(I realised there was a gaping plot hole about the film so have amended the last three chapters. Hope things make more sense now.)
ACT THREE
SCENE ONE
THE RECEPTION, ED
(Cal and Ethan are cheering themselves up after their less than fruitful evening at the grand ball by singing: the tune is 'Going Courtin' from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.)
CAL: Operating, operating, oh its sets a doctor in a whirl,
ETHAN: Operating, operating, stitching up a lucky boy or girl,
CAL: Great to lure a patient into bed,
ETHAN: Drop a bedpan on to Connie's head,
BOTH: But it's so exhilarating, Operating!
(They dance.)
ETHAN:} Operating, operating, if your patient isn't acting nice-
CAL:} Operating, operating, here's a little medical advice-
ETHAN:} Don't cajole or whimper, whine or beg,
CAL.} Put 'em under and remove their leg!
BOTH: That's what's known as innovating, Operating!
(Connie comes in. Her grin is more fixed and her heels are even higher.)
CONNIE: I need this area vacated, so go and do some work for once.
(Cal and Ethan slink off. Max comes through, still looking the worse for wear after his night out.)
MAX: (His speech a little blurred as he has two paracetamol in his mouth.) Water…
(He has a swig of water from the cooler.)
MAX: Cubicle!
(He staggers off to look for a cubicle.)
END OF SCENE ONE
SCENE TWO
CONNIE'S OFFICE
(Big Mac and Robyn sneak in. Mac carries a camcorder. He sets it up and hides it in the room.)
ROBYN: We'll be fired.
BIG MAC: If she catches us. And if she can film us, we can film HER. We might see her stuffing eclairs or something, from that drawer she always keeps locked.
ROBYN: Okay then, but I still don't feel right.
(They creep out.)
SCENE THREE
A VACANT CUBICLE
(Max lies down on the bed. Zoe pops up next to him. Max nearly jumps out of his skin.)
ZOE: Don't fret, handsome, I have magical powers. (Sneering.) Paracetamol! (She puts her hands on either side of Max's head.) All gone now?
MAX: I feel ace!
ZOE: (Admiringly.) You LOOK ace. So, you'll be wondering why I'm in here?
MAX: Listen, lady, if you took my headache away, I don't care why you're in here! (Looking closer.) Heck, you're tasty! Oh, I'm sounding like Dylan. I mean, you're very attractive…
(Zoe grabs him and kisses him. Max is very happy about this.)
MAX: I dream about days like this.
ZOE: This is the real thing, sweetie. Grab it while you can!
(They sing. The tune is officially known as 'A Media Luz' and it can be found on You Tube. It's a tango, so that's what Max and Zoe are dancing to right now )
MAX: A cubicle for two, I don't mind if I do,
It's certainly more fun than a cubicle for one.
ZOE: You're looking rather lush,
My pulse begins to rush,
MAX: I don't know who you are, but
You're turning me to mush.
BOTH: A passionate wee dance,
A nice whirlwind romance.
We do a stunning tango
As round the floor we prance.
ZOE: Your footwork is divine,
Almost as good as mine!
MAX: You ought to be on Strictly-
ZOE: I might try that sometime!
(Max bends Zoe backwards in a proper tango move. They share a passionate kiss. Then Connie strides in.)
MAX: (Aside.) If she banned Lofty from the ball just for dancing, I think my skin's going to be decorating the notice board sometime soon. (Aloud.) Sorry Mrs Beauchamp, it is my break after all.
CONNIE: (Beaming.) That's quite all right, Max. But run along now, sweetie, I want to talk to Zoe in my office.
(Max 'runs along'.)
END OF SCENE THREE
SCENE FOUR
CONNIE'S OFFICE.
(Connie ushers Zoe into her office and indicates a seat. Zoe sits but looks uneasy. Connie's smile is overpowering.)
CONNIE: (Smiling.) I want us to be friends again.)
ZOE: Well it was you who got nasty when you learned I had magical powers.
CONNIE: It was just that everybody went off about it as if you were wonderful. (In her Petunia Dursley voice.) "We have an enchantress on the ED, isn't it wonderful?" But I was jealous.
(She sings.)
CONNIE When you and I were younger dear, I was a jealous cow,
I sneered at all your magic tricks and I'm so sorry now.
For me you'll always be the greatest colleague that I knew,
If only you'd be friends with me and I could be friends with you.
ZOE: Oh the things we might have seen, oh the things that might have been,
CONNIE: YOU'VE seen plenty, I guess-
(Both laughing.)
BOTH: But not as much as good OLD Tess!
(They scream with laughter.)
Raid the secret wine store, then, we'll nick the private key,
We'll chill out and let all the others run the old ED,
And sit around imagining the things that we can do
As soon as you'll be friends with me like I can be friends with you.
AUDIENCE: (Shouting.) Don't drink anything she gives you, Zoe!
(Connie just gives the audience a nasty smirk.)
CONNIE: Before we have that drink, could you just do one of your super tricks for me? The one where you shrink and fit into a test tube?
AUDIENCE: Don't go in the test tube, Zoe!
(But Zoe is already shrinking, squeaking away like Tinkerbell, and climbing into the test tube. This bit is all done with twinkly lights. Connie slams the lid on the test tube and throws it in the bin.)
ZOE: (Helplessly.) Eeee! Eeeeee! Eeeee!
CONNIE: And now to destroy Lofty's future!
END OF SCENE FOUR
SCENE FIVE
(Connie's office, a little later.)
(Lofty sits nervously in a swivel chair as Connie brings in a tray with a couple of teapots on it.)
AUDIENCE: Don't drink the tea, Lofty!
