Ch 19: The Darkness Within

Spock was surprised to find himself in his old home. Everything was in the exact same place it was before he left for Starfleet. The few human touches that his mother insisted on decorating the house with, like the vase of flowers on the coffee table, the picture of his mother holding him after his birth, and even awards Spock had received as a boy, were all there. He moved over to a chair that sat in the living room and placed a hand on it. He felt the firm, taut fabric of it against his hand and stroked it fondly. There was no explanation for his being in a place that no longer existed, but he didn't care. It felt good to be home again.

From the kitchen walked Amanda Grayson, her hands still damp from washing the dishes. When she saw him, she halted her tracks and smiled at him. Unable to contain his disbelief, he gawked at his mother, amazed to see her alive and well. Amused by her son's blatant show of emotion, she laughed and walked over to him. Gently closing his mouth with her hand, she said, "Why honey, you look like you've seen a ghost!"

Eyes wide, Spock attempted to speak. "Mother…but you...how are you…why am I…" Amanda raised a finger and placed it gently on her son's lips, effectively stopping his uncontrollable babbling. She smiled radiantly at the son she had been parted from and said, "You should know why I'm here, Spock. If you think about it logically, there's no possible way this could really be happening. Vulcan was destroyed, and I along with it. You're dreaming sweetheart."

She removed her finger and was satisfied that her son remained quiet. Spock's heart beat irregularly as he saw his mother exactly as she was before she had died. It made sense that he was seeing her in a dream, but it boggled him that she had not come to visit him before now. Curious as to why this was so he asked her, "If this is a dream, then why did you not come to me before now? What has changed from the moment you died that has made you come now?"

"You're a bright boy Spock. I'm surprised you didn't figure it out on your own." Spock stared at her blankly. She sighed and realized that she'd actually have to explain things to her son. "I haven't come to visit you in your dreams until now because I wanted you to understand on your own that none of what happened was your fault. There was nothing you could do to save me, but that's okay. I died knowing that you had come to save me, and knowing that, I could never hate you or blame you for what happened."

Spock began to protest, but she swiftly cut him off. "I'll not have you trying to convince me otherwise. You had no way of knowing that the ground would give underneath me, and it would have tortured me for all eternity to know that you died trying to save me when you couldn't. I won't lie and say I prefer it this way. I would have been thankful if I could have lived, but the fact of the matter is that I died and that can't be undone. I want you to live your life and be happy."

"It was always my wish that you would fall in love with someone who cared about you, and I'm so happy you did. But you're trying to tell yourself that you don't deserve it and are trying to push it away." She placed a hand on his chest and looked up at him. "Don't. Don't be afraid of who and what you are and don't worry so much about things that don't really matter. James T. Kirk is a strong man, and will be able to withstand anything that the two of you go through so long as he has you." She smiled sadly. "How do you think I was able to deal with all the gossiping and the put-downs about our family? I was able to do it because I had both you and your father."

Spock's eyes grew moist, but he fought the tears back. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he spoke. "Mother…I am afraid. The things I am experiencing are extremely unfamiliar to me. I hurt Nyota and caused her to act in a manner that is totally unlike her. I have doubts about my relationship with Jim. What if he realizes that he would rather be with a woman than with me? What if what he feels is lust and not love? What if he sees me for who I really am and leaves me? I feel myself changing…"

"And that's fine," Amanda said reassuringly. "You're going to change. The Vulcan Academy may have taught you all about mathematics and physics and things like that, but being in Starfleet is teaching you about building relationships with other people. Of course you're going to make mistakes here and there, but you can't dwell on them. As for Kirk, he'll never leave you. His love for you is pure and true, and will withstand any temptations that are thrown at him. Both of you are learning about love together, and that's as it should be."

"But mother, the way in which I am changing worries me greatly," Spock said. "There is something inside of me that I am having trouble controlling. It is a dark rage that I do not understand. I fear that if I am unable to control it, I may hurt those closest to me."

Amanda sighed, still smiling at her son. There was so much about being human that her son didn't understand, and she couldn't help but wish she could physically be there with him to help him get through it all. Unfortunately, the best she could do was to visit him in his dreams and give him what words of wisdom she had available. "Sometimes," she explained, "its okay to lose control. You'll come to understand that in time. Don't fight what's inside of you Spock. Learn from it, and embrace it. Only then will you be able to overcome it."

