Ch 22: Trust

The ensign yawned loudly. He hated working the early morning shift, but it was a lot better than the graveyard shift Azrael worked before him. It was weird how enthusiastic Azrael was about working it; he couldn't understand what was so interesting about looking at the screens all night long. Maybe that wasn't the whole reason he liked the shift though. Night shift was the only shift that was completely unsupervised, so he could basically do whatever he wanted. He smiled at the thought of having the security room all to himself. He could think of a few girls he'd sneak in to enjoy the privacy and the thrill of getting caught…

The door slid open, scaring the ensign. In walked Commander Spock, arms behind his back and eyes focused. The ensign immediately relaxed when he saw the Vulcan officer, glad that it wasn't his superior. Daydreaming on the job was a severe enough offense to get his ears boxed and his ears still hurt from the last time. When he saw the look on Spock's face though, his relief quickly vanished.

Spock eyed the ensign, looking him up and down. The ensign blushed. He wasn't used to a guy looking so closely at him and it made him rather uncomfortable. "Uh, e-excuse me, Commander Spock?" he stuttered. He cleared his throat and tried to keep his voice steady. "Is there something I can help you with?"

The Vulcan stood up straighter than the ensign ever thought possible. In his typical formal voice, Spock asked, "Are you Azrael Andrews?"

The ensign furrowed his brow as he gave Spock a confused look. What did Spock want with Azrael? Spock was a science officer and Azrael worked in security. He may have been bored during his shift and hadn't exactly paid as much attention to the cameras and he should, but it was easy to see that the entire ship was peaceful, so there couldn't possibly be an emergency. Even if there was, why would he specifically ask for Azrael and not the chief security officer? When the ensign examined Spock, he noticed that his body language did not infer any kind of emergency either, though there was urgency in his calm voice. If there had been an emergency, even the stoic Mr. Spock would show some physical sign of distress.

Then the ensign remembered some of the gossip that had been flying around lately. Azrael had apparently eavesdropped on a rather heated discussion Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura had in one of the ship's rooms and was spreading the rumor that Spock had dumped Uhura for the captain. Since it was coming from Azrael, everyone knew it was true. Spock must have been looking for him to confront him about it.

He gulped and thought to himself, If that's the reason Spock was looking for Azrael, Azrael was in some serious trouble! Even though what he said was the truth, purposefully spreading gossip involving the commanding officers of the ship, as well as abuse of his power as a security officer would at the very least land Azrael in the brig for a while. Quickly realizing that Spock would assume he was Azrael if he didn't speak up, he blurted, "No! No, I'm not Azrael! Azrael's shift ended about an hour ago! I'm his relief!"

The Vulcan's dark eyes drilled into him, examining his body language for any sign that he was lying. Satisfied that what he said was the truth, he interrogated the ensign. "What does Azrael do when his shift ends?" The ensign pulled at his collar, which was beginning to feel as if it were suffocating him. Swallowing hard, he said, "He…he goes to the recreation room for a while. W-when he's done there, he goes to his room."

Spock took a step closer to where the ensign sat. "Where is his room?" The ensign scooted himself back in the chair that was unfortunately riveted to the floor. He wished in vain that the chair was free to be pushed back so he could put more distance between him and the Vulcan. Again Spock asked, his voice icy, "Where is his room?"

"Floor eight!" the ensign said a little too loudly, the stress of the situation wracking his nerves. "From the elevator, he's in the fifth room on the right!" The Vulcan smiled at the ensign, which only served to scare him even more. His voice calm again, he said, "Thank you, Ensign. Good day."

Just as swiftly as he had entered the security room he left. The ensign exhaled loudly and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Most of the time he envied Azrael; he was handsome, strong, charismatic, and well liked. For the first time since they had met in the academy, he was glad he wasn't in his shoes.

Kirk fumed as he strode down the hallway. All around him people pressed themselves against the wall to make way for him. They were used to seeing Kirk smiling or at least in a friendly mood when he was off duty. Normally whenever he passed his crew members he'd occasionally wave or give a greeting. Today he had a look of hatred on his face that immediately told all around him to give him room. Whatever it was that had Kirk in a bad mood was bound to be epic in scope.

He arrived at Spock's quarters and pounded on the door. "SPOCK!" he yelled, causing some nearby crew members to flinch. From the tone of his voice it sounded like he was about to murder his First Officer. "OPEN THE DOOR NOW!"

Silence. Again he pounded the door. At this point people weren't even attempting to walk past him, afraid they'd get caught in whatever aftermath there would be from Kirk's anger. Still there was silence. He knew the Vulcan well enough to know that he wouldn't deliberately ignore him when he knocked on his door. If he had been inside, he would have answered the door in that damned annoying calm Vulcan manner of his and make Kirk feel like he was being irrational for behaving in such a way. No, the Vulcan wasn't in his room.

Whirling around, Kirk headed in the direction of the elevator, sending crew members scattering to give him a wide berth. When he reached the elevator he slammed the up button with his palm. Seconds later the elevator arrived on his floor. The ensign inside witnessed the angry face of his captain and yelped. As quickly as he could, he ran out of the elevator and down the hall, not bothering to look back.

