Gir: We're back, Mr. Bunny Man!
Guru: Indeed we are. The journey was harrowing. But we have returned.
Gir: I'm getting milkshakes!
Guru: Woo! I love milkshakes.
Gir: My milkshakes bring all the boys to...
Guru: Shhhh! Stop right there. Don't turn this into a songfic.
Gir: Wha?
Guru: Nevermind. On with the fic!
Stranger than Fanfiction: Chapter 2, The Search for Sanity
It's been a week now since we last joined our "hero." And he has found himself right back where we left him, in Nerv's loony bin. The good doctor's office is decorated properly now with various informative and "motivational" posters. The boxes are gone. And the books are on the shelves. Though, oddly, the guitar case is still sticking out of the cabinet. Our dear Doctor Bob must get a lot of mileage out of the instrument.
"So how has school been, Shinji?" the pale doctor asks, starting with something easy for Shinji…relatively speaking. Shinji really doesn't want to talk about school.
"It's…well…you know those boys that got in the Eva with me yesterday?"
"The ones that Katsuragi chewed out?" Shinji nods. "What about them?"
"Well, Suzahara, the big one, his little sister…got hurt when I first got in the Eva," Shinji admitted.
"Hmm, and how do you feel about that?"
"I…don't know. I'm…sad I guess," Shinji looks away from the doctor's scrutiny, clearly more than a little uncomfortable. "But…Suzahara was…. He…he hit me, when he found out that I was the pilot." To be honest, Toji didn't hit Shinji that hard. And if he were honest with us, he'd say that he felt guilty about the whole thing.
"Do you think you deserved it?"
"I…yes. I think I deserved it."
"It's understandable to feel guilty, Shinji. But you have to understand that you didn't have any control over what happened to that girl."
"I know that," Shinji lies.
"But you don't feel that way," the shrink caught him.
"…yeah," Shinji admits. "Am I that easy to read?" he thinks to himself. Really, he's not that easy to read. Bob just has a lot of experience with this…and a degree or two. And I have the advantage of reading his thoughts. Shinji flinches. Yes Shinji, even those thoughts.
"So what about at the battle?" the good doctor asks. Ahh yes, the human toe jam incident.
"What about it?"
"Well, they were in the Entry Plug with you." Shinji nods. "How did you feel about that?"
"I was afraid." Fear is an interesting feeling, from an academic perspective. The fight or flight response activates and floods your body with adrenaline, preparing you for the exertion that the situation is calling for. In this case, Shinji decided on the fight response.
"So you attacked." It's not a question.
"Yeah.
"Even though the Captain told you to retreat."
"Yes. I…. I didn't even hear her. I just…." It'd be nice if he said, "I went berserk and slaughtered the enemy." The image of him screaming out "Waaaaaaaghhh" and slaughtering enemies is far to alluring. But that's another Shinji. Too bad he can't wear war paint in the Entry Plug. Le sigh.
"What was it like?"
"Hmm?"
"Attacking like that." The good doctor wants to say "What was it like going ape-shit on a Messenger of fucking God?"
"Numb. I was numb all over."
"That's a common reaction to violent situations like that. We turn numb to protect ourselves. What about afterwards?"
"I…still felt numb…for a long time, like everything was moving in slow motion."
"Tension will do that. Was it like that the first time you piloted?"
"I…don't remember that much about the first time."
"What do you remember?"
"It's all a blank after I got to the surface." That tends to happen when you get a very metaphorical spike shoved through your equally metaphorical eye.
"Why don't you start at the beginning, with the Commander?"
"Well…" Shinji hesitates. He really doesn't want to talk about seeing his father again or the battle that took place not five minutes later. But I do want to talk about it, whether he's going to or not. I didn't really get a chance, last time. And I don't want to miss this one. So whether he's going to or not, I'm going to let you all in on what happened that fateful day, including Shinji's private thoughts about how utterly kissable that bluette's lips were. "I guess I can talk about it." Good boy, Shinji. Good boy. Ok, it's flashback time. Cue the wavy special effects.
"Correct," was the first word that Ikari Gendo spoke to his son in three years' time. Not so bad, when you think about it. But what did he follow them with? "Been awhile." Really? The man could have at least put on a show of caring for his son. Maybe Shinji wouldn't have reacted so badly.
"How did you feel when you saw him again?" the good doctor asked.
"Mad. I was mad," Shinji mumbled. "I just…." Shinji just wanted to tell the man to fuck off. But at the moment, he was too scared and too confused. "I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to ask him why he couldn't talk to me in 3 years. But…I couldn't. He wanted me to…."