Spock was about to retort when he noticed his surroundings were beginning to fade. He looked around frantically then made eye contact with his mother, who had also begun to fade. She hugged her son, who felt a tear slide down his face. His voice wavering as he held her close, he asked her, "Will I see you again?"

Still holding him tightly, she nodded against his shoulder. "Yes honey. You'll see me again." She released him and stepped back, her body barely visible. "I'll always be there with you in your heart, and when you need me most, I'll visit you in your dreams again." She gave him a final smile as she faded away.

The home he had grown up in faded to the stark whiteness of his subconscious. He hung his head sadly, wishing he could have gotten a moment longer to be with his mother. But her parting words comforted him. I'll always be there with you in your heart, and when you need me most, I'll visit you in your dreams again.

Beneath his feet, an inky darkness rose up to meet his feet as he thought of his mother. It wrapped around his legs and held him tightly around his waist. Spock began to panic, slapping at the darkness. This proved to be a fatal move, as the darkness wrapped around his hands and stretched further upward, all the way around his neck. He pulled his head up, desperately trying to keep the darkness from swallowing him whole. Without warning the darkness pulled his body downward. The whiteness above him quickly disappeared as the darkness dragged him down. The evil laughter he had heard before began ringing in his ears.

Down, down, down he plummeted, fear gripping his throat even tighter than the darkness had. He looked down and saw a figure staring upward at him. His fall halted, bringing him face to face with a sinister looking man. The man looked exactly like him, save the distinguishing Vulcan facial features that were missing. His hair was longer and unkempt, his face unshaved and covered in short stubble, his eyebrows curving around his eyes instead of sharply angled toward his hairline. What caught Spock's attention the most were his ears. They were not pointed like his were; they were rounded, much like human ears.

The clothing he wore was immediately recognized as casual Terran attire: a black shirt, a black cloth jacket, dark denim jeans, and black shoes. It seemed this individual had a strong fondness for the color black. Even the individual's eyes looked black, deeper and darker than Spock's ever were. The man gave Spock a cruel smile that sent chills down his spine. He stepped closer to his captive and said in a deep voice, "Finally we meet, Spock."

The way the man said Spock's voice reminded him of Nero, but was infinitely more frightening in tone. Afraid to know the answer, Spock asked, "Who are you?" The cruel smile grew wider and the man took another step closer. His voice rumbling, he said, "You should know. I am you. But if it's a name you're looking for, you can call me Gabriel. If you had been born a human instead of the half-breed you are, its the name your mother would have given you."

Spock flinched at the man's words. Yet another reminder of the two worlds he didn't fully fit into had been thrown into his face, and this one stung. His mother would have named him Gabriel had he been human, which means she had wanted a human son all along…

Gabriel heard Spock's thoughts and laughed bitterly. "That's right Spock. You are the bastard child of two different races, and your mother never forgot it. No one would let her forget it. She seduced your father into her bed and you are the result of it. Two centuries ago, you wouldn't have even lived past your first year of life, yet here you are now, the spawn of the most illogical combination of genes."

A vein in Spock's temple throbbed as he clenched his jaw in anger. He wanted to punch the smug looking man right in the mouth and ruin that wretched smile. Gabriel must have known this, which explained why he was currently wrapped in dark tendrils. No, Gabriel didn't want Spock to retaliate, he simply wanted him to squirm in anger, which he did, much to his delight.

"The most amusing thing about you," Gabriel continued, now circling around Spock like a buzzard, "is that despite how much you hate being bound by the emotional constraints of the Vulcan lifestyle, you cling to it. You embrace it. You abandon every last thing about you that is human because you don't want to be seen as weak." Gabriel stopped circling when he reached Spock's face and admired his now tense facial features. "Your reluctance to embrace your human side, your reluctance to embrace me, makes me wonder if you really love your mother as much as you say you do. For that matter, it makes me wonder if you really love Jim..."

"Do not speak of him so casually," Spock spat angrily. "You have no right to address him so familiarly. You know nothing about how I feel about him."

