Ch 13: Letting Go
Kirk turned the water in his shower off and pulled back the curtain. As he stepped out, he smiled at the steam that completely filled his bathroom. Another nice hot shower, he thought to himself. Even though two weeks ago he never would have guessed he'd be hooking up with Spock, it was a lot nicer to simply take care of his self instead of taking a cold shower when dirty thoughts of him and the Vulcan came to mind. He grabbed two towels, one to dry himself off, and the other to dry his hair. Just as he had begun drying his hair, a knock came at his door. He paused and stared at his door. Who in the world would be knocking at my door right now? Wrapping a towel tightly around his waist, he walked out of his bathroom, a quizzical look on his face.
"Who is it?" he cried.
"First Officer Spock, Captain," came the muffled reply from behind his door. "Requesting permission to enter your quarters sir."
Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Kirk decided to forgo putting any clothes on and threw himself onto his bed. Though he hadn't expected to see Spock for the rest of the day, he wanted to make sure he was ready for whatever he had in store with this surprise visit. He posed as sexily as he could, which turned out to be easier than he thought with only a towel covering his still wet body.
"Come in!" he shouted, putting on his best come-hither face.
In walked Spock in his typical rigid pose. As soon as the door closed, he relaxed, unclasping his hands and letting them rest at his sides. He brought his attention to Kirk and saw the blond-haired captain lazily draped across his bed. His skin glistened from the water that still clung to his flesh. Droplets of water fell from his hair and rolled down his shoulders and chest. A flush painted his cheeks and nose red from the hot water he had just finished showering in. Spock couldn't help but react noticeably when he saw his captain in such a manner. Part of him was turned on; the other part of him wanted to laugh. It was peculiar how easily he reacted to the Captain's increasingly nonsensical actions, but he supposed that was simply a part of allowing himself to be more emotionally open to the man.
Realizing his mouth was hanging open, he shook his head to clear some of the naughty thoughts out of his head. "Jim, I have something that I need to discuss with you. I unfortunately do not have time to indulge in some of our more physical activities." The flush on Kirk's face deepened from his inaccurate assumption. He quickly repositioned himself into a sitting position at the edge of the bed. Clearing his throat, he said, "Uh, sorry there Spock. I just figured, you know, what with all the ruckus outside, you wanted to…so, what do you need to talk about?"
Spock licked his lips, as they had become unusually dry. Kirk desperately tried not to focus on this simple, yet damn sexy action so that he could hear what was on his beloved's mind. "Nyota came to visit me at my quarters not long ago."
The contempt was clear to see on Kirk's face the moment Uhura's name was mentioned. "Oh? What happened?" Spock's pale skin turned green in shame. "She…she kissed me…as a form of greeting me after her arrival." He noticed that Kirk was turning a rather deep shade of red and knew exactly why. He continued, "When she kissed me, it occurred to me that the emotional attachment I once shared with her is no longer in effect."
To his relief, the color in Kirk's face disappeared and his face relaxed. Kirk breathed a sigh of relief. "Ah, so you've officially fallen out of love with her, then?"
Slowly, Spock nodded. He added, "I have to be quite honest Jim…I am not entirely certain that I ever really did love her…"
Kirk laughed as the feeling of panic drained away. Ignoring the look that Spock gave him, he leaned forward. "That's perfect then! That means that all you have to do is break up with her, and we have nothing to worry about!" His hand rose to touch Spock's face, but Spock grabbed his wrist before he could and lowered it. The smile melted off his face when he saw the sadness in Spock's eyes.
"I am afraid that is the reason I have come to your quarters," Spock said, the tone of his voice matching the look in his eyes. "Had I no interest in Uhura at all, I could simply end things between us swiftly and bluntly, however I feel indebted to Uhura for her kindness. I have grown fond of her and wish to preserve the bond she and I share, but it is plain to see that she loves me deeply. Once I make clear my lack of desire to continue the romantic aspects of our relationship, I fear she will sever all ties with me, and I will lose a dear friend." The sadness in his voice grew thick. "I have lost so much all ready; I do not wish to lose her as well."
Kirk sighed. This was a situation that he wasn't too entirely familiar with. All his relationships with women had been on a bedroom-only basis, so friendship was never a worry when he decided to break things off, which he did frequently and unabashedly. For Spock, simply breaking it off and going about his business wouldn't be nearly as easy. It was mind blowing that Spock would ask him of all people for advice on how to break up with a girl. Little did he know that the irony of the situation was recognized by Spock as well but was overridden by its somberness.
