Well, I have returned. And I bring gifts of fanfiction! I'd like to thank Genericrandom, Caphriel, Kyadytim, and Reisnatcher for prereading for me.

...and GIR wants me to also thank "the giant burrito" too. Yes, GIR, can you see? I'm typing it out. "Thank you Mr. Giant Burrito."

Guh, now to fix all the formatting that screwed up. A kind thank you to Ms. Lone Wulffe for letting me know about that...and a hug if I catch her off guard. The hammer bruises are totally worth it.

Stranger than Fanfiction 3: Welcome to the Church of Nerv, Sex or Death?

School has always been a chore for our young Mr. Ikari. While he's never struggled with school work terribly much, he is still not the type of person to get immersed in droning lectures from an old fossil of a teacher that can only talk about Second Impact and his childhood stories. Thus it is with heavy eyelids that our favorite young man attempts to read through the study guide for one of the upcoming tests while sitting idly at his desk, more for a lack of anything better to do than some sense of obligation towards his education. And even then, he can't seem to find it within him to focus on that. He is not alone in his boredom. Only half the class is still awake, those who found alternate means of occupation. And yet again, one Ayanami Rei is staring out the window at nothing in particular. Perhaps it is fortunate that Mr. Ikari's messaging program is running.

A new message pops up from . Seems our dear professor finally has the list ready. "Morning, Ikari-kun." Shinji blinks himself awake when his eyes catch the new message.

"Good morning, sensei," he types back quietly.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you," she writes back quickly. Well to be fair, she is. But it's only second period nap time.

"Only second period nap time," Shinji echoes back.

"Lol," is Arisu's only response to the jibe at the other teacher's skills, even though she isn't laughing. "Well, if you have a minute, I have that list of questions ready for you."

"Okay, I have some time before lunch," Shinji answers.

"Alright, we'll start from the top. Are you the best at anything?" she asks.

"Uhm, no. I don't think so," he answers tentatively. Really, he is the best at something. But he doesn't know it yet. And it's a very small group to begin with.

"Really? Anything will work: best majong player, best detective, or best baker."

"No. I'm not any of those."

"Okay. Do you have any royal or noble blood, to the best of your knowledge?"

"No. I don't."

"Alright, do you ascribe to any out-dated or overly romantic code of honor: a knight's or samurai's code?"

"No. What does that have to do with a voice in my head?"

"I'm getting to it, Shinji-kun. I have to rule out a lot of potential stories here. I've already determined that you are not Akagi, Sherlock Holmes, Kazuma Azuma, Prince Hamlet, King Lear, or Don Quixote. Aren't you glad you that you don't have to joust with a windmill?"

Shinji stops to think about that one. He can't help but imagine himself in a homemade suit of armor made from pots and pans running at a windmill with a broom as his lance. It's a silly image. "Yes. I'm glad that I don't have to joust with a windmill."

"May I continue then?"

"Yes, you may."

"Alright. Have you recently reconnected with any lost or estranged family members?"

Shinji blinks and takes a gulp of air. "Yes. My," he hesitates to type in the last part, "father."

"I see. And what does your father do?"

Shinji knows he can't answer that. "I don't think I can answer that. It's supposed to be secret," he types in the box.

"I mean in the most general sense. For instance, is he a scientist or a military leader?"

"Yes. He is."

"Oh? Which one?"

"The leader."

"I see. And what does this organization do?" Shinji hesitates to answer again. "I mean in the most general sense. Is fighting kaiju sized monsters a major operational goal?"

"Yes," Shinji answers back with some great hesitation. This is getting a little too close to home for his comfort.

"Oh dear," Arisu answers worriedly. "That could be bad."

"How so?" Shinji is frightened now. And his anxiety is showing.

"I'll explain in a minute. Alright, did he contact you to operate an experimental weapons platform against said monsters?" Nail, meet hammer. Hammer, meet nail.