Kirk was wholly unaware of the fiery look in his cold blue eyes. If he had been, it would have made sense to him why everyone was ducking and dodging him. He didn't care if they fled though. The only one that mattered at that moment was Spock, and if he had to scare half of the crew to find him, he would do it without remorse.

The elevator arrived at the bridge within seconds. Kirk barely let the elevator open fully before exiting it. On the bridge now were a couple more crew members, but most of the posts were still vacant. He didn't see Spock, which was all he needed to know. Whirling around before anyone could question him, he returned to the elevator and pressed the down button. As the elevator descended, Kirk thought to himself, Dammit you green-blooded bastard…where the hell are you?

Again Kirk walked off the elevator and stomped down the halls. The constant look of fear and surprise on the crew members he walked past only fueled his anger. It had gotten a little bit more than annoying to be treated like a charging bull, but he didn't realize just how intimidating he looked at that moment. His eyes were wide and focused, his jaw clenched, his hands balled up in tight fists that looked ready to punch anyone who came near him. If Kirk had seen himself coming, he would have dodged him too.

As Kirk stomped down the hall, he heard the velvety strains of a violin coming from the recreation room. He slowed his pace until he came to a full stop. Classical music wasn't really something that Kirk had an express interest in and after his failed attempt at teaching himself to play the violin he was slightly biased against it. However, as he heard the quick tempo song played by someone who was clearly a very skilled violinist, he felt his bloodlust wane. It became evident to Kirk that music really did soothe the savage beast as he felt himself begin to relax. His hands unclenched, his face slacked, his arms hung loose at his sides. Like a mouse lured by the Piped Piper, he followed the music to the recreation room.

When he entered the room, his heart sunk to the pit of his stomach. There in the corner of the room with a small crowd standing in front of him was Spock, playing the violin. His eyes were closed as he concentrated on the song he played from memory. Those who watched him had a dreamy look on their faces. The Vulcan looked completely engrossed in the activity and unless Kirk's eyes were deceiving him, he looked like he was…having fun.

Spock finished the song with a flourish and received an enthusiastic round of applause. Kirk didn't applaud, but he couldn't help but give a half-smile at the Vulcan. Spock never ceased to amaze him in one way or another. Spock really was a rare treasure…

Kirk shook the sweet thoughts out of his head. No, he wasn't going to let Spock get away with this! He had no right to mind meld with him without asking, and he certainly had no right to bully McCoy! He had better have a damned good explanation for doing what he did, because if he didn't…

The Vulcan lowered the violin from his shoulder and gave a stiff, formal bow to his enraptured audience. He carefully placed the violin in its case and closed it. Placing it on the shelf with the other musical instruments, he turned to see Kirk standing in the back of the recreation room. He grinned, giving everyone around him a rare chance to see his beautiful white teeth. A few of the female officers batted their eyelashes at the Vulcan, but were unfortunately ignored. Spock had eyes for one person only, and he was in standing in the back of the room waiting for him.

He pushed past the crowd of people and made his way toward Kirk. His eyes never left Kirk's as he walked across the room. The fire in his eyes was visible even from the back of the room and only intensified the closer he got. Still smiling, he asked, "Did you enjoy my performance?"

The question threw Kirk off guard. Stuttering, he answered, "Wha…I…Yeah, it was really good. But that's not why I'm here." He grabbed the Vulcan's arm and looked at him with his fiery eyes. "You and I need to have a serious talk…"

Spock smiled innocently at Kirk, causing the butterflies in his stomach to flutter madly. His frustration only grew at his inability to stay focused on his anger. Why did he have to look so damned cute when he wanted to punch his face in? "Of course," he said, his voice as musical as the song that still played in Kirk's ears. "Your quarters or mine?"

"Yours," Kirk said after thinking for some time. While he preferred to have the home court advantage, if Spock decided he wanted to attack him, he'd rather be in a smaller environment for an easier getaway. The more ground there was to cover, the easier he could be recaptured if he attempted or needed to run. He pulled the Vulcan behind him and left the recreation room. He was hoping this talk would go better than he expected it to…

Bright lights blinded McCoy as he woke up. His neck still hurt like hell, but there was no fixing that. He tried sitting up, but a small, dainty hand gently pushed him down. Squinting, he saw Chapel's concerned face back at him. "Doctor, you shouldn't try sitting up just yet," she said. "You haven't been resting for very long and you're still weak."

"Nurse, I appreciate your concern, but I'm the ship's chief physician. I can't spend all day lying in bed like this." Again he tried sitting up and was shocked at how easily he was pushed back down. She pursed her lips and said, "Doctor if I'm able to push you down this easily then you need more rest!"

Blue eyes met with blue eyes as one tried to outstare the other. Eventually McCoy was the one to back down as he lay back down on the bed. He sighed in frustration as he stared straight up above him. "You haven't even been on the ship a week and you're already picking up on my persistence." He turned his head toward Chapel and gave her a weak smile. She blushed and smiled nervously in return.

