EPOV #6

I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor. I seem to be doing this a lot recently.

I've learned I have to meditate sitting up or I fall asleep. It's relaxing, sure, but not very helpful.

Reading self-help books is embarrassing enough. Failing to self-help is fucking mortifying.

My latest book is trying to teach me how to diffuse tension. Apparently I need to find the triggers for my self-destructive anxiety and train myself to react differently.

Sounds easy, right?

Wrong.

Hardest fucking thing I've ever done, and that's coming from the man who had the endurance to sit through fourteen performances of a three hour version of Hamlet on Broadway. I know hard.

The assignment is: "Think about something you find upsetting."

This part is easy.

I think back to lunch today. Bella was talking to Riley. Not flirting or even touching. Just talking. I was so angry, I felt like a cartoon character. The jealousy started like a ball of napalm in my stomach and flared up my torso. It spread up my neck and burned in my cheeks. I swear to God, if people looked hard enough they would have seen steam coming from my ears.

I hate getting that jealous over nothing, but this is what I am. And what I am is why I'm doing this. Bella deserves better, and I aim to give it to her.

I close my eyes and bring up an image of Bella and Riley. They're talking. My jealousy flares. I try to turn the negative emotion into something positive.

In my mind, Bella smiles at me.

Okay, that's good.

Then she returns to Riley and he touches her face.

I grind my teeth and try to stay positive.

"Modify your reaction," I remind myself. "Break the pattern of negativity and self-sabotage."

Bella kisses Riley. She leans in to him and unbuttons his shirt.

Fucking fuck.

I keep breathing. Try and keep it together.

Bella morphs into Jessica and Riley becomes Mike and suddenly I'm standing there like an imbecile as they fuck in Mike's bed.

"Fucking shit!"

I throw the book across the room and rub my face.

I suck at this. Big time.

I want to talk to Bella. Tell her what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. But then my stomach drops because I think she'll tell me not to bother, and that would kill me.

I lean back against the wall and sigh.

Nothing worth doing is ever easy, right?

I close my eyes and try again.

Approximately two minutes later, I put my fist through the wall.

I'll be posting another outtake tonight with details on a giveaway for all of you who have pre-ordered Bad Romeo.

Watch this space!

K x