Shinji takes a good long look at the last question. There is no way that the professor could have known that. "Yes," Shinji answers with trembling fingers.

"Oh dear. Well it seems that we have our genre," Arisu types back quickly after a few seconds of thought.

Shinji's fingers move furiously as he types back, "Well, what is it?" He doesn't even care that the rest of the class has caught onto his conversation with the sole exception of the teacher. That man can't hear a damn thing over his own droning.

"Well Ikari-kun, it seems that you are the protagonist of a mecha series," she types back slowly.

Shinji couldn't help but wonder. "Is that bad?" he asked.

Arisu mulls it over for a second. "Well, it could be very good or very bad." Shinji just stares at her response. She carefully adds, "On the good end, piloting a mech could be the solution to all your problems including romantic troubles and tooth decay. On the bad end, it could end with everyone in the world except you and maybe a love interest dead and the world turned to ash. It's always a mixed bag with mecha fiction." Shinji couldn't think of anything to say to this. On one hand, this could lead him to be happy for probably the first time in his life. On the other, this could kill everything he knows and loves. Well, now he can think of something to say.

"Well," one student behind him remarks leaning over toward Shinji, "what are you going to say?"

"Shiro!" the girl next to Shinji exclaims with a shushing motion, "let him finish."

"Yeah Shiro," Kensuke says from closer to the back of the class, "you'll give him stage fright."

"All of you! Sit down and pay attention!" Hikari yells from next to her deck.

"Aww come on Class Rep! The old man's just telling the same story he told every day this week. And Ikari's antics are way more interesting than that," an anonymous student remarks from the back.

"Look, even if I agree with you, we still have to keep up appearances, okay," Hikari is facing the rest of the class now. The rest of the class grumbled their ascent to Hikari's continued dominance of their lives as Hikari quietly enjoyed her control. "As you were, Ikari." Hikari mewled sweetly.

Shinji looked back to his laptop to see a new message from Arisu, "Are you okay Ikari-kun?"

"I'm alright, I guess. My classmates were just being," he hesitated while he thought of a descriptor, "rowdy. So how do we find out which end I'll get?" He asked finally.

"Well, it's all about the tone of the work you're in, classically set up between good ends (comedy) and bad ends (tragedy)." she types back quickly.

"But how do we tell the difference between the two from inside?"

"Well, there are two ways I can think of right off. You could watch for the tide of events as they happen, battles and such. But by that time, it's far too late to do anything to fix it. The other key difference between comedy and tragedy is how they treat love."

"Love?"

"Yes, love. In a comedy, your love interest will be a...shallow one. Her or his problems will be solved within a confined time-span and will never reoccur. In a tragedy, your love interest's problems will most likely destroy the both of you." Shinji stares at Arisu's last response. He barely even registers the chime of the lunch bell.

"So," he types in finally, "if I'm going to figure out where this story is heading, I need to get," he hesitates to type in the last bit, "a girlfriend?"

"Exactly." Arisu responds.

"Okay," Shinji responds, "That was the lunch bell. I have to go now."

"Go eat, Shinji-kun. We'll talk another time." And with that, Shinji gets up to go eat his lunch.

Lunch is progressing. And Shinji is having a bit of trouble focusing on his food. He can't stop thinking about his new task: a girlfriend. What sort of girl does he like anyway? What sort of girl would like him? What sort of girl would keep him and everyone else from dying a horrible, fiery death? It's all he can think about.

"So," says Kensuke, "what sort of girl do you think Shinji likes?" It's also all the stooges can talk about.

"Eh, Shin here seems like he's into the quiet type ta me," Toji responds.

"What, like Ayanami? No way!" Kensuke fires back while Shinji discreetly checks to see if Rei heard them talking about her. She did. But she's not showing any signs of it. "I bet he likes spunky girls. You know, someone with some life in 'em." Rei is acutely aware of her "strange one" status in the school. And it's not that she doesn't care.

