Ch 18: Everything in Its Place

Only a day remained before the crew would arrive at the distant planet Starfleet assigned the Enterprise to investigate for their first mission. Kirk sat in his room, holding the data pad Spock had left days ago in his hands. He read and reread the poem Spock had written, hoping he could find some solace in their words. Sadly, the disconnected words meant little to him now; he'd much rather hear such tender words of love straight from the Vulcan's mouth.

Far too much had happened since they left the Earth, and it all made Kirk doubt once again whether what he and Spock had, or were attempting to have, was worth all the trouble. As glad as he was that McCoy and he had gotten back on friendly terms, he began wondering if McCoy was really the better choice of the two. There would be nothing to hide from McCoy, and there'd be no regret or guilt in their relationship either. McCoy had not only been free since the day they met, it was likely that the doctor had also loved him since then. Kirk wanted to deny it and blame it on the doctor's divorce, but he knew it wasn't so simple.

Try as hard as he did, he just couldn't think of the doctor as more than just a good friend. More than that, he was like a brother to him. The thought of being romantic with McCoy didn't sit well in his stomach and any pursuit of something more would only drive a wedge between them. He thought about what he could say to him to convey this without making him feel like he wasn't good enough, but nothing sounded right in his mind.

As if that weren't a large enough pill to swallow, he had Uhura to think about. He had already felt guilty enough for causing Spock to break up with her, but now he had the kiss she gave him to worry about too. It didn't matter that he didn't initiate it, what mattered was that he had set the whole thing up by inviting her into his room. If he had just let well enough alone, he wouldn't even be in this situation. He had spent so much time focusing on Spock's feelings for Uhura that he didn't even stop and think about his own.

There was no denying she was a remarkable woman, the epitome of beauty and brains. Truth be told, if he hadn't fallen in love with Spock, he would have looked for the opportunity to make Uhura his. She was the only person he could seriously consider being serious with besides Spock, and it bothered him. He thought to himself, Is this the extent of my love? Only able to stay true if there's no temptation? Spock deserves better than that. Spock deserves better than me.

Thinking was only making him feel worse. Rising from his chair and placing the data pad back on the desk behind him, Kirk left his room and made his way to the mess hall. In situations like this, there was only one thing that could bring him any comfort, and he had an empty stomach just waiting to be filled with blueberries and ice cream.

The room was deadly quiet, save the slow breathing of the Vulcan that sat in the middle of it. Beads of sweat clung to his forehead as he struggled to bury his emotions deep. It was madding how difficult it was becoming to push his emotions down. Nothing he tried seemed to work anymore. Things were really starting to look bleak. Vulcans typically undertook kolinahr, the purge of all emotion, when they reached maturity, but Spock managed to avoid this due to his entrance into Starfleet. If he could not control his emotions on his own, he would have to go to the New Vulcan colony and go through the ceremony. If he did that, then everything he had come to feel about Kirk would be gone. Kolinahr was by and far the last reason he wanted to pay another visit to the Vulcan colony, but if things continued to go as they were, there'd be no avoiding it.

A knock at the door broke his concentration. He tried to submerge his irritation in vain. He stood up and opened the door, not caring who it was in his current mood. Standing behind the door when he opened it was the worst face he could see in his state.

"Uhura," he growled. She winced at the sound of his voice, but held her ground. "Spock, can we talk?" Spock moved to close the door, but she placed her hands on either side of the door. "Please?"

He glared at her, but moved out of her way to allow her entrance into her room. She walked in, wringing her hands nervously. She didn't expect Spock to look so angry when she arrived, but she'd witnessed firsthand that even Vulcans have their limits. Silence hung heavily in the air, the tension so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut through it. She turned around and was startled by how close Spock was to her. His eyes were filled with multiple emotions, none of them positive. She bit her lip, knowing the trouble Spock was having was all her fault, but also knew there was little she could do to change it.

"I wanted to apologize to you for my outburst," she began. "I really shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You have every right to love whoever it is you please, and I have no right to lash out at you, even if I don't agree with your choice." She looked at Spock, but he stared at her blankly, his eyes saying all she needed to hear. "If I could take what I did and said back, I would, but…"

"If you came here to beg for my friendship, you are wasting your time," Spock replied coldly. "As a Vulcan, I have no need for friends, especially those who take it upon themselves to go out of their way to do me harm." He walked back to the door and held it open for her. Uhura fought back tears, knowing she couldn't let things be this way.