"What is it you wish to talk to me about?" Spock asked, his hands clasped behind his back. He and Kirk stood in the center of his room; Spock was calm as always but Kirk's entire body was tense. Now that he had Spock alone, he was somewhat worried as to what would happen next. Spock had been surprising him at every turn since they woke up that morning and he was worried about what the next surprise would be. His fury outweighed his fear though. It was time he found out for sure if the Spock before him was really his Spock.

"What made you think mind melding with me while I was asleep was a good idea?" Kirk blurted out, not wanting to play around anymore. Spock's eyebrow rose, but he said nothing in response. Kirk continued, "If you wanted to ask me what I had happened during the time we were apart, I would have told you. I have no reason to hide anything to you. I'd tell you my life story if I had the time, that's how little I have to hide! But you couldn't ask, could you? You couldn't wait a few hours to find out what you wanted to know! You had to invade my privacy; you had to look inside my brain! You know how I feel about mind melds! I haven't felt right about them since Spock Prime forced all that information into my head, and you just made it where I'll never trust a Vulcan with my mind again!"

Kirk drew closer to Spock until their faces were inches away. "I may not have been in many relationships Spock, but I know that trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. By mind melding with me without even asking, you've showed me that you don't trust me, and I don't want to be in a relationship where there is no trust Spock. Not with you or anyone else. If I can't trust you to keep respect my mind and my feelings, what can I trust you with? My life? The safety of the crew?"

He stared at Spock, eyes moist with tears of hurt. "It's bad enough I had Uhura make a move on me when I tried to comfort her and my best friend try to convince me I should be with him instead of with you. It's bad enough that I'm still not sure we did the right thing by choosing to be together so soon after realizing our feelings. I needed you to be my strength, to be the one thing I could count on and be sure of, and you couldn't even do that."

Kirk shook his head as a tear fell down his cheek. "You invaded my privacy and read my mind without my permission, which goes against everything Vulcans believe in. You choked my best friend and flung him across the room. And on top of all of that, you lied to me about it all. Why would you do something like that Spock?"

"He was encroaching on what was mine," Spock stated. He said it as clearly and with as much emotion as though he were reading the ship's statistics. "I simply took measures to ensure that he didn't move in on my property in the future."

"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING PROPERTY!" Kirk screamed, tears streaming down his face. Spock's jaw clenched as he stared at Kirk with his dark eyes. His voice shaking, Kirk whispered, "Dammit Spock, what's wrong with you? You're not acting like yourself!"

Spock moved forward, bridging the already small space between them. "What do you know about me?" he said, his voice dangerously low. "You think just because you spent a few days alone with me and got me into your bed that you know everything there is to know about me? YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMNED THING ABOUT WHO I AM!"

"Well maybe if you tried opening up to me I would!" Kirk countered. "But no, you keep closing up and shutting me out! You keep putting up barriers and wearing masks, so how am I supposed to know who you really are? If you don't try and help me to get to know you, why am I even wasting my time?"

Quicker than Kirk could see, Spock extended a hand and pushed the unsuspecting captain into the door behind him. Before he could react, Spock pinned Kirk against the door. Fear shined brightly in Kirk's eyes, suddenly aware that he was about to suffer the same fate his best friend had. Instead of pressing his hand against his lover's throat though, Spock pressed his mouth against Kirk's mouth. Kirk squirmed underneath Spock's hand, but was unable to get away. His tongue snaked its way his mouth. For the first time in his life, Kirk's tongue recoiled to the back of his throat. He had absolutely no desire to kiss this thing pretending to be the Spock he loved.

Another tear fell down Kirk's face as he thought, Oh God, please, let something make him stop kissing me! His prayer was promptly answered as Sulu's voice was heard. 'Commander Spock, do you read me?' Spock reluctantly broke his forced kiss with Kirk and gasped for air. He turned to his desk and pressed the button on his telecom. "What is it Mr. Sulu? It better be good."

There was a momentary pause before Sulu spoke again. 'Commander, we're nearing the planet. We need the captain up here, but he didn't answer in his room. If he's with you, can you bring him with you to the bridge?' Spock cut an eye at Kirk and smirked. "Of course Mr. Sulu," he said calmly. "We'll be up there shortly."

Spock ended the communication and stood up straight, smiling at Kirk. Kirk shuddered; the smile he had once thought to be so beautiful now looked so ugly. Without another word, he opened the door and quickly left the room. He ran down the hall and got into the elevator as soon as he could. As soon as the door closed before him, he pressed the stop button and began to cry. He pressed his head against the elevator door and slid down to the floor. One hand kept him stead while the other pounded the door as he sobbed.

McCoy was right and it broke his heart. Whoever or whatever it was that was in Spock at that moment wasn't the Spock he fell in love with. He didn't even know if the Spock he fell in love with was the real Spock anymore. Even if it wasn't though, he'd give anything to have that Spock back.