"Eh? Like the Class Rep?"

"Nah. She's more your type, Toji."

"And what is that supposed to mean, Ken?"

"Nothing at all, buddy. Nothing at all," says Kensuke, meaning that he thinks Toji should hurry up and confess to the Class Rep before some other guy snaps her up. Good home cooking is a valuable skill, after all.

"Uh-heh," Shinji groans, "can you guys knock it off? I don't even know any girls my age here, except for Horaki-san...and Ayanami." And even those two are just barely.

"Well, time can fix that," says Kensuke. Well, time is one thing in short supply for Shinji. "Where ya going Toji?" Kensuke asks as Toji is rising.

"I've got an idea. I'm gonna ask the Class Rep if she knows anybody," Toji says as he takes his first few steps away from where he was sitting next to Shinji. Hikari is eating her lunch at her desk near the front of the classroom, a small gaggle of her fellow girls in a semi-circle around her talking.

"I don't know, Mayu-chan. He's nice to look at and all. But he can't sing. I like it when musicians can sing," one girl laments.

"But looking at him is half the point, Ami," the other girl, Mayu apparently, retorts.

"Well, I'm not looking at him through my ear buds!" the girl, apparently named Ami, shoots back. Whatever Mayu was going to say dies on her lips when Toji walks up.

"Hi Suzahara," Hikari says.

"Hey Class Rep., you got a second?" Toji asks.

"Sure. What did you need?" Hikari turns to face Toji completely, her hopes rising...well not just her hopes.

"Well, I was wondering," Toji says as he scratches the back of his head absently, "if you knew any single girls around."

And Hikari's maidenly heart crashes out of her chest and shatters on the floor. "Uhm, well I might know a few people for you Suzahara."

"Huh?" Toji stops scratching his head and brings his arm back down. "No, not for me. See, Shinji's looking for a girlfriend and I thought you might know someone." And Hikari's maidenly heart leaps back off the floor and into her chest...well not exactly her chest.

"Oh! Well, that's a different matter," Hikari says with a small sigh of relief. Then she looks thoughtful as Ami behind her gets a look of panic on her face. "Well, there's Cho-san in class 3." Ami is mouthing "No" and gesturing wildly behind Hikari. "And he might like Hina-san. Alright, I'll talk to Ikari-kun after school today." Hikari notices Ami's gestures behind her. "Ami-chan, is something wrong?"

"Uhh, no. Nothing is wrong, Hikari," Ami lies.

Hikari looks skeptical. "Alright. Suzahara, tell Ikari to talk to me after school today. I'll try to get in touch with some people I know."

"Great, thanks Class Rep.," Toji says as he waves goodbye.

"Crap," Ami mutters to herself, "better nip this one in the bud."

After making his escape from an overeager Toji and a nosy Kensuke, Shinji winds his way towards the roof, thinking that he can finish his meal in peace.

"'Thinking' he says like he's about to prove me wrong," Shinji mutters to himself as Ami follows after him. "How did I know?" Shinji asks himself as he turns to face the girl as she calls out to him.

"Ikari-san, can I talk to you for a second?" Ami asks, coming to stop in front of him.

"Ano, yes?" Shinji says, looking cautious. After all, this could very well be a confession.

"Listen Ikari...there's no good way to say this," she says with a troubled look, "so I'm just going to give it to you." Okay, now Shinji is worried. "The rumor mill is already working. That...ahem," she coughs into her hand, "show before lunch put blood in the water."

"What?" Shinji asks brilliantly.

"How should I say this? You're the new kid here. You're...mysterious. And you're not half bad looking, I'll admit. And now you just went and put yourself on the market. The girls are going to go nuts for this."

"What girls?" Shinji asks.

"All of them, all of the single girls in the class are probably writing love letters to you right now," Ami says with a breath of finality.

"What? Why?"

"Drama, that's why."

"Huh?"

