enormous amount of effort he used to fuse the emotions into one.
Sweat poured down Spock's face like rain. He could feel fewer emotions the harder he tried, but he was beginning to lose strength. Prime's voice rang in his ears: Do not lose it Spock; they are beginning to fuse together. Keep it up! Slowly the emotions became fewer and fewer until only one existed, the one at the very core: frustration. Again came Prime's voice: Now, breathe deeply. You will need to negate the frustration that dwells inside you. Your body is tense and its tenseness will only allow the frustration to grow within you. Relax your mind and body and simply feel the frustration.
Air filled Spock's lungs and was slowly released. He repeated this simple action over and over, feeling his body relax and his mind begin to clear. When his body and mind were at ease, he pushed the frustration back into a ball and attempted to negate it. Gradually he felt the ball of frustration inside of him thinning. The ball of frustration thinned more and more until it was gone completely. He felt nothing, nothing but a serene calmness that filled him completely.
Spock's eyes opened to see a smiling Prime before him. He returned the smile with a knowing nod. The two stood up simultaneous and cleaned themselves off once more. Prime walked over to where Spock stood with his hands behind his back.
"Well done Spock," he said with pride in his voice. "You have performed the meditation technique necessary for merging and negating your emotions. This technique will be an invaluable tool for merging the opposing sides that dwell deep within you. However, you still require much more practice. Until the meditation becomes simple and effortless, you will not be able to successfully perform the merge, but now that you see what the technique requires, I am confident that you will be able to do so sooner rather than later."
"From this point, you will simply need to continue practicing this technique on your own. There is no more I can teach you from this point." A sad look showed on Prime's face. "As we have agreed upon, you will be returning to the Enterprise tomorrow morning. At least, I assume that is still the case."
Spock raised an eyebrow, curious about the tone that Prime spoke in. "It sounds as if you are somewhat saddened with my departure." Prime closed his eyes and chuckled. "It appears," he said, "that my words have betrayed my emotions. Yes, I am somewhat saddened at your departure. I have spent so many of my days alone that I had forgotten how enjoyable the company of others can be." He lifted his eyes to meet with Spock's. "In addition, spending time with you has made realize what a father feels like when he spends time with his son. I am beginning to wish Jim and I looked into having a child together."
Though he said nothing, Spock's mind reeled at the thought of him and Kirk having a child together. Technology had progressed far enough to surpass the incompatibility of Vulcan and human genes, which allowed for his own birth. Though he was unfamiliar with the science behind it, he knew that technology now also allowed two men to bear a child together without the assistance of a female egg. It was a rather disturbing aspect for him at the moment, so he decided not to dwell on the thought much, though he did wonder what kind of parents he and Kirk would be.
His thoughts were interrupted by Prime clearing his throat. He refocused his eyes on Prime's face, which no longer showed any signs of the sadness he felt inside. Despite the calm exterior Prime presented, Spock could sense his true feelings beneath the surface. "At any rate," Prime continued, "I cannot force you to stay here any longer than you desire, especially not for my own selfish reasons.
Prime walked inside his house, Spock watching him as he went. He stopped right outside of the door and turned his head to the side. "I always wondered why it was that no matter how long I stayed, my mother cried whenever I left home after a visit. It seems I finally understand why." Without clarifying, Prime walked into the house and left Spock to stand outside, his mouth agape.
The morning sun rose slowly over the horizon, painting the sky pink and orange. Morning dew clung to the grass as birds chirped their morning song in the trees. The day was just beginning, yet Kirk stood outside his Iowa home with his bag slung over his shoulder. His mother had a sad look on her face as she looked at her youngest son. "Honey, are you sure you want to leave so early? You still have a week of leave left, and you said yourself that when your leave ends, you'll be out in space for five years straight. Shouldn't you enjoy your free time a little more before going back?"