"You can't tell me you've never been driven to act impulsively!" she cried. "You can't tell me that nothing has pushed you over the edge of your control, and made you act despicably! I couldn't deal with the fact that you loved Kirk more than me, okay? I still can't! But I don't want to lose you over it, you mean too much to me!"

Her words seemed to finally reach Spock, quelling some of the dark rage he barely kept inside. He let the door close and walked back up to her. He stood staring at her, judging the sincerity of her words, then began to speak. "I can forgive your rash actions. I can forgive you losing control of your emotions. What I cannot forgive, is that you tried to use Jim to hurt me. I do not care what your reasons were, and I do not care whether you were in the right to do what you did. You were the last person alive I ever thought would do what you did to me…"

He didn't realize it, but tears fell freely from his eyes. His voice caught in his throat, the pain blocking his ability to speak. He bowed his head, closed his eyes, and clenched his fists in shame for allowing himself to show such an immense amount of emotion. Warm, thin arms wrapped themselves around him and held him close. Memories of his mother's comforting embrace broke down the last of his already flimsy control. He sobbed loudly, unable to take it anymore. Everything was happening too much, too fast. He had nothing left in him to hold on to.

Uhura didn't bother trying to hold herself together. The two cried in the middle of the room together, their legs giving way and bringing them down to the floor. They let all their pain out; their sobs interrupted only by the occasional "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" from Uhura. This went on for ten minutes before they both finally recollected themselves.

Spock spoke in his usual calm tone, "I cannot forget so quickly what you have done, and I will not pretend that all is well for your sake. In time, I am sure I can come to look past your actions. But it would be unwise for you to assume or even to hope that time will come quickly." He paused and looked at Uhura, who wore a sad look on her face. She nodded, and said, "I understand. I hope I can regain your trust."

Uhura gave Spock a kiss on his forehead, then moved toward the door. Before she left, she said, "I wish the best of luck to you and Kirk. I just hope you know what you're doing." When the door closed, Spock called out to the silence, "I do."

Kirk scrapped the now empty plate for the last bit of crumbs from his blueberry cobbler. The sweet nostalgic taste of the cobbler couldn't lift his spirits, not even after four helpings of it. He plopped the plate on the small stack beside him and put his head on the table. He secretly wished he'd slip into a diabetic coma so that he could escape the misery that was his life, but knew that'd help about as much as his trip to the bar in Iowa had.

He felt a finger tap his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his skin. He spun around and came face to face with McCoy, who had returned to the mess hall to make a second attempt at having dinner. He flew out of his chair, knocking it over loudly. Fortunately, the mess hall was empty save the two of them, so there was no one around to stare at him like he was a weirdo.

McCoy pursed his lips. "I guess I can't blame you for reacting like that after what happened in sick bay." Kirk would've felt bad about the sad, lonely look McCoy gave him, only he was too busy putting distance between them. "Look, McCoy, I know you've got feelings for me and all, but I – I – I just don't feel the same way!" Kirk stuttered. "Don't get me wrong, you're a great guy, you really are! B-but I think you're just feeling really lonely right now, you know, with your divorce and leaving all your friends and family in Georgia behind for five years and everything! But seriously, I'm no good for you! I'd drive you to drink, more than you already do!"

McCoy rolled his eyes and shouted in his Southern drawl, "Aw, for Pete's sake, would ya shaddup already?!?" That shut Kirk up. Kirk knew that whenever McCoy got really angry, his Southern accent flared up, and at that moment, he didn't dare say another word. Finally getting an opportunity to speak, McCoy said, "Look, I came to tell ya that I'm sorry, alright? It wasn't right for me to snap at you for your weird taste in men and I shouldn't have tried to make you kiss me."

Kirk had finally stopped looking frantic and gave McCoy a look of relief. McCoy took this as a good sign and continued. "I'll admit I am a little…off…because of the divorce. But I've cared about you for a long time, and it bugs me that I'm losing to that green-blooded hobgoblin. I came first dammit, and if I knew I stood half a chance with you, I would have taken it long before he showed up!"

He sighed heavily. "Still, I don't want ya feeling like you can't even be in the same room with me without things getting all awkward. Hell, even if I gotta settle for just being your friend, I still want you around, ya know? As squirrely as you are, you're damn good company and you make me forget just how miserable I am. So whaddaya say, huh? Can we go back to being friends?"

McCoy stood with his arms open, offering a once in a lifetime opportunity to be hugged. Kirk couldn't help but smile as he bridged the gap between them and gave him an enthusiastic hug. The two men laughed, the heavy burdens of awkwardness and embarrassment now completely off their shoulders. They pulled apart and looked at each other, both reveling in the big grin the other wore. Taking a chance, McCoy dared to ask, "Would it be too much to ask for just one, small kiss?"

