Inside the Series: Zombie Powder

I don't own Zombie Powder, and we know this because if I did, it would have my style to it and it would be finished. And, no, my style doesn't necessarily mean it would be funny. Here is Elwood Shepherd Part I

Chapter II: Elwood Shepherd Part I

"Yeah, you know what this is," said Charles. "You know you like it. Inside the Series with the cast of Zombie Powder. Now let's bring Elwood in for his Studio Session!"

"Hi," said Elwood. "First, let's get a few things straight between us. I promise I will not try to take your wallet or anything else of value you may have."

"Give me back my college ring," said Charles.

"I said I wouldn't take anything of value," said Elwood, "But if a ring from Penn State is that valuable to you, okay." He returned Charles's ring.

"All right," said Charles. "Let's get this shit underway! First question of the evening comes from Eric O'Brien."

"Mr. Shepherd," said Eric O'Brien as he adjusted his glasses and fiddled with his mustache, "Why are you so poor?"

"I'm not poor anymore!" Elwood insisted. "The Zombie Powder movie will be out any day now!"

"It'll be worse than Street Fighter," said Charles. "I saw the trailer. Learn to act, please!"

"Fuck you, Charles," said Elwood.

"Second question comes from Roger Zapp," said Charles, ignoring Elwood.

"Were you just listening?" Elwood asked. "I said, 'Fuck you, Charles'."

"Elwood, shut up," said Roger Zapp. "I'm trying to ask you a question."

"And you failed," said Charles. "Please sit down now, Mr. Zapp. Our third question comes from Graham Winfree."

"Is it true that you are really two giant albino spiders in a gorilla suit that got screwed up in the wash?" asked Graham Winfree.

"Actually," said Elwood, "I'm a hermaphroditic bipolar cobra. The rest of me is controlled FUCK OFF by a remote control operated by a BULLSHIT tick that lives in my vagina. I also have Tourette's."

"Okay," said Charles. "I was not expecting that. Our fourth question comes from Osman Jefferson."

"Wait, this isn't the Naruto edition of Inside the Series?" Osman Jefferson asked.

"No, it's the Zombie Powder edition," said Charles. "Bring me your question later. Our fifth question comes from Hilary Jackson."

"What is your name?" Hilary Jackson asked.

"John Elwood Shepherd," said Elwood.

"I always thought it was Nicoletta Alexandra McDonald," said Charles. "I always thought Elwood was your stage name, and I would never have guessed that your first name was really John. Nice ring though, toilet boy. Sixth question comes from Rebecca Russell."

"What is your quest?" Rebecca Russell asked.

"To find the Zombie Powder to resurrect my sister," Elwood said looking a tad puzzled.

"A truly worthy quest," said Charles. "I don't think her death would stop people like Kame Sen'nin and Ash Ketchum."

"But he's such a nice kid and probably doesn't know how sex works," said Elwood.

"Ash Ketchum the character probably doesn't," said Charles. "If you've met the actor the way I have, he'd probably do something incredibly nasty. I might vomit." Charles paused for a second before he stuck his finger down his throat. "That's much better. Okay, seventh question comes from Cathy Church."

"What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Cathy Church asked. "I want the answers for African and European."

"I don't know the answer to either question," Elwood said. "Can someone ask me a question relevant to my series?"

"I'll do that when I interview you," said Charles. "Mr. Shepherd, my friend, it's been great having you on the show. Ms. Church asked two questions in one, so I'm sorry Suzanne Sopho, but your question will have to be thrown out."

"Charles," said Elwood, "You have fifteen minutes left in the show, so I'm sure you can take her question, since technically only seven were asked."

"I said Ms. Church asked two questions in one," said Charles as he shook Elwood's hand. "The first one was 'what is the air speed velocity of an unladen African swallow' and her second question was 'what is the air speed velocity of an unladen European swallow'. That's two questions. Now get the hell out of my studio."

"That's it," said Elwood. "Bye, Charles."

"Joke's on you!" Charles called after the departing Elwood. "That wallet has no money! It's just got angry rabbits in it!"

Outside the studio, Elwood screamed as the rabbits attacked.

"Tune in next time!" Charles said. "I'll show you my encounter with Balmunk!"

Enjoy this one. I think the next one will be fun.