The blue-eyed captain couldn't bear to see the Vulcan looking so sad. In an attempt to lighten the mood, he clapped his free hand on Spock's shoulder and cheerfully said, "Spock, your plight is one that has plagued humans for centuries: how to stay friends with the girl you want to dump. I hate to tell ya, but even now there's no easy way to break it off. The moment you say something, she'll get weepy, angry, defensive, and then when it's all over she'll run to her friends and gorge on a gallon of ice cream in pajamas while talking about how much they hate men."
Spock simply blinked at Kirk. He couldn't honestly tell if Kirk was making a joke at his expense or if he was serious. The blank stare he gave Kirk conveyed this clearly without him having to say anything. "So what you'll need to do," Kirk continued, realizing his humor was lost on his dear Vulcan friend, "is be gentle with her. Reassure her that there's nothing wrong with her, and let her know that you simply want to stay friends. There's no way you'll be able to emphasize enough just how much she means to you. Lay it on thick, shower her with praise, and don't let her forget that she is a truly wonderful woman. Tell her that you're a fool for letting her go, but remind her that you'll always be there for her. And whatever you do, don't speak to her like you're prattling off scientific knowledge or the ship's status. Talk to her like she's a human, not an officer."
Silence hung heavily in the air. Though no words were spoken, both minds were swimming with thoughts. Breaking the silence, Kirk softly said, "Look Spock, this isn't easy to do period. You're dealing with something that's both extremely strong and extremely fragile – a woman's love. While I'm certain you'll be able to handle the situation well, I can't tell you exactly what to say. In situations like this, your best bet is to just speak what's on your mind and in your heart."
Sighing, Spock rose and headed towards the door. Stopping before it, he turned around and looked at Kirk, who simply smiled and said, "It'll be alright. If Uhura's feelings for you are as strong as I think they are, I'm sure you'll be okay. Just be honest with her…minus the part about us of course. Suffice to say, that'll be an instant death to any kind of friendship with her."
The Vulcan gave Kirk a nod and left the room. Kirk put his head in his hands and sighed heavily. As much as he wanted to mean what he said about everything being okay, his gut told him he was dead wrong.
Uhura's friend finally left to her own chambers, leaving Uhura alone to await Spock eagerly. She hoped she hadn't come on too strong by greeting him with a kiss. She knew the Vulcan was particularly sensitive about emotional outbursts when they weren't in private, and regardless of the chaos of the entire ship's crew returning for duty, there had to have been a few witnesses of her little scene.
But she didn't care. Even though she enjoyed the time she spent with her family and old friends, she had missed him greatly during her time off. Remembering the feel of his warm lips against hers made her shiver with excitement. As she recalled their kiss though, she remembered feeling something different than she had before the shore leave. It was more than just the simple surprise of her sudden kiss; somehow, she could sense that something dramatic had occurred during the shore leave with just that kiss.
This feeling unnerved her. Why did he seem different? What could have possibly happened in two weeks to completely change someone like Spock? Sure, Spock had been emotionally compromised after the loss of Vulcan and his mother, but two months had passed since then. Loss is never something that is recovered from quickly, but surely Spock couldn't have had a relapse? What if something happened at the new Vulcan colony? What if he met someone else…
Just as she wished she could have some answers to her questions, she heard a knock at her door. Her heart stopped, but just for a moment. Was it Spock? She hurried to the door and opened it. Sure enough, there stood Spock before her, stiff and formal as usual. Unable to contain herself, she hugged him tightly. He tentatively put his arms around her, most likely thrown off again by her sudden reaction to seeing him.
She pulled back and smiled excitedly. "Come on in! I've been waiting for you!" She stepped back enough to allow Spock room to enter. When the door closed behind him, he relaxed his arms and allowed his shoulders to lower some. His rigidness, however, did not diminish as much as it usually did when he entered her room. Uhura decided not to focus on this and just revel in his presence.
"It's good to see you," Uhura said, sitting on the bed and patting a spot next to her. She wanted Spock to be as close to her as possible. Spock took Uhura's invitation and sat down next to her on the bed. Uhura laid her head on his shoulder and placed a hand on his thigh. Her hand ran softly up and down his pants leg, a soothing maneuver she tended to use when they sat like this. Though he didn't show it, this simple act of stroking his leg had the opposite effect. The knot of nerves that lay heavy in the pit of Spock's stomach grew tighter.
For several minutes they sat like this. Before long, Uhura started to sense that something different in Spock again. By now, he would have rested his head on top of hers, but his head remained upright and staring down at his feet. She stopped stroking his leg and sat up straight.
"Okay Spock, what's wrong?" She refused to be the only one being affectionate. This wasn't what she was expecting or looking forward to when she came back from leave. Spock's head remained facing forward, denying her a view of his face. She put a hand on the side of his face and forced it to face her. Finally, they made eye contact with each other. As she looking deep into his dark eyes, she saw the same kind of sadness she saw when Vulcan was destroyed. Her face slacked in concern, she repeated, "What's wrong?"
