Cherita Chen:
Jim Cunningham looks like the type of man that thinks he will reach Nirvana by having the largest group of middle-aged, bored housewives following him than any other cult leader. He is handsome but his eyes are dead and it isn't just the video that makes them seem that way. There is something wrong with him. I don't need to see him in person to know that. He is corrupted and the fact that Ms. Farmer is so adamant about us falling in love with him only proves it.
"Is something wrong, Mr. Darko?"
Just the sound of his name burns my sides. I had managed to focus all of my attention on what she was saying so that I wouldn't have to focus on him sitting right behind me. His stare had been burning me like venom blistering my skin and forcing away the muscle. I hoped he would leave. I hoped that all the negative energy I sent toward him in preparation for this class would make him realize that I can't bear to be in his presence any more. I hoped he would love me. And I will never get anything I want at all.
"No," his voice is like dynamite exploding through the airwaves.
"You look troubled, do you want to see the nurse? I think you should see the nurse."
I can't see him but in her eyes, her terrible screaming eyes I can just imagine his destructive expression as he repeats, "No. The period's almost over, just go on with the stupid lesson and I'll go on pretending I'm not here."
The thing about him is that anyone would think he was just a rebellious teenager with an authority problem but that couldn't be further from the truth. I know he treats Ms. Pomeroy with nothing but respect and admiration. Professor Monnitoff I know he soaks up every word that comes from his mouth. He doesn't attack anyone that tells him what to do. He attacks bullshit and lies.
"I'll just chalk this up to your recent brush with death, Mr. Darko. I expect you to be a well-rounded individual by our next class."
She doesn't understand a thing, this woman. My mother always taught me that I can learn anything from anyone but she seems less like an instructor and more like an example. She is why Jesus came to Earth the first time. Believers like her that force nonsense interpretation of scripture and literature into the minds of youth is exactly what God will condemn. There is a reason Joanie is a miniature beast that is the leader of every organization her mother can get her hands upon. I can only feel bad for the bouncy haired girl…I can't keep hating her for what is given to her and I should pity her for what her mother takes away.
The bell rings and I swallow hard because this is always one of the worst parts; walking into class and getting out of it. Anyone behind me will think their most creative thoughts and if they don't think them they certainly say it out loud. I've created a sort of schedule so that I never have to be caught in that kind of situation again but there of course are situations like right now that I can't control. I'm trying my hardest to put my books in the kind of order that hide my stupid doodling because he can't see it. I don't…I don't love him anymore because I know what comes next and I realize I've been too stupid. I've been trying to keep him a secret for so long but Joanie has caught him in her web and no matter what Ms. Farmer thinks she will give her daughter anything she wants, even him.
The last student is out of the classroom and all that is left is me and him and I'm stuck. I thought I decided that I didn't want him anymore but with him so close and just me there to appreciate the warmth escaping him I can't lie to myself anymore. I hear his footsteps and my heart is rattling against the cage of my chest and I want to cry because I don't know what to do. For so long I've wanted him to just look at me and for so long I've wanted him to just talk to me and now I just want to be left alone. If he gets any closer he will see what I really am. If he gets any closer he will see that I'm not only ugly on the outside but I'm ugly on the inside too.
He is at my side in seconds and the world is crumbling down around us. I have never once been so close and I have never once realized how giant he is. He is godly around me and I just want to cower in his shadow. I don't know what to say but he shows me the big black spot on his cast where Joanie's name and number had been and I have no idea what that means. His voice, whatever magic is inside of his voice, questions hesitantly, "Do you wanna...sign my cast now?"
I have to open my mouth to breath because I don't know what it means. I want to go and I'm tired of this joke because that's what it has to be. I shut my lips and swallow hard as I shake my head but suddenly he moves in a flash and there is red hot anger in the air that grasps my arms and there is a shock through out my entire body and I jump and vibrate with the feel of some sort of wave ripping through me and I don't know what it means and I'm scared and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do.
"Cherita, I-I...," and then there is silence and I realize what is on the floor. Oh, no. No! I drop down and begin grasping my books as I feel tears jump to my eyes. I hold them back as I scramble to grab the things that I knew I should have destroyed a long time ago. He touches my arm and I jerk away as I rush out of the room and feel slow tears fall down on the inside of me. I rush to the nearest Girl's room and drop into the first stall and plop onto the seat. I shut my eyes and try to breathe, unable to even think about Lunch or the bell or what happens after right now.
I drop my eyes and look at the stupid book when something captures my attention. A single dot left on the brown paper bag my mother had used to cover the book and I had cursed myself with. I know I cry but I keep it inside until I get home…I didn't cry. That means…that means the tears belong to him.