EPOV #5

I walk into the bookstore, feeling nervous. I have no idea why. It's a bookstore, for Christ's sake. What's the worst that could happen? A towering stack of Jackie Collins collapses and crushes me to death?

Actually, that thought is pretty mortifying. If I go, I really don't won't it to be underneath a shitload of 'turgid members' and 'tumescent arousals.' I'd never live my death down. At least let it be Stephen King or something a bit badass.

The store smells musty, but I like it. It's like knowledge, guilt, and mold, all wrapped up in one.

I shove my hands in my pockets as I walk through the shelves, looking for the self-help section. I stifle a laugh. 'Self-help'. If only it were that easy. I'm skeptical that anything I find here can actually do me any good, but I figure I owe it to Bella to give it a go. Hell, I owe it to myself. It's not as though I enjoy being a monumental fuck-up. But at least I recognize I have issues, even if I'm not equipped to do anything about them.

I eventually find three whole bookcases labeled, "Self-help/Self-improvement".

Jesus. The amount of titles is staggering. "Be a Better You", "Healing with Angels", "Cleanse Your Chakras", "The Life You Were Born to Live", "Heal Your Life", "Top Tips for a Fulfilling Life", "The Secret", "Embrace Your Personal Power", "Living a Powerful Life."

Fuck me.

I look around, embarrassed to even be looking at these books. I feel like I have a giant neon sign above my head advertising what a loser I am. Then I realize I'm the idiot who fucked things up with an incredible woman, and if these books can help, I should be damn grateful.

I pull the shabby cocktail napkin out of my pocket and scan the titles. "Living in the Moment", "Past Mistakes, Future Success," and "Reprogram Your Stress". I find them all within a few minutes, and then head up to the counter to pay while giving the 'romance' aisle a wide berth just in case there are any homicidal paperbacks.

When I step back out onto the sidewalk, I breathe a sigh of relief. Mission accomplished.

Now, let's see if these books live up to their hype.

I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth.

"Play that funky music, white boy..."

My tension is rising, but I'm trying to stay calm.

"Play that funky music riiiiiiiiiiight!"

Breathe in, breath out. I float like a feather on the wind.

"Play that funky myooseec whaht boiiiii."

Jesus Christ.

"Lay down that booogieeee and play that funky music 'til you die! 'Til you diiiiie!"

I storm over to my bedroom door and wrench it open.

"For fuck's sake, Alice, would you shut the fuck up?! I'm trying to fucking meditate here!"

Alice freezes mid-boogie and pulls out her ear-buds.

"Um, hate to burst your bubble, bro, but you're doing it wrong. It's supposed to make you calmer, not grumpier."

After slamming the door, I flop onto my bed. This meditating bullshit is harder than it seems.

I throw my arm over my eyes and try to steady my breathing. After about ten minutes, I'm calm. Ish.

I miss Bella. I want to call her, but we don't do that. We should, but we don't. She's been avoiding me all week, as expected, and I'm seriously craving her.

I feel like I'm about to climb the walls.

Alice starts singing again.

I'm fucking done.

I get changed into shorts and a tank, and after I pull on my running shoes, I get the hell out. I might suck at meditating but running is the next best thing. I just concentrate on my breathing and keeping my pace steady. Empty my mind of everything else. Long strides. Deep breaths.

I never really plan out a route. I just let instinct drive me. I guess my instincts are kind of preoccupied right now, because half an hour later, I'm running through The Grove campus, toward Bella's apartment. I have no idea if she's even home, but as I get closer, my anxiety lessens.

It's weird how things have changed. In the past, just being around her made me feel so uptight I thought my skin would explode. Now, I get that feeling when I'm away from her.

I'm so enormously screwed.

Before I have a chance to talk myself out of it, I head up the path and knock on her door. There's a groan from inside. I knock again. After some muffled noises and swearing, the door cracks open and Rose's bloodshot eyes glare at me.

"Cullen? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Uh ... I was just passing by."

"At the crack of fucking dawn on a Sunday?"

"It's 11.45, Rose."

She squints. "It is?"

"Yeah."

"Shit. Guess I missed church, huh?"

"Late night?"

"Early morning."

"Bella home?"

She snorts. "Home, yeah. Conscious, no. We accidentally drank wine last night."

"Accidentally?"

"Yeah. We're not supposed to. We're bad at it."

"Uh huh."

I wonder if Bella talks to Rose about me. Specifically about us having sex. I doubt it. If she did, I'm pretty sure Rose would be beating the crap out of me for getting involved again.

As soon as that thought hits, Rose narrows her eyes. She's suspicious.

Dammit. "Okay, well ... See ya."

I turn to go.

"Wait."

"What?"

When I turn back to her, her posture is tense. "What the fuck is going on here, Edward? You never just 'drop by'."

I shrug. "Was just in the area and thought I'd say hi."

"Yeah, right."

"It's true."

"Rose? Who the hell is at the door?"

Bella's voice echoes inside the apartment. She still sounds half-asleep. And fully drunk. Knowing how handsy she gets when she drinks, my dick stands at attention.

I really want to see her, but Rose half closes the door. "No one's here, honey. Go back to sleep."

"K. Ahmtired."

"I know. Me too."

I'm tempted to push the door open, grab Bella, and take her into her bedroom, but I know that's not possible. Rose is her best friend, and if she hasn't told her we're sleeping together, I'm not going to. The last think I need is another excuse for Bella to be angry with me.

Rose steps out of the apartment and pulls the door closed behind her, then levels her finger at me. "Listen, you. I've seen you and Bella getting all flirty recently, and I don't like it. You really fucking hurt her last time, so unless you intend to fix your shit and man up, you stay the hell away from her, you hear me? I'm not living through another one of your fuckups."

I don't blame her for wanting to protect her friend. In fact, I respect her for it. Still, her completely justified lack of faith in me is annoying.

"I was just passing by, Rose. No need to get your panties in a bunch."

"You're such a liar."

"Be sure not to tell Bella I dropped by."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Have a nice day."

She gives me the finger. "Bite me."

I jog home with renewed conviction about 'fixing my shit', as Rose so eloquently put it. If for no other reason than to yell, 'in your face!' when I became a fully functional and evolved individual.

Also, so I can be the man Bella deserves.

Yeah.

That most of all.

You guys! One week until BAD ROMEO hits bookstores and e-readers everywhere! I'm freaking out over here.

I'm going to be posting the rest of the EPOV outtakes over the next few days to thank you all for your wonderful support over the years. I really can't thank you enough for helping turn the dream of becoming a published author into a reality.

Links for all things BAD ROMEO are on my profile.

Hope you're all staying sane at this crazy time of year. I love you all.

K x