"It's more dramatic if there's competition. And they love competition. They're going to do everything they can to try and 'win' you, Ikari." she says, making the air quotes above 'win.' "That's why I wanted to warn you."

Shinji takes a step back. "Ano, are you?"

"Am I what?" she asks.

"I mean," he gulps, "are you...confessing to me?"

She squeaks out a little snort at that. "Uhh Ikari, no." Shinji relaxes at that. "I honestly don't understand why they act like that. It's immature. It's hurtful. And it's bullshit!" She blushes and covers her mouth at that 'bullshit.' They stand like that for a minute, listening to the murmur from the classrooms. Then she sighs and adds, "And worst of all, Suzahara went and got Hikari-chan involved."

"Ano, how is that worse?"

"You don't know Hikari-chan like I do. I love her dearly. But she tries too hard. I know she means well, but..."

Ami doesn't get to finish her sentence as aforementioned Class Representative calls out while approaching the two from behind Ami, "Did I hear my name?"

Ami whirls to face the Class Representative, caught. "Hikari-chan! I was just telling Ikari-san about your matchmaking skills," she lies to save Hikari's feelings.

Hikari isn't fooled. She sighs, "If this is about the time I set you up with Kodama's friend..."

"No! Hikari, it isn't about that! I told you not to blame yourself for that," Ami almost squeaks out.

Hikari sighs again, "The girls talk, you know. And I hear them. They say that I turned you off of boys."

"You did no such thing, Hikari! I just decided to focus on my studies." It's not quite a lie. That little disaster of a date was the deciding factor in our little Ami's sudden interest in academic pursuits. She just won't tell Hikari that. "My father wants me to follow in his footsteps, be a scientist and all. So I have to get in a good school." It's a lie, a pure fabrication made to soothe Hikari's guilt.

Hikari's still not fooled. "So you say, Ami-chan."

"Ugh Hikari, you know you're my friend. And I love you dearly. I forgave you already. Do I have to forgive you again?"

"No...but there is that guy in class three who has a crush on you..." Expertly played, Master Horaki, a perfect game of passive-aggressive manipulation.

"I...," Ami stands dumbfounded, "I'll think about it." Thankfully the bell interrupts them before any more awkwardness can ensue. "Ikari, just remember what I said, okay?" Ami says as she turns to go collect her stuff to go back to class.

Class is almost over for the day and our lucky Shinji has the day off of clean up duty.

"Hooray," he says blandly. The bell ending the day interrupts his celebrations. He sighs as he shuts down his laptop. The Class Rep takes a look in his direction. She already has most of her supplies away. A single sheet of paper remains on her desk. She apparently has a prospect for Shinji already. Shinji carefully puts his stuff away as slowly as he can, hoping to put off this meeting for as long as he can. He starts with the power supply for the laptop, disconnecting it and wrapping it carefully. Hikari already has her stuff put up and is walking over. Shinji starts putting his books into his bag. He's just getting to his last book when Hikari shows up.

"Ahh, Ikari?" Hikari asks from above Shinji.

Shinji sighs as he answers, "Hey, Horaki-san."

Hikari doesn't look discouraged. "Well Ikari, I found a couple of girls that are interested in you." To be honest, she found more than "a couple." But she doesn't want to scare off the poor boy. "And I think I found someone you'd be great with! Her name is..."

Shinji interrupts her, "Can we talk and walk? It's been a long day." It's been a long chapter too, Shinji.

"Sure!" she says as he hurries to put the rest of his stuff away. The classroom is mostly empty now except for a few stragglers. Rei is still meticulously putting her books away. And Ami is waiting at the door for Hikari. Hikari starts again as Shinji is rising. "Well, the first girl on my list is a bit of a bookworm. But she's really cute." She continues as they head to the door. "And she has glasses, you know. I hear that's got a unique sort of appeal...not that I'd know," she finishes with a nervous chuckle. "Her name is Mayumi..."

