SCENE THREE

BACK IN THE ED RECEPTION

LOFTY: (Deciding to put a brave face on things.) Come on, Honey let's go for it. Put your radio on.

(He takes her hand and they jive to the music of 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' for a while, until the old lady shuffles out of the cubicle.)

LOFTY: Oh sorry sweetheart, did we disturb you?

OLD LADY: No, sugar, but now it's time for YOU to be disturbed! You're not staying here, so get into the right frame of mind…

(She shakes off her old lady disguise and behold it's Zoe, more glamorous than she ever was on Strictly.)

HONEY: Oh Lofty, I think it's your fairy godmother.

ZOE: We're called Allocated Enchantresses now, pet. My name's Zoe. Ben, you were kind to me so tonight I'll give you a chance to get your heart's desire.

LOFTY: But the patients-?

ZOE: Don't worry about that, curly top. I've arranged for a skeleton staff. And now…

(She sings.)

ZOE Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh,
Aah!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

[Spoken] Ok everybody clap your hands
He's a superstar and he's going out tonight!

(Sung.)

Now listen Ben the Beautiful, you're going out tonight.

A sexy shirt, well that can't hurt,
You'll look red-hot all right.

That Connie likes to pick on you

She's common and she's tarty.

But you'll grab all the attention

At Old Meyer's Crimbo Party!

Ooh! Ooh!

Sparkle and shine!
The girls will gather round!
Sparkle and shine!
They'll all make a lovesick sound.
Here's something you CAN believe
Ben, you're going to shine this Christmas Eve!

ZOE: Now, Honey… off you go and fetch me one of those first-aid dummies!

(Honey runs off.)

LOFTY: What's that for?

ZOE: (Tapping her nose.) That's for me to know and you to wait to find out. Now, your makeover….

(She waves a stethoscope, well you didn't really expect her to have a wand, did you? Lofty is wearing a designer suit with a tuxedo and ruffled shirt, with expensive shoes.)

HONEY: (Coming back with the dummy.) Ooh, Lofty, you're awesome.

ZOE: Just one more thing… his hair needs slicking back. Where's that gel?

(Ominous music 'dadadaDAAAA!' plays. But fear not, the Mead fans are all wide awake.)

MEAD FANS: Don't touch the curls!

(Zoe flings the gel into the wings. A crash. Charlie staggers out shaking his fist, with gel running down his face. Lily yanks him off stage again.)

LOFTY: Can't Honey go to the party too?

HONEY: That's kind but I'd rather stay here and get a bit of kip.

ZOE: Well, if you must moonlight with that pole dancing! Here, swap you that dummy for a pillow.)

(Honey passes over the dummy and Zoe casts another spell. Honey is left hugging a big soft pillow while the dummy becomes a chauffeur, played by – finally, his time has come – Charlie!)

ZOE: Have a kip, Honey… a word to the wise, not on THIS part of the stage.

(Honey moves to the back, and just as well for Charlie Chauffeur drives back in a huge shiny posh car.)

ZOE: In you get, Benjamino. Now tonight you'll be known as….

(She whispers in his ear.)

LOFTY: Very revolutionary!

ZOE: Now here's the downside. Your posh togs and that car will only last till midnight. After that the car will vanish so if you don't want to look stupid sitting on a medical dummy, you'd better leave the party by quarter to!

LOFTY: Look…it's only twenty past nine. That leaves me plenty of time to enjoy the party and get close to Marta. If I can't get a date with her after a couple of hours, I'll never manage it so I'm just grateful to be going.

ZOE: Aren't you a sweetie?

(This is Zoe's chance to do her big musical 'strictly' moves. She sings.)

ZOE: You want Marta's love and my devotion
You want her loving soul right on the line
I have no doubt that she could love you forever
The only trouble is you really don't have the time

You've got till midnight only, midnight only, that's all you have to spare
Midnight only, to make your lady care.
Midnight only, midnight only, come on now, sweetie, come on
Midnight only, you don't have 'til dawn.

In the morning your lady will be gone
One chance to keep it going on.

Something so right should have a chance to live
So trust Auntie Zoe, and grab this chance I give.

Midnight only, Midnight only, you'll be the only one
Midnight only, make it a job well done.
Midnight only, midnight only, there's nothin' more to say-

(Charlie comes sneaking across the stage dancing.)

ZOE: Midnight only…. Charlie, get out of the way!

(Now as this is a fantasy, and I think the ladies out there would like to see more of Max, Cal and Ethan, they appear in a fantasy dance routine wearing tuxes and dancing with Zoe, even though technically they're also at the party. Oh the wonders of technology! Zoe sings a final verse, then Lofty kisses her and climbs into the car, as Zoe reprises 'Sparkle and Shine'. The car drives off. The music fades to Brahms' Lullaby as Honey goes to sleep.)

HONEY: (In her sleep.) Mmm… Oooh… ooh…. OOH, DYLAN!

END OF ACT ONE