Kirk couldn't resist that darling look on McCoy's face. He smirked, and said, "Oh, alright. But only on the cheek!" He leaned in and was about to kiss McCoy's cheek, when McCoy quickly turned his head. Their lips met only for a moment, but it was long enough for McCoy. The grin on his face now twice as big, his cheeks turned rosy while Kirk's face began to glow red. McCoy ran out of the mess hall, laughing hysterically. Kirk followed in pursuit, yelling "You cheater!!!" as he ran.

Spock sat on the edge of his bed, tears slowly rolling down his smooth pale face. Kirk was nowhere to be found. He had checked his quarters, but didn't find him there. He wasn't on the bridge either. They hadn't been together since they left Earth, and their separation was hitting him hard. He had hoped that they could at least be able to engage in some friendly chess matches, but with his fervent meditations, he had little time to leave his room. Strangely enough, Kirk didn't bother seeking him out either. Perhaps Uhura's threats of stealing Kirk away from me were more than idle threats, he thought. His heart felt as though it were being shredded into pieces, pieces which sunk to the pit of his stomach. Was this what human misery was like? It was indeed a powerful emotion, one he wished he couldn't feel at all. After failing to negate his emotions for two days straight, he decided to simply give up on his attempts at meditating and instead allowed the human side of him to take over.

The music box Uhura had given him sat lightly in his hands, playing its little song over and over. As soon as the song ended, he'd crank it up again and let it play. He couldn't tell if the song eased his heart or worsened the pain, but it was all he had right now. The last little bit of his friendship with Uhura and the love of his mother sat in those pale, slender hands of his, and he didn't dare let go of it. Not now.

He wasn't used to singing and his voice was harsh and scratchy from all the crying he had done, but still, he sang the song as best he could. "Goodnight, my angel / Time to close your eyes / And save these questions for another day / I think I know what you've been asking me / I think you know what I've been trying to say / I promised I would never leave you / And you should always know…" He felt his throat close up before he could finish the words.

To his surprise a familiar voice sang the end of the stanza for him. "Wherever you may go / No matter where you are / I never will be far away…"

He raised his head and saw Kirk standing in his doorway, a sweet smile on his lips. "Billy Joel, a musical genius of the 20th century. That's one of his best songs, at least in my opinion." He walked up to Spock, the smile somehow giving him strength he had lost.

"Jim," he croaked. Kirk walked up to the Vulcan's bed and sat next to him. He pointed at the music box in his hands. "That's a rather nice music box you have. I don't remember seeing it in your room though…did you get it recently?" Spock nodded. "It was a gift from Uhura."

"Ah," Kirk said. He didn't really want to push the issue, but he was genuinely curious. "Is that her favorite song or something?" Spock stared down at the music box and said quietly, "My mother sung this song to me when I had trouble sleeping as a child. During shore leave, Uhura searched all over to find a music box that played this song…"

Well, this is going well… Kirk thought bitterly to himself. "It's a beautiful song. A good song to show just how much you love someone."

The two sat in silence, the events of the last two days whirling in their head. So much needed to be said, and yet both were too scared to say a word.

Spock broke the silence. "Jim…I'm afraid."

Kirk gave Spock a strange look. "Afraid of what?"

In a low voice, Spock replied, "Myself. I am losing control, Jim. I cannot control my emotions the way I used to anymore. I spend more and more time meditating, and I find myself gaining less and less control from it. There is something strange, something dark deep inside of me; I have felt it stir in me many times, mostly when I was a young boy. I feel it stirring more and more lately, like it is anxious to be set free, like it is refusing to be contained any longer. I am afraid of what I might do if I lose all control of myself…" He looked at Kirk, fear in his eyes. "I could wind up hurting you."

Kirk gulped. He had experienced some of Spock's uncontrolled strength – it was a force to be reckoned with and a frightful sight to see. The last thing he wanted to do was to be on the receiving end of that strength ever again, especially if it was every fully unleashed. "Is there another way to combat this dark force that's nullifying your mediation?"

Spock closed his eyes and turned away. "Only one. It is called kolinahr, a purge of emotions that allows a Vulcan to completely control all of their emotions permanently. It is a procedure that Vulcans typically undergo once they reach adulthood, but I was able to avoid the ceremony due to my enrollment into Starfleet. It is because I did not undergo kolinahr that I reacted so violently when you provoked me on the bridge. It is also the reason I was so susceptible to Uhura's advances after Vulcan was destroyed. And ultimately, it is what allowed me to fall in love with you." Spock grasped Kirk's hands with his own, his body heat soaking in to Kirk's skin. "My emotions have caused me to feel a great deal of pain and anger, but it has allowed me to experience the greatest thing ever – your love. It makes me realize just how deeply I loved my mother too. I do not want to give that up, but if I am to truly protect you and continue my role as Science Officer on the Enterprise, I will have to give up every single emotion left inside of me."