Spock touched the hand that she held so tenderly against his face and closed his eyes. A hurt unlike any he had ever felt, not even when his mother died, caused his heart to ache. He couldn't bear looking into Uhura's soulful eyes. Guilt, sadness, and fear viciously attacked him all at once. How could he tell her? She was the only one who was there to comfort him when he lost everything. She was the one who held him close, stroked his hair, and whispered words of assurance. No one else even bothered to help him cope with the immense pain he felt, and here he was, struggling to find the words and the courage to convey what he felt.
"Please Spock," Uhura insisted. "If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you." She placed another hand on his face and pulled him close for another kiss. The tenderness of her kiss only intensified the pain Spock felt. He carefully grabbed her wrists and pulled her away. He opened his eyes and looked at her, some of the pain he felt beginning to show on her face as well.
Finally finding it in him to bare his soul, he took a deep breath. "Nyota, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me up until this point in time. You were a great comfort to me when I lost my mother and my home. However, I regretfully must request that…" he paused, his confidence beginning to fade, "…that we keep our relationship at solely a professional level."
"A professional level?" she said shakily. "What do you mean a profess…" Tears began to well at the corners of Uhura's eyes as the realization of Spock's words sunk in. She looked at Spock in disbelief. No, it couldn't be true. She had thought that they had something special, something that could surpass the great differences in their cultures and their duty to the ship. "Spock…" she said, her voice breaking as he held back a sob.
Painfully, Spock said, "Nyota, do not misunderstand my request. I still care greatly about you. That has not and will not ever change. I cannot in good conscience, however, continue a romantic relationship with you. I fear that my more recent attachment to you may be directly linked to my trauma, and I do not feel that a romantic relationship based solely on that is fair to you. I also have my obligation to my duties and my captain to think about, and any distractions from that could put me in another situation where I am emotionally compromised." He looked at Uhura, pained by the tears that streamed from her eyes.
Uhura kept herself composed despite her tears. "I…I understand. It'd be wrong of me to assume we could just become some happy couple so soon after you lost so much. Besides, we're going into space for five years straight. We don't know why kind of trouble we might run in to, and I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you because of me." She wiped her eyes, struggling to hold herself together long enough to share her feelings. "I have to say though, if I had known that I was going to be dumped when I got back from leave, I wouldn't have bought this."
She reached into her bag, which lay at the foot of her bed, and pulled out a small white box. She handed it to Spock, but he politely refused. "I cannot accept your gift Nyota. It would not be right." Determined, she forced it into Spock's hands and closed them around it.
"Please," she begged. "Open it, if not as my boyfriend, then as my friend."
Hearing Uhura call him 'friend' relieved Spock greatly. He slowly removed the top off of the box. Inside was a strange golden contraption with an old fashioned crank on the side of it. Spock carefully lifted the knick knack out of the soft tissue surrounding it and examined it.
Aware that such things did not exist in Vulcan culture, Uhura explained what the knick knack was. "It's a music box. You, uh, you turn the crank to make it play." Placing one hand over his and another on the crank, she slowly turned the crank. When she could turn it no longer, she removed her hands and let it play.
Familiar notes rang in the air as the tiny contraption played its song. Memories of his mother, singing a song by his bed when he had trouble sleeping, played before his eyes. He remembered the soft feel of her hand stroke his hair as she softly sung the same song he heard to him. As unusual as it was to hear his mother sing to him, it had the strangest way of soothing him to a point where sleep came easily. For a while, he thought he could feel his mother's hand stroking his hair as he thought of her. When he focused on the feeling, he realized that the hand belonged to Uhura. Against his will, tears fell freely from his eyes.
"I remembered you told me that your mom sang this song when you couldn't sleep," she said, still stroking his hair. "I happened to find a music box that played it in an antique store." She hesitated. "Well, that's not entirely true…I actually searched all over the place trying to find one that played that specific song. It was kinda hard, and I actually had to leave Africa early to hunt it down, but somehow I pulled it off." More tears streamed down her brown cheeks, rewetting the trails that had dried. Seeing the tears fall from Spock's beautiful dark eyes, she took the music box and it's container from Spock's hands and put them aside. She then pulled Spock into her arms and cried openly.
Spock allowed the tears to fall, but clutched tightly onto his control to prevent an entire break down. Stroking his hair, Uhura whispered, "I'll always love you, Spock."
These words proved to be the trigger to get Spock to completely let go. Though he knew the voice was Uhura's, somehow he heard his mother's voice say it. Spock sobbed, holding Uhura tighter. The two cried until all their pain poured out of their eyes. When Spock finally left the room, instead of feeling liberated, having cried two months worth of pain and anguish, he felt as if he had lost everything all over again.