Kirk gave his mother a sad, yet loving smile. "You're right, I should. But there are some things I want to take care of back on Enterprise before I lead her and the crew. Besides, I've still got a lot of thinking to do about the whole…you know…and I'll have an easier time sorting things out if I have nothing around to distract me. 'Course, if you wanted to make some more of your homemade blueberry cobbler, I might be convinced to stay a little longer."
His mother laughed, "If you have any more of my cobbler, you won't be able to fit into your uniform!"
The two laughed together and then just looked at each other. His mother's eyes grew misty as she looked at her son. She placed a hand on his face, which he covered with his own. She smiled, and said, "You look so much like your father now. I just know that if he were alive today, he'd be so proud of what you've become."
Hearing these words from his mother struck a chord in Kirk's heart. Tears came to his eyes, and he attempted to shake it off. "Aw, come on mom. It'll do no good getting me all choked up before I go."
His mother's lip trembled as she drew her son into a tight hug. Kirk wrapped his arms around her as she cried softly. Kirk found himself getting swept in the moment and let a few tears fall from his eyes as well. He held on to his mother tightly, fully aware that it would be last time he'd be able to hug her for at least another five years.
After holding on for some time, the two finally broke their hug and looked at each other again. While his mother left the tears to dry on her face, Kirk quickly rushed to wipe his away. "Dang it mom, I didn't want to leave home on such a sappy note."
She smiled at her son, amused by his feeble attempts to hide his feelings. She reached up for his face and brought it down low enough for her to plant a kiss on his forehead. Looking him in the face, she said, "Don't ever try to hide who you really are dear. Those of us who love you love you for all that you are, not what you present to us."
He stood up fully and looked at his mom. It was amazing how strong and wise a woman she really was. He took a deep breath and said, "Well, it's about time I get going. After all, what's Enterprise without her captain?" He gave his trademark pearly white smile and stared at his mom again, who smiled back.
"Take care of yourself mom."
"You too, honey."
Kirk hopped onto his motorcycle and revved it. He turned to his mother and waved. She waved back, a look of fondness and sadness mixed together on her face. With a final rev, Kirk hurtled down the road and soon faded out of sight.
The Two Spocks stood facing each other in the early morning light. The elder Spock stood on the steps of his home, while the younger stood at the bottom, looking up. The two took a moment to simply stare at one another, one looking at his past, the other at his future.
"You have my thanks for allowing me to reside temporarily in your home," Spock said, giving a bow out of respect for his elder.
Prime nodded in return at Spock. "It seemed the most logical choice to make. You had much to learn, and there was no way of guestimating your potential reaction." He paused for a moment, looking at the youth before him. "Spock, this may sound strange, but seeing as the timeline has altered greatly, I feel it necessary to mention. All that you learned of my own past does not dictate any decisions you should make in the near and distant future. While my Jim and your Jim are technically still the same person with only slight differences, the difference between you and I are much greater. Your destiny is yours to choose, and if you choose not to be as…intimate…as Jim and I were, there is nothing wrong with that."
Spock took a moment to let these words sink in. He then raised his head up high, and said, "You and I both know that I do not believe in the human definition of destiny. As you said, my destiny is my own to choose and direct. However, you and I both also know that when given concrete evidence, I am compelled to believe something as true and unavoidable. If your Jim and my Jim are truly near mirror images of one another, it is logical to assume that my bond with him will be just as strong as yours."
Prime chuckled lightly as Spock gave a smug smirk in kind. "It will take more than a simple mind meld for you to know all that James T. Kirk truly is. There are many things you will have to see and experience for yourself. However, you have proven that you can boldly face the unknown and come out brilliantly in the end, and I have no further worries of what will come. This may very well be the last time we see each other, and so it should be. I do, however, have a parting gift I would like to give you."
A gift? Spock thought to himself. What in the world could Prime have to give me? He watching in shock as Prime pulled out the book of Romantic poets that he had seen Spock read throughout the duration of his visit from within his robe. He then turned and handed it to the young Vulcan, who simply looked at him in disbelief.
"I cannot not accept this gift," Spock said.