"Wait, Yamagishi?" Ami interrupts Hikari. "Isn't she still in the hospital?"

"Well, yes and no. She's getting out later today," Hikari says the three of them leave the classroom, Ami taking up a space just behind and to Hikari's right.

"And isn't she really shy?" Ami asks from over Hikari's shoulder.

"Well, yes she is. But I figure that she and Shinji have that in common," Hikari says.

"I don't know. That's not the sort of thing you want to have in common with someone," Ami comments again.

"Well if you're so worried, then you can go with them," Hikari fires back.

"Uhh, pass," Ami surrenders.

"Uhh," Shinji interrupts as they approach the stairs, "that might not be such a bad idea. I don't really know what I'm doing on a date anyway."

"Hmm, why don't you go with them, Hikari?" Ami asks.

"What? Two girls with one guy, that could never work," Hikari says with some authority. It's like she knows from experience. Or at least she knows because her sister had an "arrangement" with a friend.

"No, like a double-date," Ami again.

"But who would I go with?" Hikari asks.

"Well, what about Suzahara?"

"Suzahara?" Hikari says with a blush. "I don't know."

Ami skips down a couple steps ahead of Hikari. "Come on Hikari, everyone knows you're crazy about him." Ami stops in front of the two. "This could be your chance."

Hikari doesn't stop walking. "It doesn't work like that, Ami."

"What do you mean?" Ami asks, moving to catch up.

"It's just so bland! I can't just walk up to him and ask him out."

"Why not?" Ami asks, putting a hand on Hikari's shoulder.

"Where's the romance in that? Where's the spark?"

"Girl, you really are delusional. This isn't anime, you know," Ami says with certainty. She's right, of course. This isn't anime. But at least now Shinji has an idea of how to help Hikari, if not an idea of why I emphasized "this."

"I do?" Shinji mutters. And yes, he does. He can talk to Toji for Hikari. Shinji can ask Toji to ask Hikari out. "Hey Class Rep.," he says to Hikari, "I can talk to Toji-san for you." The two girls stop to look at Shinji, who fell behind a few steps ago.

"That could work," Hikari says with a thoughtful look. Ami just looks panicked. "Alright Ikari, you talk to Suzahara. Tell him to call me. I'll set everything else up." Hikari says while Ami just keeps mouthing "No" from just out of Hikari's sight.

"Okay," Shinji says as the two girls turn around. He tunes the rest of the girls' conversation out as they approach the shoe boxes. And he can already see his box but not his shoes. Shinji's shoebox is stuffed with letters of all shapes and sizes. Shinji stops and stares. "I can't possibly be that popular," he thinks to himself.

"I tried to warn you, Ikari," Ami says from where she's seated to put on her shoes.

Shinji stares at the stuffed shoe box for a minute more as Ami finishes with her shoes. At last, he mutters, "What have I gotten myself into?" to himself.

"Welcome to the world of drama that is teenage romance," Ami sings. "So what are you going to do with the letters?"

"I...I don't know. Help me take them to the garbage?" Shinji asks.

"Ahh, smart boy," she says with a grin. "Let's get to work, then."

End Chapter

Author's notes: Alright, starting to get into the meat of the story. The next chapter will be the date-a-thon. And after that, I'll finally let you guys know who Shinji's love interest is. Try and guess. You guys have a chapter between here and there. Just think about what Arisu up there said and who would get each ending. Zero points for guessing Ami. She's not even in the running.

Also, if you have any requests for cameos, put them in reviews. Next chapter will be chock full of cameos from bad dates. I'll select a few lucky girls and boys who I think make hilariously bad dates. A brief list of some cameos, some as dates and some in the background: Kirishima Mana, Izumi Konata, Nagato Yuki, and maybe either Mihama Chiyo (AKA Chiyo-chan) or Kasuga "Osaka" Ayumu.

A great thanks to my reviewers. Feedback is always welcome. As for your comments, well yes it is strange. The story is strange because I am strange.