Gabriel laughed, which only angered Spock further. "Who do you think you're talking to Spock? Did you not hear me when I said it earlier? I. Am. You. I hear everything you hear, see everything you see, feel…" he lifted a hand and stroked Spock's cheek. Spock violently whipped his head away, but could not escape Gabriel's hand, which grabbed his chin and snapped the head back to face him. Gabriel smiled wickedly and continued, "…everything you feel. The hugs your mother gave you, the kisses you shared with Uhura, Jim's warm mouth around you…I felt it all."

"And don't think for a moment that I'm just some strange version of you that just appeared recently. I've always been here. No matter how hard you've tried to keep me hidden, I've been here since the day you were born and I'll be here until the day you die. You can't get rid of me Spock, because without me you're nothing."

The tendrils wrapping around Spock loosened and released their hold on him. Spock stood solidly on his feet and watched as Gabriel turned his back on him and walked away. He took this as a chance to attack and lunged forward. To his surprise, his entire body froze inches away from where Gabriel stood. Gabriel turned to face Spock and smirked. "What, you thought you could attack me? Oh no Spock, just like you can't get rid of me, you can't hurt me either. I'm stronger than you now, and I think it's about time the rest of the crew became better acquainted with me, starting with Jim."

His laughter rang in Spock's ears even after he woke up from the dream. He sat up straight in the bed gasping for air. The sheets underneath him were completely soaked in a cold sweat. He was relieved to find himself back in his own room, but the dream still haunted him. Movement beside him caught his attention. There lay Kirk, still snoozing peacefully next to him. Apparently Kirk was a very heavy sleeper, or at least he was whenever he shared a bed with Spock.

Spock reached out his hand to touch the slumbering captain, and gently touched his face. The captain shifted slightly in his sleep, much to Spock's alarm, but did not wake. As he touched Kirk's face, he remembered that he and Uhura had kissed. He began to wonder what else had happened to the captain during their time apart. Normally, he'd simply wait until the opportunity came to talk to Kirk about it, but there was something different about the way Spock's mind was working. Why should I wait until he awakes? Spock thought to himself darkly. He's asleep, he'll never know if I just take a peak into his mind and find out for myself. That way, he won't have a chance to try and lie to me…

Carefully he repositioned his fingers on Kirk's sleeping face to initiate a mind meld. He closed his eyes and entered the helpless captain's subconscious. The moment he did, he saw what it was that Kirk was dreaming about. Riding in a cherry red antique convertible, he rode down an old Iowa road, dust flying behind him and the sun shining above him. On his face was a huge smile as he blasted an old Terran song from the car's speakers. He sung along loudly as he roared down the road in his vehicle. Uninterested in what he saw, Spock dug past the part of his mind that played the dream and searched for memories of the very recent past.

Traveling backwards in time, he watched Kirk's life play in reverse. He saw him leaving Spock's room and walking through a hallway. He saw him enter the sick bay, speak with McCoy, and then running out of the sick bay in what appeared to be a pursuit of the doctor. Why was he chasing Doctor McCoy down the halls? Spock pondered. He watched as they returned to the mess hall and saw Kirk's lips touching McCoy's. Abruptly halting the flow of time, Spock stared at the two men, his blood boiling.

Slowly, he reversed the memory far enough back to watch Kirk enter the mess hall, eat four helpings of blueberry cobbler, and then be approached by McCoy. He watched and listened carefully to their conversation. He heard Kirk babble nervously and was unable to decipher what had happened prior to this encounter. Luckily, McCoy cleared things up when he spoke. McCoy tried to kiss Kirk? Why would he do that? His question was shortly answered. Rage seethed inside of him as he heard McCoy's confession.

No…he can't have him! He's mine and mine alone! He saw them hug and heard McCoy's request for a kiss. Knowing he couldn't change the events that had already transpired, he watched helplessly as Kirk attempted to kiss the older man on the cheek, then witnessed McCoy's swift movements of his head to cause Kirk's kiss to be planted on his lips instead.

It was as if a volcano had erupted inside of Spock. Molten hot fury flowed through Spock's veins as he terminated the mind meld. Flinging the covers away from him violently, he got out of bed and grabbed a clean uniform from his dresser. After quickly pulling his clothes and boots on, he strode to the door. He turned one last time to look at the man he loved as he slept then opened the door and left the room. He would deal with Kirk later…