"You can and you will," Prime said in a very matter of fact manner. "It is my express desire for you to take this with you, not only because you showed a very high level of interest in it during your visit, but because I feel like you can learn much from the poetry within it. The best way to understand the human heart is to read poetry, as all poetry is born from the emotions humans hold inside their heart. You're already well on your way to better understanding the man you are falling in love with."
Spock looked at the wise Vulcan who stood before him, bearing the same face as he, only aged by the years of life Spock had not yet lived. He tried to say something, but he found that he had no words. This simple gesture of giving him a book had rendered him completely speechless.
Prime smiled at Spock and raised his hand in the traditional Vulcan farewell hand sign. "As before, I will simply say, 'Good luck', but I will also add, 'to thine own self, be true.'"
Spock reciprocated the hand sign and nodded. "Be well, Prime."
"Be well, Spock."
Spock turned away and began his trek back to his ship. He turned back one final time to gaze at his older self, who still stood on his door step, looking back at him. He nodded one last time, and then continued back to his ship.
George Samuel Kirk and his family stood waiting by a shuttle in the Starfleet docking bay. George had to rearrange his schedule to meet with Kirk a week early, but it was worth it to see his little brother off. It had been quite some time since he saw him last, and even though he wanted to visit both Kirk and his mother in the house they grew up in, his utter detest of his step-father outweighed his desire. His wife Aurelan and his three sons waited patiently beside him, though his youngest son repeatedly rubbed his eyes sleepily. He hated pulling them out of bed so early in the morning, but with Kirk leaving on a five-year mission, it would be the last time they'd see him for at least that long.
Coming around a corner near the entrance of the bay was Kirk, wearing his favorite leather jacket and carrying a moderate sized duffle bag. George smiled at the sight of his little brother. Even from afar he could see that he hadn't changed a bit. His sons ran forward to greet their uncle, cheerfully crying "Uncle Jim! Uncle Jim!" as they ran. Kirk laughed and dropped his bag, bending down to hug his three nephews. The boys ran full force into Kirk and knocked him down. With a smirk, he walked over to where his sons had tackled his brother, his wife following close behind.
Kirk managed to sit up with the three boys still holding on to him tightly. He saw his brother and sister-in-law approach him and gave a warm smile which they reciprocated. Laughter in his voice, he greeted them. "Hey there George. Aurelan. Good to see you two again. Obviously the boys are doing well!"
George laughed at his younger brother and extended his hand to help him back up. Aurelan said to her children, "Come now boys, let Uncle Jim get up. He hasn't seen Daddy in a while and he's going to be leaving on a very long mission." Reluctantly, the boys let go of their uncle, but the smiles on their faces didn't go away.
Eagerly, they started asking questions. "Uncle Jim! Is it true you're the youngest captain in Starfleet history?!?"
"What's it like flying a huge ship like the Enterprise?!?"
"Do you have a lot of girlfriends?!?"
"What's it like working with aliens?!?"
George quickly hushed his over excited children. "Quiet boys!" He sighed, much to his brother's amusement. Finally able to speak with his brother, George began, "So, what's the big idea of changing your departure time, huh? Iowa get too boring for you?"
Kirk chuckled. "There's only so much dirt and grass a man can take, and if I keep going to the bar, they're gonna post my face up on a flyer that says 'Do not serve this man'." He turned to his sister-in-law, who as always, radiated beauty and grace. When George brought Aurelan to meet Kirk and their mother, it was all Kirk could do to submerge his jealousy. There was not a single woman alive that he knew that was as perfect as his brother's wife, and it drove him mad that he hadn't been the one lucky enough to find her. "How's George treating you Aurelan? Not making you clean the house all day is he?"
She giggled beautifully, causing another twinge of jealousy to pull at Kirk. With the voice of an angel, she replied, "Oh no, of course not. He treats me ever so well. Now his boys on the other hand, they like to keep me on my toes!"
