CASUALTY THE MUSICAL FANTASY
CAST
(Everybody in this is played by the normal Casualty actor, except for Marta Meyer, and any other guest characters I dream up along the way. All suggestions for an actress for Marta will be considered.)
Ben ('Lofty' Chiltern, a handsome but downtrodden nurse
Max) His friends
Robyn)
Cal)
Ethan) The handsome brothers
Zoe The allocated enchantress
Connie The Demon Queen
Honey The coffee lady
Count Anton Meyer, a rich powerful surgeon
Marta Meyer, his beautiful daughter
Charlie Fairhead, who just wants a part in this. Any part will do for Charlie!
Dylan, the Gobby One (but we love him don't we!)
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
ED DEPARTMENT
(A quiet day in the ED for a change, Honey is giving out coffees, Lofty is spilling his already, Cal and Ethan are preening in a mirror and everybody is looking round nervously for Connie. They all sing.)
ALL; We are feeling stressed here,
We are quite depressed here,
We all do our best here, but my, oh my.
Best ain't good enough here,
We are feeling rough here,
This place gets so tough here,
And this is why…
MAX: Doing a flamenco on a packet of crisps.) Don't blame it on the cr*p snacks
ROBYN: Don't blame it on the cutbacks,
LOFTY: Don't blame poor Big Mac,
(All looking terrified.)
Blame it on the Connie!
HONEY: Don't blame my cappuccino,
MAX: Don't blame the lack of vino,
LOFTY: Just blame the queen of mean, oh..
ALL: Blame it on the Connie!
(Cal and Ethan go out, probably to have their eyebrows waxed. Everybody else jumps in terror as Connie walks in… but wait, it's only Dylan in a Connie mask. The next number can only be described as somewhat silly. Dylan hands out Connie masks to everybody and they all wear them and sing, while Lofty waltzes round the room with Robyn:)
It's oh so quiet
It's oh so still
We're all alone
And so peaceful until...
Connie stalks in,
Zing boom
With evil grin, wham boom,
We're caving in
Whop, slam!
You've never been so scared and shy,
You wanna run, you wanna cry
You cross your heart and hope to die
Til it's over and then
Its nice and quiet
But soon it's time
For Connie's next diet.
A b*tch on wheels
Zing boom,
In six-inch heels
So what's the big deal
Wow bam
Of working for Con?
(Connie herself enters at this moment; everybody else but Lofty gets rid of their masks but Lofty is dancing round happily until he comes face to face with her.)
CONNIE: (Chillingly.) Benjamin Chiltern!
(Lofty takes off the mask and looks crushed.)