SCENE FOUR
BACK IN THE BALLROOM
(Anton is giving Dylan a stern reprimand and Dylan is sniggering, which isn't going down too well but helps Lofty and Marta to sneak back in, looking as innocent as they can.)
ANTON: Mrs Beauchamp will learn all about your behaviour.
DYLAN: (Gleefully.) She knows all about it already, mate.
ANTON: You do NOT refer to a Count as 'mate', young man.
(He looks round and is relieved to see his daughter safely back inside the mansion.)
ANTON: Now to perform my little gold digger test to see if that young man is decent.
(But as he walks over to Lofty and Marta, a clock chimes.)
MARTA: Quarter to midnight already!
LOFTY: I'm so sorry, I'll need to leave in five minutes. I have… um…another charity engagement. (To himself.) Tell her you love her, you fool! The worst thing she can do is laugh at you!
MARTA: I knew you were a kind man. (Aside.) I wish he'd kiss me again. I can calm Dad down afterwards!
(Connie stalks through and gives them a penetrating look. Lofty freezes nervously.)
CONNIE: Evening, Marquis.
LOFTY: Ah, the divine Mrs Beauchamp, spoken of us so highly at Enjolras towers.
CONNIE: (Aside, shaking herself.) Get a grip, Anaconda. There's no way Lofty could talk as clearly or classily as that!
(Another dance, this time a lively jive. Lofty keeps being hemmed in by people, and midnight finally strikes just as Dylan grabs Marta and does a few jive moves with her. Marta tries to escape until her father finally intervenes and punches Dylan, who collapses giggling… by which time Lofty has fled. But what's that glistening on the ground?)
DYLAN: Trouble with you bigwigs is you don't know how to have fun.
MARTA: (Asking around in general.) Did anybody see which way the Marquis went?
(Everybody shakes their heads.)
ROBYN: He was tasty though!
(Max scoops up the badge that has dropped.)
MAX: It's a name badge… (Squinting.) Bert Chilblain...
MARTA: (Taking it from him as politely as she can.) Ben Chiltern… a nursing badge?
CONNIE: (Aside.) I am going to perform an operation on him when we get back… without anaesthetic.
MEYER: Curious. Oh well we'll probably never see him again.
MARTA: On the contrary. I want somebody – anybody – to run a check on that name, please. I HAVE to know who he really is!
CONNIE: Really, Ms Meyer? He seemed a bit lacklustre to me.
MARTA: Only to those with no imagination.
(She sings as Connie nearly explodes with rage.)
MARTA: (SONG: I will follow him, used in Sister Act Two.)
You must search for him,
Wherever he may go,
There isn't an ocean too deep
Or a mountain so high it could keep me away.
SERVANTS: We shall search for him,
Because this girl's in love,
No need to be modest and shy,
We see that you're after this guy,
We'll find your man,
This man that you love.
MARTA: I love him, I love him, I love him,
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow,
We'll share a thousand sunsets, forever, forever,
I want that man forever!
CONNIE: (With an evil laugh.) We'll see about that!
(Ominous music plays.)
END OF SCENE FOUR
SCENE 5
THE HORRIBLE FOREST
(This is a scary forest on the way back to the hospital. A dance of spooks, bats and bugs is performed by none other than Big Mac's Toe-tapping Tots! The casting for this was very fair; any Tot who couldn't afford a spook or bat costume has to play a bug. Then Zoe comes forward, with Max, Dylan and Connie following her like zombies.)
ZOE: Now I've hypnotised these three. Connie, because she's a bad b*tch, Dylan because he will NOT be politically correct, and Max because he's cute and I wanted him to be in on this. They're all going to do a musical number together for my entertainment.
(Max sings. The song is an old one used in pantomimes a lot. A friend requested that I included this and I love a challenge, so here we go.)
MAX: If I weren't part of Holby staff, something else I'd like to be,
If I weren't part of Holby staff, a zoo attendant, me.
Tend creatures all day long and this would be my song.
(Doing the actions.) Feed the monkeys, stroke the snake, watch out for the tig… (clutching his backside.)…aaagh!
(Dylan minces forward. Disclaimer: I am very strong on gay rights but sexist rogues like Dylan have to learn the hard way.)
DYLAN: If I weren't part of Holby staff, something else I'd like to be,
If I weren't part of Holby staff, a drag artiste, me!
I'd shimmy all day long, and this would be my song.
(Doing the actions.) Blusher here, mascara there, shimmy like a girl, ooh!
MAX: Feed the monkeys, stroke the snake, watch out for the tig…aaagh!
ZOE: (Speaking.) And now it's Connie's turn. She did choose this one herself so if it goes wrong for her - ooh dear, what a shame!
(Connie struts forward and sings:)
CONNIE: If I weren't part of Holby staff, something else I'd like to be,
If I weren't part of Holby staff, a politician, me.
I'd canvas all day long, and this would be my song.
(Doing the actions.) Canvas here, speeches there, kissing babies everywhere.
(Zoe hands her a toy baby to kiss and Connie, being hypnotised, bends down to it. It wees in her eye.)
DYLAN: Blusher here, mascara there, shimmy like a girl, ooh!
MAX: Feed the monkeys, stroke the snake, watch out for the tig…aagh!
CONNIE: (Determined to sing louder than the others:)
Canvas here, speeches there, kissing babies everywhere.
(The baby wees in her eye again, and she looks up hastily, only to get a rotten egg smack in the mouth. A barrage of rotten eggs follows and she runs off sobbing.)
ZOE: Well, she would insist on being a politician. (Waving her stethoscope.) Okay, guys, you're released. Off you go. (To Max.) Catch you later, sexy!
MAX:] (Suddenly looking at their watches and running off in panic.)
DYLAN:} Somewhere else we ought to be!
(They flee. Zoe giggles and pursues them in a – get this! – flying ambulance. Ethan comes dancing through the forest, singing to 'dance the night away' and giggling drunkenly.)
ETHAN: Just want to dance the night away, Cal's woman ran off yesterday,
Right now the future's looking grim, but not as bl**dy grim as him.
And if you see her, please tell her he's doing well, still ugly as hell….
(He suddenly feels a tap on his shoulder. One of the spooks from the earlier dance is leering at him. Ethan flees.)
SCENE SIX
THE ED RECEPTION
(Honey is still talking in her sleep as Rita and Lily come in.)
HONEY: Oooh, CAL! Ooooh, Ethan! OOOOOH, Big Mac!
RITA: If she says 'Oooh Rita', I'll wake her up with a thump.
(An old lady, played by Vanessa Redgrave, drags Max towards a cubicle.)
OLD LADY: Come on, you told me I was gorgeous back at the party so I followed you home!
MAX: Robyn, get rid of her please!
ROBYN: Sorry, Mrs Wossyerface, rules state all healthy people have to be discharged, so on you go!
OLD LADY: But Max loves me!
BIG MAC: (Coming and taking her arm.) Come on, sweetie, let's get you to a nice taxi.
ROBYN: Max, Max, Max, this happens every time you go out.
MAX: I know and I'll tell you what's to blame…
(He sings. This is 'Bad Habits' by an Australian guy called Billy Fields, it can be found on You Tube.)
MAX: I've been running wild like a naughty child,
And the reason's plain to see.
Well the demon drink drives me to the brink,
I see women through beer goggles.
I see some old crone,
Have to bring her home,
Where she'll whine and moan
All night.
And my story's end?
Ridiculed by friends!
Got to keep off those beer goggles.