"Pilot the Eva," Dr. Kreedo finished for Shinji.
"Yeah." Shinji's eyes were on the floor.
"And you refused?"
"Of course! Why would I do him any favors? He…."
"What did he do Shinji?"
"He left me with my uncle." Now, it wasn't that bad at his uncle's place. But the elder Ikari sibling didn't exactly like Shinji's father. He blamed Gendo for Yui's "death." And that resentment extended to Shinji. Now, he was never overtly cruel. He never even spoke so much as an unkind word to the boy. But there was no love. They were roommates, not family. And Shinji can't help but wonder to himself why I put death in quotes. All in good time, m'boy.
"So why did you pilot?" the good doctor asks.
"I…. They were going to send…this girl…." Shinji hesitates.
"You mean Rei." Shinji nods in response. "She really wasn't in any shape to fight. You did a brave thing, going out there for her." She really wasn't, bandaged up from head to toe, literally. She'd been involved in an accident with Unit 00 a few weeks before. If she hadn't, then Shinji might not have been summoned to Tokyo 3. The letter from our dear Commander Ikari left out that little detail…amongst many, many others. But that's for later. Dr. Bob here is also leaving some things out. The doctor is leaving out that Rei is also a patient of his. "You saved her. You saved us all." He's also leaving out that she spends her sessions with him just listening to him talk, trying to get her to say something.
"I…. It wasn't anything special."
"You underestimate yourself, Shinji." Yes he does. He's downright pathological. Boy should get therapy.
"I…just couldn't watch her get into that thing. She was struggling so much. …in so much pain." Well, Rei probably didn't feel much. She was on a lot of Vicodin.
"And then the Angel hit."
"Yes. And she…fell."
"And you ran to protect her."
"I…I didn't think." Not about protecting her, anyway. At least he wasn't thinking that while he had her in his arms. But I guess finding out that the girl of your dreams…delusions is bleeding all over your pants would kill any first impressions. "I was shocked…that they were going to throw her out there like that."
"Are you worried about her?"
"Yes!"
"Well, I have her contact info. You can go check up on her in the hospital if that will make you feel better."
"I don't," Shinji's phone interrupts the two. A quick check of the number shows that it's not one of the preprogrammed numbers. The doctor jots something down as Shinji goes to put his phone away. "I…I'll let it go to voicemail."
"No, answer it. We're out of time anyway. Here," Bob hands Shinji a piece of paper. "This is Ayanami's contact info, including her room number in the hospital. But she's checking out tomorrow." Shinji takes the paper as he stands up. "You can go see her." Shinj puts the paper in his briefcase as he moves toward the door.
"Ahh, until…next time, Doctor."
"The call's already gone to voicemail. You had better call them back. Goodbye Shinji. Same time next week."
Once in the Spartan hallways, Shinji dials the last incoming number.
"Uhh, hello?" He vaguely recognizes the voice as one of the boys from yesterday.
"Suzahara-san?" Shinji asks for confirmation.
"Ikari?" the voice on the phone echoes.
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Uhh, you called."
"Yeah, I did," Toji was fidgeting on the other end. Shinji can't see it. But I know. "Listen, I wanted…to apologize."
"What?"
"I shouldn't have hit ya like that. So…I don't know. I wanna make it up to ya." Now Shinji is nervous. Poor boy. He doesn't like confrontation, even the memory of it.
"Listen…can we talk about this some other time. I have to get going," Shinji admits.
"Ok, but we're not done with this, 'kay? Where ya gotta go that's so important, anyway?"
"Well, I have to go see a professor…." Shinji admits
"What about?"
"A…," Shinji has to think of a reasonable answer. Really, try explaining that you're hearing a voice and that the voice is saying that you're going to cause the end of the world. Try it. See what people say. "a very serious matter. It has to do with the Eva." Shinji doesn't know that he's lying there. But I'll get to that eventually.
"Alright, I'll see ya at school?"
"Yeah."
In the middle of the afternoon, our hero-slash-chew-toy finds himself sitting in on a college literature course. The subject of the day is a highly pretentious and obtuse "masterpiece" of Japanese literature that the students, teacher, and Shinji would rather not have to deal with. The class is almost over and the professor is just wrapping up.
"And that's where babies come from...for robots." She's gone a little off topic. Thankfully, the bell rings before anybody can ask why they were talking about baby robots. "Alright everyone, remember that your next essay is due this coming Monday." They won't. "And keep in mind that mid-terms will be a week from today." They won't remember that, either.