The three boys laughed as they clung onto their uncle's sides. The youngest chimed in, "I like to make mud pies for Mommy!" Kirk turned and put his hand on top of the boy's head, ruffling his dark brown hair. "Mud pies, huh?" he said. "You don't make your mommy eat them do you?" The boy giggled and shook his head. "No, but I try to make Peter eat them!" From the other side of Kirk, Peter exclaimed, "Yeah, but it never works! I'm too big to be eating mud pies!"
Laughter echoed throughout the empty docking bay. George looked at his brother and asked, "But seriously, you've got a whole 'nother week of leave left. What on Earth are you going to do on the Enterprise? If you thought Iowa was boring, I can't imagine how boring a giant ship like the Enterprise will be with no one else aboard!"
With a smirk, Kirk replied, "With all the paperwork they make me fill out as a captain, I'll have more to do than I'd care to. Besides, I'm getting ready to go on a five year long mission into uncharted space. I need all the time I can get to get better acquainted with the ship. I already sound like an idiot to my fellow crew members; last thing I wanna do is get myself into a situation I won't know how to get out of."
His brother nodded, understanding all too well what it was that Kirk meant. He took a long look at the man in front of him and realized rather quickly that the man he saw was not the same rambunctious little boy he grew up with. "Looks like you've really grown up, Jim."
"Yeah," Kirk said. "I guess I have." The two brothers looked at each other in silence while Aurelan shooed the boys away to give the two men some time alone. George took a deep breath and smiled at his little brother. "Well Jim, I wish you all the luck in the world. You've made me proud to be your big brother, and I can see you going far. Just don't forget about your old brother George when you're famous."
George took a few steps toward his brother and spread his arms. Kirk did the same, and the two embraced. Childhood memories brought tears to their eyes. They held on tightly to each other, neither ready to let the other go. Aurelan watched from afar, a stray tear falling from her eye down her cheek. Even the three young boys stared quietly at the touching scene between their father and their uncle.
Patting his back, George pulled back and looked at his little brother again, his eyes red rimmed and watery. It didn't surprise him to see the same thing before him. Neither bothered to wipe their tears as the deep love between them surpassed any machismo desire to look tough. George's voice came out strained and tight. "Well, if you've got a lot to do on the Enterprise, I won't keep you."
Aurelan and the boys walked back over to the brothers and took their turns hugging Kirk. Aurelan hugged him first, the faint fragrance of flowers wafting into Kirk's nostrils. The boys had apparently gotten caught up in the moment and started crying too. Kirk opened his arms wide and hugged all three of them at once, stroking their backs as he tried to calm them down. "Come on guys, it's only five years. Before you know it, crazy Uncle Jim will come back with a million exciting stories to tell you."
His attempt to reassure the young boys was ineffective. Between their sobs, they each blubbered, "I'm gonna miss you Uncle Jim…"
"Don't go Uncle Jim…"
"Can't you come back sooner? Five years is forever…"
They sobbed openly and loudly, tears streaming down their smooth, chubby cheeks. Aurelan pulled her children away and held them all in her arms, allowing them to sob as she gently shushed them. She smiled her beautiful smile at Kirk and nodded, giving him the go ahead to head over to the shuttle.
Standing back up, he gave his brother a final hug. George whispered in his ear, "Give 'em hell out there Jim. Show 'em what we Kirks are made of." Kirk's eyes closed as his throat began to close up from the sadness of leaving his family behind. He released his big brother and managed to smile through his tears. He nodded and said, "See you around George."
George smiled and said, "You'll know where to find me when you get back Jim." Kirk picked up his bag and made his way toward the shuttle. The boys released their mother and yelled their goodbyes. Kirk turned around and waved goodbye to his nephews, walking backwards for a short time before turning back around. He climbed into the shuttle and motioned to the pilot that waited inside to start the shuttle up and make their way to the Enterprise. The pilot saw the tear-streaked face of the young captain and nodded silently. His expression was one that he saw frequently in these situations, but something about seeing it on Kirk's face left an impression on him.
The pilot thought to himself as he started the shuttle up and Kirk buckled himself in, I guess even starship captains allow themselves to cry every now and then too.