LOFTY: Mrs Beauchamp, I'm so sorry I defied you.
CONNIE: Ben, darling, you were following your heart and I respect that. Now I've got some lovely tea for you to drink – look, your own personal teapot! – while we discuss your future. (Lofty is about to pour milk into the cup.) NO, darling. Never milk first. Milk afterwards. Look, I'll pour… just in case you spill.
(She pours his tea out. He takes a nervous sip which makes him slurp a little. He looks down in embarrassment – a lovely view of the eyelashes there, ladies! – and Connie giggles sweetly.)
CONNIE: Nerves, that's all, Benjyboos! Now, we'll all miss you so much.
LOFTY: Miss me?
CONNIE: Yes, sweetheart, you can't work here any more, can you? Not now you're going to marry Ms Meyer.
LOFTY: But I love the ED.
CONNIE: Not as much as you love your Marta, though.
(He drinks a little more tea.)
CONNIE: Lofty darling, does that tea taste peculiar?
(The audience is very uneasy by now.)
LOFTY: It does a little.
CONNIE: That's because it's Earl Grey. Upmarket tea. You're not upmarket, are you, sweetie?
AUDIENCE: (Relieved but still uneasy.) Oh… MIND poisoning.
CONNIE: And if you kept working here, you'd look even greedier wouldn't you?
LOFTY: Greedier?
CONNIE: Ben, Ben, Ben. That's not what I think, it's what the media will think. They'll see you as a grasping fortune-hunter. And unfortunately it will reflect on your lovely wife. And your future family… your children will be spat at in supermarkets.
LOFTY: I'd protect them!
CONNIE: Such a social difference between you and Marta. Look at the way you slurped your tea at first. And there'll be worse to come. You'll embarrass her at every social event in the calendar. You HAVE to end things for her sake, Lofty.
LOFTY: No – we can make this work.
CONNIE: Oh no you can't.
AUDIENCE: Oh yes he can.
CONNIE: I am clinical lead and my word is final. (To Lofty.) Look, let me make this so clear that even you can understand it. If you don't dump Marta I'll do my share of telling the media a few things, true or not. I'll make sure your posh little girlfriend lives a life of pure misery. If you don't hurt her – I will. Maybe physically. GET IT?
LOFTY: I despise you. But okay, I'll pack and leave.
CONNIE: Not enough. She'll search for you again. You have to show her what a reptile you are. (Hopefully.) Maybe a slap...
LOFTY: I'm not hitting her. I wouldn't slap any woman, even you. I'll make her hate me. But let me give you one word to think about, Mrs Beauchamp…. Karma.
(He walks out with his head held high. Connie sneers 'Karma' to herself and laughs.)
SCENE SIX
A PRIVATE CUBICLE
(Marta, the little minx, has dragged Lofty into a private cubicle. Max and Zoe's cubicle, too, the little minx. He pulls away.)
MARTA: Ben? What's wrong?
(Silence.)
MARTA: Ben?
LOFTY: (In his best Danny Zuko voice.) That's my name, don't wear it out.
MARTA: What's wrong with you?
LOFTY: Look, sweetie, it's truth time. I LIKE leading girls on and using a fake name every time. Remember the Marquis of Enjolras? I've also been Lord Arthur Saville, Emmett Forrrest, a guy who ran around in a loincloth calling himself Joseph… oh and a guy called Fiyero, among others. It amuses me to string girls along.
MARTA: You were so sweet the other night, Ben.
(He imitates her in a whiny female voice. Then:)
LOFTY: It was fun to string you along while it lasted. But it's over now.
(He sings.)
LOFTY: I can tell from your eyes that you'll probably be crying for ever,
But I only feel genuine love when I look into a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, bet I broke your heart.
(Wistfully to himself.) If we stay here just a little longer, maybe she might listen to my heart…
(Snapping out of it.) NO! Flippancy needed here.
LOFTY: Let me tell you, honeybunch, why I use a different name and a different town so often.
(He sings.)
LOFTY: Met a girl in Durham Town, her dad still wishes I might drown,
Can't go back to Durham Town, I'm a bad, bad, man.
Met a girl in Tenerife, I gave her family so much grief,
Can't go back to Tenerife, I'm a bad, bad, man.
You're shaken, you're frightened, your sense of danger's heightened,
Our break-up has to be, you're too big a wimp for me!
Met a girl in Whitley Bay, I left her in the family way!
(Marta almost faints.)
LOFTY: Can't go back to Whitley Bay, I'm a bad, bad man.
I can tell you despise me, but don't try to analyse me,
For when all is said and done, don't you wish you had my fun?
So I think it's time I went, but someday when you're old and bent,
Think of hours you might have spent with a bad, bad man.
(Marta slaps his face and walks out. Lofty makes sure she's gone, then buries his face in his hands, sobbing as if his heart will break. Cue for a big 'awwwwww' from the audience here.)
(Connie stalks in.)
CONNIE: Oh I can see from your little pink eyes that you've done it, Loser.
LOFTY: Yes, I did it. And every cruel word I said to her was like twisting a knife in my own heart.
CONNIE: (Not so much patting his head as bashing it hard.) Well you're a nurse, dearie, so you can always sew yourself up again, can't you?
LOFTY: (Realising he has nothing to lose.) DON'T TOUCH THE CURLS, B*TCH!
(He walks off to pack. A little later Robyn and Big Mac sneak back into the cubicle and play back their film on the camcorder at high speed. They slow it down when they see the bit with Lofty and look at each other in horror.)
ROBYN: She's been bullying him! Let's get her!
(But just then both their pagers bleep and they have to rush off on duty.)
END OF SCENE SIX