Shinji gathers himself up as the classroom empties. It's too warm in the lecture hall, even with the air conditioning. And Shinji's built up a modest beading of sweat, despite his stature. Our dear professor's youthful vigor for her chosen area of study may be responsible for Shinji's nervousness. Well, it's either that or the way her thin dress shirt is clinging to the subtle curve of her breast.
"Stop that. I do not fantasize about every woman I see," the horny teenage boy thinks as he joins the line of students that remained to ask the professor for her measurements and/or what the hell she was talking about during class. As the students asked their questions, Shinji takes a second look at the professor. She looks to be about in her early thirties, just a few years older than Misato. Her medium brown hair is cut in a page-boy style, much like the one Rei wears. The resemblance stops there, though. Rei is far more slender than the older woman and has a rounder face. And the professor has more Japanese features than the exotic young bluette.
The professor finally looks at Shinji when he reaches the front of the line. "You're a little young to be a university student." If only she knew...
"Well, I'm not. My name is Ikari Shinji. I emailed you about," Shinji struggles for a moment to try and describe his 'problem, "a 'problem' I've been having."
The professor looks confused for a moment. "Hmm, what sort of problem?" The professor gets a lot of emails. And she doesn't remember this particular one.
"Well, I've been hearing a voice narrating my life."
The professor looks thoughtful for a second before recognition alights in her eyes. "Oh!" she exclaims, tapping her palms together. "I remember now. I thought that was a prank."
"Honestly, I would too. But ever since I went to Tokyo 3, I've been hearing this voice. And it doesn't go away...for long." the boy looks away at that.
"So you work at Nerv?" Shinji nods in response. "Have you talked a psychiatrist about this?"
Shinji nods again. "He sent me to you. He thought that an expert in storytelling could help explain some of what I've been hearing from the voice."
"While that sounds very interesting, I don't think I can help you. This isn't some poorly written fanfiction about giant robots and giant monstrosities attacking for no good reason. I suggest that you go back to your therapist and keep taking your medicine." She turns to leave. Shinji follows her.
"But, I might die," he says.
"We all might die, kiddo, at any time. It's all a matter of chance."
"But it's not like that. The voice said 'But little does he know that this first step would lead him and the rest of the world to their ultimate demise.'"
The professor stops at that, turning to face our favorite mecha pilot. "The voice said that?" Shinji nods in response. "He used the exact words, 'little does he know?'" Another nod. "Hmm. That sounds familiar. I think I remember reading about something like this before in an autobiography of one Karen Eiffel. She said that the reason she quit writing was because she met one of her characters, one she was about to kill in her book. He said that he'd been hearing her voice narrating his life. The phrase 'little did he know' was mentioned a fair bit. And then Alan Moore claimed to have met John Constantine once. This isn't exactly unprecedented."
"So...you don't think I'm crazy?" Shinji asks tentatively.
The professor holds up her hand to stop him. "Well, we don't know that for sure. But I think I can come up with a way to find out what you don't know." She starts scribbling on the corner of a notepad. "Here," she says as she rips off the corner, "this is my messenger info. Write down yours here." She hands him the notepad and a pen. "I'll contact you once I've finished getting the questions ready."
"Oh, okay," he starts scribbling his user name on the pad. "Wait, find out what I don't know?" he asks as he hands the pad back.
"Well, you see, 'little does he know' means that there's something 'he' doesn't know. It means there's something you don't know."
"I know that. That's why I'm here. But how are we supposed to find out what I don't know."
"Well for that, we just have to find out what you do know and go from there."
"Oh, okay. But why can't you ask the questions now?"
"Well, there are a lot of questions that need to be asked, many of which I don't remember off the top of my head. So I'll message you when I get a list together."
"Okay."
"Well, I have to get home and work on this stack of papers from my grad students here," she says while pulling said stack of papers into her over sized professor purse. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Ikari-kun." She says with a bow.
Shinji bows in return. "Ah, thank you professor, for helping me."
"We'll see how well we do when I get through the questions, Ikari-san. Goodbye." With that, she walks out of the classroom, leaving Shinji behind in the deserted hall. Shinji lets out a relieved sigh, now that he is alone.
"She's going to try and help me," are his last thoughts as he walks quietly back to the train station to go home.
Author's notes: A special thanks to my betas Caphriel, Kyadytim, and Genericrandom, especially since they did so against their wills.
Coming up next time, the all important conversation about what kind of story Shinji is in. Alright, cue "Fly Me to the Moon."