17th October 2014

Hi, lovelies. I've written a couple of extra outtakes for TDD so thought I would share them with you. Hope you enjoy!

Westchester, New York

Auditions for The Grove

I sit in the hallway and wait.

I've done that a lot these past few days.

Audition, wait around, watch as people get cut. Audition some more, fake my way though connection exercises, survive more cuts.

I know I should be nervous about this process, but I'm not.

Nerves would imply I care, and I've trained myself out of that ridiculous habit.

I've felt hollow for so long, I can't remember what it's like to feel any other way.

I still get echoes of other emotions, but that's all are. Twinges. Rat scratches at my numbness.

Not total numbness, mind you. A low simmer of anxiety is my constant companion. It provides me access to a smorgasbord of negative emotions - anger, bitterness, regret, fear - but vetoes anything positive. It's a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, I'm comfortable and safe.

On the other, I'm emotionally handicapped. And that's a problem.

I'm an actor. I have to be able to run the gamut of human emotion. Is there any achievement in being able to portray complex and fascinating hate if you can't also show the purest and most simple form of love?

I lean my head back against the wall.

I used to know what love felt like. Or at least what I thought was love.

Jessica.

When we met, I could tell she was hollow, too. But she took all the dead places inside me and made them feel alive. Spent so much time telling me how special I was that I started to believe her.

She became my everything. The one person I could rely on. Well, her and Mike.

Mike had been my best friend since grade school. My only friend, if I was being honest.

When I'd found out about my adoption, Mike was there to support me. He was like the brother I never had.

Until our sophomore year, it was just him and me. Then Jessica came along.

She changed everything.

It wasn't until I was completely under her spell that I noticed how she got off on pitting Mike and me against each other. She loved the power of it. Only natural considering Jessica was a psychopath.

If only I'd known that then.

At the time, she had her hooks into me so deep I could have been stuffed and mounted on her wall, and been happy for it. But that's what psychopaths do. They're master manipulators. They get so far under your skin you don't know if you're in charge of your own actions anymore, and when you realize you're not - that they're puppeteering every jealous outburst and assurance-seeking meltdown - it's too late.

The damage is done.

And that's their ultimate goal. Damage. Destruction. If they're really high on the spectrum, even death.

Lucky for me, Jessica just wanted to rip my heart out and let me live.

I realized the full extent of her manipulation when I walked in on her fucking my best friend.

I don't know whose betrayal hurt more. Hers or Mike's.

Doesn't really matter. Both together destroyed me.

Knowing Jessica was the architect of the heartache didn't save my relationship with Mike. I couldn't look at either of them again.

Even now I feel like an award-winning idiot for not seeing what she was doing to me. And him.

She ruined both of us, and she did it for kicks.

Fucking bitch.

So that's what I got for trusting and loving. My heart ripped out and my world turned upside down.

It was then I realized love was the most dangerous emotion on earth.

Sure, hate can make you do crazy things, but love will turn you into a maniac.

#

To my right, there's a flurry of movement as a door opens, and the Grove's acting coach, Irina Eden steps out.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time. This list contains the names of the people who will be invited back for our final interviews tomorrow. If your name isn't on this list, I'm afraid you haven't made the cut. You're welcome to reapply next year. Thank you for your time."

She pins the paper to a notice board and the forty or so people who have made it this far crush forward to see the list.

I wait. I've been competing with these people for two days. I'm more than happy to let them get their rejections first.

I lean my head back against the wall and contemplate my options.

Either I get in, and spend the next three years at one of the most prestigious drama schools in the country, or I get cut and have to face up to my father. Obviously, the first option is more appealing.

People squeal and bounce around like cartoon characters when see their name. Others cry and collapse when they don't.

Fucking actors. Always so dramatic.

It takes about half an hour before they all take their babble somewhere else, and I peel myself off the wall to look at the list.

Allbright, Jennifer

Banner, Aaron

Carter, Felicity

Ingliss, Adrienne

I read it again.

And again.

Cullen, Edward isn't there.

I'm not there.

I'm cut.

Without warning, my numbness coils in on itself and forms a giant knot of disappointment in my throat. I close my eyes and lean my forehead against the paper to stop it forcing a sound out of my mouth.

Fuck.

What the hell am I going to do now?

My dad will insist on me applying to medical school, but I can't be a doctor. I can barely care about myself right now, let alone others.

This course was the one bright point in my otherwise shitty horizon, and now even that's been extinguished.

"Mr. Cullen?"

I open my eyes to see Irina, jacket and purse in hand, ready to go home after a hard day of slaughtering people's dreams.

"Are you all right?"

I nod. What else am I going to do? Tell her I'm devastated?

"I'm sorry you didn't make it this year," she says as she walks over to me. "You're a very talented young man. I see a lot of potential in you."

I nod again. "So … talent and potential. Not things you're looking for, then?"

She smiles. "Of course they are. But I also need someone who's open, honest, and willing to face up to their fears. I get the strong impression you're none of those things."

I feel like she's punched me in the chest.

"Yeah, well, this wasn't my first choice anyway. I'm sure I'll survive."

I know I'm not fooling her. If I were capable of that, she wouldn't have cut me.

Irina pats me on the arm. "Come back and see me next year, Mr. Cullen. A year to grow will do you good. Get some experience. Travel. Fall in love. Make your world big enough to allow others to be in it with you."

She walks away, and I clench my jaw against rising emotion.

This woman doesn't know me. Doesn't know what I've been through.

And yet she just summed all my problems up in a couple of sentences.

Fuck that.

Hell, yes, I'll be back.

If only to prove she's wrong about me.

She told me to get some experience. Fine. That's easy. I have several shows coming up.

The travel thing is less easy. I'm broke and really don't feel like hitting up my parents for a loan. Still, I can get around New York okay and I'm ashamed to say that even as an NY native, I've yet to see all the sights.

But as for Irina's final piece of advice - fall in love - I don't fucking think so.

Love leads to nothing good. It makes you stupid, and needy, and vulnerable to big-titted psychopaths.

It's deadly.

I mean, look what happened to Romeo and Juliet. Those kids were in love for three days and six people ended up dead, including themselves.

Freaking ridiculous.

I'll re-audition, and one way or another, I'll get in. But I swear on my life that I'll never, ever, be stupid enough to fall in love again.

Over the next few months, I'll be posting more EPOV outtakes here. Some of them you may have read before, but some are totally new. Hope you likey. :)

As you guys know, TDD is being published as two books, BAD ROMEO and BROKEN JULIET.

BAD ROMEO is being released earlier than expected, on December 23rd, and is now available for pre-order. (Links are on my profile.) The cover reveal happened today, and if you haven't seen it, it's waiting to fondle your eyeballs on either my Facebook or Twitter. (I love it! I hope you do, too!)

Also, the first chapter of BAD ROMEO is now up on Wattpad for a special sneaky peek before the release. There's also going to be EXCLUSIVE bonus content posted over there, so head on over and say hi if you haven't already. I've missed you guys so much! (Link also on profile.)

If anyone would like to be a part of the BAD ROMEO Street Team, let me know. Perks will include ARCs, prizes, pictures of hot men, and general all-purpose shenanigans. Hit me up on Facebook or Twitter if you're interested! If will be fun!

Hope you're all well and happy. Love you all!

K x