"No!" Kirk grabbed Spock's shoulders and shook him. "You can't just do a wipe on your emotions! There has to be some other way, some way where you can overcome that dark side of you and hold on to your emotions! You're not a computer with a virus, Spock! You're a living person! Humans have managed to overcome their darker side for decades! You're half-human! You can fight it!"

Fresh tears trickled down Spock's cheeks. "Jim," his voice broke as he tried to speak, "I don't think I can…"

Kirk pulled Spock close and held him in his arms. Spock was surprised to find the tears stopped flowing the moment Kirk wrapped his arms around him. Kirk whispered in Spock's ear, "You can do it Spock. I know you can. I'm here to help you. I won't ever leave your side."

It was so strange how words so simple seemed to empower him. Could this have been why his control had slipped so drastically? Because Kirk wasn't there by his side to reassure him when he needed him? How was it that this man, this simple human, was able to fill him with such confidence? Why did he suddenly feel as though he could face anything?

Kirk pulled Spock away from him so that he could wipe the tear-stained cheeks of his dearest love. "Come on Spock, Vulcans aren't supposed to cry like this." Spock struggled to find the words to say, but Kirk said them for him. "I know it's been pretty hard these last few days. We've both got our doubts and it seems like there's been plenty of things that have tried to pull us apart lately." He took Spock's chin in his hands and gave that dazzling, sincere smile of his. "But none of that matters. Whatever life throws at us, at the end of the day, we have each other to hold on to, and that's all we need to get through anything."

The strength Spock had gained only intensified with Kirk's profound words. He knew that these weren't hollow words spoken solely to lift his spirits. He could sense that they were words that came straight from his heart that he meant with all of his being. He tried to think logically about the situation, but found that he could no longer think; he could only feel. And he felt, for the first time in his life, happiness. Happiness at finally knowing love, happiness that he was no longer alone, and happiness that he had found someone who not only understood him, but accepted him as he was.

It suddenly became very clear to him what it was his mother had lived her life for: She had lived solely to make her son happy. It didn't matter what became of her, so long as he was safe and happy, she had everything she needed. He felt something in him lift and disappear. His brow furrowed, confused at this feeling. He somehow felt lighter, less burdened. Then it occurred to him what he was feeling. The guilt and regret he felt from the loss of his mother had lifted from him. He no longer felt any of the pain of losing her – he now only felt the warm feeling of her love. He felt it in his heart and all around him. His eyes filled with tears again, and Kirk embraced him once more. Without saying a word to him, he knew exactly what Spock felt and what he needed. He stroked Spock's hair, saying nothing at first. Spock sobbed as he clutched on to Kirk tightly. His sobs were the only thing that filled the air, until he heard Kirk sing.

"Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to sleep / And still so many things I want to say / Remember all the songs you sang for me / When we went sailing on an emerald bay / And like a boat out on the ocean / I'm rocking you to sleep …" Spock chimed in amidst his tears. "The water's dark and deep / Inside this ancient heart / You'll always be a part of me…"

The two took a moment to look at each other. Tears still clung to Spock's eyelashes, which Kirk wiped away with his hands. He smiled a little smile and said quietly, "Mind if I spend the night in your bunk?" Spock smiled a little smile in return and replied, "I could use the company."

They rose to their feet and removed their clothing. Once they were down to their Starfleet underwear, Spock turned the light in the room off and they crawled underneath the sheets. Kirk had his back toward the wall while Spock snuggled against his chest, facing the door. Kirk wiggled an arm from under the covers and resumed the lullaby, stroking Spock's hair as he sang softly. "Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to dream / And dream how wonderful your life will be / Someday your child may cry / And if you sing this lullaby / Then in your heart / There will always be a part of me…"

Kirk paused, then grinned when he heard the Vulcan snoring softly. Apparently he was wiped out from the emotional roller coaster he had gone on over the last few days. He couldn't blame him. All these emotions were not only new, but they were overwhelming to experience so quickly and in such abundance. He held the sleeping Spock close to him and finished the song before falling asleep himself. Little did he know that as he sang the end of the song, Spock heard his mother's voice sing along with him.

"Someday we'll all be gone / But lullabies go on and on... / They never die / That's how you and I will be."